Dom of Ages (32 page)

His voice was quiet when he spoke again. “I expected it to hurt more than it did, but Ben pulled me into his arms and sat there with me the whole evening. My parents never did that. I was never consoled for being hurt or being sick. I realized how much of an inconvenience I was to them.”

Like I would be to Eli
, I thought ruefully.

“Then when Ben got hurt and sent me away, it was like I lost everything. I’d begun to fit in here, I was in love, I had friends, and he took it away without even talking to me, because he thought he was doing what was right.” Scott’s eyes misted over. “Maybe he was. I don’t know. What I am totally certain of, though, is that he came back for me. Not because he needed me to take care of him, but because he loved me, and was miserable without me. The day I heard him calling my name, standing in their house, I knew that he was there to bring me home.”

The raw emotion in his voice tightened my throat, and I put my arm around him, holding him against me.

A sigh rolled out of him. “I got my family back, and they surrounded me with love. I know I’m needy, but I can’t help it. Every bit of love they show me reminds me I’m worthy of it. And then I met you.”

I was intrigued to hear what was coming.

“You came into our lives, and you didn’t even hesitate to give love. You hugged freely; you invited us to your home and helped Peter do something for Thomas. You’re more than our friend, Jarod. You’re like… well, like a surrogate father to some of us.”

“Old enough to be your grandfather,” I groaned.

Scott chuckled. “Well, not quite. But you know what? I never had one, and I liked doing things with you. We all did. That night we spent at your house? It was one of the loveliest memories I have. Do you know how many sleepovers I had as a kid? None. I had no friends, wasn’t allowed outside because I’d embarrass my parents with my lack of social skills, athletic prowess, or whatever their excuse of the day was.”

Some people didn’t deserve children.

“But you? You stepped in and worried that
we
wouldn’t like you.” He snuggled closer. “I’ll let you in on a secret. We thought you weren’t going to want anything to do with us. In fact, we were certain you’d look down your nose at the
children
. You didn’t, though. You came right in and showed what a wonderful man you are. The man we all came to love.”

There was that word again. Love.

“There’s a man out here looking for his fiancé.”

I hadn’t even heard Eli enter the room. He stood beside the bed, gazing down at the pair of us, his eyes warm.

“Oops.” Scott wriggled out of the bed, just as Ben came into the room and walked over to us. He nodded toward me.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, thank you. The doctor says I can be out of here in a day or so.” My chest tightened, and for a brief moment I panicked. Then it eased, and I realized it had been a reaction to the thought of leaving. Where would I be going?

The sound of a shrill bell cut through the quiet room. Ben sighed. “That’s the end of visiting, I guess.” He took my hand and squeezed it. “You make sure Eli takes care of you, and I’ll see you soon.”

Before I could respond, Scott lunged forward to give me a warm hug. “And I’ll see you soon too. Count on it,” he whispered into my ear. He stepped back, and the couple exited the room.

Eli regarded me for a moment. I still wasn’t sure what to say to him. He’d been so honest with me, and yet my thoughts were in turmoil.

“I sent Maggie home,” he said at last. “She needs to spend a night in her own bed. She’ll be back tomorrow. The nurse told me I have to leave you alone while the doc does his rounds, so I’ll be back in a bit.” He paused, and I was sure there was more to come, but then he turned and walked out of the room.

Part of me was relieved, because I had some thinking to do, and I needed a clear head.

Eli

I CLOSED
the door to the relatives’ room and fished my phone out of my jeans pocket. I scrolled through my history and called Will, who’d been the last call. He’d been great, explaining what was going on, confirming what the doctor had said about Jarod’s mental state right then.

But at that moment, I needed some advice.

“Hey, I was just about to text you.”

I settled back into the armchair. “Oh?”

“I figured they’d be getting ready to discharge Jarod pretty soon. How’s he doing?”

I sighed. “Physically they’re pleased with his progress.” I hesitated for a moment before continuing. “He’s still not talking much, Will.”

