Don’t Forget to Remember Me (9 page)

The past week felt like a year and I was
literally exhausted. I hardly went home and my bed had become a
stranger because I spent every night at the hospital with Julia.
While it was awkward at first, she soon came to accept it. When
Marin or Ellie offered to stay, I only left to shower, get food or
work.

In the evenings, when everyone else had
left, I brought my laptop and studied from the chair in her room.
Julia would spend the time reading or drawing, and once in awhile,
ask me questions about what I was doing. Sometimes, we’d talk; play
cards or a reverse type of twenty questions. She asked me things
about my past
and
hers. It was fun and we laughed a lot, but
I struggled not to tell her more than I should. Just as always, she
was genuinely interested in everything I had to say. The bright
side of the situation became spending lots of time with Julia and
that Liza wasn’t stalking me when I was in Julia’s room.

I rushed around to pick up the apartment
before bringing Julia back later that afternoon. Jen wasn’t much of
a housekeeper and Aaron was a complete slob. The sink was filled
with dirty dishes and the bathrooms were gross. I cringed. My
mother was here working to help get the place in order, and she
would not be happy with the state of things. She went into my room
to get my laundry, leaving me to wish I’d beaten her to it.

“My God, Ryan! You boys live like pigs! Is
this how it always was when Julia came to visit?” she asked in
disgust.

“It’s worse now because I haven’t been
around. Jen cleans up some, but mostly I do it and I’ve been with
Julia every minute, Mom! Can you cut me some slack?”

“Considering you’re graduating with honors
and you’ve been so good to Julia, I’ll let you off with a warning,”
she smiled as she came out with her arms laden with clothes. “Aaron
and Jenna’s room is worse than yours.”

Ellie called awhile earlier and she and
Harris were on their way over to help clean. The apartments she’d
shared with Julia were always spotless. Aaron and I still lived
like we did back at Stanford.

“Yeah, and Ellie will have my ass over this
mess,” I said as I filled the sink with water. Our apartment was
old and didn’t have a dishwasher. It was in a brownstone, with
radiant heat and extremely tiny closets. Jen was constantly
complaining about the closets. She and Aaron planned to move into a
house after graduation. Aaron was concentrating on internal
medicine and could go into private practice after he finished his
residency. I was hoping that we would all end up close enough to
see each other on a regular basis. Julia wanted to be near Ellie
too, but her career was really going to dictate her choice.

I plunged my hands into the water and
continued to wash the dishes, lost in my thoughts. I stopped.

What if Julia doesn’t remember?
In
three months, I would graduate and had planned to go to New York to
be with her.
Will she still want me?

My heart dropped. She’d been receptive to my
presence, even to the point of letting me sleep in the big chair in
her room overnight. Marin and I struggled over who would stay, but
she acquiesced after one night she stayed with Julia and I slept in
the waiting room down the hall anyway.

“Ellie will understand, Ryan. We all know
where you’ve been this week.” She put her arms around my waist from
behind as I worked. “No one expected anything else.”

She backed up and scratched my back through
my scrubs. “Julia’s getting her very own doctor and housekeeper in
one. Lucky, lucky girl.”

I rinsed off a fry pan and stacked it in the
metal dish drain next to the sink as Mom went to sort the clothes.
I shrugged but didn’t speak.

“Ryan, I know you haven’t mentioned it, but
do you need to talk? About the baby? I’m worried about you, honey.”
My mother paused, her voice thickening slightly.

For a split second, I stopped too; but then
reached for the next pan that needed washing and plunged it in the
water.

“Mom, I appreciate the offer, but I’m just…I
guess I’ve been concentrating on getting Julia better. Nothing
would’ve been worse than losing her, so I haven’t really dealt
with…” my voice wavered and I sucked in my breath, “the baby yet.
After that first twenty-four hours, it’s been sort of surreal. It’s
Julia I’ve been worried about, compounded by our lost past. That’s
all I can take right now.”

“I understand, honey. Just know that your
father and I are here for you. We love you both so much.”

“I know, Mom. I’m grateful for all you’ve
done. Having Dad here has been my saving grace.” I continued to
wash the dishes and she put a load of laundry in the washer just as
Harris and Ellie burst through the door.

