Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (67 page)

Leg Show
magazine originated about 10 years ago in the old tradition of leg-art magazines, which started in the 1950s before they could show much more than leg. Legs were much more popular back then. When I took it over about six years ago, it was a mishmash of leg art and misunderstood foot fetishism.

I started reading the mail, and [it] was phenomenal. People described in detail what they were interested in, like none of the other magazines I’d ever worked for. I’ve been in [the men’s magazine] business 15 years. So I began to hone the magazine along the lines of the readers’ interests. The women are not necessarily nude, but they are almost always in a position of power. It’s very much about power relationships. Generally, the men are submissive, though there are dominant men who also read
Leg Show
, and I do present some women who are submissive for that.

I know that there are a lot of gay foot fetishists. And I have a large transvestite audience for
Leg Show
and a lot of my readers will also accept TV feet. Readers are also interested in buttocks.

I have a deep interest in sexual psychology. I read widely. I know that a fetish is not something we seek; none of us seek to be different. We all want to be normal. We have fetishes because of events in our early childhood. They’re extremely difficult to get rid of once we have them, and for the most part, they are absolutely harmless. They are the ultimate safe sex. If a man has a shoe fetish, who is he hurting? No one. If he feels guilty about it and suppresses it, he’s removing pleasure from his life. If he can come to grips with it and find peace within himself about his fetish, and practices it in a sane way, he will be getting the most pleasure he can out of the situation. I definitely am a proponent of adjustment to the situation and seeking pleasure in it.

I think a desire to be loved is so entwined with sexuality [that] it could not be separated from any sex. We all want to be loved. In most pornography they attempt to completely separate lust and love and present this [as] You go have sex and you go away, and neither one of you cares, but it’s great. I don’t think it’s great if there’s absolutely no love attendant.

Most of my readers are very, very embarrassed about their fetishes, even the simplest fetish. I have developed tremendous sympathy towards my readers. It really has to do with their attitude about their sexual interest.
When the reader feels that his fetish, his interest, his leaning, is despicable, he communicates that to his mate. When he can come to feel that it’s a gift—and indeed, I think a fetish can be a gift—it is a way for an individual to find pleasure that is denied other individuals.

I’m appalled by what our Puritan culture does to people. Our culture first creates all these fetishes by suppressing positive images of sexuality in youth, and then, when the person develops the fetish, which is the natural end result of that, the person is further punished and reviled.

I think the root of paraphilias is sexual repression in youth. In primitive societies the children knew about sexuality. In our society no matter how you’re raised, you experience sexual repression. Even if your home is fairly enlightened, you’re going to experience it in school, among your friends, in every other area of society. And the word is [that] there is no sexuality until we’re 18 years old or no sexuality until we reach puberty. The truth is that we are sexual from the moment of birth. That doesn’t mean that we should be having sex, but we have sexual awareness and it needs to be taken into consideration.

There’s a lot of dispute about why submission and fetishism are so often connected. I feel that a lot of the men despise themselves when they discover that there is something unusual about their sexuality. They feel abnormal from the day they discover it and hate themselves for it. They expect hatred, they expect ill treatment; so if they can completely subjugate themselves to the woman, then maybe they can make up for this bad thing in them and be loved. They can atone for it.

[All this said], I would like to say that I speak in generalities. There are people who read
Leg Show
who just want to see pretty leg art. There’s every possible kind of reader, but there are tendencies for power relationships among people who are fetishists. I think our society as a whole tends towards power relationships. I think we’re a very power oriented, aggressive society, and an aggressive society is going to have power relationships. That doesn’t go only with sexuality: We have power relationships with our platonic friends. It is the nature of our society. I encourage my readers to make peace with their unusual sexuality, because I don’t think they really have a choice. They can either live miserable lives of denial, fighting against it [or] they can find ways to make it work for them and to get the most happiness they can out of it.

I have a bachelor’s degree from New York University in field production. Aside from owning Taurel Enterprises—which supplies talent, wardrobe, and locations—I work as a photographer and journalist. I interview celebrities.
I’ve also produced and directed videos and worked in distribution. I’ve been associate producer for feature films. I have acted in seven [foreign] feature films where I played leading roles.

As for D&S, there is my professional relationship to it and there is my personal relationship to it: Those are two very different things. On a professional level, I work as a dominatrix [and] I have more limits. On the personal level, I enjoy being both dominant and submissive. [Also], on the personal level, I am sexual, which I cannot be on the professional level. It’s against the law and I have to be careful because of the high profile I have now in the media. I have to be very strict about where I stand legally.

