dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (31 page)

We sat quietly as we pushed the marshmallows right into the flame and watched them go up in smoke. I laughed as I pulled the flaming ball from the fire. I let it burn for a few seconds before blowing out the marshmallow.

I tilted my head at Mason and lifted my brow. “Perfect.”

We put our s’mores together and I watched Mason quietly eat his. “So Mason, you haven’t told me much about your family. What are they like?” I asked.

His ears began to turn pink at my question and his jaw clenched a couple of times before he took a deep breath, then let his jaw relax, turning to me with a smile. “I have three little sisters.” He laughed.

“Three?” I exclaimed. “That had to have been fun growing up.”

“Yeah, it was. They’re crazy,” he said with a smile that showed how much he cared about them.

“What are their ages?” I asked.

“Sixteen, twelve, and nine—and they are every bit of their ages too. It was nice to get away from all that estrogen, but I do miss them,” he said.

“Do you talk to them?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, I talk to them and my parents almost every day. I was just the black sheep. Everyone knew it, but they’re all cool about it. My parents are pretty conservative, but they’re also understanding of the world around them. They knew I needed to head out when I turned eighteen so they didn’t hold me back,” he said with pride.

“That’s great. So your parents sound pretty cool then,” I said before taking a bite.

“Yeah. I was raised going to church, but they aren’t pretentious about it. They focus on the loving their brother part of their beliefs. They don’t judge. They didn’t even mind when I told them I didn’t believe. They just told me it was my decision,” he said with a smile.

“That’s awesome Mason. My father was raised Catholic and some of it boiled over to us, but for the most part my mom was into old world stuff. That seemed to resonate the most with me,” I said with a shrug.

“What about your dad—his beliefs didn’t?” he asked.

“Oh, my dad was Irish Catholic. But he didn’t practice either,” I said. “He died when I was young. But the eleven years I had with him were amazing. But enough of family, let’s talk music,” I said, turning to face him.

“Blake said he will pick you up just before lunch. I’m excited to do this by the way. I need to do something different. I’m enjoying putting my creative cap on and writing music,” I said on a laugh. “I’m itching to get shit done.”

I looked across the fire and saw Blake walking toward us. He wore his usual smile, but in his eyes I saw hesitancy for a moment. Then his smile grew to its normal lightness as he lightly tapped the side of my thigh to get me to scoot over and give him room.

“Where’s mine?” he asked, pointing at me as I took the last bite.

I smiled and felt graham cracker crumbs fall out of my mouth. “Over there,” I said indistinctly around the cracker and pointed at the table.

He lifted his hand to the back of my neck and gave a gentle squeeze and pulled me toward him to kiss my cheek.

“You’re so fucking awesome,” he whispered in my ear before grabbing a marshmallow and taking his seat.

“I know,” I said on a wink.

Blake leaned forward and looked at Mason. “What’re you guys talking about?” he asked with a weighted smile that reminded me of Mason’s smile earlier.

“Nothing, just about getting together
tomorrow
to work on music,” Mason said with a cautious expression.

“Yes, it’s going to be so fun. I can’t fucking wait,” I said as Blake focused on his s’mores and I kissed the side of his cheek, right near his ear.

It was becoming my favorite place to kiss on him. The feel of his fluffy whiskers pressed against my lips made me want to hold him near me, despite the other guests of the party.

“You’re so fun to be around, Blake,” I said as I ran my nose across his ear. “I’m not usually this touchy feely, but you’re just too damn cute.”

He laughed, but his smile seemed off.

“I’m sorry, is the P.D.A too much?” I asked as I climbed into his lap. Yes I was going to sit on his fucking lap and embarrass him if I had to.

He handed his fire fork to Mason. Blake put his hands on my waist before sliding them to my back and pulling me tight to him in a hug, resting his forehead on my shoulder. “I would never be bothered by that Brecken. It lets everyone else know that you and I are together. I like that,” he said before lifting his head and looking at me.

“That’s sweet Blake. But we’re not
together
are we?” I asked.

“Of course we are—there’s no other explanation for it. The millisecond I saw you, I knew,” Blake said. “Why don’t we head out now?”

“Already? We just got here an hour ago,” I said.

“Yeah, I’m ready to just go home with you,” he said with a genuine smile that I was happy to see return. I don’t know what had him off tonight, but seeing that smile back helped ease my mind.

“Well, let’s go then,” I said before I kissed his nose.

Mason cleared his throat next to us. “I’m going to get a ride with Pike.”

Blake looked at Mason with a stare that made me wonder if the two of them were fighting. “If you think so, man,” Blake said.

“Yes, I think it’s for the best,” Mason said as he gave me a nod before standing to walk away.

_______________

After our exit from the party, we found ourselves riding in a silent vehicle once more. I didn’t know what to say to Blake, so I resolved to just watching him.

He looked at me from the corner of his eye and a smile formed on his face. He set his hand on the seat between us, palm up and waited for me to take it. That’s how Blake had been with me in everything our month together—he made himself available for me to accept when ready.

I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed along his knuckles before slowly setting our hands in my lap. I ran my fingers along his wrist and watched the hairs along his arm prick up at the chill I caused.

“Have you had a good birthday?” I asked without taking my eyes from his arm. I traced my finger up his forearm before dancing it across the inside part of his elbow.

He tensed for a moment, and then nodded out a grunt of affirmation. He cleared his throat. “Yes, you can say that. It definitely started off well and I’m looking forward to ending it well.”

“I’m sure you are,” I said with a smile, before returning his hand to my lips and pulling his thumb into my mouth gently and giving it a slight bite.

