Desolate (15 page)

With shaky hands, I reached out and took the device from him. Feeling like the biggest idiot of all time.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t think about anything else other than getting out of there. It’s a long story and one I just can’t talk about right now. Thank you for recording the song, but I’ve got to head to class,” I whispered, unable to even look him in the eyes. My head hung down the entire time out of embarrassment. He’d been nothing but nice to me and I was being hateful.

“No need to apologize. What time is the concert on Friday? I’d love to go,” he asked, which furthermore showed how thoughtful he actually was. I’d been rude and mean, and here he was still wanting to see the main performance.

“It’s at seven,” I whispered as I toyed with the phone in my hands.

“See ya then, Magdalena,” he replied as he turned and walked in the opposite direction that I was headed toward.

As I brought myself out of the memory, my heart hurt, but what I was more shocked about was that I’d gone through it without crying. Maybe thinking about some of the less painful memories and the happy times was the way to go in order to ease myself back into integrating them back into my life. While they weren’t physically here to allow that, it would make it easier for me to actually place pictures of them around the house instead of locking them away for fear of how I’d react without seeing them.

I stood from the chair and moved over to stand in front of the keyboard. Gently, I lifted it out of the case and moved the case to the side. I sat it back down, letting my fingers slowly move down the keys. With just one small touch, I could easily remember how it felt to caress the white and black keys and produce the beautiful chords for any song that I’d learned to play.

Without even thinking, I played the song that me and Andrew loved so much. The one from one of the first memories that I’d ever experienced with the man that had ingrained himself so deeply into my soul.

Shockingly, my brain and fingers remembered each note to play.
Hallelujah
by Leonard Cohen was Andrew and my mom’s favorite song. Instead of thinking of all the sorrow that I’d associated with this song, losing both of them being the main memory, I decided to think of the happiness that two of the people I loved had gotten from watching me play. Replacing the sad memories with those that made me happy. With each note that I continued to play a part of my soul mended somehow. While there were tears streaming down my face the more I played, a part of me had began to heal as the music belted out from the keys. Something as simple as playing a song made me feel somewhat whole again. Alive so to speak. While I’d never forget them, I could tell as I finished up the song that I’d be able to do at least one thing I loved to do again.

And I’d do it without fear.

Without reason.

Just because I finally wanted to live and not merely exist.

I
nstead of rushing the list
, I decided to save the last suggestion for another day. I didn’t think my heart could take speaking out to thin air. Unless it was to scream at nothing. Something that I’d do on a daily basis before I moved out here.

Instead of cleaning today, I decided to have a lazy day. I fed and walked Shadow early this morning so that I could lay around. Plus, it was freezing outside and I knew that it’d only get worse as the day moved on. The couch had become my best friend. I’d made myself comfortable after I brought all of the necessitates into the den. I’d watched movie after movie, sticking with comedy or action. I hadn’t wanted to push it with anything that was potentially sappy or romance related. As the third movie neared to an end, I heard a soft knock on the back door. I spoke with Clyde this morning and learned that the fence and other minor repairs would be done in a couple more days. And that meant that Weston wouldn’t need to come around anymore.

Reluctantly, I sat up and placed the half eaten bowl of popcorn on the table and walked to the door. I peered through the curtain to see a bundled up Weston on the other side. I could’ve had fun with it and made him wait longer, but I knew it was cold outside and didn’t want to be too cruel. I pulled the door open, making sure that I stood behind it to combat the wind that would surely come inside and prayed that he took the hint to enter my house. Once I heard him wiping off his feet on the mat, I waited for him to walk inside before slamming the door shut.

“You look comfortable,” he replied as he took in my lazy day attire.

“I am. I decided that the house could wait and that I’d have a movie day,” I replied as I stood there bouncing from foot to foot.

He walked over to the table and I followed, instantly wondering if he’d ask questions about what still remained there.

“You play?” he asked as he looked down at the keyboard.

“I used to play. I hadn’t played since before Andrew and Liam passed away. That is until I decided to take someone’s advice and do something I never thought I’d do again,” I confessed, might as well get it over and done with. He’d ask questions anyways.

“I knew you said music was an important part of your life, but I never would’ve guessed that you played. Are you any good?”

“Maybe one day you’ll find out.” I wasn’t ready to have an audience just yet.

“Are you and Clyde done for the day? Is it really that late already?” I asked, looking around and noticing that the room wasn’t as bright as it usually was for being early in the day.

“It’s almost five thirty. I wanted to ask you something before I left. And you can totally decline if you’re not feeling up to it.”

“Okay…” I replied, waiting for him to reveal the mysterious question.

