Divorced Dating and Damn Drama (19 page)

"Ok." I say blandly. I fail to see where this is my problem.

"So you will buy them lunch then?" He asks hopefully.

"No, I didn't even know your friends were coming." I answer truthfully.

"Why wouldn't they be? I always go to the mall with my friends, I'm not a loser." Tommy mocks.

"But we were going out on a date." I say, trying to get him to understand where I am coming from.

"Yes, a date with me and my friends." Tommy says gleefully.

"No." I say bluntly.

"Look, can you buy them lunch or not?" Tommy asks getting frustrated.

"I can't afford to buy them lunch." I say honestly. Why on earth would I buy his friends lunch if I can't even buy my own? We were going to the mall because it is free. It's air-conditioned and free.

"Really? It sounds like you have money management issues." I have money management issues? He is the one asking for me to buy his friends food. They are his friends; maybe he is the one with money management issues. And I had gotten all excited and everything. What am I doing wrong? What could I possibility be doing wrong that everyone turns out to be horrible.

"I don't eat the most intelligent mammal in the world." says Lee. It's the very next day and we are at a restaurant. Really? That's amazing, but why are you telling me? Maybe he wants me to guess what that is, I have no idea.

"Dolphin?" I ask. What? I thought dolphins were intelligent.

"Swine, you are eating bacon." He argues, pointing to my plate.

"Oh, I didn't know you were a vegetarian." I say debating if I should spit out my wonderfully delicious bacon. Oh but I love it so much. Sorry piglets.

"I'm not; I enjoy eating the stupid animals such as goats, cows and chickens." Lee corrects leaning back and crossing his arms.

"Is there a cut off IQ or something?" I ask, trying not to laugh. I mean how can you eat stupid animals, does your worth depend on how many tricks you can do? Because if that was true we would all be eating turtles. They just sit there.

"Clearly you were not well educated." He snuffs. Why is education the go to insult? Oh man I'm thinking of cleverer insults such as: I thought you would sympathize with pigs, I know they are your family. Zing. I got me. It's sad when you make up better insults for yourself then your date does. But I do admit I have a high score when insulting myself. Because I have had years of practice.

"Do you mean stuck up?" I inquire. I said this to imply he was stuck up.

"I am not stuck up, I just happen to respect my fellow mammals." He says matter-of-factly. At least my insult didn't go over his head.

"By eating the stupid ones?" I ask.

"I don't have all day to properly educate you
." He snuffs.
Apparently it would only take a day. Well I am talking that as a complement then. What? A day to educate me, my high school teacher spent a year teaching me that she didn't care. I just thought she cared, but I was wrong. She in fact, did not.

"Then you should go." I say shoving some more bacon in my mouth. What? It's a BLT. There is going to be bacon in every bite.

"No madam it is you who should go." He demands.

"But I was here first and I am eating." I inform him.

"Well I'm not leaving." He says being stubborn.

"So you're just going to sit and watch me eat?" I ask honestly.

"Yes." He shouts.

"I'm ok with that." I say then continue eating. Funny ending to that one; he actually got hungry and ordered the same thing. Yes, he ate the bacon. So much for the smart animals. I just want to clear something up, I'm not anti pigs I'm just pro bacon. What? It tastes good.

As upsetting as some of my dates have been, I can relish in the horrible pick up lines that come across my desk every day. That was a metaphor, I mean computer screen.

"You're the farmer to my cucumber."

"Did you get hurt when you fell off the stripper pole?"

"You're the turtle to my shell because without you I'm dead."

"You're like a cow, and if you don't produce male off springs I will lead you to the slaughter house."

"I have a tattoo of a whale on my back, it was modeled after you."

"I have a girl who gives me head and she looks like you."

"I know this is fast but can you be my alibi?"

"Roses are black, violets are red, I have been lying, I hope you are dead."

"I noticed you were a woman."

"Your hair is short, does that mean you are open to a threesome?"

