Distractions (25 page)

His head was bent down while

clutching

the

yellowed

piece

of

notebook paper. “You didn’t know, Vy,

did you? I tried to say I was sorry. They

didn’t tell you.”

I leaned against the entry of the

door, carefully crafting a response. He

knew why they didn’t tell me just like I

did. They knew if I stayed, I would have

died. Connor and I were two tornados

bound to destroy everything in our path.

Separating us was the only hope they had

for me coming out of that in one piece.

“Can you blame them?” I left it at

that and turned once again to leave. The

day was cloudy and snow began to flurry

all around. Funerals have a funny way of

making the weather add to the ambiance

of the day. The Jeep had heated seats

that didn’t require the engine to be on, so

I waited for Connor to lock up and get

going.

He opened the door and stepped in

slowly with the letter still gripped in his

hand. Holding it for a few moments

before looking at me, his eyes were

growing red as the blood started to fill

the vessels from emotional pressure.

“Please read it, Violet. I need you

to.” His hands trembled as they reached

across the divider and waited for me to

take it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to read

what he had to say then. I knew this was

important to him, so I gently pried the

folded paper from his fingers and

opened it up. In the world of digital

communication, a handwritten letter is a

rare commodity. You know when you

receive one that the author took a great

deal of time conveying what they felt.

Every word was written with precision,

which made me wonder how many drafts

he completed before finishing the final

product I now held. It was not long – just

half a page or so. That was all it took to

rip every piece down to the foundation.

My sweet Violet,

I fucked up. I know I did real

badly. I have nightmares about that

look on your face when you walked in

on us. I didn’t mean for it to happen.

That ain’t an excuse. You have given

me more chances than I deserved. I

don’t know where you are. I can’t find

you and I am going out of my mind. I

can’t eat or sleep. Drugs and drinkin’

don’t do a damn thing to make the pain

stop. I know I can’t call your dad, and

you stopped talking to everyone else.

I don’t blame you for running

away from me. I knew I was gonna hurt

you. I don’t want to, but I manage to

keep doing it. I hope someday you can

forgive me. I know I am never going to

see you again and it’s my own damn

fault. I deserve these nightmares. Since

I know it’s never going to be me, I want

you to find someone who can treat you

the way you should be. He’d better

worship the ground you walk on,

because any man who doesn’t is going

to be as broken as me.

I will love you forever, Violet

Phillips.

Connor

I clenched my jaw in a useless

attempt to hold back the tears…not just

for the man who was sitting next to me,

but for the other one I left behind. I did

find someone who loved me completely,

and I ran. I knew it must have hurt him,

but after seeing Connor in this moment, I

couldn’t bear the thought of what I truly

did. Yeah, Connor screwed up, but

Shepard never did – not once. I ran from

pain; it was easier than facing it, but you

can’t out-run yourself…

Chapter 24 -

Broken Vows

I had asked for big band music to

be played during the service because

that is what my grandma wanted. She

told me on several occasions, “Don’t be

sad when I die, because I won’t be. I

will be with Jesus, not in the ground.”

She requested to be cremated and have

her ashes spread off the mountain side

facing Colorado Springs. The snow

prevented us from getting up there today,

and it would be best to do during

warmer weather.

I had to come back to clean out the

house, but now that Connor had bought

it, I had time. He was sitting in a chair at

the edge of the room, letting me speak to

everyone and accept their condolences.

Vivienne came up behind me while

glancing at him and whispered, “She

would be furious to know he was here. I

am not happy one iota about this, Violet,

but it’s your life. Just do me a favor and

be smart. Yeah, he bought the ranch, but

what is it going cost you?”

With that, she plastered on her

bright smile and went about the room,

speaking words of encouragement.

Connor witnessed the exchange and I

knew it was concerning him. Looking

back over to Vivienne, he caught her evil

glare. If people were not in mourning,

they may have noticed, but no one did.

Everyone began to slowly enter the

sanctuary for the service. Grandma

didn’t want anything too fancy, so it

would be short and sweet. We waited

for everyone to go in first – Vivienne

ahead of me. I grabbed Connor’s hand

and opened the heavy wooden door.

Pausing for a second, the irony of the

situation made me smirk.

“Well, you kept one promise; you

always said one day you were going to

walk me down the aisle.” I tried to laugh

to keep from crying more.

Everyone turned around to watch us

as we made our way up the path, fingers

interlaced. I squeezed his hand tightly

while nearing the altar and the pastor

standing in the middle. The bitter

sweetness of this moment made my legs

feel like lead. Connor looked down at

me and grabbed my elbow to offer more

support. My tears of grief encompassed

not just the one life lost.

Once I was seated, the preacher

began. His booming voice filled the

room, echoing slightly through the

rafters.