“Hey!” Ellie said happily and came to hug
me. “How are you holding up?”

Harris followed her in. “Hello, Ryan, Elyse.
Gabe asked me to let you know he’s got the bags from the hotel and
he booked you on a 5:30 flight.”

“You guys are leaving?” I turned toward my
mom. “So soon?”

Ellie patted me on the stomach before
starting her search for cleaning supplies, pulling out a bucket and
some floor cleaner from under the sink. She threw a duster at
Harris.

“Slave driver,” he muttered but threw off
his coat and went in the living room to start working.

My mother came into the kitchen and pulled
out a chair. “Dad has to get back to his patients and you’ve got
everything under control now.”

I nodded, drying the dishes I’d just washed,
putting them away as I went. I couldn’t meet her eyes. I worried
what it would be like when Julia was here with three people she
barely knew. “Yeah, I know. It’s just that Paul and Marin are
leaving too, and even though Julia said she’ll be fine with us, I
don’t want her to feel alone here.”

“Ryan, Julia could never feel alone when she
has you, okay?” Ellie smiled then wrinkled her nose in disgust.
“Good God! This place is horrible!”

“I hope you’re right, Ellie,” I murmured and
went to the furnace closet to get the mop and rags we’d need to
finish the job.

“Ryan, Jules loves you; even if she can’t
remember. Relax!” Harris called from the other room. The apartment
was so small that every word any of us said could be easily
heard.

“When are you gonna make an honest woman of
Ellie?” I asked, in an attempt to change the subject.

“I’ve tried. She’s putting it on hold.”

“What?
Why
?” I asked
incredulously.

“Ask
her
,” he said and seemed a
little bit pissed off, but kept to his task of dusting the
television and entertainment center.

Ellie filled the bucket with hot water from
the sink and added some cleaning solution before she answered.
“Harris, come
on
! You just signed that record deal. Married
rock stars don’t sell records!” she said in exasperation. “You know
I love you.”

“I’m hardly a rock star, El,” he
mumbled.

She stiffened. “Maybe you would be if you
started thinking like one.”

“Maybe you’re not sure you can handle his
new life style before you commit to it? Eh, Ellie?” I asked as she
set the sudsy bucket in front of me.

“How about if you shut your yap?” She hissed
and frowned at me.

Wow. Direct hit.

“When are you gonna give Julia her
engagement ring back? And the bracelet? She is constantly messing
with her wrist, and it’s all I can do not to reach out and stop
her, for God’s sake.”

I’d thought of it many times in the last
days. She only had the ring a few weeks before the accident and
most of that time we’d been apart. I longed to see it sparkling on
her finger, and I missed the bracelet on her wrist. My heart
squeezed at her words.

“Not yet. You know what the doctors
said.”

“She
will remember
,” Elyse added
almost inaudibly. “I have faith. Ryan, go strip your sheets for me,
please.”

I went to do my mother’s bidding and she
followed, closing the door behind us. I pulled the pillows off,
started removing the cases and wondered why she’d need to get me
alone.

“Ryan, do you want me to stay for a while? I
can let Gabe go home without me. If you need me…” I realized how
extremely lucky I was to have such wonderful, supportive
parents.

“Oh, no, that’s alright, Mom.” I bent and
pulled the sheets off the bed and threw them on the pile with the
pillow cases. “I’m just a little nervous about bringing Julia here.
She has to be feeling a little apprehensive under the
circumstances.” I sat on the bed and ran my hand over my jaw. “It
hasn’t been easy for me to see those questioning looks on her face,
the blankness when something she can’t remember is mentioned.
It…hurts,” I said in a flat tone but my heart constricted just a
little. It had to show on my face.

“Ryan, I can see that she trusts you. Her
face lights up when you walk into the room. She knows that there is
something between the two of you.” She sat down next to me. “It
will all work out, baby. Will you give her back her jewelry?”

“I’m not sure if it’s time yet. Dr. Moore,
and even Dad, thinks that we should be careful about rushing
things. I tend to agree. When she does remember, you know it’s
going to hurt like hell. Because…”

“Of the baby, I know.” She ran her hand
through the hair at my temple. “But you’ll get her through it,
Ryan. We can all feel how much you love her and she will, too.
You’ve been so strong and brave, honey, but it’s okay to grieve,”
she said sadly.

