Dissident (24 page)

“Why not?”

“Jack, we can’t take that step. Not yet.”

“We love each other. We want to be with each other. And I maybe get a few hours with you a day. It bothers me that I don’t get more. I don’t see the harm in you spending the rest of your summer here.”

“I can’t give you that right now. I’m not ready.”

“Does this have anything to do with your roommate?”

Maybe she could sidestep. “We have to maintain some decorum. You and I both do.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Of course he would notice. “I suppose I have incentive to behave with a little more politesse when my best friend is making comments about my sinful behavior.”

“Does she really do that?”

“I might be exaggerating a shade but it’s not like she hasn’t figured out what we’ve been doing.”

“You’re thirty-six years old, Caroline. You can have sex any time you want without anyone judging you, least of all your friends.”

She tousled his hair. “Even if it’s with a man who’s far too old for me?”

“I’m only eleven years older than you. That’s hardly May-December.” Jack nuzzled Caroline’s neck again. “Maybe more Rich Uncle Sugar. Who is more than willing to buy you all sorts of luxurious gifts and guide you in the ways of love.”

She moaned as he nipped at her earlobe. “You iniquitous man.”

He pulled his head up for a moment. “Nice vocabulary, sweetheart. Is that how you were able to skip a grade and graduate early?”

She grinned raffishly. “You should hear all the synonyms for sexual intercourse that I have cued up in my brain just waiting to come out.”

Jack kissed her nose. “I’d love to hear them. Preferably when we’re naked.”

“I like the sound of that. And cut Chrissy some slack. She’s just a little uptight.”

“Christine is a bit of a killjoy, isn’t she?”

Caroline laughed. “Yes. Yes, she is. But I love her anyway.”

“Whenever I try to thank her for helping you out, she gets very quiet.”

“She doesn’t like talking about it.”

“When did she move in with you?”

“About a month after it happened. She didn’t ask. She just did it. I think she knew I wasn’t going to say anything and she sure as hell wasn’t going to make a big deal over it. She knew I needed her.”

“I like her. Tell her I said that. Christine can say she doesn’t like me but that isn’t going to stop me from being nice to her. I appreciate that she’s protective of you.”

“Do you still think I need protecting, too?”

“I’m quite certain of it. Treasures need to be guarded.”

Caroline laughed again, louder this time. “That compliment needs some major overhaul before it’s even remotely workable.”

“I thought it sounded pretty romantic, actually.” Jack buried his nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. “I love the smell of your shampoo.”

“I’ll let the Pantene people know you approve.” She giggled as he continued to sniff around her head. “Jack, stop. Really.”

He studied her closely, pressing a lock of hair between his fingers. “Definitely more red than brown,” he pronounced.

Caroline smiled. “Is my hair going to turn into a fetish for you?”

“I’m considering it. How much more time do I have with you before you have to leave?”

“Maybe an hour.”

“Then let’s make it count.” Jack leaned in to kiss her deeply.

“What about my pie?” she asked after they took a minute to catch their breath. “I didn’t get any dessert.”

“It’ll be fine.” He kissed her neck as she began to loosen his tie.

“We could go upstairs,” Caroline said in between kisses. “Maybe we should go upstairs.”

“Here is fine.” Jack unbuttoned her blouse and ran a finger under the top of her bra cup. “Lovely.”

She pulled off his tie. “Aren’t the condoms upstairs?”

He produced a condom from his pocket. “I’ve wanted to make love to you in this dining room since I moved in here.”

Caroline playfully swatted him on the chest. He knew she hated that phrase, especially when it involved having sex in unusual places. “You little shit. You planned this.”

“It was in the back of my mind but the pie pushed me over the edge.”

“I want to eat my piece. I’m still hungry.”

“We’ll figure out how to deal with that later.” Jack stuffed the condom back in his pants.

“This table looks awfully uncomfortable.” Caroline squirmed against Jack’s pant leg. “Even if you are ready to go.”

“I like to think of myself as a wayward Boy Scout. Always prepared.” He slid his palm under her blouse and over her stomach and she shivered. “Not on the table,” he murmured. “On the floor, my love.”

Caroline scrambled off his lap, gazing down at the Persian rug. “Is this thing Scotchgarded?”

Jack eased her back down onto the carpet. “It’s fine, sweetheart.” He hiked up her skirt. A predatory look came over his face when he saw her garter belt. “You know what it does to me when you wear this. I think you intended to bring me more than pie from the very beginning.”

Caroline settled back onto the floor, gasping as Jack yanked her underwear down. “I might have taken a few more minutes than usual to reflect upon my wardrobe this morning.”

Jack kissed the inside of her leg above her nylons. “I definitely have to reward you for your thoughtfulness.” He buried his face between her thighs.

