Determinism (Cara & Abel's Story) (25 page)

“How far along is she?” Troy asks.

“I’m not sure, we just found out last week.”

Troy fills in the EMT while I get into the back of the ambulance. It takes everything I have not to start working on her. Instead, I keep out of the way and ensure I’m touching and talking to her at all times.

Within seconds, we’re driving off. I don’t recognize the EMT, but as I watch him, I can tell he knows what he’s doing.

“Where are we taking her?” I ask.

“Good Samaritan.”

In a way, I’m relieved that it’s not her hospital. Then again maybe that would be better. The staff all knows who she is, so they would make her their top priority. But now is not the time to start questioning her care.

“What’s the extent of her injuries so far?”

“I’m not sure, as there’s not much physical trauma besides that to her head. She’s going to need an MRI. Her BP is low, 50/80 so that’s concerning to me. The firefighter I spoke with said she’s pregnant.”

“Yeah. We just found out.”

“Alright, we’re here. Let’s let the experts take over.” The ambulance slows and the back doors open. I hop out and have to remind myself to keep out of the way. Waiting for us is a young nurse that reminds me of Cara and a doctor. Reading his nametag, it says Dr. Lee.

We all head inside and I do my best to keep up with the conversation that is going on between the three of them. I can tell they are taking her away for an MRI. She is stable enough for it, and their main concern is her head trauma. That seems to be where the bulk of her injuries are.

“Will you please check on the baby?” I say as a nurse stops me from following them as they wheel her away. Dr. Lee looks back to me and nods his head. I stand there in the stark, white hallway, frozen as I watch the reason for my existence be taken away from me. Emotions roll through me, and I have to get a breath of fresh air.

Once I’m outside, the air is a welcome feeling. The worry and anxiety from knowing that Cara is pregnant to the very real fear for her life has my throat constricting and each breath is a struggle. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a full-fledged panic attack and I can feel one building now. I fight with my breathing and pray that it will go away.

I wish more than anything that I could go back to last week, waking up before Cara and watching her sleep ever so peacefully. If only I could switch places with her now, I would.

Leaning against the rough exterior of the side of the building, I know I have to call Lex. But what do I say? I can’t imagine that phone call, so instead like a bitch, I call my brother. He answers on the second ring like he always does.

“What’s up, douchebag?”

I swallow hard and push away the emotions in my voice. “Not now, Vince. Listen, it’s Cara.” I can’t control the tone of my voice as I get choked up.

“What happened?” he demands.

“She … she was in a car accident,” I can barely get the words out as my body skids down the wall. I sit there hanging my head low, quietly releasing my tears.

“Is she okay?”

“She’s alive, but I don’t know about the baby or the extent of her injuries yet.”

“Where are you? We’re leaving now.”

“At Good Samaritan.”

“Hang in there, okay? Please don’t think the worst. She’s alive and in good hands.”

“I know,” is all I can say and I hang up. I drop my phone and rest my head on my forearm, saying a silent prayer. Then it hits me — is this the sign from my Mom that I was asking for? Would she do that? Would she put Cara at risk to show me what I am supposed to be doing? Regardless, I’ve made my mind up.

I love her. Almost losing her is the biggest wake-up call ever. She completes me and is my reason for living. She’s
not
Abigail, this I know. That was over a decade ago, and I have to let it go. She is Cara, my Cara. My kitten and my love, the mother of my child, and I need to not take her for granted.

Before I get up, I say another prayer.
God, please don’t take her. Let her pull through this and be okay. Protect the little life that’s inside of her as well.

Walking back inside, my mind drifts. I know I don’t know the first thing about being a parent, but I promise I’ll give them both nothing less than 100%. I head back into the ER and sneak back with another visitor. I stop at the nurses’ station to see if there are any updates. There is nothing new, and she tells me to have a seat, so I sit down in the waiting area. Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my knees and bow my head.

I’m not sure how long I have been sitting like this. A gentle touch to my back alerts me and I look to my left. Alexa is sitting next to me, with tears in her eyes. I look up and see Vincent standing on the other side of me. Alexa leans over and hugs me, sobbing into my shoulder.

“How is she?” Vincent asks as he sits.

“I haven’t heard anything yet.”

Holding Alexa makes me realize how real this situation is. Cara is anything but out of danger. Vincent pats my shoulder as we all three sit in silence. The only noise is that of Alexa sniffling, and all we can do is sit and wait.

“Do you have Amber’s number?” I ask.

As Alexa pulls away, she grabs a tissue off of the table and wipes her eyes before saying, “I called and left both her and Marla a message, I’m sure they’ll call me soon. Abel, what happened?”

“I really don’t know,” I say running my hands over my face. “I ran home to get away for a bit and check on Puss, and the next thing I know I got a call from one of the guys that we had been dispatched. When I arrived I only saw two cars on the road, and neither were hers. Troy spotted her off the road and called me over … now here we are.”

“What happened to her car? Did she just veer off of the road?”

I shake my head. “No. It flipped quite a few times. She was stuck inside and barely conscious. It took the guys awhile to get her out. I’m not sure if she knew I was there or not and that scares me. It seems as though her only injuries are head trauma, which I guess is better for the baby. But we don’t know how bad it is for her yet.”

Alexa starts to cry again and I wrap my arm around her pulling her against me.

“Cara Savannah,” Dr. Lee comes into the waiting room and calls. We all stand and he comes over to us. “Please have a seat,” he says.

I grip onto Alexa and neither of us moves. “How is she?” I ask.

“She has a long road ahead of her. There is severe trauma and swelling to her brain. We have her sedated and need to wait for the swelling to decrease before we can try to wake her. Other than several bumps and bruises, she doesn’t have any other injuries. All in all, I would say she’s very lucky.”

