Disclosures - SF4 (40 page)

Lost in these thoughts, she realized with startling clarity why she felt threatened by Sara. It wasn’t just that Ryan had allowed herself to be kissed. Jamie really did understand how that had happened, and she had to agree that it was sometimes surprisingly easy for your emotions to carry your body away. No, the kiss was not the issue. She knew that one kiss would never have a serious, lasting, negative impact on what she and Ryan had built together.

It was not the physical intimacy that Ryan had shared. Rather, it was the emotional intimacy that these women had experienced—an intimacy that, in some ways, she and Ryan would never share. The Ryan she knew would always have a hard, protective shell over some part of her soul. Jamie was actually glad that she had it because it served to protect her fragile psyche. But Sara knew Ryan before that shell had been so carefully erected. She knew the young Ryan who was just coming to grips with the recent death of her mother; she shared the experience of Michael’s illness and death. She had, in essence, been a member of Ryan’s family during those tumultuous years, and Jamie recognized that there were feelings shared between the two that she could never hope to understand or experience.

This, to her, was the threat. This woman, who was such an important part of Ryan’s life, had, in essence, risen from the dead. Ryan had resigned herself to the fact that Sara was lost to her, but here she was, seemingly being forgiven for her betrayal. Jamie’s mind reeled at the thought that Ryan would want to welcome her back into her life. She had no idea what such a development would portend, but she did not feel able to prevent Ryan from pursuing it. She knew her partner had a very difficult time when she felt she was being dictated to, and Jamie had early on resolved never to do so. Her mind scrambled around the issue—trying to come up with a way to allow Ryan her autonomy, while preventing Sara from invading their nascent relationship.

She was unsure how long she had been mulling the issue over when a warm presence at her side indicated that Ryan’s workday was complete. She looked into quizzical blue eyes, and smiled at the open gaze that greeted her. "You finished, Babe?"

"Yeah. Um…do you want to go home, or do you like snoozing on this mat?"

Jamie snapped back into the realization that she was lying prone on the thin mat, and that she had likely been in just this position for quite a while. A slight flush climbed her cheeks as she offered a thin cover for her actions. "I didn’t follow my morning routine today."

Ryan recognized the excuse for what it was, but gamely played along. "We don’t run tomorrow, Love, so you can relax and let the day approach more gently."

"It’s a deal," she agreed, getting to her knees and then her feet with the assistance of Ryan’s extended hand.

"Home?" Ryan asked, cocking her head slightly.

"Definitely." Jamie desperately needed a warm shower and a long nap before dinner, and she thought there was a good chance that she could convince her partner to join her for both.

A long, hot shower was the first order of business. When the water was at the correct temperature they entered the enclosure and stood rather awkwardly for a few moments. Ryan poured some shower gel into her hands and held them up in front of her partner. "Wash your back?" she asked with just a touch of hesitation in her voice.

The smaller woman leaned forward and kissed the taut skin that stretched against Ryan’s breastbone. "You don’t need permission, Love. That would be nice."

She turned to face the water and soon Jamie felt the stress in her body begin to melt away under Ryan’s firm touch. The large, smooth hands glided over her skin on a layer of lavender-scented bubbles as Ryan massaged each weary muscle.

The gentle rubbing continued until Jamie feared her legs would give way. She leaned back against Ryan, letting her partner's solid form hold her upright. Now the touch became even gentler and lighter as it moved to the front of her body. Ryan’s pace never wavered, her hands moving the entire time. They caressed every inch of skin until Jamie’s entire body tingled with desire. She slowly turned in her lover’s embrace and slipped her arms around her neck, the soap allowing their bodies to slide against each other sensually. A soft moan escaped her lips as Ryan bent to cover her mouth with a wet kiss. Within seconds they were wrapped around each other in a fervid embrace, their bodies grinding against each other as their shared passion grew. The thrumming water had rinsed them clean and Ryan reached blindly for the control, shutting it off roughly while supporting much of Jamie’s weight. She shook her head sharply, tossing her bangs back as she did so. Without wasting the time to dry off, she bent and lifted Jamie into her arms, smiling down at her partner as she laced her hands behind Ryan’s neck. "Careful, Love," Jamie whispered as the powerful legs stepped over the short lip of the shower stall.