“You and your biting,” he said. “Such a violent woman.”

“Yes, me and my biting. I only bite you because I care and because I feel some pretty intense emotions with you. If I didn’t like you, there’s no way in hell I’d let anything of yours near my mouth,” I said on a laugh.

“Well, I think we’ve cleared that up already. I doubt if you had an eight year dry spell you’d go around biting guys you didn’t like.”

“True,” I said as I leaned closer to him and kissed his ear. I bit his earlobe gently before tracing kisses down his neck.

“And you’ve now managed to make the drive home physically uncomfortable for me,” he said as he pulled our hands into his lap.

“Without sounding like a needy chick, can I ask you something?” I asked.

“Of course,” Blake said as he ran his thumb across the back of my hand.

“Why are you with me? I mean that in the most honest way too. I’m not asking about looks or talents. But what is it that made you want to be with me right here and now?” I asked.

He sat quietly for a few breaths before he finally spoke.

“Well, when I saw you, I just knew there was something different even though I couldn’t pinpoint one thing. I think that’s what it is about you. I can’t define it. I can’t define us. I just knew when I saw you sitting at that bar playing with your water bottle that I had to talk to you. I don’t think it was love at first sight or anything. But there’s definitely this homelike feeling with you. You kind of remind me of Christmas morning,” he said on a laugh.

“I remind you of Christmas morning?” I asked.

“Yeah. Think of the excitement and anticipation you felt as a kid. You wake up in the morning; you’re still lying in bed. You open your eyes and it’s pretty cold in the house because you know there’s snow on the ground. You climb from bed and even though it’s cold you are all warm from the adrenaline and excitement at the anticipation of finding your presents under the tree. That first waking up excitement is the same feeling I get in my chest every time I know I’m going to see you or every time I’m with you,” Blake said as he lowered his eyes briefly and shifted in his seat. I’d never seen him so embarrassed.

“It’s stupid. I know. But that’s the best I can do at answering a question like that when you have me all excited and ready to hump your leg,” he said with a laugh.

He needed to add a joke to the conversation because it was too personal. Too deep. Too much openness. I wanted to tell him I felt the same way and that I wanted to spend every moment with him. I wanted to tell him so much.

“I think I’m falling in love with you Blake,” I said, instead of all the things running through my mind.

He closed his eyes briefly on a deep breath, and then lifted my hand to his lips.

As he returned our hands to his lap he turned to me with the Blake smile I’d come to expect and cherish. “I have no response to that,” he said with a laugh and I pulled my hand from him and lightly punched him in the arm.

“Asshole,” I said.

He laughed again. “Just kidding, Brecken,” he said. “I feel the same way. It’s not every girl I can say that shit too and only get a punch from. You don’t get all emotional over the stupid shit. I like that about you. I
love
that about you. There’s a lot I love about you.”

The writer’s shoulders hung in sorrow as the paint went to the wall. His breathing was a reminder that this was still to be done, even if it was difficult to do. He couldn’t give up now. The paintings must be completed.

The painting was of a boy in a field, his hands tracing across the tops of the flowers that surrounded him.

Did you ever love me?

We drove the rest of the way to my apartment in silence. I wanted to cherish these moments with her because I knew after she found out the truth, she would be pissed at me or she would be pissed at Mason or both of us. I didn’t want any of that. I wanted to hold on to this moment and just run with it.

I knew I had to break my promise to one of them. I was already breaking my promise of being honest with Brecken. Would she take the time frame into account? Would it matter if I didn’t know that long?

“What’s wrong with you?” Brecken asked.

Shit. I’d responded to this question several times with a lie. Could I do it again?

“Come tomorrow there might be something that will change things for you. I’m just worried how you’ll take it and if I’ll piss you off,” I said. Evasive—that works.

She laughed. “Cryptic much? You don’t have a venereal disease do you? A pregnant one night stand floating around?” she asked.

“No, none of those. At least I don’t think I do,” I said with a raise of my eyebrow and a smile. Then I saw her face drop and felt helpless.

I lifted my hand to her face and ran my thumb across her cheek. “No Brecken. I don’t have a pregnant ex-anything or a disease.”

“Then what is it?” she asked. “What happens tomorrow?”

“Mason has something to tell you tomorrow. I can’t be the one to do it. That’s as much as I can tell you now and I hope you respect that,” I said as I tightened my grip on her hand.

“Okay, again–cryptic,” she said as she toyed with my wrist. The way she traced her finger along the sensitive part just below my palm was amazing. I never knew a fucking touch to my wrist could be so erotic.

I laughed.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“Oh I was just thinking about how hot it is when you run your finger across my wrist. I realized how lame and unmanly I sounded in my own thoughts—thinking about that,” I said.

“Your thoughts seem to make you laugh a lot,” she said.

“Of course they do. I’m the funniest person I know,” I said with a wink.

“And the cockiest. But that is an endearing quality of yours. I can tell that no matter how often you say things like that you are still equally compassionate and caring. You have a good balance,” Brecken said.

“I’ll show you a good balance when we get back to my place,” I said.

“Why don’t we go to my place?” she asked.

“That’s fine too,” I said with a genuine smile. I didn’t care where we went as long as we were together.

_______________

We raced each other up the stairs to her apartment. I couldn’t control myself with Brecken. I wanted to touch every part of her. Last night was fucking amazing and I knew every time
would
be with her. I stood close behind her as she unlocked her apartment door.

“So what do you want to do when we get inside?” I asked as I leaned over her. “You’re taking a hell of a long time to open your door by the way.”