dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (36 page)

It was the hardest for me to accept—that I was meant to meet him. “If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t have been able to talk to Mason. You started a tidal wave in me that picked up all the truths around me and showed me how to line them all up. I mean what this mural says. In so many words—without you all the answers in the world don’t make sense. All the questions—all the answers—none of them make me feel alive like you do. I can find out as much as possible about myself, but without you there with me, telling me how awesome I am,” I said with a smile that brought a laugh from him. “Without that, it all seems pointless.”

“That’s how it felt for me the last few weeks, Breck. Pointless. I would get excited about something that I did or made—or something funny that happened. I’d want to call you or text you about it. But I didn’t, and without saying them to you, they just didn’t seem as real or as important. It isn’t that I feel like my life sucks without you—it’s just you make it fuller. You get me Brecken,” he said as he leaned his chin down and rested it atop my head.

“I do get you Blake. I do,” I said as I wrapped my arms around him and held him close.

We stood that way for several breaths before Mason cleared his throat behind Blake.

Blake lifted his head and looked over his shoulder at Mason. “Have you been standing there this whole time?” he asked with a laugh.

“No, I’m not that interested in the two of you getting back together that I eavesdropped on your conversation,” Mason said as he walked nearer to us.

“Thank you for this, man,” Blake said as he put his arm around my shoulder and drew me to his side.

“Not a problem. I needed to do something after ruining things for the two of you,” Mason said.

“You didn’t ruin anything. We were just apart for a couple months. If anything I think you brought us closer together,” I said.

“She’s right. I found a lot out about myself by all my drinking these last few weeks. I found out that I am not fun to be around when I’m depressed and according to Petra, I apparently look weird when serious,” Blake said.

“Oh, so your seriously sincere look didn’t go over well?” I asked.

“No, not at all,” Blake said. “You know, I have to ask. What did my dad say about the elephant?”

I laughed. “Well he wasn’t all about it at first, but then it grew on him when Mason showed him the drawing.”

“So are you sure about this?” I asked Brecken as we stood outside the door.

“Of course I’m sure. I’ve never been surer about anything,” she said.

“Seriously?” I asked with a raised eyebrow, and lifted our hands together—eyeing our rings.

“Well yeah, there was no question about these,” she said as she looked at our rings along with me.

“But this I had to think about for a while. I didn’t know if I could give up the reins, you know. But I trust Mason,” she said.

“Yes, she trusts me,” Mason said as he twirled his drumsticks and walked onto the stage at the Böhme.

“I’m excited to hear you live. I mean, I know I’ve been to your practices along with all the other girlfriends,” I said as I ran my hands down her arms and let a smart ass smile form on my face. “But it’s different to see all of you on an actual stage.”

“I’m excited for you to hear it,” she said as she rested her head against my shoulder. “We have a special song just for you.”

“Oh shit, now I’m nervous,” I said.

“No need to be nervous, baby cakes. There’s no way I wouldn’t give you the best,” she said with a smile as she lifted her head and stood on her toes to kiss my chin.

“Okay, it’s time Auntie,” Conall said.

I leaned down and kissed Brecken. Our kisses had become normal now. They weren’t magical every time, but they felt like more, because they were mine and hers. There was no more running or chasing; we were home to each other.

__________

I was scared shitless a couple months ago when I dropped the bomb that I wanted to marry her. I didn’t know how she’d take it. She had always been independent and focused on doing her own thing. But I knew without a doubt she was supposed to be Brecken  Lawson. I didn’t realize how much I loved the sound of it when I heard her grandfather say it that day Mason revealed his secret. I hated that night and the months that followed. 

But without that night, I wonder if we’d know how much we truly meant to each other. Sometimes you need the messy to happen in order to understand just how deeply you care. If we were never met with challenges, we’d never know what we were capable of together.

I went to her apartment, and waited outside her door for her to return from work. We had spoken of moving in together, but never made the step. I was here enough; I could say I lived with her. I heard her coming up the stairs before I saw her—she hummed an Elton John song and I knew she was thinking of her father.

When she reached the top of the stairs I stood from the floor and simply put my grandmother’s ring in her hand, just as I had done my coin ring.

She looked at it and then up at me and her smile grew.

“Right now,” she said.

I only nodded and said, “Okay.”

Then we raced down the stairs until we reached her car.

She turned and waited at the passenger side for me to open the door for her.

“Really? You’re going to let me drive your car?” I asked with surprise.

“Yep. If we’re going to do this, you’re not going to half-ass it. You know how I feel about that. We are going to be equal in all things, and if that’s the case, then you need to drive my car sometimes too, because it’s now going to be ours. Plus I need to see if you can handle her. If you can’t I may just have to kick you out at the next stoplight.”

__________

Brecken let go of me, bringing my thoughts back to now. She walked into the open room of the Böhme toward the stage. I followed after her and noticed Mason’s painting hanging behind them. He wasn’t painting buildings anymore. Karl had set him up with a rather large canvas instead.

They now had the canvas draped behind the stage and planned to use it as their backdrop for shows. They hadn’t picked out a name yet, but the painting suited them.

It was filled with many faces looking up to the sky. The sky was the same sky Mason used in many of his paintings. It was a setting sun, but the people had more joy in their faces now as they looked at it. It was as if he lightened in his paintings since he had met his biological mother.

