Don't Wake Me if I'm Dreaming (35 page)

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“Sit!” I pointed to the log.

He dropped his snorkeling gear on the sand and sat with a concerned look. “What’s up?”

“Just give me a second, please.” I sat quietly a moment, carefully selecting my words. Thoughts of Jack instantly resurfaced, but I worked pushing him away. I was conflicted with emotions between loving two men, one I could have and maybe be content with, the other I’d possibly spend my life dreaming of, finding happiness only within my sleep. I knew what I needed to do, what had to be said before he had the chance to propose.

His hand reached for mine, holding it.

I stared at it for a second finally feeling guilt accompanied with a pain in my chest, knowing I had to let Matt go. “You have been the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’ll be forever grateful for our time together. When I picture my future, I can see myself as your wife, but not the one you’d expect of me. I’m not the Susie Homemaker baby-birthing machine you want me to be. It’s just not for me. I enjoy my freedom. I like not having a mommy pooch and saggy boobs and not having to cook dinner every night. And sleep, I can’t even imagine trying to sacrifice my sleep for someone else’s needs, especially if it’s crying!”

His brows furrowed in concern.

“I’m sorry, Matt. I just don’t see a happy future with us having such different desires. You want a family, marriage, and the conveniences of the city life. That’s not for me. I see myself living in a plantation in the country, gardening, away from the city.”

“Please, don’t say what I think you’re trying to say.”

“What you want, no need me to be, it’s not what I want. I’m not ready to settle down, and more than anything, I don’t want children, I just don’t. Like I can’t think of anything I want less in life. I realize that seeing Aimee pregnant, I’m not getting the baby envy thing I should be feeling. It’s just not for me. Aimee and I always figured we’d have babies at the same time, but…I…”

He quickly stood, his reply sharp and immediate. “Fine, I can wait and we don’t have to have a baby. I’m fine with that. You want to wait twenty-five years to get married, I won’t ask, I swear,” he painfully pled, dropping back on his knees. “Sasha, I love you so much, I’ll do whatever you want me to do, I’m begging you, please don’t do this.”

The panic in his voice pained me and for a moment I considered his words and almost gave in. His pain became mine, but I couldn’t let it persuade me away from my decision.

“I’m not doing that to you, Matt. You need babies, a lot of babies and there is no one on earth more deserving and ready than you to settle down. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who wants the same things out of life. If I take that from you, we’ll never be happy, and then what, we’ll just live miserably together always wondering what if?”

“We can be happy. We are happy. Please don’t do this. Dammit, Sasha, come on you were happy just a few weeks ago! Give it a little time you’ll remember how happy we were. You can’t just walk away now after all we’ve been through.”

“I’m not happy, Matt. The whole reason I wanted this vacation was to find happiness again, but I just can’t, not right now, and giving up my dreams to fulfill yours won’t bring either of us happiness.” I fought to not look away from him, his pain was so transparent and visible it killed me.

“I thought I lost you once, please, baby. God, please don’t do this to us.” He turned, running his hands through his hair in panic, dropping to his knees at my feet. “I’m begging you, please don’t do this. He reached his hands to my legs, holding tightly, his extreme distress transmitting through his touch. He stood again, his face filled with torment. “Whatever I did to push you away, I’m sorry! I’ll fix it! Please, I’m sorry.” He reached for my hands pulling me to my feet. His arms wrapped around me, and out of guilt and fear of never feeling his touch, I gave him a moment before pulling free of his grip.

I began second guessing my actions and words, but all the thoughts of settling and not finding happiness resurfaced. “Please don’t make this any harder.” My voice was faint. I wanted this conversation to end, for him to be okay with this, to not bring more pain and guilt.

“Harder? If it’s so
hard
for you then why, why do this?” His tone changed from agony to frustration and heartbreak. “None of this makes sense!”

My eyes filled with tears. “I’m leaving now. I think we’ll need some time apart to cope, please know this is the most difficult decision I’ve ever made. I hate myself for hurting you, Matt, but I have a second chance at life, and more than anything I need time to figure out what’s right for our…my future. I’m sorry.”

I grabbed my bag and handed him the coral, not intending to offend him.

“Keep it,” he said, staring at me in shock.

“Give me a few minutes to collect my stuff from the room. I’ll leave the key at the desk.”