“There’s probably a lot going on inside his head. You need to remember, after a heart attack, it’s common to have negative feelings. He’s dealing with fear, depression, denial, anxiety…. And these things don’t disappear overnight. They can last from two to six months after the attack. You given any more thought to finding him a counselor?”

“Thomas gave me a recommendation, but I haven’t called her yet.” I’d wanted to discuss it first with Jarod, but that was looking less likely. I’d really thought laying my feelings out there, telling him how I felt about him, would have prompted some response. Heaven knew, I didn’t expect an automatic, “I love you too,” but some indication that he had feelings for me would have been good. Anything would have been better than this silence.

“Eli? What is it?”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to share with someone what was turning me inside out, upside down. “I love him, Will.”

There was a silence, followed by a slow expulsion of breath. “Wow.”

“Well, it would be wow if I knew how he felt.” I poured it all out—Jarod’s legal decisions, my reaction, my declaration,
his
reaction, all of it. “So any minute now they’re going to discharge him, and I haven’t a clue what to do. Will he be stubborn and refuse to come home with me?”

“I can’t answer that one for you. But let’s be positive. Let’s assume Jarod is coming home with you. There are going to have to be changes.”

I’d already begun thinking about those. “My boss has told me I can take as much time as I need.”

“Okay, this is tricky. Jarod won’t need looking after, in that he won’t be bedridden. But you’ll want to spend more time with him, just because of the nature of your relationship. This might require a rethink about your job.”

The thought had crossed my mind too.

“He’ll be on meds, probably beta-blockers. But apart from the medication, there are things you can be doing to improve his chances of not having another attack. You do know, if he’s had one, it’s likely he could have another, right?”

“Oh yes. Already had this conversation with his doctor.”

“Okay. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he eats sensibly. I think the key for Jarod is going to be physical activity. Some people are afraid to exercise after a heart attack, and yet that’s exactly what they need to be doing. It strengthens the heart and reduces your risk of future heart attacks.” He sighed. “I see this time and time again. I tell my patients, a heart attack is not a sign that you should back away from life. It’s a sign that health—physical and mental—should be your priority. These are lifesaving changes we’re talking about.”

“Jarod doesn’t exactly lead a sedentary life,” I interjected. “How much exercise are we talking about?”

“Regular exercise needs to be three to five times a week, maybe thirty minutes each time. But yes, the more active Jarod is in his everyday live, the stronger and healthier he’ll become.”

I had an idea. “Would jogging be considered too much?”

“If we’re talking marathon preparation, then yes,” Will joked. “But a light jog, a few times a week…. He needs to do a stress test for his doctor. They’ll soon tell him what level of exercise he should be considering.” He paused. “Has your doctor mentioned sex yet?”

“Not yet, no.” And I wasn’t surprised Jarod hadn’t brought it up. I imagined it wasn’t high on his list of priorities right then.

“It’s important to remember that those negative feelings I mentioned often lead to a loss of sexual interest. Sex now seems a scary proposition. Patients often feel sexual activity will provoke another heart attack. But sex is another form of exercise. If he’s cleared for physical activity, then he’s cleared for sex too.”

“Good to know. Thanks, Will.”

“Hey, anytime. You ever need to talk, you know where I am, okay?”

I thanked him again and disconnected, feeling more confident. It felt good to have answers at my fingertips.

Now all I have to do is find out what’s going on in Jarod’s head.

Jarod

“I’VE MADE
up my mind. I’m not going back to your house.” It was the third time I’d said it, and Eli still wasn’t listening. The doctors had said I could go home the next day.

That was the beginning of a high-level discussion.

“You still haven’t given me a reason why. A good enough reason,” he added quickly.

“We can’t continue as we were. I won’t put you through that.” Just thinking about it made my heart ache.

Eli rose to his feet and walked over to the bed. He gripped the rail at the head of the bed and stared at me. “Put me through what, pet?” When I remained silent, he groaned. “Oh, for God’s sake, Jarod, just
say
it. Whatever it is that’s on your mind, let it out.” His gaze locked on mine. “Please, pet.”

