Don't Wake Me if I'm Dreaming (30 page)

I
wasn’t intending on spending the night, but Jack had talked me in to staying. He was ready to start talking about wedding plans, which ended up carrying on late into the night.

We eventually headed to bed and I showed interest in more than sleeping, but was interrupted with the moaning and whimpering of Barkley, who felt he too needed on the bed.

Jack patted the foot of the bed and the dog hopped up.

“Enabler!” I pointed at Jack.

I pulled the blankets up to my face as a protective barrier against the slobbery tongue that persistently tried licking me. “I have to admit. I’ve never slept with a dog before.”

“There’s a first for everything.” Jack laughed, trying to get Barkley to lie down.

“You realize I’m not about to have sex with a dog in bed next to me.” Just the thought alone was repulsive.

“Down, boy!” Jack quickly snapped his finger pointing to the floor.

A
bright light shone in my face. I squinted, trying to focus, allowing my eyes to adjust to the light. My throat was inflamed, raw, and the only feeling I could focus on until I felt hands touch both my arms. I heard a few whispers and a sequence of beeps, and slowly moved my head far enough to see someone standing there, but only saw their silhouette through the bright blur of light.
Where am I?

“Close the blind, it’s too bright in here.” I heard a familiar voice say.

“Thank you, God.” I then recognized my dad’s voice but was unable to respond. “Don’t try talking. I’ll explain everything.”

“Shouldn’t you give her a moment?” I heard the same familiar voice, but couldn’t decide to whom it belonged.

The room was silent a moment except beeping sounds. “I need to tell her, so she doesn’t panic,” My dad said, matter-of-factly. “Sasha, it’s me, your dad. You’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident. You were headed to work and reached down for something and were hit, twice, running a red light. It was really bad. We almost lost you a few times. You’re okay now. Everything is going to be okay,” he tried reassuring me.

“I’ll call for the nurse.” The familiar woman’s voice said, and then I heard movement and rubber soles walk heavily across the floor, the same sound from the office when Martha wore her rubber shoes to work.

I was too tired to look that direction. I kept my eyes closed and tried moving my fingers.

With a gentle touch my dad’s hand wrapped around mine. “It’s okay, hon, just rest,” he said. “I know this is a lot to take in, but you’re going to be fine.”

I must have been in and out of consciousness for a few minutes until I felt a cold hand touch my other arm. “Sasha, can you hear me?” An unfamiliar woman’s voice asked.

I moved my fingers.

“Good. Welcome back,” she said. “I’m Kate, your nurse for the next hour. I’m going to do my best to keep you comfortable. Just lie still.”

I opened my mouth, trying to say Jack’s name, but my throat felt like it was on fire and painfully dry. My arm was feeble, but I reached up, touching my mouth.

“Hold on, sweetie,” Kate said. “I’ll get you something to drink.

A moment later, I felt something wet and fuzzy rub against my lips and the tip of my tongue. I sucked the few drops of water from the medical swab. It was refreshing, but nowhere near quenching.

“Can someone please grab the cup and straw from the sink and fill it with just cooler than room temperature water?” Kate asked. “Thank you.”

I listened to the rubber soles move about the room.

“Here you go.” I heard Martha say to the nurse as she shuffled around the bed.

A straw poked my lips a moment later. I opened my eyes again, and took a sip.

“Sip only a tiny amount. I don’t want you choking,” Kate said, holding the straw to my mouth. “Let that settle a moment then you can have another drink.”

The feeling of water dripping down my throat, I imagined, was comparable to sucking down flames. My hand quickly reached my neck, holding it.

Kate studied my face setting the cup aide as I stared at her. “The doctor will be in here soon and will go over your medical chart with you. For now, I’ll leave you to catch up with your loved ones.” She rubbed my arm before leaving the room.

I stared a moment at my dad, then looked around the room realizing Jack was missing. “Jack.” I tried saying his name, but nothing more than a painful breath escaped my mouth.

“Honey, I don’t know what you’re saying,” my dad said.

I closed my eyes a moment, resting, and then tapped my ring finger.” Why on earth is Jack not here?