Another class that I hear about online. This one is supposed to be a creative nail course. Yes, I know I'm already enrolled in a reading course, but that isn't a draw to guys. Sara says I need to take a course that is not as nerdy. So that's what led me to this nail course. Apparently there is a big demand for how to make nail art. The six week course is two hundred dollars; luckily the first one is free. So hooray for free stuff.

I pull up to my old high school, which is where the class
is being held. I find my old science class and take a seat.
I'm waiting for about ten minutes, alone, when the instructor walks in and says it has been canceled. I checked the stupid website 5 minutes ago, but it's cancelled
. I get up to leave and as
I'm walking towards the school'
s door I hear music. Why is there music? I stop and listen. That sounds
like a song I listened to in high school. I turn around and begin to follow the music. I do, I recognize that song. I move towards the music and into the school's gym I open the doors and see party balloons, banners, cake and drinks. I look up and see a big banner that reads the year of my class reunion. I go and grab myself a cup of punch. I look down and look into the paper cup. It's red, it'
s red punch. Was I really not invited to my own
reunion
? I walk around searching for some of my old
friends. I spot Cheryl; we both were in the mathletics. That's not a big accomplishment but it was something.

"Hi Cheryl!" I say with a forced smile

"Oh, Mar I didn't know you were here." She runs up to me and gives me a quick hug.

"Miss our reunion?" I take a sip of punch. "Now why would I do that?" I ask meekly.

'"Maybe because you were not invited." She says with an awkward smile plastered on her face.

"What?" I ask.

"You weren't invited." She says, dropping the act. By that I mean no longer smiling and pretending she is happy to see me.

"What, why?" I asked, generally confused.

"Well.. because you know." She says.

"The divorce?" I ask. Everything always revolves around Henry.

"And the trial. Come on Mar, voting against Henry and trying to put an innocent man in jail, I had no idea you would stoop so low." Cheryl accuses.

"Cheryl you can't think that's true." I plead.

"I haven't heard you say it wasn't." she said crossing her arms.

"I'm saying it now." I said.

"Mar, it's over. You should just leave." She points to the door.

"You're my best friend." I said, trying to appeal to her emotional side.

"Was. I was your best friend. Not anymore. "She abruptly turns and leaves. I can see Henry walking on stage ready to accept his award for most successful something or other crap, I don't care.

I wish I could say I turned back and left. But I didn't. I walked right up to the cake located in the corner or the room and took it. The whole sheet of cake. This could feed my apartment for a week. What? Did you expect me to do something drastic? I took the cake. That is drastic. You people watch too many movies. Real life isn't a movie; people don't go around pouring blood on people.

Now Michael was a simple man at the age of twenty six. He thought that he was the smartest kid on the block after scoring the winning touchdown eight years ago. Please, do not have the greatest moment of your live be something you did in high school. Yes I know, I can be a bit annoying about Henry as well, but we lasted through our high school fling. Anyways, Michael got it in his tiny little brain
that I was the woman for him, because I would buy him things.

"I just don't think going into debt to buy me things is a big deal." Michael claims as he shoves another bite of syrup drenched pancakes in his mouth. This time he didn't manage to get all of them in his mouth as a few pieces dropped on the table and syrup dripped from his plump red lips.

"I don't just risk having my credit cards declined and being kicked out of my rented room." I rebutted. I use my fork to stir the syrup on my plate, suddenly losing my appetite.

"You can make money other ways." he implied. Scooping the rest of the pancake into his over sized mouth then wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. He looks me up and down. I am wearing a gold colored dress, low cut to show off my not yet sagging breasts.

"Are you suggesting I sell myself for the sole purpose of buying you things?" I accuse, checking my phone in the hopes that someone half way intelligent messaged me.

"It's not like you haven't done it before." He scoffs. Then proceeds to grab my plate and eat off it as well. Well this is my cue to exit. So I get up and walk out. My half of the bill had already been paid before he even arrived. I have gotten smart like that, ordering and paying before the other party gets there. It makes rejection less painful. How? You ask. Well, we don't have to fight over the bill, which has happened on me in many accessions. I also do not feel guilty and pay their half of the bill when they inform me at the end of the meal that they did not bring any money. Sucks for you looser.

