Diane Warner's Wedding Question & Answer (13 page)

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Authors: Diane Warner

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Page 107
creating an arch for the bride and groom to pass under. The only groomsmen who participate in this ceremony, of course, are those wearing their military uniforms; any civilian groomsmen may stand alongside with their hands at their side during the arching of the weapons. This arch-of-steel ceremony is the main distinction of a military wedding. Then, at the reception, the groom's sword or saber is used to cut the first piece of wedding cake. Both of these delightful customs make for wonderful photo ops!
We definitely want to be married in our family church, which has a large sanctuary that seats more than 800 people. But we only expect to have 200 guests. How can we keep the service intimate and personal?
There are a couple of things you can do. The first is the most important: Block off the back of the church by swagging ribbon, tulle netting, or evergreen garlands across all the pews you won't be using; this will force your guests to sit toward the front of the church. Next, by placing rows of silk ficus trees or live potted plants in front of the pews you don't need, you create the illusion of a small, cozy chapel.
I've been to two weddings in the past year where someone in the wedding party fainted. I don't want this to happen army wedding; what can be done to prevent this?
I can't count the times I've seen this happen! There are some precautions that can be taken, however. The first is to be sure there is plenty of ventilation, even if you need to add floor fans on each side of the wedding party. The next thing is to teach the members of the wedding party how to stand: They should never lock their knees, and they should shift their weight from one foot to the other. The best suggestion of all is to keep smelling salts close by. If, after all of this, someone does start to faint, have the person sit down and put his or her head between his or her knees.
 
Page 108
What are some things we should know before my fiancé and I decide which church we want to be married in?
Whatever you do, don't reserve a church until you know all its rules, some of which may restrict the plans you had for your wedding. Here are some of the questions you should ask:
Is the church available for the day and time you prefer?
What are the restrictions for flowers? Music? Photography? Videography? Candles? Dress? Decorations?
Are you required to be married by one of the church's ministers? Or may you have another minister marry you in that church?
Are you required to pay a fee to the organist, custodian, etc.?
What is the fee for the use of the church? For how many hours?
Are there restrictions on what may be tossed at the bride and groom after the ceremony (such as rice or bird seed)?
Will you be allowed to erect a canopy, use an aisle runner, etc.?
Are there dressing rooms for the bridal party?
Will you and the florist have access to the church in plenty of time before the service in order to decorate?
If you will be required to use their minister, will counseling be required? And are there requirements as to your beliefs and religious backgrounds?
 
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Will you be allowed to write your own vows, if that is what you would like to do? Or will you be required to comply with their traditional wording?
Are you allowed to use your own original readings, or are there religious restrictions?
What ceremony accessories will they provide, such as an aisle runner, candelabra, or chuppah?
Will you be required to use and pay for the services of their wedding coordinator?
Note of advice: Get it all in writing!
Have you ever heard of having two wedding ceremonies? One civil and one religious?
Yes. In fact, this is more common than you would think. The civil ceremony is first, followed by the religious ceremony. If the two ceremonies are several weeks or months apart, the second ceremony is usually more of a re-enactment. For example, the clergyman may say, "Do you
acknowledge
rather than
take
this woman?" Also, during the second ceremony the bride is usually not "given away" by her father and she wouldn't wear symbols of virginity, such as a bridal veil, orange blossoms, or a myrtle wreath. Otherwise, the ceremony and reception may be as elaborate and festive as you would like.
An example of a civil ceremony followed by a religious ceremony is the case of Heather Locklear (star of
Spin City
) who married Richie Sambora (Bon Jovi guitarist). First they were married in a civil ceremony in Sambora's New Jersey home; two days later they married in Paris in a lavish Episcopal wedding at the American Cathedral.
 
Page 110
What is a memorial candle?
A memorial candle is a candle that usually stands off
to the side of the altar area during the ceremony. It is lit in memory of a loved one who has passed away during the year preceding the wedding. It is a very nice tribute that is usually mentioned in the ceremony program, as well.
We're having a Protestant service; can you give me an idea of the timetable leading up to the ceremony?
First of all, if the photographer plans to take formal shots before the ceremony, you and the rest of the wedding party will need to be ready two hours before the ceremony. Following the photo session, this is a typical timetable:
45 minutes before the ceremony: The ushers receive last-minute instructions for seating the guests, locate the ceremony programs, and gather at the doors that lead into the ceremony site.
30 minutes before the ceremony: The organist and/or other musicians begin to play the prelude while the ushers escort guests to their seats.
20 minutes before the ceremony: The groom, best man, and groomsmen meet in a side room with the clergyman, unless all the groomsmen are serving as ushers, in which case they arrive right before the processional begins. The clergyman will ask to see the marriage license at this time, and the best man may deliver the clergyman's fee, if this wasn't taken care of previously.
10 minutes before the ceremony: The parents and grandparents of the groom and the grandparents and mother of the bride assemble in the vestibule, ready to be escorted to their seats by an usher.
 
