Don't Tell the Groom (35 page)

I expect the church to be empty when I walk in, but it is far from it. Lou and Russell are here, Mark's parents are sitting in the front row. Mark's brother Howard and his wife Caroline and their children are sitting behind his parents, and my dad and my sister are chatting over the other side of the aisle.

Nanny Violet is standing next to Reverend Phillips and upon seeing me she gives me an incredibly guilty look.

‘Ah, Penelope. I'm so glad you're here. I was getting a bit worried,' says Reverend Phillips. ‘Mark not with you?'

My heart sinks. I knew it was a long shot that he was going to be here, but I couldn't quite help hoping that he would show up.

‘Don't tell me, Penelope that you're going along with this “don't tell the groom” thing still? I thought I told you that the church couldn't be part of that.'

‘I …'

I hear the door of the church go and my stomach somersaults at the thought that it is Mark. I turn to see Phil walking in.

‘Sorry, sorry I'm late. Traffic was a nightmare.'

Phil walks straight up to me and kisses me on the cheek as he would normally, and he carries on walking to the top of the aisle.

‘Where's Mark?' he asks, realising that Mark is nowhere to be seen.

Oh my God. Phil doesn't know. Mark left five nights ago and he hasn't told his best friend. Where the hell is Mark? And what is he playing at?

I'm about to open my mouth and tell the truth. Enough is enough. I know that I'm hoping that Mark turns up tomorrow but I just have to accept that he isn't going to. He would have turned up to the rehearsal if he was planning to marry me. I have to face facts.

‘He's—' I say.

‘He's got food poisoning,' says Howard, talking right over me. ‘We went out for a curry last night and I guess his prawns weren't cooked.'

Howard is talking to Phil but looking straight at me.

‘Oh dear, oh dear. Well, this isn't the first time we've had to do a wedding rehearsal without the groom. Usually it's when they've had the stag do a couple of nights before the wedding, but you know, these things happen,' says Reverend Phillips.

‘I'll stand in for Mark,' says Mark's dad.

I look at my mum and she's giving me a two-thumbs-up hand gesture. I don't really know what she's done, but I somehow think that Mark's family's behaviour is all down to her.

‘Splendid, splendid. Right then, positions, people. Now, father of the bride you come and stand at the end of the aisle with your daughter.'

My dad walks down the aisle as happy as ever. Maybe mum has got him on the Valium too. I should really only accept water from her from now on.

‘You look lovely, dear,' he says, as he links arms with me.

‘Thanks, Dad.'

‘Right, then. The organist will start to play and you will walk up.'

As if by magic the organist that I hadn't even realised was
there starts to play the wedding march. I can feel my whole body tingling in the way that it has in so many of my wedding fantasies. I have to admit, though, that this isn't quite like any wedding fantasy I've ever had. For starters, I was never walking up the aisle towards Mark's dad.

I realise just how wrong it is that Mark's dad is standing in for Mark when I have to say my vows. Let's skip over the bit where I practically choke saying ‘for richer for poorer' and jump to the bit where I tell Mark's dad ‘all that I am I share with you'. My cheeks go as purple as my hair once was. This is not how it is supposed to be.

‘You're now allowed to kiss the bride,' says Reverend Phillips.

I look at Mark's dad in horror, and luckily he looks equally as perturbed.

‘Only joking,' says Reverend Phillips. ‘I don't actually like the bride and groom to kiss in the church. It isn't part of the ceremony as far as I'm concerned.'

Phew. Not that I'd not want to snog Mark, but I draw the line at his dad.

‘Right, then. Penelope, you and Mark will now be married and I'll take you through that door to sign the register. Who are your witnesses?'

‘Lou and Phil.'

‘Great. Bridesmaid and best man. Keeps it easy for me.
So we all sign the register and then I bring you back here in front of the congregation and I announce you to the church.'