It didn’t take long for him to find the right spot. Caroline had her insecurities about the number of women he’d been with, but after only a little over a month he knew her body better than she did. Maybe all that experience had taught him a trick or two. She tried to grab on to something but the rug was too smooth. In desperation, she grasped at the table leg as she felt herself falling into sweet bliss, calling out his name, writhing against him until he pulled his head up with a grin.

“Please tell me this dining room set wasn’t expensive,” Caroline said when she was able to speak again. “I got scratch marks all over it.”

“Fine with me.” Jack grinned. “I’ll think of you every time I sit down to eat.”

He pulled the condom back out of his pocket and unzipped his pants and smoothed it onto his erection, then leaned down to kiss her.

“Now,” Caroline said as he eased her thighs open again.

“What if I want to tease you first?”

“We don’t have time. Jack, please.” She moaned as he rubbed her clit.

“Tell me what you need, baby.” It wasn’t a request but a command.

She hated when he played this game. Or loved it. She wasn’t sure anymore. “I need you,” she panted, hoping she didn’t sound as desperate as she felt. He’d pushed her over the edge again so quickly she hadn’t realized it.

“What else?”

“Just you.” She bit her lip. “Please.”

Jack pressed his mouth to her neck. “I like it when you beg.” He bit her gently, pulling back to look at her. He traced a path around her lips as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “I love you, Caroline,” he whispered.

Caroline cried out as he thrust into her.

“I know,” she murmured, curling her hands up in his hair, pulling him closer as he started to move inside her. “I know.”

Maureen rubbed her eyes as she walked up to the Nurse’s Station.

“Morning, Dr. Savage,” the duty nurse said.

“Morning, Valerie.”

“Rough night?”

“Gonna be a rough day too, I suspect,” Maureen said. She tried to crack a grin and failed. “How are you and the rest of the girls holding up?”

Valerie gave her a watery smile. “We all miss Dr. Livingston.”

Maureen was never all that good at comforting people. “It’s been hard for all of us. I hope you know how much he appreciated the hard work you’ve done over the years.”

“I know,” Valerie said softly. “He was a good man.”

“Indeed he was.” Maureen cleared her throat. “How’s our patient today?”

Valerie gave Maureen a troubled look. “Okay, I guess. I thought I heard her mumbling earlier this morning. Those sedatives might be starting to wear off.”

“I’ll take a look at her,” Maureen said.

“Dr. Savage, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Valerie looked down at her cup of coffee.  “What are they going to do with her? She was - she always seemed like such a nice person. I mean, you can’t tell much from TV and all, but why does the military want her?”

Maureen patted Valerie’s shoulder. The poor woman knew too much. “Don’t worry about it. Just take care of her while she’s here.”

“She was talking about her children,” Valerie whispered. “And her husband.” She wiped her eyes.  “It was hard to see. I wanted to increase her dosage just so I wouldn’t have to hear it. I feel like such a shitty nurse.”

“Don’t feel bad. You were doing your job. She sustained some serious injuries and we’re trying to help her heal. Don’t worry about anything you’ve been doing because you’ve been doing everything right. Understand?”

Valerie took a sip of her coffee and made a face. “Nasty.” She looked at Maureen. “I hope they pick you to replace Dr. Livingston.”

“Don’t hold your breath,” Maureen said. “Be prepared for some changes. I don’t know when but…be ready. Go get some fresh coffee.  Take a break or something. I’ll hang around out here after I check in on Ms. Gerard.”

Valerie smiled as she started to head toward the cafeteria. “Thanks, Doc.”

Caroline

July

Caroline gathered up her papers. Another subcommittee meeting, another wasted few hours. And to top it off, Jack was busy almost the entire afternoon so she wasn’t going to be able to see him until later that evening. She headed toward the door, doing her best not to make eye contact with anyone. That was generally the best way to get out of these things and back to something worthwhile.

Representative Murdock blocked her path and she let out an audible sigh.

“What can I do for you, Jeffrey?”

He smiled at her, his lips curled around his teeth. It made her feel ill. Nothing good ever came after that man showed pleasure in anything. “How are things between you and McIntyre?”

“I fail to see how that’s an appropriate topic for us to discuss,” Caroline said. “If you don’t stop spouting off to him, you’re probably going to earn a black eye for your troubles.”

“A man with a temper, eh?” Murdock asked. “Not my fault he can’t handle the truth. A man of ambition too, from what I can tell.”

“Stop the cryptic bullshit. What do you want?”

Murdock put his arm around her and she pushed away from him. He glowered. “Oh, come on now. Can’t we be friends?”

“No,” Caroline said. “We can’t.”

“I just figured you’d want one more chance to be with a man who knows how to…take care of you properly.”