I stared into those green eyes that I loved and took a deep breath.

“I’m going to die first. You’ll be alone like I was. I told Peter it didn’t matter as long as you surrounded yourself with friends, but it
does
matter.” I was shaking when I finished. I’d said it.

Eli became so very still. Then to my surprise, he smiled. “Is that it?
That’s
what’s been plaguing you?”

I nodded, still stunned by that smile.

Eli sat on the edge of the bed and took both my hands in his. I stared at them, our fingers laced together.

“Look at me, pet.”

I raised my chin and looked into his eyes that regarded me with such intensity, it sent a shiver down my back.

“I want you to listen, because this is important. Do you remember when Jerry had the accident? I was supposed to be in that truck. Would it still have happened if I had been driving it? Who knows? He drives a little faster than me, so maybe I wouldn’t have been in the same spot. Maybe I’d have gotten there a bit later and found myself in it.” He squeezed my hands. “There are no guarantees in life, you know. I could be here smiling at you one minute, and walk out to the car and get hit by a bus the next. But the only way to avoid that is to cut ourselves off from everyone. To be lonely all the time.”

Eli released my hand and cupped my chin, still gazing at me intently. “I would rather risk having a year, a month, hell, even a week with you, than never to know you at all. Do you understand me? Would you give anything to have had one more day with Phillip? To tell him you love him?”

Fuck. The sob spilled out of my mouth, and I was powerless to prevent it. “Yes.”

Eli regarded me in silence for a moment and then gently wiped away the tears with his fingers. “That’s the thing. We always want one more day. But if we make the most of each one we have, then nothing is wasted. Do you understand?”

I shook my head. I didn’t understand at all. Who in their right mind would want to be hurt? Then it came to me. “I forget sometimes,” I said quietly.

“Forget what?” Eli insisted, his tone matching mine.

I took another deep breath. “That you’re so much younger than me. You made me forget I was old.” Eli huffed. He let go of my hand and turned away, running his fingers through his hair. I remembered doing that. Feeling the strands as they slid through my fingers. The moans as I scratched lightly at his scalp. The way his head pressed into my lap.

Life was unfair. First it took Phillip away from me, and now it would take the man I had come to love too.

“Was Phillip old?”

Eli’s question dragged me back. I frowned. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Eli gave a shrug. “Simple enough question. Do you think Phillip was old?”

I paused for a moment, wanting to gather my thoughts.

“Jarod, answer my question. Was he old?”

I remembered the scenes we did, the vitality the man possessed. The way he lit me up with a look. But there were things I had ignored. He wasn’t as quick as he’d been when we’d first got together. His strokes with the paddle lacked the same bite they’d had when he first brought it into our games. But there was a ferocity to him. A way of overwhelming me, not with his body, but more his personality. Did I consider him old?

“No, Sir. Phillip was older than me, but I would never have said he was old.”

He nodded. “Then you need to get that thought out of your head. Let me tell you something. That first day I saw you, your age wasn’t an issue. I didn’t look at you and think, ‘he’s too old for this.’ I saw a man who was comfortable in his skin. One who lived and breathed submission. Yet now you’re trying to push me away, so I must ask one more question. Do you want to be alone again?”

Eli was never one to miss the point. The thought of being alone in that house chilled me. I didn’t want to live surrounded only by memories of what had been. More than anything, I wanted to be Eli’s pet. To sleep in his bed while he held me. To once again know the touch of love. A lump formed in my throat, and I couldn’t answer beyond shaking my head.

“Words, remember. I need to hear them.”

“No,” I sobbed. “I hated being alone. I hated Phillip for leaving me, and I hated myself for being so damned weak that I couldn’t move on with my life.”

Eli stroked his fingers over my face. “You’re not alone now, pet. You have Alex and Scott and Peter. Most importantly, you have me. We are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together beautifully. I need you, Jarod. Do you understand? This pity party of yours is over. We have a life to live, but it needs both of us to do it. Will you take my hand and come with me, or do you want me to leave you here in this bed, waiting to die?”