"I’ll always be careful with you," Ryan murmured. "You’re the most precious thing in my life."

The heartfelt words, coupled with the earnest look in Ryan’s eyes, caused Jamie’s heart to soar, and she pushed every worry--every niggling doubt--from her mind and took Ryan at her word. She offered her body to the woman who possessed her soul, knowing in her heart that both would be guarded with the most tender care.

Their lovemaking was the epitome of gentleness this warm summer afternoon. They explored each other’s bodies with a slow thoroughness that seemed brand new, yet terribly familiar to both of them. They caressed each other simultaneously, never ceasing their attentions, until both were gasping for release.

Ryan’s body covered Jamie’s, her weight nearly squeezing the breath from the smaller woman. No matter what efforts Ryan made to slide off, Jamie resisted, holding her tight—desperately needing to feel the solid mass of flesh and bone press into her. Arms and legs wrapped tightly around Ryan, holding her with surprising strength until she looked deep into Jamie’s eyes and whispered, "Don’t worry, Love. I’ll stay right here for as long as you need me."

Sea green eyes fluttered closed, afraid to let Ryan see the consuming need that she felt for her. "I’ll always need you, Ryan. Always."

Ryan’s dark hair trailed across her throat as she nuzzled her face into Jamie’s neck. "I’ll always be here for you, Jamie. I promise you." Her words were clearly enunciated despite her position, the sound humming against Jamie’s skin. The sincerity in her voice, and the simple yet fervent vow reached the wounded part of Jamie’s soul, and she welcomed Ryan back into the place she had been shielding. Her eyes opened wide as Ryan’s head lifted, their eyes locking in an ardent gaze that never faltered as their lovemaking continued long into the afternoon.

Jamie had been trailing her fingers through Ryan’s hair for a while when the dark beauty finally woke. Her head was resting heavily upon Jamie’s hip, but the smaller woman had no desire to evict her. It felt so comforting to have the normally hyper-alert woman lie upon her body in such unguarded vulnerability that she was certain she would never tire of it. Soft eyelashes tickled Jamie’s belly, and she knew her partner was coming into full consciousness. "Did you have a nice nap, Sweetheart?"

"God, yes," she moaned, stretching languidly. "I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be, I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be with, I can’t think of a time I’ve been more physically sated or emotionally fulfilled." She rolled over onto her back and looked up at Jamie. "How about you?"

"I didn’t sleep much," she admitted. "I don’t get many opportunities to hold you like this while you sleep. It was too irresistible to pass up. I do agree with all of your sentiments, though." She smiled down at her lover, her mist green eyes twinkling in the late afternoon light.

"I can’t believe how easily you put me to sleep," Ryan mused. "I cuddle up against that perfect little body, and it’s lights out!"

Looking down at Ryan, Jamie cocked her head slightly and asked, "You've never told me what you like about my body. Will you tell me now?"

Ryan was a little surprised at the question and, deciding to attack head-on, she replied, "I could spend all day singing the praises of your body. But I am curious as to why the question came up."

"Um...I don't know. I was just thinking about the women I know you've been attracted to. None of them look like me, so I was wondering what it was about me that you liked."

"None of them looked like you because no one else is as beautiful as you are," Ryan said sincerely. "The moment I saw you, I knew I had a new favorite type."

"Sure you did, Honey," she said as she patted Ryan's cheek. "That's why the woman you tried to make your girlfriend looked just like Sara."

Ryan sat up in surprise at this comment. She had never thought about it that way, but Sara and Tracy could have been sisters. Actually, from the back, it would have been hard to tell them apart. When she thought about it for a moment, she realized that one of her "types" had always been a tall, lean brunette with delicate features. While Jamie was many wonderful things, she was neither tall, nor lean, nor brunette. Her delightful features were certainly not coarse, and Ryan loved them just as they were, but she had to admit that Jamie didn't have the ethereal delicateness that she often was drawn to.