The words hung heavy in the air. She didn’t want to analyze his double entendres. Especially when they seemed more ominous than romantic. “Jack has that covered, thanks.”

“Does he?” Murdock asked. “Are you his first priority?”

“Stop with the weak attempts at verbal jousting, Jeffrey. Your bucket is dry.”

Murdock pulled a small stack of papers out of a folder. “I just wanted to make sure you knew what you were getting into with him. I’m moving up in the world.”

Caroline assumed that was a reference to his impending gubernatorial campaign. “How nice for you.”

“You could have been along for the ride, if you’d been nicer to me.”

She tried not to retch. “My loss, I guess.”

“Looks as if your boyfriend’s moving up, too.” He shoved the papers into her hands.

It was a printout from a website she didn’t recognize. “What’s this?”

“Take a look for yourself.”

She glanced at the header and her throat went dry. “Where did you get this?”

Murdock gave her a pitying glance. “Oh, for shame. You didn’t know?”

“I-”

He made a clucking noise. “I know it’s an obscure local blog, but I thought you were a bit more perceptive than that.” He laughed at her expression. “You really trusted that player, didn’t you? Looks like loverboy isn’t as straight with you as you thought.”

Caroline steadied herself. “Certainly I knew.” Thankfully her voice wasn’t shaking. She had to find a place where she could be alone. Immediately. “He tells me everything.”

Murdock smirked at her. “You’ve got to learn to lie better, Gerard. Your poker face is for shit.” He laughed again as he slinked past her toward the door. “Have a fantastic day.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline strode into Jack’s office holding the printout of the blog posting in her hand. She’d spent the afternoon trying to process what she read after the committee hearing and had steeled herself for this moment. She pored over every detail of their relationship, every conversation, every sign she’d missed. It was terrible trying to hold her emotions in check when she was slowly dying inside. She wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to confront the truth.

There were hardly any lights on and his staff was gone. Jack was sitting at his desk signing letters, the twilight illuminating his face through the window. 

He looked up and smiled at her. “Hi, baby.”

She threw the papers down on the desk. “We need to talk,” she said.

Jack grabbed it and looked at the header:
McIntyre Eyes Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Race
. He started to say something, but Caroline spoke first.

“Don’t. Don’t waste your breath.”

She had come into his office spitting fire and she wanted to keep it that way. She was terrified that she’d start crying in front of him, and she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction.

“Caroline-”

“How long has this been in the works?”

“Please, just-”

“How long?”

Jack turned his eyes to the wall. “I don’t know, since maybe March or April.”

Caroline stared at her feet. “That was before we started dating.”

“I know.”

“While we were still friends. While we were telling each other everything we could, trying to get to know each other better. While you were trying to convince me to go out with you.” She gave him an anguished look. “You knew already, that night before Easter when you tried to kiss me. When I asked you about Murdock. Didn’t you?”

Jack hung his head. “Yes.”

Caroline covered her eyes. “You fucking bastard. You lied right to my face just so you could get what you wanted. All that mysterious behavior, all those weird questions about my online activities and my involvement in political gossip, it was all because you didn’t want me to find out.”

“Caroline, please let me-”

“Don’t start. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. When were you going to tell me?”

“I-” He cleared his throat, looking down at the article again. “Who gave this to you?”

“How do you know I didn’t track it down myself?”

“Who gave this to you?” he repeated.

Caroline bit her tongue. Because a simpleton like her would have never found it on her own. She hated when he was right. “I had that subcommittee meeting this morning. Who do you think?”

Jack rubbed his forehead. “Shit.”

“That was my general feeling,” Caroline said. “I assure you he made the moment appropriately embarrassing for me.”

“Caroline, I-”

“I cannot believe you,” she interrupted, grateful that her temper appeared to be winning out over her despair. “I had to find this out from fucking Murdock. He looked like the goddamn Cheshire Cat when he handed it to me. I’m surprised he didn’t start doing a happy dance in the middle of the committee room. He could smell my defeat from a mile away. Lord knows how many people he’s already told about what an idiot I am.”

Jack shifted in his chair and lifted his head up. “Sweetheart-”

“Don’t call me that!” she shouted. “Don’t use pet names or try to trick me into thinking something that isn’t true or play any of the other mind games you use to manipulate people. You’ve known about this for months – multiple months – and you never told me. Do you know how humiliated I feel right now? How many people know?”

“Caroline, please let me explain.”

“When were you going to tell me?”

“I-” He looked very guilty. “I don’t know.”

“Well, that’s fucking great. Were you going to schedule a press conference and tell me after the fact?”

“Caroline, I wanted to tell you, I just-” 

“You just didn’t. You had every opportunity and you didn’t.”

“Are you going to let me explain myself or not?”

“Fine.” She crossed her arms. “Go ahead.”

