Diane Warner's Wedding Question & Answer (14 page)

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Authors: Diane Warner

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My fiancé would like to walk his mother down the aisle, instead of having one of his ushers do it. Will this work out?
Of course. In fact, it is common for the groom to do this; then, he walks back down the aisle and hurries out a side door in time to join the officiant and his groomsmen in a side room before the ceremony begins.
We would like to stand facing the congregation during the ceremony, which means that our minister would have to have his back to the guests. Does this work out all right?
Yes, it works out just fine; in fact, it seems the most natural thing to do. That way everyone can see you as you recite your vows, etc.
What is the tradition of the "unity candle" and how can we incorporate it into our ceremony?
There are several versions of the unity candle ceremony, all with equal meaning. The idea is to have three candles: one small candle representing the bride's family, one small candle representing the groom's family, and one larger, taller candle representing the unification of the two families. The two smaller candles may stand on each side of the altar with the larger candle on a taller stand in the center, or all three candles may be on one candle stand. The two smaller candles are usually lit at the beginning of the service, either by the candlelighters or by the mothers or parents of the bride and groom. They then burn throughout the service until the couple is pronounced husband and wife, at which time they each walk to their respective family's candle, and then carry it to the unity candle where they light the larger unity candle at the same time. Then they blow out the
 
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smaller candles, leaving only the large unity candle burning as they return to their places at the front of the altar. This is usually a very touching, sometimes tearful, ceremony as two families and two hearts become one.
 
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Chapter 15
The Reception
What's involved in planning a reception?
A wedding reception is probably the biggest party you and your family will ever plan, and there is a lot involved. Here is a list of the basics:
The rental of the site itself.
The theme for the decorations.
Selection of a host or hostess.
Hiring of a professional staff or recruitment of volunteers.
The food menu.
The beverage menu.
Entertainment and presentations, including the musical selections to be performed or played.
The rental or purchase of equipment.
 
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The signing of the guest book.
The order of the receiving line, if you choose to have one.
The dance order.
The toasts.
The wedding cake.
Seating charts for the bride's table and parents' table.
Favors, if you choose to have them.
The bouquet throw and garter toss.
The order of the reception.
Arrangements for cleanup of the site.
Do you have any ideas for reception sites?
The most common sites are private clubs or halls, your church's social hall or garden, a restaurant, or a hotel ball room. Surprisingly, some of the loveliest wedding reception sites belong to your state, county, or city; make a few phone calls and see what they have available. The rental fees will run from quite reasonable ($500 for four hours), to several thousand dollars, depending on the site and whether you are a resident of that city or county. You'll find that the best public sites are reserved a year or more in advance, so time is of the essence.
As soon as you become engaged, you may want to hold off on setting your wedding date until you determine when your favorite ceremony and reception sites are available. Don't set a date first and then force everything else to fit around it. By the way, if you happen to know of a lovely site for your ceremony and/or reception, but it doesn't have a structure large enough to hold your guests, consider renting a large tent. I know of a couple who were offered the
 
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use of her aunt's and uncle's small beach house; they rented a large tent that extended from the deck out toward the water, which is where the ceremony and reception took place. For another wedding, a tent was erected on the groom's grandparents' farm, right alongside the horses and cows. Tents are portable, remember, and can be erected almost anywhere.
What kind of reception is easiest to plan?
Hands down, the easiest and most hassle-free is a reception held in a hotel or private club that has full catering services, where everything is included in one price.
What percentage of the total cost of the wedding is usually spent on the reception?
The reception is the most expensive cost of all, ranging from 30 to 50 percent of your total expenditures. The two biggest expenses are the food and the band. You can beat the odds, obviously, by having a do-it-yourself ''family potluck" buffet table and using amateur musical talent.
Is it absolutely necessary to have a receiving line? I always hate having to wait through them when I attend a wedding reception. Isn't there a better way?
A receiving line is usually in order for a very formal wedding; otherwise, there are several more relaxed alternatives. One very nice custom is to have the bride and groom, as well as the other members of the wedding party, "float" around the reception, speaking to each cluster of guests. Another custom, rather new but quite enjoyable and comfortable for the guests, is to have the guests remain seated in the church or synagogue until they are personally greeted and dismissed by the bride and groom themselves. This could
 