“I’ll live,” I said shortly, trying to
dismiss the pain evoked by her words. I wasn’t strong. I was weaker
than I’d ever been in my life. She wasn’t there the first night and
didn’t see how I completely fell apart. “Mom, really, I’ll be okay.
Julia is my focus now.”

“Don’t you mean
always
? Nothing’s
changed, sweetheart.” She smiled sadly. “She’s always been your
first thought. Just don’t try to overprotect her from the truth,
Ryan. You might be cutting your nose off to spite your face, and
more importantly, Julia might not thank you for it.”

“Yeah, I’ve thought about that, too. We
always tell each other everything; it’s been exceptionally hard not
to talk to her.”

She glanced at the photo above my desk that
Julia had given me for Christmas four years ago. “Wow, that’s a
beautiful picture. Amazing, actually. She could be a model.”

I smiled and bent down to gather up the
linens. “I know. Lucky bastard, aren’t I?” I laughed. “I’m in love
with that picture.”

“Why haven’t I seen it before?”

“It’s very personal…it’s just mine. I don’t
really share it with anyone.”

Her gentle laughter joined mine. “I
understand, but if you don’t want to push her memories, you
probably should take it down for now. Julia will be in here,
right?”

“Yes, I’m giving her my room and taking the
couch. There are a lot of things I need to hide, I suppose: our
music, her phone with our messages, the pictures.” I swallowed,
trying to push down the sadness welling up inside my chest. “I feel
so lost. Shit, I don’t even know if I can keep it all from her,
even if I try. I don’t feel right about it.”

“Just take down the picture, Ryan. Put it in
a drawer and don’t worry about all of it too much. Let what
happens, happen. I understand you don’t want to nudge, but maybe
you shouldn’t hide either.”

I nodded. She made sense. “I’ll play it by
ear and see how she does. I’m scared, Mom. What if she never
remembers me? I don’t know what I’ll do, if…”

She enfolded me in her arms. Mine were full,
so I couldn’t hug her back, but her hand came to the back of my
head and she kissed me on the cheek. “She will, honey. You’re
unforgettable.”

“Oh, yeah? Who told you that?” I asked
softly, trying to blink back the tears that suddenly burned my
eyes.

“
Julia
.” I dropped the sheets and
hugged her tight.

*****

Ellie took charge and we had the place
cleaned up in record time. She and Harris were leaving in the
morning. Later, I was planning on ordering some food if Julia was
up for it. Again, it was a risk, because it would be like the last
few months at Stanford after Ellie started seeing Harris. It could
cause her memory to flash, but Mom was right. I couldn’t control
everything and wanted Julia to feel as normal as possible, even if
I was unable to be myself. I couldn’t act like her lover, which
would take concentration on my part. Everything about her called to
me. She was so fragile, which pulled hard on my need to protect
her.

The parents were all leaving on early
evening flights. Marin and Paul were anxious about leaving Julia,
but trusted me to take care of her. Marin was more of a wreck than
Paul, but then, he knew me a lot better and had seen us together
more.

We were meeting at the hospital; Aaron was
taking them to Logan International and I was bringing Julia
home.

When I arrived with my mother, Dad and Paul
were waiting in the hallway outside Julia’s room. I felt nervous
and giddy at the same time, which seemed insane after everything
we’d been through.

“Hey,” I said. “What’s going on?”

“Dr. Brighton just finished examining Julia
and she’s been cleared for discharge.” I nodded. Dr. Brighton
called me with an update, so I already knew. “Marin is helping her
change into street clothes.”

“Paul, thank you for being here; I know it
meant a lot to Julia.”

Sadness filled his expression. “Thank you,
Ryan. I was about to say the same to you.”

I looked him straight in the eye. “I promise
to take good care of her.”

He reached out and patted my arm. “I know
that, son.”

I turned toward my father. “Dad…” I began
and felt my throat tighten up slightly, the gratitude I felt having
him here to oversee Julia’s case rushed through every cell of my
body. The constant rush of emotions was beginning to make me feel
like a pussy, but there was no stopping it. “Thank you.”