“My mom is cooking her amazing chicken tortilla soup tonight, and I wanted to know if you’d like to come over for dinner? You know get out more like Clyde has been bugging you to do.”

“So now you’re going to use Clyde’s words against me, huh?” I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest. Hoping like hell I appeared to be pissed off when all I really wanted to do was laugh.

“Not against you per say. Just reminding you what he said he wanted.” He was so full of himself it wasn’t funny.

“On one condition,” I replied, hoping to gain the upper hand.

“What’s that?”

“You hold up your end of the deal and start trying to trust someone of the opposite sex again,” I replied, knowing that I had him with my suggestion.

“See, you think you’ve won over there, but I’ve already started with that one,” he replied with a sly grin.

“And how’s that?” I asked, shocked that he was trying to win.

“I started the moment I trusted you enough to confide in you,” he confessed, shocking me even more. I hadn’t realized that he would use me as the example. I thought he’d start with someone he hadn’t met or didn’t know that well. Fine. He could have it his way. He had me there.

“Good one, Mr. Corbin.”

“Now get some shoes on so we can chow down,” he demanded with a laugh.

“Do you seriously think I’m meeting your family in these sweats?” He was crazy if he really thought that.

“What’s wrong with what you’ve got on? My family is as laid back as they come.”

“While that may be, I’m not meeting them for the first time looking like a bum. Give me five minutes to change and I’ll be ready to go.”

“I’d love to see that. No woman I’ve ever met can get ready that fast with such short notice,” he replied as I was walking away.

“I’m about to prove you wrong,” I laughed as I ran to the other end of the hall to my room.

Four and a half minutes later I returned completely dressed and ready to go. Shoes, makeup and all. Granted I only had on mascara and lip gloss, leggings, an oversized sweater, and my boots, but still. I looked presentable and cute enough to meet his parents.

“Holy shit. One of you does exist. Be still my heart.”

As we walked out the back door, I smacked him upside the head for good measure. How dare he doubt me and my mad skills? Who was I kidding? I just wanted to prove him wrong. Any other time it would’ve taken me thirty minutes’ minimum to get ready on short notice.

The drive over to his parents’ house went by quickly. Before I knew it, he’d shut off the engine and was running around to my side of the truck. He opened my door and held his hand out to help me get out of the truck.

“Such a gentleman,” I joked as I took his hand and hopped down.

“Yeah, there’s that and then there’s the fact that my momma is watching through the window,” he joked as we walked toward the front of his parents’ house. It was a beautiful ranchestyle house with a lovely wrap around porch. A porch swing and rocking chairs were scattered across the front of the porch, giving the home that immediate country feels.

His mother opened the door waving her hands for us to quickly enter the space.

“Hurry in here. It’s freezing outside,” she stated as we walked through the door.

Weston let out a laugh at his mother’s insistence and kissed her on the cheek once she’d shut the door behind us. You could instantly feel the love between the two just watching them together. The smile that appeared on her face as his lips left her cheek made me miss my mother even more.

“Momma, this is Magdalena, the woman I told you about that I’d been doing some side work for,” he explained as he introduced me.

“Hello, Mrs. Corbin. Thanks for having me tonight. You have a beautiful home,” I stated as I held out my hand for her to shake it.

“Oh hush it, honey, with all that formality. The name is Doris. You can call me that or Momma. All of the kids around here do. And put that hand down. We don’t shake hands around here. We give out hugs.” She beamed as she smacked my hand away and pulled me in for a hug. After the shock of her words left, I lightly hugged her back.

“Who’s ready for some of this amazing smelling soup?”

As we followed her into the kitchen, I took in the home. Pictures were everywhere. Weston and his brothers’ graced every spare inch of the walls, along with what I assumed were his nieces and nephews. The cutest pictures of Grace were also mixed in. You could tell that this family loved and supported each other just by the amount of love that shown from the pictures on the walls. It was a feeling that I missed. Beaming as if I’d passed a picture of a memory of me, Andrew, and Liam. I just didn’t know if I was ready to see those memories all over the place again. Visualizing it in my head was a little different than seeing them throughout the house. At least in my mind it was.

“I sure am, Momma,” Weston replied as he rubbed his stomach when we entered the kitchen.

“You’re always hungry, son.” She unplugged two crockpots and carried each over to the already set table. She called out for everyone to come and eat just as she sat down three baskets of rolls in between the soup.

The stampede sound that came down the hall shocked me, but made me smile as each child came and sat down at the small table over to the right that I’d apparently missed.

“The kids have their own table. They need one with this growing family,” Weston whispered into my ear as his brothers entered the room. His dad followed with a sleepy Grace rubbing her eyes.