“Each of us is born with a purpose,

a calling from the Almighty. Too often,

we are distracted by the world to walk

in that destiny. Our lives are cluttered

with obligations and circumstances that

prevent us from the fullness we can

experience through reconciliation. Christ

does not look at the outside of a man, but

into his heart. When Christ looked at

Melody Latham, he beamed with pride at

his child and how she loved him and

those around her. She opened her home

to anyone who needed a hot meal, or a

place to stay for a while. Now, we all

know she had a backbone made of steel

and when crossed, she would put you in

your place, but few ever had need or

desire to find out.”

Connor looked down, no doubt

thinking about how everything happened.

Lacing my arm underneath his, I tried to

convey reassurance. His sweating palm

and shaking knee calmed a little at my

gesture. Using my other hand to gently

massage his upper arm, we rested our

heads against each other, secure in our

cocoon of solace.

I managed to laugh as people told

humorous stories about both of my

grandparents and us girls. There were so

many people there that I didn’t even

notice Connor’s parents come in the

back door. After the service, they were

waiting in the reception area for us. His

mother, JoEllen, was tearing up at the

sight of me. With outstretched arms, she

pulled me close to her chest and began

to bawl loudly.

“Oh, little Violet, how I have

missed you. Charles and I both have – so

much. Why didn’t you keep in touch with

us?” She looked genuinely wounded by

my lack of communication.

Charles’ jaw tensed while he

looked at a sullen Connor. Reaching up

to rub my shoulders, he smiled

affectionately and addressed his wife.

“She’s made something of herself;

Connor tells me she’s a doctor now. We

knew she would go far, didn’t we, Jo?”

This unprompted reunion gave

equal amounts of guilt and joy. They

were happy to see me, which was all

that mattered. It never even crossed my

mind they would be upset I left. I only

thought of myself. Connor’s actions were

selfish, yet they too affected everyone

around him. I had enough sadness for

today; I asked Charles and JoEllen if

they wanted to have dinner with us. They

politely declined and hugged me tightly

before leaving. Before walking away,

Charles turned to Connor.

“Not everyone gets second chances,

son. Don’t ruin yours.” He smiled at me

and then left.

Connor looked more crushed than I

had ever seen him before; I knew he was

done, too. I found Vivienne and told her

I was leaving. Her flight headed out later

in the evening, so we hugged and I

promised to call her. She once again

refused another dinner with us. Not

wanting to deal with anymore friction, I

put on my coat and kissed the last guest

good-bye. Connor walked with me to the

lot and opened the door without a word.

I waited for him to look at me before I

got in. He wouldn’t, though; he looked

everywhere else but at me.

With two leather gloved hands, I

held his face gently and turned it up

towards mine. He looked more like a

child than a grown man. In that moment, I

saw outside of myself and a glimpse of

the bigger picture. I wasn’t the only one

being confronted with my mistakes. The

weight of the world was crashing down

on his shoulders while he tried to make

some shelter over mine.

This karmic collision course was

not an accident. The urgency in my soul

started to press forth, feeling physically

uncomfortable in my skin; the only thing

that would sooth it was forgiveness. I

reached out and pulled him close,

refusing to let go first. He clung back,

saturating my neck in warm tears, as I

soaked his chest in mine. An eternity

passed before we broke the embrace.

Two wet, reddened faces greeted each

other while wiping snot away from our

noses.

With a laugh, I managed to sob out,

“Why does crying have to be so ugly?”

As Connor started to walk around

to his door, I grabbed his arm to pull him

back. Kissing him softly, I could feel the

peace wash over us both. He beamed at

me while helping me up into the seat.

“I’d like to take you somewhere,

Violet…somewhere special. Can I do

that? You have to stay an extra day, but it

would mean a lot to me.”

Not really having a reason to

decline, I simply nodded my head.

“I would like to go somewhere

special.”

Putting the Jeep into gear and

backing up slowly, he rested his hand on

my thigh with a grin.

“We need to pack then; we will

leave in the morning. It’s quite a drive

and I want to take my time getting there.”

Chapter 25 -

Shooting Stars

“Get up, Vy. We need to go now;

it’s a long drive.” Connor gently shook

my shoulders, attempting to rouse me

from the comatose state I was drifting

through. Sleepily rubbing my eyes and

pulling my boots on, I stumbled to the

door and down the steps, grabbing a

fleece blanket off the sofa along the way.

I wasn’t ready to wake up, and he was

driving. He helped me tilt the seat into a

reclined position and loaded the rest of

our things in the back. We were just

passing through the small town of

Penrose when the sun had enough of my

slumber.

“Morning, gorgeous. Good timing; I

need to get gas. We’re going to stop in

Canyon City – are you hungry?”

Stretching and yawning like a cat in a