He reached, grabbing for my arm, holding it. “Don’t do this! Don’t throw us away like we were nothing to you.”

“Matt…” I held up my hand stopping him from trying to kiss me.

“I’m not going to let you go this easily! Come on, Sasha, I love you. Baby, I’m begging. Give us time.”

His face was sadder than I’d ever seen. He reached out his hand.

I stepped back and looked away, not wanting to see him cry. “It’ll make it that much more difficult,” I said with a painfully brittle voice. “Forgive me.” I hurried off, wiping stray tears from my weeping eyes.

I left Matt standing puzzled by my sudden departure knowing I had shattered his world. It would be a lie to say I felt a huge release walking away. In fact, it was just the opposite. I stopped a few times on the way to the hotel to catch my breath. I even considered turning back, begging Matt for forgiveness for hurting him, as it was never my intention to cause him pain. Seeing him in this state felt like daggers in my heart, but I knew I did what I had to do to give him the life he deserved, to find someone who was ready for what he wanted. I knew if that was my future, it wasn’t any time soon and my heart didn’t feel it was with him.

I returned home completely miserable. Matt had called me more times than I could keep track of and if he wasn’t calling he was texting. I was feeling such a pain in my heart that I couldn’t eat and had to take my sleeping pill just to get through the random nightmare caused by heartache. My heart was broken, but as much as I wanted to answer my phone and hear his voice, I refused to allow myself to surrender to a life I knew I didn’t want. I was ready to move on, not from him, just from the walls that had held me prisoner in life, in my apartment. I wanted away from the memories haunting this place.

“
H
and me the shovel, pretty please?” I asked Aimee.

“Shovel?” She leaned over without lifting her boots from the soil. “Got it.” She handed it to me. “Did you decide what color you want to paint the kitchen?”

I looked at the old plantation in thought. “What about a soft sage green?”

“Puke. How about red?” She looked at me over her shoulder, wiping sweat from her forehead.

“No, no red. We can run and get samples from the hardware store later.”

“Sure” She tossed a handful of weeds in the bucket. “Can I put Scott down for a nap first?”

I pointed to my front patio. Scott was lying almost asleep on the swinging chair next to Charlie.

“He sure loves your dog,” she said with a grunt, pulling another weed.

“Ah, he’s a good mutt. I never knew I could love a dog so much, but he does makes it easy.” I tossed a pile of dirt, and then pulled a plant from the pot, shoving the roots in the hole.

We continued tending the garden in silence, both lost in thought. I had bought the old house on the outskirts of Charlotte just over two years ago, shortly after leaving Matt. I needed away from the memories that were haunting the apartment. I had slowly worked to restore the large house that echoed when I spoke too loud, but it never felt empty with just Charlie and me, which in turn, helped me to slowly reconcile the abrupt about-face of leaving Matt.

I realized I truly had no desire to render my solitude and fill the dwelling space between the walls with a family. I was content with exactly the way things were. Vance and Aimee continuously volunteered to help me around the property and house, both enjoying their hand in restoration work.

I took a break for a moment to catch my breath between digging holes and stared at a small Magnolia tree on the side of the house. It was gifted to me from Matt when I first moved here. It took a while for us to reach the point of establishing a healthy friendship, but any doubts I’d harbored about us slowly dissolved from reoccurring dreams after each time we spoke. Each dream I had of him left me with such anxiety when I woke that I took my sleeping pills for a few nights until I was confident my dreams would take me somewhere else. Somewhere other than having two chaotic toddlers and living in the city. Matt confirmed he’d never be okay living here when he delivered the tree, explaining he didn’t understand why I would take on such an odious project. There was no way I’d ever have found happiness with him here. And I was okay with that.

I didn’t need his or anyone else’s approval to love this place. I felt like it connected me to my mom in a way. She would have loved it here. My dad and Sam both knew this, and were supportive of my decision, knowing how much it pleased me, and how impressed mom would have been. They even helped refinish the hardwood floors before moving in my furniture. I knew the house had a history; probably an unfortunate one since this was once a cotton farm, but I paid the house due diligence for withstanding time and providing me shelter.

“What the hell took him so long? I thought he was just picking up beer, not grocery shopping.” Aimee brought me out of deep thought.

Vance pulled down the long graveled driveway sending both Scott and Charlie running toward the car.