He took a few seconds deciphering before responding. “He’s in the cafeteria but he should be back any time. He left shortly before you woke.”

I nodded slightly. I tapped my wrist.

“What time?” he asked confused. “It’s one-fourteen in the afternoon.”

I shook my head no.

“Time, wrist, bracelet, you know I suck at charades.”

“How long?” I mimed, looking into his bright blue eyes. He looked as though he hadn’t slept much but was so excited to see me, that his eyes held a twinkle.

“Oh, how long? Thirteen days. You’ve been here for the past thirteen days in a coma.”

I turned my head toward the window, noticing Martha.

“Welcome, kiddo.” She smiled. “I was hoping today would be the day.”

I held up a thumb thanking her. It was much easier to see now and I noticed she also looked exhausted.             

I heard someone entering the room.

“Oh man.” Matt hurried to my bed. “Hi, baby.” He kissed my lips. “I can’t believe my eyes!”

I didn’t respond to him or the kiss. My heartrate jumped into an upswing, scarily increasing the beeping sounds in the room. I stared at my lover in front of me, confused. I tried to breathe deeply to get my heartbeat to slow, and to get the machine to stop beeping wildly, but it was useless.

Jack. I needed Jack. I closed my eyes, trying to make sense of it all. We were just at church making wedding plans. Had we been in an accident? I couldn’t remember one.

Opening my eyes, I forced a stare into the loving, but worried gaze of my—dead lover. Nothing made sense. I held my hand up, looking for Jack’s ring, but it wasn’t there. The mixture of emotions I experienced scared me. Too distraught, and drained, I closed my eyes, willing my heartrate to slow while I tried to figure out why Matt was standing in the room. How was he alive? Why was no one other than me fazed by his presence? And where the hell was Jack?

“You can rest if you’re tired. I will be right here when you wake.”

I opened my eyes again and stared at him. He looked exactly the way he had when I last saw him alive, only now he had dark circles under his eyes. I closed my eyes again, tighter this time, I was waiting to feel a gust of wind, a change in scenery, but when they opened, Matt just stood with mixed emotions on his face.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded my head, closing my eyes, needing a moment to process my thoughts.
Matt is alive, I’m in the hospital. I was in a car accident and in a coma, not him. Matt never died.

My eyes flew open, looking around the room. I saw my handbag sitting on a bench seat next to one of my travel bags. I assumed someone took the liberty of preparing for my return as I pointed to it, silently mouthing “Please.”

Matt looked to where I was pointing and quickly grabbed the bag, handing it to me. I didn’t have the energy to wrestle the zipper.

“What are you looking for? I can grab you whatever you need,” he offered.

I moved my thumb knowing he’d understand the motion as texting.

He rummaged through the bag, handed me the cellphone, returned the bag to the bench, and then swiftly moved to my side in a blur.

I worked a smile onto my face, thanking him. My head throbbed and my pulse threatened to spike. My dad and Martha stood at the end of the bed talking about how excited my coworkers would be to hear the news I woke. I still wasn’t able to talk more than a painful whisper and elected to text everyone in the room instead of using the whiteboard provided by the nurse.

I stared at Matt as he told me how much he’d missed me, but his words weren’t processing in my mind. I could only think of Jack, trying to wrap my mind around the fact he didn’t exist in this world.

I sent Matt a text to ask my dad and Martha to give the two of us a few minutes alone.

“I’m heading back to work, but I’ll come by tomorrow and check on you, and bring some polish for your toes.” Martha reached down and gently squeezed the blanket covering my feet. “Shower when you get the chance,” she said in a very Martha way, with a smile.

My dad’s face was beaming. “I’ll call your brother and tell him the good news.”

After they left the room, Matt helped me reposition my legs and then sat facing me at the foot of the bed.

I sent him a text.

“I can’t remember what I was doing before the accident. Can you fill me in?”

He read the message and then twisted his lips. “Fair enough.” He took a deep breath. “I came over to your apartment the night before. You had sprung your ankle at the gym and I brought you dinner. Everything was going well up to that point.”