“And there’s my little pumpkin,” Weston said through a smile as he walked over to his dad to take Grace from him. Only she shocked his entire family when she moved her head around her dad and looked right at me. She smacked at his hand when he tried to take her and said my name, causing everyone to turn toward me.

“Hey there, sweetie,” I called out to her as I walked over and took her from Weston’s dad. Her head instantly laid down on my shoulder, but her hand reached toward her grandfather, her fingers signaling that she wanted what he was holding. He handed her the blanket and stuffed animal he still held in his hand and she settled further into my shoulder, her thumb going into her mouth.

“She’s not feeling too well,” Weston’s father stated as he continued to stare at me, the strange woman holding his granddaughter.

“Hello, Mr. Corbin. I’m Magdalena. Weston’s been helping me at my house with some repairs the past couple of weeks,” I explained as I lifted Grace up to get her in a more comfortable position.

“I’ve heard all about you, but I’m still shocked that Miss Picky Pants wanted someone she barely knows over her daddy,” he laughed as he sat down at the table.

I followed suit obviously in shock as well. She’d only met me a couple of times and yet this little girl always gravitated toward me.

“She’s done that since she met her the first time, it still baffles me that she does it too,” Weston explained as she pulled out a chair for me, signaling me to sit down and eat. The stares his brothers were giving me didn’t go unnoticed, but I ignored them and decided to focus on the sick little girl I was holding, rocking her back and forth as soon as I sat down. Weston sat down beside me and after his mother said the blessing then made me a bowl of soup. Only I waited to eat until Grace had fallen asleep. Weston took her from me and went into the other room to lay her down, coming back to join the rest of us.

Once Grace had left my arms, everyone seemed to relax and the conversation flowed easily. The brothers joking back and forth and his mother calling enough when they started to go too far. The whole time I wished I could have had a chance to have all of this. Only now, I’d have to figure out a way to live without it until I was ready to let someone else into my life to experience it again. Until then, I’d hold onto these memories of what could be and accept nothing less than the type of love that this family held for each other.

Weston drove me home later, apologizing for his brothers’ numerous times on the drive, but I wouldn’t allow it. That’s what families did and I told him I’d had a blast, not diminishing the truth. No, this time, I spoke from the heart about how much joy the night had brought me.

L
ast night was
as bad as I thought it would be. The evening was actually quite refreshing. Weston’s family was as laid back as he said they were and made me feel right at home the second I walked in the door. His parents’ reminded me of mine: bright, cheerful and in love. Most of all they doted on Grace just like I knew mine would’ve with my precious baby boy if only they’d gotten the chance to meet him.

Today was a bittersweet day. The fence and the repairs would be completed before the day was done, and neither Weston nor I had made plans for what came after his help wasn’t needed anymore around here. With the winter fast approaching and holidays right around the corner, I wasn’t sure I would even want to be around anyone. Even though I’d made strides in coming out of my shell and living, I didn’t know how I wouldn’t drown in the grief of my first major holiday without them.

Instead of sulking and stewing over what could be or could happen, I decided that I needed to put a more positive spin on the day. So I set out to surprise the two men that should be here within a few minutes.

I rushed downstairs after I got presentable in a pair of flannel pajamas and thick socks to get the coffee ready. Only they’d get a little more than that this morning.

Everything had just finished when I heard the door open and Clyde’s welcoming voice bellowed out from the entrance.

I hurriedly sat the carafe on the table of coffee and plated his food before he rounded the corner. When he entered the room, my outstretched hand holding the plate full of deliciousness greeted him.

“What in the world is all of this?” he asked with a deep laugh.

“I decided to make breakfast.”

“I can see that, but you know I’m trying to watch my girlish figure,” he joked as he rubbed his belly.

“I’m sure you are, old man,” I joked back, holding the plate further out toward him.

“Fine. You don’t win, but the smell of the bacon and eggs does,” he laughed as he took the plate and walked over to the table.

Just as I finished scooping out a helping of fried potatoes, Weston walked inside and called out to me.

“You awake in here, Magdalena?” he asked as he stomped off his boots by the door.

“I sure am,” I called back, taking the same stance as I had when Clyde walked into the house.

He rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks, shocked at the sight before him.

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“Well, you know I had all this extra after making Clyde some breakfast, so I figured I’d share the deliciousness with you,” I slyly stated, hoping he could tell I was joking.

“So I only measure up for second best, is that it?” he asked, holding his hand over his heart appearing to have his feelings hurt.