Jack rubbed his jaw wearily. “It was an idea when it first started. Then it turned into something else, something more. Like us.”

“Don’t you dare make that comparison,” she spat.

He gave her an exasperated look. “You wanted me to explain and I’m trying to do that, but you won’t let me get a word in edgewise.”

Caroline threw her hands up in the air. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to believe anything you tell me anyway. Go run for governor. That’s what you wanted this entire time, wasn’t it? Grease the wheels, make contacts, win that first election, and move on to that big statewide race when the next opportunity came along.”

“That’s not true.”

“That’s what the blog posting said.”

“Are you going to listen to some random blogger or are you going to listen to me?”

“Depends on which one of you is lying.”

“I’m not lying to you.”

“You’ve been in Congress for less than a year. And now you’re going to screw people over like you always have. You found something better so it’s time to move on. Only this time, I got caught up in it. So, go live your life. You know, the one where you have no cares, no emotional connections, no responsibilities to anyone except yourself. Just do whatever you want to do, steamroll over everybody else and hurt whoever you want to get the power or the money or the influence you crave. That’s what you’ve always done, isn’t it? You’ve always done it, but you tried to convince me that you’d abandoned that part of you. The part of you that has dominated every decision you’ve ever made for your entire life. And I was dumb enough to believe it. But you’re nothing but a selfish asshole, aren’t you?”

Jack’s face was bright red, and Caroline could tell he was furious. She didn’t care.

“Aren’t you?” she cried.

“Do you feel better after getting all of that out? If that’s what you truly think of me then by all means endorse my opponent,” he said. “You’ve got pull. I’m sure you can make a stirring speech about how I’m a millionaire playboy trying to buy my way into the Governor’s Mansion.”

She stepped back as if she’d been slapped. Jack reached his hand toward her. He appeared to be appalled with himself. “Caroline, I-”

She glanced at his outstretched arm, then stared at the floor. “We’re never going to get past that, are we?” she asked quietly. “Never. It keeps coming up. Maybe not all the time but often enough. You can’t get past it. A lot of people in your party can’t get past it. It was a terrible thing to say. I know. And for whatever reason it means you can’t be honest with me.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.” Jack sounded imploring, desperate. “Caroline, please listen to me.”

“I don’t want to hear it. I was warned not to trust you. People told me abysmal things about you and I didn’t believe them, because that was nothing like the man I thought I’d met.” Her voice was shaking. “I told them all, you don’t know him like I do. He’s a good person. He’s not what you think he is. But they were right, weren’t they? They all had you pegged and you went ahead and played me for a fool.”

“That’s not the way it was and you know it.”

“You used me. You thought you could dick around with the grieving widow for a few months while you played Congressman until you could make the leap to greener pastures and toss me aside. That’s what you do. Right, Jack? Use women?”

“Sweetheart, please. Let’s talk about this. Let’s figure this out. I love you.”

Hearing those words had never hurt so much. “Don’t lie to me!” she yelled. “You don’t love me. You don’t love anyone but yourself and your precious ambition. I let you in. I trusted you. I trusted you with things I’ve never told anyone, and you were lying to me the entire time. What was it, some sort of revenge? I tried to fuck you during the campaign so you decided to fuck me?”

Jack ran his hands through his hair. “Jesus Christ, Caroline. You are out of control. Calm down and think logically.”

She was practically screaming. “Don’t tell me what to think!”

“Get ahold of yourself. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. We can make this work. You need to listen to me.”

“I’m through listening. You’ve been holding on to this information every day for months, and you never breathed a word of it to me. That’s not what you do in a relationship. I don’t know what you think you feel for me but it’s definitely not love.” Caroline sniffled, trying to hold onto whatever tiny bit of dignity she had left. “This isn’t going to work.”

She could almost see the breath catch in Jack’s throat. If she didn’t know any better, she would have thought he cared. She’d clearly caught him off guard.

“What are you saying?” he asked. “Are you ending this?”

“There is no ‘this.’ It never started, Jack. Not really.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“It was just sex.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “That’s all it was.”

“Caroline, you know that isn’t true. We have a connection. We belong together.”

“Bullshit. No, we don’t. We had some fun in the sack. That’s all.”

“We have much more than that,” Jack said. “Please stop acting this way.”

Caroline pointed an accusing finger at him. “What you call a ‘connection’ wasn’t anything more than what you usually did with women, right? Maybe you should go find an agreeable young blond Republican bimbo to help you get your jollies on the campaign trail. They’re still lining up to date you. Pick one of those staffers who’ve been sniffing around you. Fucking the next Governor of Pennsylvania will be quite an accomplishment for them. You can get yourself a nice trophy wife if you play your cards right. I’m sure any of them would be happy to keep your bed warm after a long day at work.”