“Daddy!” Scott ran, jumping into Vance’s arms before he had closed the car door.

I pulled off my gardening gloves and followed Aimee to his car. 

“Liquid rehydration.” Vance handed me a beer on the walk to the patio to escape the sun for a few minutes.

I sat next to Aimee on the porch swing watching Scott chase Charlie around the yard. “He needs a dog.” I nudged her arm.

“He has all the dog he needs when visiting his aunty Sasha.”

I lay my head back, stretching the kink in my neck from hunching over the flower garden. “Vance?”

“Yes?” he asked, sitting down on the wood planks that formed the patio.

“Want another project?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Imagine if you had a ceiling fan above you circulating the air, and how much cooler it would feel out here.” I held the beer bottle against my neck, cooling my skin.

He lay back, resting his head on his arm staring up at the brass light fixture hanging above his head. “It honestly wouldn’t be that hard since the wiring is already there. And I’m sure you have all the tools considering your dad bought out half the hardware store for your house warming gift.”

“That’s actually a really good idea.” Aimee nudged me back. “We can check out the fans at the hardware store.” She redirected her attention to Vance. “Do you want to stay here and clean the grill while Scott naps? We’re making burgers for dinner.”

“Sure. I was just about to replace the hinges on this bad boy.” He reached over pulling at the bottom of the screen door that made a loud creaking sound.

“Thank you.” I spaced off for a few seconds staring at the wood frame surrounding the screen. “I need to buy a new replacement screen.”

“Already did, it’s in the car.” He lifted his head drinking his beer. “Of all the homes on earth, you had to buy the oldest,” he grumbled, stretching an arm to poke my shoe. “I also grabbed some light bulbs.”

“Why?” I asked, directing my gaze from the screen to Vance.

“I broke the one in your studio room when I was replacing the fixture.”

“Send me a bill.” I slid down in the porch swing then pushed myself back up. “Two more plants and we’ll head out,” I said to Aimee.

“All right. Come on Scott, let’s take Charlie inside, and wash up. It’s nap time.” She reached out for my hand to pull her up. Vance followed her inside.

“I’ll be inside in a moment.” I looked out at the front lawn trying to decide if I wanted to grab more flowers from the hardware store. I instantly remembered a glimpse of a dream, frolicking in the yard with Jack and remembered he found a ring. I walked to the area where he bent over looking in the grass and moved my shoe around, combing the dirt. It was there, the ring. I leaned down and picked it up, wiping the dirt on my shorts to clean it. The rose gold ring looked like lace armor as it had in my dream. My heart felt like it skipped a thousand beats, remembering Jack telling me it was the plantation’s way of repaying me for all your hard work.
My hand flew to my mouth, closing my eyes as lost emotions began resurfacing. After all this time, I still felt like I was in love with a man I never knew.
             

Aimee walked outside holding both our handbags and my keys. “I thought you were going to plant the last two pots.”

I shook my head no, lowering my hand from my mouth.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine,” I squeaked, discreetly sliding the ring on my finger.

“Where did the painting on the bed come from?”

I quickly collected my thoughts, easing away my heartache. “I ordered it in Tuscany and had it shipped here. I just haven’t decided where to hang it. Maybe somewhere near the piano.”

“That was exactly where I was thinking, too. I took a picture of it. The soft butter yellow on the house would look beautiful in the kitchen, especially against all the white woodwork.”

“Butter yellow, the painting mystery is settled then.” I glanced back out in the yard as if expecting to see Jack standing there with a smile.

***

A
imee and I returned from the hardware store two hours later with paint, a ceiling fan for the patio, and a car full of miscellaneous items to replace those no longer of use.

Vance was replacing the material on the screen door. “Listen to this.” He swung the door a few times. “Do you hear that?” He smiled pleased with his work.

“Good job. Another turn of the handle and it was heading to the burn pile.”

“It won’t slam shut anymore, either. Hey, and check this out.” He twisted the key in the deadbolt. “I left the original door handle but swapped out the deadbolt on the front and back doors.”

“I think you found your second calling.” I pulled the key from the lock and hooked it on my keychain.

“Don’t give him any ideas. He’ll start taking apart our apartment if it goes to his head, and he’s starting a new job soon, so his excess time is about spent,” Aimee mumbled, heading into the house.