“Oh hush it, you. I wanted to do something nice for you for a change. Is that so hard to believe?” I’d never been one to hold out a joke for very long.

“That’s awfully nice of you. Thanks for the surprise breakfast.” Weston grinned and joined Clyde at the table.

I made a plate of my own and took a seat at the table. A cup of coffee was placed in the spot I’d chosen. Weston grinned up at me as I sat down, and I knew he’d been the one to make it.

“So today’s the last day, huh?” I asked as I took a bite of my eggs.

“Yes, ma’am. Weston here was a life saver. If me and old Frank had attempted to get it all done, we’d have taken another couple of weeks. But, this guy over here is a lot younger and can move faster than us two old farts,” Clyde said between bites.

“I do what I can,” Weston replied as he looked up at me. Indecision written all over his face, confusing me in the process.

“Well, I for one am very grateful to you both for getting the property in shape. I still haven’t decided if I want to bring cattle back on the land or not, but at least it’s ready for the day that decision comes,” I replied as I took a sip of coffee, moaning at the caffeinated goodness that I’d need to make it through the day.

“No need to thank me. I was happy to help,” Weston replied with a grin, his southern drawl coming out with each word he spoke.

We all finished eating in a comfortable silence. The second the men’s plates were cleared, they each stood and picked up their dirty dishes, placing them in the sink.

I watched them both put on their coats and ready themselves for the day.

“Y’all try and stay warm, and don’t work too hard on the last day of the repair project,” I shouted as they were walking out the door.

The only return response I received was a laugh from each of them. Instead of getting up to clean up the mess from this morning’s breakfast, I lingered at the table and relaxed while I finished my cup of coffee. Thoughts of what I’d do today crossed my mind as I sat there and stared off into space. The only real objective I could come up with was the final task that Weston had suggested that I’d complete. Talking to Andrew and Liam. It would be a good send off if he decided that we’d go our separate ways.

After I finished my cup of coffee, I took my time washing the dishes, drying them, and putting them away. Holding off on completing the one task that would gut me as well as help me heal in the end. Instead of getting ready to go, I decided that the laundry needed to be done and the downstairs needed to be dusted. There was nothing like putting off the inevitable, and it was way too easy to choose something else to do than complete a promise that I knew would be hard on me.

With the laundry out of the way and every crevice dusted downstairs, I looked up at the clock and noticed that time had gotten away from me. I hadn’t intended to take this long before I went outside to the one spot I knew would be the easiest for me to talk to them. I couldn’t just do it here in the comfort of my home. I had to do it in a place where I felt complete peace. The spot that I’d found mere months before would be a perfect place to have my first conversation with the two people I missed more than anything in the world. Deciding that it was now or never, I reluctantly walked down the hall to my room to get dressed.

Pulling the first pair of jeans and thick long sleeve shirt out of my closet that I could grab, I took off my pajamas and replaced them with the clothes I’d randomly chosen. I rummaged through my sock drawer and pulled out a thick pair, then sat down and the bed and slid them on my feet. I jumped up off the bed and hurriedly walked to downstairs. I slid my feet into my boots, then grabbed the coat off the hook of the back door and threw it on. Mentally, I prepared myself for the cold that I was about to walk out into. I swung the door open wide and walked out, the brisk air hitting me in the face.

I rushed over to the barn and quickly put the saddle on Shadow.

“You ready to go for our ride, girl,” I cheerfully asked, getting a nudge from her nose in return.

I carried the saddle over and placed it on her back, strapping it into place. I steadied myself by putting my hand on her said and put my left foot in the stirrup, swinging my right leg over her back. I situated myself on top of her and nudged her side with my foot to get her to move.

The ride to our spot was peaceful as I took in my surroundings. The leaves were all over the ground, crunching beneath Shadow’s hooves as we slowly rode off toward my destination. The walk to this place must be imbedded in her memory, because she rarely needed any motions to direct her where to go. Before I was ready, we’d reached the bench that sat in front of the lone tree in the middle of the field. The place that I enjoyed sitting the most out of all the acres that I owned.

I hopped off of Shadow but held her reins in my hands so she wouldn’t go far and sat down on the bench. Without giving what I set out to do a second thought, I started to speak the first words that came to my mind.

“Andrew, you left a whole in my heart so big the day you died. I will never understand the why of it all. Maybe I’m not meant to understand, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering what could have been. Where we’d be today if you hadn’t been taken from me. It’s so hard, even though all this time has passed. They told me it would get easier with time, but that’s just not the case. Nothing has helped. I thought coming out here would, but it’s done more damage than good I think. It’s still just too damn hard. The biggest question that plagues me is why I didn’t just go to the store myself. If that would’ve happened, it would be me in the ground instead of you and Liam. I’d take your place if I could. I’ve thought so much about just ending it all, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t seem to get that far. I’ve thought about holding the gun in my hands. I’ve thought about the bottle of pills I could so easily obtain. But something always stops me, and I think that something is you.