Mark's dad has linked arms with me and we turn and face the others. They politely clap and it's then that it hits me that Mark should be here. I can't believe he's missing out on this. A tear threatens to roll down my cheek, but I don't let it out. I very deliberately applied non-waterproof mascara this morning as a tear-prevention method. It is proving most effective. Sadly the inside of my mouth is taking quite a beating as I have to keep biting my cheek to distract myself from crying with the pain.

We walk back down the aisle and everyone claps and waves and I try to join in the jolly mood, but I can't. I know that Mark's family are playing along fantastically but what is the point if Mark isn't going to show up? Are we just delaying the inevitable?

I turn and thank Reverend Phillips and he says he will pray for Mark's speedy recovery. It makes me feel terrible that one little lie has meant that we've lied to the man upstairs, which surely will result in me going to hell.

Reverend Phillips ushers us out into the fresh air and I start to hug everyone goodbye. Lou gives me a big hug and a squeeze and whispers to call her tonight if I need to. Phil gives me another kiss and as he's leaving I see my mum slip
him a DVD. Great. Is there anyone who isn't going to know my secret?

Before I can skulk back over to the safety of the car and have a good cry, which is all I want to do, Mark's mum grabs my arm and pulls me off into the graveyard.

‘Have you seen him?' I whisper. I suddenly feel like I'm a spy in a movie, as the last thing I want is for Reverend Phillips to find out Mark's absence was a lie.

‘No. I've had texts from him and I keep telling him to talk to you but he doesn't reply to those texts.'

‘He hasn't said anything about a video?' I ask.

‘No, sorry, Penny. Your mum showed it to us. It was lovely. Well, not your gambling, you silly girl, but the message.'

I smile at Rosemary. I hope that Mark does turn up as I want more than anything to have someone as nice as her as my mother-in-law.

‘I just want Mark to see it,' I say.

That was all I wanted when I made the video.

‘I think I can help with that,' says Nanny Violet.

I'm sure that woman has stealth mode as I didn't see her approach.

‘What are you going to do?' I don't think I really want to know what she has up her sleeve.

‘Don't you worry about that. Just you make it to the church on time. He'll be here, don't you worry.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘As the day is long.'

I've never really understood that as a phrase but Nanny Violet is my last shot.

‘Thanks, Violet. I really appreciate it.'

‘Penny, it is the least I can do. I fear that I made the whole situation worse.'

I don't want to argue with that. Although if I hadn't gambled in the first place there wouldn't have been a situation, but I'm not going to argue over potayto potahto.

‘I really do appreciate it,' I say.

‘I know you do, dear. I saw the video.'

Is there anyone who hasn't seen the video? Ironically, probably Mark, the person who the video was
actually
for.

‘Don't you worry, Penny. This time tomorrow you'll be Mrs Robinson too,' says Mark's mum.

Not even The Lemonheads going round in my head can make me smile. Instead, it just feels like it is taunting me. I wish I shared the Robinson women's faith that Mark will show up. Right now any hope I had is fading fast.

Here I am, about to climb into the jeep that is going to take me to the church, on what should have been the happiest day of my life. Yet it feels like my most miserable day. I've still not heard from Mark and I have no idea whether he is going to be waiting for me by the altar.

Maybe I should have accepted drinks from my mother after all. Fearful of her drugging me up to the eyeballs, I've been making my own drinks all day. And even the champagne I drank, that would usually have had me giggling and giddy, made me feel sick.

‘You look beautiful,' says Ted.

‘Thank you.'

In all my fantasies this is the bit where I would twirl round and milk the compliments as, after all, this day is all about
me, but I can't. I know I look pretty good. My sister has done an amazing job with my make-up. She's even managed to hide my red eyes that looked so puffy and swollen when I got up it was as if I'd gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. Lou has pinned my hair up in a side bun with a plain hair clip that she bought in John Lewis and decorated herself with diamantes and pearls.

‘You look like a young Sophia Loren,' says Ted.

I smile as best as I can and I wonder just how I am going to get into the jeep in my dress. As if reading my mind, Ted pulls a kick step from the back seat. He places it down in front of me and takes my hand.