“Congrats.”

Charlie and Scott were asleep on my bed giving Aimee time to help me tackle the kitchen with paint preparations. We knew we had our work cut out, which was okay since we had nothing but time on our hands.

***

It was late spring when the dreams of the forest came to life. Aimee and Vance planned a trip to a lake, wanting to take Scott camping for the first time and called in the morning inviting me to go along. I graciously declined the offer, explaining I had my fair share of sleeping with spiders in the new house before hiring an exterminator.

It wasn’t until later in the evening that I remembered the dreams a few years back of the forest and nearly had a heart attack. I was terrified to sleep that night, figuring the forest dreams would resurface after remembering them, but I was more terrified if I didn’t return to my dreams, I wouldn’t know how to save Aimee’s life. It took hours of tossing and turning in bed before I finally was able to fall asleep.

***

I
sit on the sofa gazing out the window feeling catatonic. I’m holding a picture of Aimee. Her sudden death was considered the same, if not more poignant of emotion than that of my mom.

Jack walks in the room gaining my attention. “Sooner or later you’ll have to talk about this. It’s been a while since the accident and I see you sulking more than you smile. Baby, I’m concerned.”

I scowl at him. “She was my best friend.”

Jack walks over and sits on the coffee table in front of me, and reaches a hand to my leg. “And the woman I’m in love with, I want her back.”

“It’s a little disconcerting you talking to me in the third person.”

“You don’t hear me in the first. Figured I’d try a new approach.”

“Don’t try and make me laugh. I’m not in the mood.”

“Sasha, the moment I met you, the most extraordinary and tragic events happened. It should’ve brought us together. I’ve stuck with it hoping you would grieve your loss, find peace, and give us a shot. Am I wrong for wanting that?”

I turn my head looking out the window.

“I’m going to change and then I’ll take you back home.”

I can sense Jack’s stare waiting for me to remark. I hear him walk out of the room.

I set the picture on the coffee table, and then creep across the room to the garage door and pause a moment. I hear Jack walking upstairs into the bedroom. I grab his keys and quietly slip into the garage. I climb into the Porsche and press the garage door opener as I start up the engine. The garage door lifts and I slowly begin my escape, backing down the driveway.

I realize instantly this is a bad idea, a really bad idea, and figure I’ll tell Jack I was just warming up the car.

Knowing he’d probably not like that idea, I say screw it and fly off down the road.

After clearing town, I take the freeway entrance with the windows down and the radio blasting, allowing the cold wind to rip through my hair. I’m in need of a rush, a carefree sensation. Ninety miles per hour feels incredibly smooth and handles as if the car isn’t intended to go slower.

One hundred feels better. One hundred ten, my pain begins relinquishing. One hundred twenty my heart starts racing. One hundred thirty brings with it an adrenaline rush. One hundred and forty miles per hour and I’m completely in charge of the most white-knuckle exhilarating rush of my life, sending my heart soaring in my chest. I momentarily hold this speed, watching the blurring trees and cars zip by. My adrenaline is nerve-racking, but I can’t slow down. I don’t want to stop. I don’t wish to surrender this feeling to the pain I know is waiting. The road is wide open with very few cars, and when they see me coming, they clear the way. I notice an exit sign in the distance leading off the highway and slow enough to take the off-ramp. The first stop on the roadside is a small one-horse bar, the perfect escape.

A gush of air circulates around me and I’m standing inside the bar. The first thing I notice is the lifeless collection of game heads mounted to the wall. A moose’s antlers are draped with Christmas lights, and a cigarette hangs from its mouth. The place looks like a taxidermy shop with a bar, tables, and a few TVs with sports programs airing.

I walk to the bar and take a seat. “Hot Toddy.” I stretch my arms across the bar, tapping my fingers along the far ledge.

The bartender laughs. “How about Jim Beam and cola?”

“Top shelf Vodka?”

The young cowboy, maybe twenty-one, slides my drink into my hand. “This one is on the house. Something tells me you’ll be here a while.”

“Doubt that.” I look around wondering how my erratic adventure landed me here instead of in Las Vegas or at least somewhere I wouldn’t be embarrassed to share with my new friends I’ll soon meet behind bars.

A small handful of people fill a far corner of the bar watching a sports program, and an elderly woman sits at a poker machine oblivious of all else.