"I'm happy to talk about this, but I'd like to know what's going on in your head first," she said, refusing to back off without knowing what was on Jamie’s mind.

"I think it’s obvious that I’m feeling a little insecure, Honey," she admitted. "I can't get over how gorgeous Sara is, and when I think about it, Tracy was just as pretty. I know you think I'm attractive, but I also know that I'm nowhere near as pretty as they are."

Ryan pursed her lips and shook her head so roughly that her bangs flew around her forehead. "That's your opinion, Jamie, but it's not mine," she said firmly. "I might not be able to convince you of how attractive I find you, but I refuse to have you tell me who is and who is not pretty. Beauty is entirely subjective, and to my very experienced and rather hypercritical eyes, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

"Thank you, Ryan," she said rather indulgently as a pink flush graced her cheeks. "But you have to admit that they both fit your type more than I do."

Ryan took a breath to frame her answer carefully. "That's true. If I had to choose my mate from a photograph, I would probably choose someone who was tall and thin and had dark hair and fair skin. That is my usual type." A quirky smile curled her mouth and she tilted her head a little as she asked, "Would you be insulted if I used a dog analogy to clarify my point?"

"Ahh, no, I guess not," she said warily, uncertain if she was about to be insulted.

"Okay, we didn’t have a dog when I was young, and in retrospect it was a wise thing because we would have driven the poor thing insane! But ever since I was little, I wanted a basset hound. I don’t know why that particular dog appealed to me so much, but I was absolutely wild about them. If I was running around and saw one on the street, or at the park, the owner had better have had some free time, because I was down on my knees petting that dog until they dragged it away!"

Jamie laughed gently at her partner’s description of her younger self. "When did your opinion change?" she asked.

"It hasn’t," she said firmly. "If I had to pick a dog based on their descriptions in a book, or just from a picture, I would still pick a basset hound. Now, imagine a basset and then compare it to my Duffy Boy," she said in challenge.

Jamie thought about this for a minute and decided that, except for brown eyes, there was no more similarity between those two breeds than there was between her and Ryan. They were the same species, but that’s about the only thing they had in common. "Well, if that’s true, why did you pick Duffy?"

"I didn’t," she explained patiently. "Duffy picked me!"

Jamie smiled at her sweetly, acknowledging Ryan’s often stated claim that Jamie had picked her. "But you love Duffy for lots more than his looks," she reminded her. "It’s not that big of a deal that he’s not what you really want your dog to look like."

"Exactly my point, although you’re entirely wrong about one major element. Duffy
is
what I want my dog to look like. I didn’t take him because I was settling for less, Jamie. I think Duff is the most beautiful dog I’ve ever seen. I absolutely love his coat and his big brown eyes and his big, sturdy body. He’s just perfect! In fact, I’d have to say that he is the dog I would choose over all others—I just didn’t always know it!"

"I think I’m beginning to understand your analogy," Jamie said with a smirk. "Sara and Tracy are basset hounds and I’m a big poodle/lab mix."

"Exactly! You’re my sweet puppy, and I would choose you over a thousand basset hounds!"

"But won’t your tail always wag when you see a really hot looking basset hound walking down the street?" she asked, rather tentatively.

"Well, yeah, probably," Ryan said thoughtfully. "I am just a dog, you know," she added with a smile. "But you’re the only one I want to hump." She spread her legs and climbed on top of her lover’s thigh, simulating a dog in heat for several enthusiastic thrusts.

"Okay, okay," Jamie gasped through her giggles. "I get your point, but I’m just afraid that I’ll be a little jealous every time we see one of those basset hounds."

"Well, this probably won’t ease your mind, but of all of the women I dated in the last few years, the woman you saw me with at the bookstore turned me on more than any of them. And she couldn’t be farther from my type if she tried."