Ditching The Dream (Dream Series) (46 page)

Kevin choked on his coffee, spraying it all over me.

“Sorry,” I laughed. “Too much info, huh?”

“No, no,” he sputtered, trying to regain his breath, and handing me a couple napkins so I could mop off. “Just that he thought you had a low libido or weren’t into sex.”

“Yeah. I’m kind of surprised myself. For one, that he thought that, but for two, how much I really do like sex.” I dropped my head into my hands as I felt my face burn.

“Hey, no shame, sugar,” he whispered, crooking a finger under my chin and pulling my face to look at him. “You are a treasure to be admired and adored and cared for.”

“But I don’t really deserve it. Not after these past few weeks. I’ve cheated on Greg so many times. If I were Catholic, I’d be on my knees and chanting Hail Mary’s until I turn sixty.”

Kevin let out a belly laugh. “So, what now?”

“I don’t know. I wish I could easily choose one or the other. Shelby’s advice was that I should choose the second one I fell in love with because if I really loved the first one, I wouldn’t have found the second one.”

“Do you love Jack?”

“Good question. I don’t know. It’s crazy how close we’ve gotten. I mean at first, it was just a crazy attraction. Then we got to know each other more, without secrets. Did I tell you that I actually knew Jack thirty years ago?

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yeah. We grew up in the same town. He used to date my sister’s best friend. Small world, huh?”

“Smaller and smaller every day.”

“Oh my god,” I blurted.

“What?”

“I just realized something.”

“What?”

“I knew Jack before you were even born!”

We stared at one another for a moment, then collapsed in a fit of giggles. People all around us were turning to stare. I didn’t care. It felt good to laugh.

“It’s not funny,” I snorted. “I could have been your babysitter if we grew up in the same town.”

He was laughing so hard now that he was grabbing his sides. I had tears running down my face. “I would have
loved
that!” he howled.

When we quieted, Kevin’s expression became serious. “Want my advice?”

“I would love it,” I said, calming down myself.

“My
abuela
always used to say,
The grass is always greener –”

“Yeah, I know…
On the other side,
” I whined, cutting him off.

“No. That’s not what she said.” He picked up my hand and stared me square in the face. “She used to say,
The grass is always greener where you water it.
”

Hmmmm. That
was
a good one,
I thought. And true.

Maybe I hadn’t watered my marriage. I watered my relationship with Kevin, telling him what I wanted in bed. Giving in to doing things like dancing with him, even though I was scared crazy to do so. I was watering the grass with Jack. Running to him and begging him to make love to me, even asking for punishment. I had done some watering last night by revealing my newfound skills and self-knowledge to Greg.

I was so confused. Both Shelby and Kevin had perfectly good advice.

“Look, one more piece of unsolicited advice, and then I’ll let you think it over. That you’re not willing to walk away from Greg so easily tells me that you still love him. Maybe you’re not
in
love with him, but maybe there’s a chance. You must have said
Yes
and
I do
all those years ago for some reason.”

I took a deep breath and let it out. Maybe I had let years of dissatisfaction cloud my memories.

We walked home together and he chatted about his day. I really hoped he’d find that
someone special
soon.

Inside my apartment, curled up with a White Russian, I sat and thought. And then, thought some more. Which life was the
dream
meant for me? Which dream do I walk away from? A peaceful marriage? Or an overcharged relationship. I couldn’t know where Jack’s mind was with this. And Greg, he’d made an effort…for me. Jack said those three little words. I chose to ignore them. But there they were, whispering in my ear. Did he mean it? Or was it the moment. With Greg, he loved me — in his own way, and there was nearly twenty-five years of history to prove it.

I changed my mind more times than an impatient driver changes lanes on the freeway.

By the time the moon was the only light in my apartment, I had decided what to do.

About ten-thirty, my phone lit up with an incoming call from Phoebe. Was she calling to warn me that her Dad might show up?

“Hey sweetheart, what’s up?” I answered.

“Well, a lot, actually,” she chirped. “I don’t have much time, so I’ll just cut to the chase. I got the internship!”

“That’s terrific! When do you start?”

“I have to be in the city toward the end of May. I was wondering if you could see if there’s another rental in the building you live in. We could be neighbors!”

“I’ll look into it, honey. I’m so proud of you. I’ll talk to you soon.” I hung up the phone and laughed. She was so lucky.

Maybe things were working out the way they were supposed to.

“S
orry, did you say you were leaving?” he asked, setting the bottle of wine down. He walked over to me with two glasses of red. I was sitting in my favorite chair in his living room, the oversized velvet one. It was Tuesday night. I’d spent the whole day getting things in order.

“Yes, I did,” I barely whispered.

“Where are you going? When will you be back? Can I come with?”

“I’m going home. I’m not coming back. No, you cannot come with.”

“Home? To that unappreciative lout? The one who doesn’t understand your needs? Who doesn’t make you scream with pleasure? The one who takes you for granted?
That
home?”

I could only nod. It was the right thing for me to do. Greg had made strides. He was working on a new mind set. I think we’ll be just fine. I hope we will. This afternoon he’d sent me a text.

2:17PM

I’m still thinking about

Sunday night. Can’t wait

until you come home.

xoGox

“I can’t just throw away more than twenty-years with him without trying, Jack. He’s still my husband. He loves me. In his own way, he loves me. I have to go back and see if we can make it work. I left without talking to him, trying therapy, nothing.”

Jack stood and slowly strode over to me. He kneeled down in front of me. He spread my knees and nestled in closer. My heart started to pound in my ears. I started to feel dizzy. Why did he affect me so strongly?