Thomas Mathews. Twenty five with a pit bull and likes to party. Sara really wants this to work but I'm just not feeling it. All these guys are too young or too old. A 30 year old asked me if this was really my face. I told him I stole it from a hooker. He then proceeded to ask me how much. Thinking he was playing I said take me out and we'll see. He asked if he took me out, would he be required to talk to me. Well you know how much I love twilight and how men staring at me without blinking is my idea of a good time... That was sarcasm, I hate twilight.

You can't just say you own your own company. So many guys simply say they own their own company. They do everything themselves, right down to lying about the company. I don't know why people do it. Not the lying about owning a company, I understand that. But why do they have to be so stupid about it. I yet again must plead with internet guys; If you are going to lie I implore you to lie well.

"Yes, I'm the owner of Kari and Kari Productions." Cary said. Feeling smug because he thinks he just pulled the wool over my eyes, but sadly for him, he didn't. Did anyone find it odd that he spelled his name different in his company name then his birth name. Hmm, makes me wonder if he lied about the spelling of his name. Of all the things to lie about he picked his name.

"And what does your company do?" I ask, ignoring all pleasantries.

"Company stuff." Cary stammers, avoiding eye contact.

"Um, ok. Do you have a lot of products you are pushing?" I ask, arms folded.

"Yes," he says, now trying to match my stare,

"Do you have a lot of customers?" I ask, keeping my head level and maintaining eye contact.

"Yes." He says, leaning in and using the table to support himself upright.

"Do you use direct deposit or give advances?" I ask, leaning in.

"No." He shouts, combing his hair nervously with his hand.

"How do you pay your employees?" I question.

"Money." he spits, like a cow.

"I asked how?" I said, making sure I sat taller than him, thus forcing him to look up at me.

"I said I pay them with money. You don't own a company so you have no idea what it is like." He says, looking confused and troubled.

"Do you have a website or Facebook page?" I ask, pulling out my phone as if about to look it up.

"You don't understand how companies work." He says, then takes a sip of his soda and begs me to talk about something else, even though he was the one boasting about his company. I oblige him and we shift the conversation to the neutral subject of how he likes his potatoes.

I am told that if online dating doesn't work out I will be forced to talk to people in real life. Hey, I take offence to that. I do talk to people in real life. I was married for six years and I had a very active social life. It's just different now. He got all the friends in the divorce. I didn't even know the judge could do that. No he can't. They must have chosen him. I thought they were my friends too, but I guess I was wrong. What is wrong with me? Why does everyone seem to hate me?

"Everyone doesn't hate you." Sara tried to explain in the living room. "They just see your brown jacket, muffin top and run."

"But don't try to catch them and eat that." Said Ruby. Did I ever tell you where Ruby is sleeping since her room is Sara's new photo studio? It's the couch. Ruby is sleeping on the couch.

"Why would I eat them?!" I ask Ruby

"Well you know." Ruby says then looks at my stomach.

"Really, is my muffin top so big that you actually think I would eat another human being?" I demand.

"My ride's here!" Ruby says then she gets up and leaves.

I turn to Sara "Really, is it that bad?" I ask while patting my pudgy stomach

"You could work on it" She says under her breath. That night I went online and got myself a gym membership. I hate gyms.

Beep, beep. 5 am. I get up. It's gym time! I would work out at a reasonable hour but I have to leave for work at seven and I want to keep my evenings free for my dating social life. So it does have to be at 5am. Lucky for me, Sara is still pumped from her night of fun and Ruby likes to watch Sara work out, so the gym is now a family affair. They are not related by blood, but at least they didn't pick my husband in the divorce. That counts as some sort of family, since my parents did-pick my ex -husband that is. He's a lawyer they say, you should beg for forgiveness they say. Hello, he cheated on me. I really don't understand how everyone still blames me for him cheating. It's not like after he left me he settled down and became a real loving husband with Isabel. He is still determined to sleep his way through the entire town. So far, he is doing an excellent job of it. I expect the goal to be accomplished in the next few months.