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5 minutes before the ceremony: The grandparents are escorted to their seats.
4 minutes before the ceremony: The groom's mother is escorted to her seat, followed by the groom's father walking a few feet behind.
3 minutes before the ceremony: The bride's mother is escorted to her seat while the bride, her father, her attendants, and the ring bearer line up in the vestibule in preparation for the processional.
2 minutes before the ceremony: Two of the ushers walk together side by side to the front of the aisle to unroll the aisle runner, if one is used.
1 minute before the wedding: The ushers, if also serving as groomsmen, then hurry out a side entrance to join the groom, clergyman, and other groomsmen who are waiting together. If not serving as groomsmen, they wait in the vestibule after unrolling the aisle runner, ready to lead the processional down the aisle.
Ceremony time: The groom, his groomsmen, and the clergyman enter and stand in front of the ceremony site. All eyes turn to watch the processional.
Please don't be surprised if this schedule doesn't go quite as planned. All that matters is that you, the beautiful bride, eventually make it down the aisle. The guests aren't checking their watchesthey're just enjoying the celebration!
What are "bell-ringers"?
They are young boys or girls who walk up and down the aisles of the church ringing delicate clear glass bells (such
 
Page 112
as a crystal dinner bell), thus announcing the official beginning of the wedding ceremony. At a recent wedding I attended, two 5-year-old girls served as bell-ringers, walking slowly down the side aisles from the rear of the church (as they gently rang their bells) and then joining in the front of the church, holding hands and walking together back down the center aisle. This is definitely an effective and adorable way to get the guests' attention; it is also a tactful way to include more children in the ceremony, just in case you happen to have more "applicants" than "positions available," which is true with so many brides.
I've been to so many weddings where the first few bridesmaids try to do the "hesitation step," followed by the rest of the bridal attendants who just walk down the aisle normally. How can we avoid this?
The
hesitation step
, which is characterized by a distinct pause between each step, is really quite an old-fashioned tradition and isn't necessary. Instead, have your bridal attendants walk slowly, keeping three to four pews' distance between them.
What is the actual order of the procession as we come down the aisle?
It depends on what type of service. For most Protestant services, this is the order:
The ushers (walking in pairs, the shortest of them leading).
The bridesmaids (walking individually or in pairs).
The honor attendant (always walking alone).
The ring bearer.
 
Page 113
The flower girl(s).
The bride and the bride's father (walking together, the bride on her father's right arm).
Pages or train bearers, if any (walking behind the bride carrying the train of her gown).
For Catholic services, the processional, which is optional, is usually in the same order.
Jewish processionals vary according to local custom and the preferences of the family, but in the simplest ceremonies, this is the usual order:
The bride's grandparents (walking side by side, her grandmother on her grandfather's right).
The groom's grandparents (also walking side by side, his grandmother on his grandfather's right).
The ushers (walking in pairs).
The best man (walking alone).
The groom and his parents (walking side by side with his father in the center, the groom on his father's left and his mother on his father's right).
The bridesmaids (walking in pairs).
The honor attendant (walking alone).
The flower girl (walking alone).
The bride and her parents (walking side by side with the bride in the center, her father holding her left arm and her mother holding her right arm).
In the more elaborate Jewish ceremonies the processional is led by the rabbi and the cantor.
 
Page 114
After my father gives me away, I would like to give my mother a long-stemmed rose before the actual ceremony begins. How do I carry it up the aisle?
Carry it alongside your bouquet, as unobtrusively as possible so that when you present it to your mother it will be a surprise. You may also want to consider presenting one to your groom's mother as well.
We would like to write our own vows; how do we go about it?
Well, first of all, don't assume that you can do so; if you're having a religious ceremony, you need to check with the officiant first to see if you are allowed to deviate from the traditional vows. If you are and you would like to create your own personal wedding vows, I recommend my book
Complete Book of Wedding Vows
, which will give you specific phrasing to work with, including vows for second marriages and vows with ethnic and religious variations. I don't have any statistics to prove it, but my feeling is that most of the brides and grooms today write their own vows, or at least change some of the wording to reflect their individual feelings of commitment to each other. I highly recommend writing your own vows if you are allowed to do so.
You've been to so many weddings. What is the number one goof that happens during the ceremony?
Probably the number one goof has to do with the aisle runner. You see, everyone seems to think that there's nothing to unrolling an aisle runner, but often when the ushers begin to unroll it just before the processional, it comes loose where it is attached at the front of the church or it rolls out crooked or wrinkled. I suggest that the ushers practice unrolling the aisle runner during the rehearsal or, better yet, do away with it altogether.

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