I hoist up my dress, which looks really classy, let me tell you, and I climb in. Ted has even covered the seats with tissue paper. I hope that he asked Cathy the curator before he stole it as it looks a lot like the expensive conservation type she uses.

I notice that he has even tied white wedding ribbon to the bonnet and the side mirrors. I remember that I need to make a wish when I see a wedding car and I close my eyes and make it. Now I can't tell you what I wished for or it won't come true, but I bet you might just be able to guess what it was.

‘Ready?' says Ted.

‘As I'll ever be.'

The jeep starts noisily and I cling on for dear life as it
travels jerkily down the road. What should have been a fifteen-minute drive from our house seems to take a lot longer with the engine nearly conking out every time we stop at traffic lights.

By the time we make it to the church I don't know whether I feel sick with nerves or whether it is the post-adrenalin rush of holding my breath every time Ted pulled out in front of a car at a dodgy junction. Which happened a lot.

Ted, ever the gentlemen, comes and helps me out of the jeep. Lou and my sister walk straight up to coo over the jeep. I keep forgetting that they didn't know about it.

The funny thing is that everything about this wedding is so cool and everything seems to be going like clockwork except, that is, the groom.

‘Is he here?' I ask Lou. My voice catches in my throat, almost like I don't want to ask as I don't want to hear the answer.

They don't need to tell me the answer as it is written all over their faces.

‘Why don't we go in and wait in the little waiting room? You're a bit early, anyway.'

My father has walked up to us and I grab his wrist to check his watch before I even say hello. It is three o'clock on the button. Maybe Mark is working on the principle that I'll be late and he'll be here any minute.

I look around hopefully and all I see are some of my friends
sneaking in late, giving me a thumbs up and a wave as they go into the church.

‘Come on,' says Lou.

I let myself be dragged into the church.

‘Ah, Penelope,' says Reverend Phillips. ‘Now then, Mark and Phil don't appear to be here yet, so if you just come with me into the waiting room. I do hope that he is over his food poisoning.'

I can only imagine I gave Reverend Phillips a look which told him that the food poisoning was a lie. His whole expression changes and he suddenly looks like he is having a eureka moment.

‘Right, then. Well, in cases like this, we usually give them a bit of time. You're the last wedding for the day so we can wait a while.'

The waiting room is just off the main church and I can hear the organ playing and I can also hear the whispers of the guests getting louder. People know that I've arrived; surely they know by now something is wrong as Mark isn't at the altar waiting for me.

‘Can you see if Jane's in there?' I ask Lou after we've been waiting for about ten minutes. I am clutching at straws, but I hope that Jane might have some enlightening news from the boys' camp.

The door to the waiting room opens and in comes Jane,
followed closely by Lou. Lou rests up against the back of the door and takes a deep breath. It's like she's hiding from the paparazzi.

‘What's going on?' asks Jane. ‘I've been phoning Phil for the last half an hour and it keeps going straight to answerphone.'

‘I don't think Mark's coming,' I say. ‘I was just hoping that you could get hold of Phil so that I knew once and for all, before I go and tell all the guests.'

I hear Lou gasp at that, but it's true. Sooner or later someone is going to have to tell the guests that Mark isn't coming and the wedding they are supposed to be here to see isn't going to happen. For once I have to be realistic.

‘I'm sorry, Penny, his phone must be off.'

The look of pity on Jane's face is enough to make my heart break. Will everyone look at me with such sympathy? Can I just sneak out the back door and let someone else tell people that the marriage isn't going ahead?

‘Penelope, I think it might be a good idea if I give the guests a little update on what's going on,' says Reverend Phillips, walking into the waiting room. ‘It might be wise if people could have a stretch of their legs as we don't know how long they're going to be sitting down for, before we get started.'

‘He's not coming,' I whisper.

‘Sorry, dear,' says Reverend Phillips. ‘You'll have to shout a bit louder.'

‘I said Mark's not coming. He's clearly decided that he doesn't want to marry me.'

I turn to Lou and she's in floods of tears.

‘I'm sorry, Pen, it's just so sad, and the pregnancy hormones just amplify it.'