In the sky of the painting though, he made a point to put the circled hands that I came to represent Brecken and me. We were that circle.

__________

“You know I can drive a car right?” I asked. “I mean, you’ve ridden with me in my Jeep several times.”

“Oh, I know you can drive your Jeep, but driving this car is different. It’s an extension of me. I trust you with my car as much as I trust you with my heart,” she said as she leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. “I love you, Blake.”

It was one of the few times she had said it since the night we first exchanged the words. We didn’t need to share them all the time as neither of us felt the need—we just knew.

__________

Brecken took the stage and with a smile she looked right at me as I walked farther into the room.

“This song here is for my hubster. I’m nervous as all hell and I’m going to sing for you all, but especially for him. It’s the song we danced to at our wedding party. I can’t sing it as well as Van Morrison, I’m sure. But I’m going to try. I love you Blakey,” she said as she turned to Conall to start in on the song.

__________

We walked from the courthouse and smiled at each other like little kids. That’s how I felt with her. It was like every happy, joyful moment in my life was wrapped up in Brecken’s smile.

“We did it,” I said.

“Yes, we did,” she said as she turned to me and jumped up into my arms. She still wore her shorts and tee shirt that she had worn to work that day. It was, of course, a random cartoon character. Her hair was in pigtails and she looked as she had the night I met her.

We made our way to Henley’s and Gabe had everyone there, waiting for us.

When we walked in, Brecken couldn’t believe it.

“How did you know I’d say yes?” she asked.

“There was no other answer for us,” I said, leaning down and kissing the top of her head before she danced into the room and everyone cheered.

Brecken and I had never danced together before and I must say, it was an awesome experience. As Wynn would say—it was epic.

Brecken was beautiful and she even let me take the lead a dance or two. But when it came to the song that I chose to dance our dance to, that was all me. I took the lead—until she took over halfway through the song.

__________

Irish Heartbeat
—the perfect song for us and hearing her sing it now made me feel like a sappy groupie. I wasn’t going to throw my boxers at her though. That’d just be weird.

As I watched her sing what has become our song, I still felt the longing to hold her but it was more patient now. It wasn’t an unquenchable need. I just loved her and I loved us.

Neither of us was afraid of failure anymore because we learned that whatever happens—we are in it together.

In all honesty, failure will happen. There is no way around it. No one can win at everything. No one can avoid mistakes no matter how hard they try or how hard they build themselves up to conquer life. Life and love cannot be conquered or won. It can only be experienced. In relationships—no person is better than the other. It shouldn’t be that way.

As long as both know that they are trying their best and they love each other, that’s what matters. That’s what is important.

I learned that with Brecken. We both learned that. When we are in the circle of our life together, you never know who is leading or who is following. You never know who is chasing or who is running—because we are always moving together, round and round the circle, and there are no end points—we just are.

“It’s okay to be afraid, Maggie,” my mother said as she sat next to me in the waiting room. “You don’t have to be this quiet about it. Say something. Please?” she asked. She wanted me to say something for her benefit, but right now, I was speechless.

Everything in my life that I once had planned was now floating above me. It was as if all my hopes and dreams had sat on a shelf that was my life. That shelf was now knocked from the wall and all its possessions fell into the air. But they never fell to the ground, they just hovered—just out of reach and waiting for me to find them again.

“I can’t say anything right now, Mom,” I said, grabbing my purse from under my chair. I swear I searched through that purse thirty times already. I needed to read mindless news based on celebrities and movies to ease this fear that grew.

“Honey, it’s going to be okay. It’s just a little MRI; then we will get some answers and we can move forward,” she said to reassure herself more than me.

I saw her own fear trace across her face. I knew it was harder to be in her position than in mine. I was in that position for years with Hannah. When someone you love is in pain or hurting or unwell, it is a horrible place to be—just watching as they slowly melt into it.

“Hey don’t listen to your mother,” my dad said next to me. “You know it’s going to suck, but that’s okay. I know you—you’ll take it with a smile.”

“Thanks Dad. You sure know how to ease my mind,” I said as I finally found my phone buried in the bottom of the pocket in my purse.

“I’m serious Maggie,” he said as I heard the tears in his voice. “I know you will get through whatever this is and you will do it with humor. That’s just how you are and I think that’s what hurts the most. You’re so damned strong.”

“Come on guys. This is just a thing to go through. You know—stuff happens. We’ll all get through it. Talk to me about something other than this, please. For the love of god talk to me about something else,” I said.

“Well, I saw that new alien movie. That was pretty cool,” my dad said.

“Okay, that doesn’t help. Something else,” I said as I leaned my head back against the wall and looked to the ceiling. On a sigh I lowered my head and saw Gabe’s friend Karl. He was carrying flowers and when he saw me, he smiled.

“Hi,” he said as he nodded at me with a concerned expression.

“Hello,” I said and I wanted to cry. I don’t know why seeing him look at me that way made everything come crashing into reality.

The items on my life shelf were falling to the floor and there was nothing I could do about it.

After I wrote
penance.
and put it out there for the world, I was scared shitless. I wrote a book to share with people and some people loved it, some people hated it. But there was one person in particular, that I didn’t know, who chose to send me an email. I can’t thank the universe enough for putting the bug in her ear to read my book and to then send me an email. When I read it, I cried. Yes I cried. I told my husband, “I do that! I send emails to authors who wrote books I loved.”