“Your heart is pounding now that I’m closer. I can see it.” Leaving one hand on my knee, he ran a light finger along my neck, then he stretched up and placed his lips on my pulsing artery. “Does he make your heart pound like this?”

My head dropped back as he brushed his lips all over my neck, his finger continued to trail downward. With his typical ease, he undid the buttons – one handed. He pushed the fabric aside and his finger trailed over my left breast, causing my breath to hitch involuntarily. “Does he make you catch your breath with a mere touch?” Why must my body betray me?

The hand that had been resting like a hot iron on my knee was now sliding up my thigh, leaving a burning path in its wake. He brushed his thumb along my inner thigh. I willed myself to not move, but when his thumb brushed over my sensitive, lace covered and now throbbing clit, my body quivered, aching for more. “Does he make you quiver with need?”

“Ja–,” I started, but he didn’t let me finish. His mouth came crashing down on mine. I could sense the desperation in his lips, in his tongue as it gracefully pressed into my willing mouth.

His hand in my shirt pulled the lace cups of my bra away, and he roughly grabbed my breast, rolling my nipple skillfully between his fingers. The hand under my skirt pulled the lace aside there as well. A finger plunged inside with a thumb pressing on my clit through my now soaked panties. He inhaled deeply, reverently.

My hands dove into his hair, clinging desperately. My kisses returning the same force and need that his sought. “Do you get this wet for him? I don’t think so. That’s because we were meant to be, Beth.”

With his mouth off of mine, I desperately sucked in air, but I didn’t seem to be able to breathe at all. I just wanted his mouth back. It was my turn. I pulled his head down to my breast. He sucked and nipped at my left nipple through the delicate lace. I cried out which spurred him on.

His hand left my core and reached up to finish removing my top. But all finesse was gone. He literally tore the shirt open sending buttons hither and yon. Next, he clawed at the lace that wouldn’t stay out of his way, tearing it from its place.

The intensity in his eyes was unlike anything I had seen there before. Sure, the heat that was always there was in his glorious brown eyes was burning, but this was more like a bonfire. More than had been at the Met, more than had been in the limo. This was a fire would not be extinguished.

Suddenly he stood. He grabbed my hand, pulling me up from my seat, and with a determined stride let me out of the living room and up the stairs.

“Jack, I can’t. I told you –” I stammered. He stopped and turned. He was standing on the step above me, increasing his height. He was so commanding. But, he stepped around me and took a step below me so he was a tad shorter than me.

He looked up, eyes pleading. “You’ve told me many things, Beth. You’ve told me what life was like with him. How he didn’t satisfy you, ever, the way I can, the way I do, the way I crave when I’m with you. You’ve told me how I make you feel.”

He tucked his shoulder under my hips and in a swift upward motion lifted me and carried me up the remaining stairs. A reminder? That wasn’t what I needed.

We reached the top of the stairs and I fully was expecting him to open the first door and punish me, but he passed that door swiftly. Then he passed the guest room door. Where was he taking me?

Slowly, he lowered me in front of a door, still facing him. His eyes searching mine. “Let me show you all of me, the way you have shown me all of you. This is
my
bedroom.”

He reached the doorknob behind me and I felt it give way. Light softly filtered into the hallway. I was terrified to turn and see. This was his room. The place I was to never go. What would I see? Would it be as shocking as the Secret Panel in the first room?

Sensing that I wasn’t going to turn on my own, or that I couldn’t turn around on my own, Jack placed his hands on my shoulders and spun me around.

A soft palate of creams greeted me. No deep brooding browns, or reds, or greens. Creams and whites. I stepped inside tentatively, taking it all in. Simple shaker style furnishings. A quilt on the bed. Childhood trophies from little league on the shelves. It was an oasis of calm in here.

As I made my way further into the room, the walls caught my attention. Photographs.
Family photographs!
A couple of his early modeling days, but inspecting more closely, a brother or sister or two were in the photo with him. I hadn’t realized that his family ever supported his career. The town gossip was that he left and left it all behind. And he’d been very clear about his parents’ position on his profession.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked.

“Because I’m a selfish man who has never felt for another person what I feel for you. Because I want nothing more than to treasure you, and worship you for the next twenty or thirty years. I want to take you to Europe and South America. I want to make you feel as good about yourself as I feel about you. Because I like who I am when I’m with you.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

His kisses trailed down my nose and across my cheek then followed my jaw. Tears filled my eyes. I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from crying. When he pulled back and looked me in the eye, his eyes were not just filled with tears, they were flowing down his face.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. What kind of heartless bitch was I? I broke my husband’s heart. I broke Kevin’s heart. I was breaking Jack’s heart. I had broken my own heart. The tears I’d worked at holding back, broke free. I let them stream down my face shamelessly.

His lips, trembling, came to rest on mine. His kiss was sweet. His hands gentle.

“Please?” he murmured against my lips. “Don’t go.”

“Jack. I have to choose, and I chose. I have to know if –”

He cut me off by kissing me, his tongue easily gaining entrance to my willing mouth.

I pushed against his strong chest. He let me.

“I won’t give up on you, Beth. I can’t. You are a part of me as much as I am a part of you. You can go back to Napa, but you’ll always be here.” He placed his hands over his heart. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait because you are worth it.”

I leaned in and sweetly kissed the side of his mouth. I would have kissed his cheek, but that was too cold. And if I placed my lips on his, I wouldn’t have left. Pulling back, I could see the sadness in his eyes, and a glimmer of hope. I swallowed, turned, and walked away.