I sent him another text.

“
Can I see my ankle?
”

“Sure.” He lifted the blanket away from my foot. Only the yellowest of a bruise remained, but I didn’t remember the injury.

I laid my head back and waited for him to continue.

“Uh… we ended up in your room, sort of fooling around and the subject of marriage might have come up.”

I pinched my lips together and closed my eyes a moment trying to remember, but found nothing.

“It didn’t go as I had planned, and I left pretty upset. Dumbest thing I ever did. I should have just stayed and none of this would’ve ever happened.” His jaw tightened a moment and his face quickly showed anguish. “The next morning, you drove to work and were in an accident. There was an unopened Red Bull on the floorboard of your car, and a witness said they had seen you lean down to pick something up.” He wiped a tear from his eye, and then ran his hand over his face. “You were wound up tighter than a clock, texting me, wanting me to forgive you that night, but I was so hurt. I hope you’ll forgive me. If I hadn’t left, and kept you stressed, you would have slept and not needed to drink that damn thing.”

“
Forgiven
.” My mouth curved up a little as I texted him.

“I’m not sure I can forgive myself,” he said, watching me type the next message.

“I need a few minutes, please.”

“Yeah. No problem.” He sounded disappointed, but understanding.

“I love you.” I moved my lips so he could read my words hoping to ease his pain.

“God, I love you, too.” He kissed my forehead, before leaving the room.

Kate returned to check on me. Unable to text her, I reached for whiteboard and dry erase marker on the small tray next to the bed.

“
Can I see myself?
”

She smiled softly a moment. “Of course. Let me grab a mirror. I’ll be right back.”

I waited, staring out the window at the treetops until she returned. So many thoughts swirled through my head that it pounded like someone was hammering nails into my brain. I closed my eyes, inhaled and exhaled until I could get the myriad of questions racing in my mind down to a minimum.

“Let me brush your hair away from your face.”

I lifted my head so she could run the brush through my hair, thankful that Kate had returned, giving me a short reprieve from my disturbing thoughts. The side of my head was tender. I touched the area, feeling stubbles.
Where is my hair?
I felt panicked.

“You had surgery to release the swelling, but they only shaved a small area. Your hair will cover it.” She handed me the mirror.

I pulled my hair aside and examined the wound. I looked away, covering my eyes with my hand. I wanted to cry, but it would cause too much pain. I touched my forehead, feeling the scar on my temple. It was close to the hairline and significant in size.

“The scars will heal. You are so lucky to be alive. I was here when they brought you in and thought for sure you wouldn’t…you must have an angel watching over you.”

I wrote on the board, “
Can I have a moment alone, please?
”

“Of course.” She reached for the mirror, but I shook my head no, and waited for her to leave the room.

I stared at my face looking at the faint bruising around my eyes and forehead, remembering how Matt’s face looked in the dream of him in a coma. A ton of suppressed emotions tried to resurface like acid burning in my throat.

I set the mirror down then scrolled through my texts, needing reassurance Jack didn’t exist. I found the conversation with Matt before the night of the accident. I didn’t remember our discussion that night, but it made my bones hurt reading it.

Thirteen days.
I closed my eyes.
Matt’s accident, his funeral, Aimee’s son, Scott, Jack, Greece, Barkley, the church, our wedding was all a dream.
My mind flickered through every dream like a movie it was all completely fresh in thought
.
I opened my eyes and looked around at all the equipment that had kept me alive.
It was all a dream. The surgeries, they were mine, not Matt’s, the accident, it was all me.
Everything I had dreamt happened to Matt and the accident was me all along. Everything else was a dream from the moment I sat on the rim of the tub removing polish from my nails, getting ready for my date with Matt that never happened, it was all a dream.

Aimee burst through the door, tears in her eyes. “
Don’t ever do that again
!” She rushed to my side. “I can’t believe you’re finally awake.”             

I smiled as she reached to hug me.

I stared at her shirt remembering she was pregnant. It was my only memory the day prior to the accident. Suddenly my mind went into another frenzy, as she stood staring at me.