“And the baby?” Alexa asks.

“The baby is fine. She appears to be about six weeks pregnant.”

“Thank God. Can we see her?”

“Yes. It’s important that you talk to her and let her know that you are there. Don’t talk as if she’s not in the room; include her in everything you all discuss. Studies have shown that patients who are in comas or sedated respond better to treatment when they are interacted with.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“This is what we do; it’s my pleasure. Follow me, guys.”

We all walk behind him and my heart is in my throat. It’s the same feeling I got the first night that we slept together. When I drove to her house that night, unsure if she was okay, and walked up to her front door questioning everything … then as she opened the door in her sweats, with her messy hair, and was excited to see me, my heart calmed.

Entering her room now, I don’t get that same calmness. But she is alive. One thing about Cara is she’s resilient. I see that strength in her now. Her beauty is still ever-present, as she shines through the bruises and bandages. I wish this were a dream that I could wake up from. But I know I can’t, this isn’t a fairy tale. This is our life and I am going to fight for her and our child.

I move to the right side of the bed and enclose my hand over her fragile one. Moving my lips to hers, I breathe her in. I can barely make out her sweet scent over the sterile stench of the hospital and that makes my heart wrench.

Thank you, Lord, for saving them.

I move my other hand and rest it on her abdomen; the simple touch brings me to my knees. Inside of her is a life that we created, a tiny seed with the slightest flutter of a heartbeat. A tough one, might I add. Jesus, I never knew I could feel so deeply for something I ran away from just a week ago. I know it has not been long but to me it feels like months and months. How will we get through this? What if she doesn’t wake up?
Mom, if you have any pull in this, I could really use a saving grace right about now.
I rest my head against my forearm, looking for the strength to speak to her.

Alexa’s voice interrupts my thoughts. I look, and both she and Vincent are on the other side of the bed. Alexa takes the back of her knuckles and runs them over Cara’s swollen cheek. Her poor face is bloody and bandaged. “Care, it’s Lex. I’m here with the guys and we’re not going to leave your side. The doctor said that the baby is okay. You guys are six weeks pregnant and I think Abel is happy.”

She looks to me as I stand. I need to be a man and tell her how I feel.

Please let her hear me.

“We’ll give you some time,” Vincent says as he directs Alexa away.

“I’ll be right back,” she adds.

Once the door closes, I lean over inches from her face and wish that she would open her eyes. I move my lips to hers and then to my favorite spot behind her ear, the one that drives her a little crazy. After I leave a tender kiss I begin to speak into her ear.

“Baby, I love you. I need you to know that. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was afraid of your reaction. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter though. I can’t change how I feel for you. I love you with every fiber of my being and have for a long time. All I can do now is hope you’ll love me in return. I’m so sorry I left you. It was a shitty thing to do, and if you can forgive me, I promise to
never
do anything like that again. I was being dumb and immature. I panicked and should’ve talked through my feelings with you.”

I pull up a chair and sit in it, feeling exhausted. I lower the railing on the bed and rest my head on her side as I continue to talk. “I promise you I’ll be open and honest from now on. I know I don’t know the first thing about being a father, but I’m going to give it my all. I won’t let you or this little one down.”

Moving my hand to rest on her stomach, I feel tired and allow myself to close my eyes for a few moments. I relax there with my eyes shut, her breathing moving my hand up and down. I can feel her heartbeat pulsing through her and it’s strong. She’s going to be okay; she has to be. God forbid something happens to her — I wouldn’t survive it. I couldn’t imagine life without her.

These last two weeks have been hell. Every day is the same; I wait for things to change but nothing does. The swelling has gone down in Cara’s brain and they weaned her off of the sedation a week ago. Since then she has been in a coma. Her brain is responsive and showing normal activity, but she’s just not waking up.

I’ve spent hours upon hours researching similar cases. I finally had to stop; the information was driving me crazy. Dr. Lee said she just needs a little more time and that’s what I keep reminding myself of. Trauma patients often wake up when their bodies have healed enough or when their minds have been able to process the trauma it’s endured. Marla and Amber arrived a few days after the accident. I feel horrible that they had to find out about the baby through this hospitalization. They’ve both been huge supporters though, even Marla with her kooky ways. It’s taken a bit of adjusting on my part to have them around. Regardless, I’m happy to have their support.

Staring at the eclectic selection of items in the gift shop, I try to enjoy a moment alone. It’s the first I’ve taken away from her in a few days. Everyone demanded I do so and I finally got tired of arguing. Looking around, I snag a few sports magazines then scan the shelves looking for anything interesting. I find a small scroll attached to a pebble. As I open the scroll it says,

In life, it is said that each person has one true mate. The same holds true for penguins. They spend years searching for their perfect match. Once they’ve found their mate, the male will present the female with a perfect pebble. He places it at her feet as a sign of his everlasting commitment. If she accepts, these two are united for all eternity.

I know penguins are Cara’s favorite animal. She would love this, and I hope I get the chance to present it to her. I cash out and head into the cafeteria. Grabbing a tuna sandwich, some chips, and a soda, I take my lunch to her room because I can’t stand being away from her any longer.

As I approach, there is chaos and I jog over to see what is going on. Dr. Lee and the neurologist, Dr. Cottingham, are checking on her. She looks the same — pale and small — in the large bed.

“What happened?” I ask Amber.

“My mom and I were talking about you and she squeezed my hand.”

“Really?” I say way too loudly in my excitement. She nods her head. “Is she waking up?” I ask Dr. Cottingham.