Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (72 page)

An extraordinary variety of D&S equipment and clothing is crafted from leather. Because of shifts in fashion over the years, however, black leather and other fetish gear have lost much of their symbolic meaning.

The wearing of leather has become so thoroughly diffused throughout American fashion culture that a 1992 Neiman-Marcus catalogue offered a high-priced designer version of the biker’s jacket. Perhaps upscale consumers are discovering what D&Sers already know: that it can be exciting—intellectually if not sexually—to wear something that suggests a darker, untamed aspect of one’s psyche.

Whether leather fetishists would have had the fetish had they not first known about leather’s link to kinky sexuality is impossible to ascertain. Like all fetishes, leather fetishism is a
phenomenon
of its age. However the desire was first formed, many D&Sers—male and female—are directly aroused by leather.

For the pleasure-dressing aficionado, however, the wearing of leather may be, if not exactly trite, certainly not wildly original. While it is common to see leather clothing at D&S parties and events, many who dress for pleasure prefer more extraordinary confections. Close behind leather in popularity is rubber or latex. England is particularly known for its active cottage industry in rubber garments. Foreign designers have used rubber to create high-fashion clothing which can pass as evening wear, moving the fetish from the bedroom to the sophisticated soiree.

Lacy, traditionally feminine lingerie, stockings, and heels are also extremely popular (and certainly more affordable than most fetish clothing). Naturally, women are most likely to appear in sexy frills.

Since genderbending is largely an acceptable behavior among D&Sers, many men experiment with women’s finery. While clothes may make the man, frills do not always make a transvestite (nor a fetishist). Some men simply relish the sensuousness of fabrics typically reserved for women.

Since clothing may also be used to express one’s particular sexual fantasies, some people dress to reflect a variety of fetish interests.

Dressing for pleasure is also a way of celebrating and expanding the sensual imagination. Exotic clothing allows one to undergo a conspicuous, albeit ephemeral, change.

Few rules exist in the D&S community about clothing, though an aesthetic sensibility is preferred and appreciated. When dressing for pleasure, the most inelegant element that one can display is a lack of imagination.

As the businessperson dresses for success, the D&Ser dresses for sex. Exotic clothing is, to varying degrees, often part of the extended foreplay of D&S. It permits the wearer to enter fully into his or her particular fantasy and remain there for hours at a time. The submissive woman who wishes to be a shameless wanton for the evening may wear no more than lingerie and high heels at a party and experience the immediate thrill of being the object of admiring attention.

Similarly, clothing can enhance the mystique of power: Dominants frequently feel empowered by the clothing they wear.

Clothing can connote power. Submissives may wear scant or revealing clothing, while dominants seldom display much flesh. Some female dominants like to entice by revealing cleavage and wearing short skirts, and a well-muscled leatherman may make a point of baring his torso, but as a very general rule, the less clothing the dominant wears, the less dominant he or she seems. Dominants, for example, never appear nude at a D&S gathering, whereas a submissive may be fully or partly nude, depending on the circumstances.

Many partners experiment with different looks for different occasions, thus altering their personae according to their erotic moods.

Fetish clothing often exaggerates, exposes (either seductively or in a humiliating way), displays, or restricts.

Restrictive garments particularly appeal to many exotic dressers.

Restrictive garments evoke both the sensation and the image of bondage and D&Sers who enjoy bondage are particularly fond of tight corsets or confining rubber wear. The garments themselves may be sexually exciting.

Clothing is also used to establish the mood and reality of erotic play.

I
NTERVIEWS

Every human being, to a lesser or greater degree, has an interest in [the general area of D&S], but most won’t perceive themselves that way. My own children can’t understand what this is all about. They are very conventional and not at all open-minded toward it, which really surprises me, given that they were exposed to as much as they have been exposed to—open-mindedness and discussion about all kinds of things. I have always been open with them. I never wanted them to find out anything about me from someone else. I’ve always been honest, but I would advise parents not to be: It’s very difficult for a child to accept a parent’s sexuality. No matter what it is.

The most important thing in any [marital] relationship is honesty. Frequently it’s the man who has the fetish. He tells his wife, “I like rubber and I want to wear rubber when we have sex.” And she says, “Uck! You must be nuts!” The man never finds out what his wife is interested in. He doesn’t explore her fantasy. Understanding takes time, and the probing of your fantasies with your mate, and a really sincere interest in finding out what your mate [likes].

I’ve talked to thousands [of people]. Our mailing list at present has 10,000 people. People come to me and ask me to help them open their mates up, and I try my best. Frequently I advise both people to talk to me. I try to help them strengthen their relationship and to share what’s deeply embedded in their psyches. “CRT” is what I usually say: Care, Respect, and Trust are the ingredients that go into a good relationship, whether it’s a straight relationship or a kinky one.