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be called the "lazy man's receiving line" because the guests remain seated until it's time for their row to stand and file past the bride and groom, hugging, kissing, and wishing them well as they exit their pews.
What is the proper order for a receiving line?
First in line is the bride's mother, then the groom's mother, followed, of course, by the bride and groom. Next is the bride's honored attendant, followed by the bridesmaids. The presence of the fathers in the receiving line is optional, but if one father chooses to stand in the line, the other should do so as well. If they do choose to stand in the receiving line, this would be the order: bride's mother, groom's father, groom's mother, bride's father, bride, groom, bride's honored attendant, and then the bridesmaids.
How reach time should we allow for the receiving line?
Allow 30 to 40 minutes for every 200 guests.
Is there some rule about how elaborate the refreshments have to be for a formal wedding?
There used to be, but I've noticed that these rules have been relaxed and the formality of the reception doesn't necessarily follow the formality of the ceremony. For example, a formal wedding may be followed by very simple refreshments, such as champagne and wedding cake; on the other hand, a very simple ceremony may be followed by an elaborate sit-down dinner. One thing I've found, however, is that there are differences in customs around the country: Wedding breakfasts or sit-down dinners are common in New England; a cocktail party with finger foods in the late afternoon or early evening is a California thing; and dessert buffets are most popular in the South.
 
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Are there rules of etiquette on what time of day each type of reception food is to be served?
Yes, but don't take them too seriously. Here they are:
Breakfast reception:
9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Brunch reception:
11 a.m. to 1 p.m.
Luncheon reception:
Noon to 2 p.m.
Tea reception:
2 p.m. to 5 p.m.
Cocktail reception:
4 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.
Dinner reception:
7 p.m. to 9 p.m.
Are we expected to pay for meals for the musicians, photographer, and videographer?
Yes, you should provide them with something to eat, although nothing as elaborate or expensive as the food you are serving your guests. Usually these contracted workers are provided with a simple hot plate or tray of sandwiches and chips. Work this out with your caterer ahead of time so that there are no misunderstandings.
What are "wedding day diaries"?
They are blank books or single sheets of paper that can later be made into a book that are placed at each reception table for the guests to write in, "waxing eloquent" with their thoughts about the day, their remembrances of their friendships with the bride or groom, and their good wishes for the newlywed couple. The thoughts may be tender and poignant or clever and comedic, but in any case these little books or sheets of paper are gathered up and saved for the couple to read when they get back from their honeymoon.
 
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Aren't there certain circumstances that justify a cash bar at a wedding reception?
No.
Are there certain traditions that must be followed during a wedding reception?
Only the toast to the couple and a wedding cake are required; everything else is optional.
Are we expected to serve wedding cake at a breakfast reception? Won't it seem a bit strange to serve dessert at 9 a.m.?
No, not if the cake is a light one filled and topped with fruits, such as berries, and served with sherbet or whipped cream topping.
I have six aunts who have generously offered to bake and cook all the food for the reception as their wedding gift to us. Although we really appreciate this, we do want the buffet table and the service to appear to be professional. What can we do?
Congratulations on having such generous relatives! Did you know that the reception food is usually the biggest expense of the entire wedding? Now, the trick is to give it a "pricey presentation," so you'll want all this lovely food to be presented in an elegant wayafter all, this isn't just another church potluck, is it? You'll need a long table, or two tables placed end to end that can be "skirted" (with disposable ruffled paper skirting) and covered with the most expensive-looking white damask linen or lace tablecloths you can find. You'll also need a dramatic centerpiece, such as an ice sculpture (do it yourself with an inexpensive mold purchased from your catering supply store), or a large flower
 
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arrangement (borrow one from the ceremony); then, you'll need to cascade the food dishes from the back to the front of the table by elevating them. Stacks of oversized books work well, as do heavy pots turned upside down or even cigar boxes filled with bricks. Just be sure they are all covered with white linen cloths or napkins, creating a white staircase effect, then fill the spaces in between with flowers, ribbons, fresh fruit, or bottles of champagne, beautifully wrapped about their necks with white silk flowers and ribbons. Then place the food dishes on these elevated mounds, mirroring them on the table so that there is one of each dish at each end of the table. By the way, garnish the trays of food as well, adding huge whole strawberries, melon slices, large wedges of fresh pineapple, or fresh flowers.
What is a "marriage cup"?
This is a cup placed at the bride's table that is used, according to old-world tradition, by the bride and groom prior to their first toast. There are two types of marriage cup. The first is called the
Nuremberg Cup,
which is usually silver, made in the shape of a young girl with a large skirt, holding a cup over her head. The bride and groom drink from this cup at the same time. The second type of marriage cup is the
French Cup
, made in the shape of a small bowl on a pedestal. The bride drinks from this cup first, followed, of course, by her groom. Whichever cup is used, tradition says, as the bride and groom drink from it, they plight their troth.
Is it a good idea to have someone on hand to supervise the reception?
Yes. You can have someone serve in an official capacity as a host, hostess, or master of ceremonies, or you may just have someone (a close friend or relative) who has volunteered to see to it that everything runs smoothly, from

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