I have clients who see me personally and clients who see women who are independent contractors for the company I own. Most [clients] are lawyers. That’s the [most common] characteristic: The definite majority are lawyers. Twenty-five hundred people have come here. Most are fairly trusting, which is an important factor: to be willing to trust another human being. Many of them, of course, are very [nervous] yet trusting. I would say half of them are good manipulators. They come to submit, yet they’re very keen on having a particular kind of person, a particular kind of scene. They’re very picky, and I guess, very dominant, in a sense. I very seldom see couples. The few females who have come here have come to learn what to do to men, not to be dominated themselves. I’ve dominated women on a personal level, but not as clients.

[Personally], I enjoy wearing a latex catsuit, because it fits very tightly all over the body. If I wear leather garments, I like to wear a lower-cut leather jacket. I have to wear things that are good for my figure. I’m busty, so I like to show off my bust, and I like to wear tight-fitted corsets. I have many made by B.R. Creations. I like to wear lace-up corsets and then I like to wear black spandex tights and either high boots or spike-heeled shoes. This is how I feel I look the best. I also have [a mixture of red and black] latex dresses [which are] cut [low] in the front, and I have an assortment of shoes and boots [in] different styles. I like variety.

Let’s say a person first submits to the clothes and to the persona he imagines within these clothes: I feel that as the session progresses, he will feel my personality, the strength of my soul, of my being, of my intellect, and will submit to that. [I] assert my personality over his image of me. The image of the clothes will always be there. It will always fascinate him, but at the same time, as I reveal myself, especially as a real being, I tend to stand away from the clichés of dominance. I tend to avoid having a submissive say, “Yes, Mistress, thank you, Mistress.” I cannot stand those typical phrases. I want different kinds of responses. I look for things to say that are different from the standard; [it must be] something that appeals to me, so I don’t feel that
I’m just a tape recorder repeating certain monotone phrases that were scripted for mistresses.

[It’s] the same when I interview women who come to work for me. I have them improvise. You discover a person’s creativity by how much they go outside of the stereotypes, what they bring in of their own personal style. That’s what makes a mistress—personal style. It’s a signature.

One third of the people who come here would like to cross-dress. They’re basically heterosexual men, though we also have bisexual men who [might] like to cross the line and be a female with a man, but [who are] too afraid to make that step. Most of the men want to be males, but [to] explore their female sides. They want to be a lesbian with a woman. We do not provide fetish garments for cross-dressers here. They have to bring them on their own. Here they usually come for female lingerie or normal female clothing. Sizes are so varied, and they couldn’t afford us dressing them up in fetish clothing. I did some of it in the beginning, but it was not worthwhile. Basically men who bring their own wardrobe bring petticoats or frills and nylons.

One [unusual fantasy] that comes to my mind is a man who wanted to experience childbirth. He wanted to wear a tight female corset, high-heeled shoes, be bound genitally, and have an enema session, which would be prolonged over three hours. It was basically verbal: preparing him with the exercises for giving birth. The water inside his stomach was to blow up his stomach so that he would feel there was a child inside of him and would have to expel this child. He really wanted to feel what the woman goes through to give birth. That stays in my mind.

I think I’m a great mistress if a submissive is inspiring. If the submissive is a blob, is deadpan in front of me, I’ll be a terrible mistress. This is very dangerous and very destructive for a mistress, and that’s why I stopped doing professional dominance to a great extent a few years ago. I had to stop because I was destroying it for myself. There comes a moment when you know what you can do creatively. [But then] you put out that information, that energy, with someone who you feel is totally unreceptive and who doesn’t have the strength within to appreciate your finesse, or your art, or your psychology; [someone] who is looking for something very, very simple and very rudimentary.

You cannot be creative, so you turn to memories of other sessions where you [were] and try to re-create them. You imitate what you have done creatively before, and you give [an] imitation to the uninspiring submissive in front of you. [By] doing that, you are prostituting your art. You diminish yourself.

Personally, I feel very unfulfilled after a session like that. And yet the
person has paid a high fee to come and see you, and you are supposed to [play] the role. Now I own my own company, and I have other people who make money for me. I can see just the people who I can be really creative with. But, for example, the other day someone came to see me, and I was very disappointed. I thought it went very well. I thought that I got him where I wanted him to be. At the end, he said, “All this does for me is take away stress. It’s relaxing.” The way he said that I felt, Gee, you didn’t appreciate any of it? Is that all it did for him? I was so disappointed, I went home that night and just felt horrible. [I do know that] people have a lot of guilt sometimes. It’s painful with someone who feels so guilty about having enjoyed themselves.

Nineteen

W
hat typically is called foot fetishism actually comprises a nearly infinite variety of tastes. Briefly and incompletely to catalogue: foot fetishists may like feet, legs, or buttocks. They may favor specific parts of the foregoing, such as toes, soles, arches, insteps, heels, ankles, calves, knees, or thighs. Or they may be aroused by the absence of limbs: A sexual interest in amputees is clinically identified as
acrotomophilia
.