“No matter how hard I try; I can’t get you out of my head. I can still hear your laugh, still smell your cologne, and sometimes I swear I can feel you touch me. Those are the things that make it the hardest to move on. I try and try to block it all from my head but, something always brings back the memory of you. The simplest things remind me of you and the pain starts all over again. But nothing, and I mean nothing, will hurt more than the day that I start to actually forget. That’s the part about moving on that I can’t fathom. The day that I can’t hear your laugh or see your smile in my head, will be the day the guilt will fully consume me and never leave. I guess that’s why I don’t want to move on, why I can’t move on is the better statement. I refuse to forget you or Liam. What type of wife and mother would I be if that happened? It kills me that you and Liam aren’t here, but it also kills me that sometimes I have to think longer than usual about the simple things. Like how you took your coffee or what Liam’s favorite toy was. Those things are getting harder to remember, Andrew.”

It was easier than I thought to talk to him. I should’ve done this long ago. It helped to get it all out. I’d tried with the therapist, but I could never convey what I truly felt to the stranger sitting before me; which left me feeling more frustrated and grief-stricken than I was when I arrived. That’s why I stopped going. Or what I told myself when I refused to make another appointment.

The tears that flowed steadily down my cheeks were actually welcomed more than they were feared right now. It hurt to think about the happy times, but I needed to in order to finally move on. I hated it, but Weston was right. Talking to my husband was helping me move on.

“I know I’m rambling and probably not making much sense, but the gist of everything that I’m trying to say is that I miss you and Liam. Not a day goes by where my heart doesn’t feel your losses or where I don’t wish that you were still here with me. It’s hard to picture my future because there’s still two big gaps where you were supposed to be. I don’t know what my future holds, but for some reason I want to try and find out. I don’t know if you two have anything to do with my renewed way of thinking, but if y’all are responsible, thank you. Andrew, you will always be the love of my life, and Liam, you will always be my precious little boy. Until we can meet again, you both will forever be in my heart.” It was getting harder to talk through the grief, but I muddled through until I was finished with the thoughts that were running through my head. There was so much more that I wanted to say, but for today I’d said enough. Just letting them know that they weren’t forgotten was enough for me to feel a little better for now. I highly doubted that anything could keep me from talking to them ever again.

Instead of lingering here, I decided that I’d go back to the house and do one of the things that we all loved to do together as a family. Bake cookies. It would hurt to do it without them, but for some reason that thought didn’t gut me like it did before. It gave me hope that I’d be okay someday.

As I was standing to leave, I blew a kiss into the air and inhaled a deep breath. As I released the air, I allowed some of the grief to go with it. I hadn’t realized how cold it was out here until just now. I guess the comfort of what I said kept me warm. My hands felt like ice to the touch, but it wouldn’t be much longer until I was back to the house.

I walked over to where Shadow stood and rubbed her nose the way she liked it. When she leaned into my touch, it brought comfort to a place in my heart that had been empty for so long.

“Come on, girl. Let’s go home,” I stated as I mounted her to leave. Everyone on this ranch had their hand in helping save me from myself, but Shadow was the one who brought me back from the darkness. It wasn’t until today that I allowed myself to see just how much I’d needed saving in the first place.

The house had started to smell of chocolate chips and cookie dough mere seconds after I placed the first pan into the awaiting oven. Now, six batches of cookies later, I could smell the gooey yumminess all throughout the house. The real thing was better than any candle I could ever light. Just as I was about to pull the last tray out of the oven, the back door opened. Since my back was to the door and I couldn’t exactly turn around, I waited to hear the voice of the person that had entered. Instead I was met with silence. Trying to hold in the panic, I gently sat the hot cookie sheet on top of the stove and slid the oven mitt off of my hand. Taking a deep breath, I turned around to see who had come inside. Only the person was closer than I thought. Standing right behind me. I did the only logical thing and screamed while my hand came up to cover my racing heart.

“I’ve still got it,” he joked as he laughed a full belly laugh.

“That’s totally not funny, you ass,” I shouted as I smacked him in the arm with my other hand.

“Oh, it totally is. I used to feel bad, but I haven’t been able to scare you in forever. It just seemed fitting on my last day here to make you jump out of your skin,” he replied, this time trying to hold in the laughter.

“You’re so lucky I don’t have it in me to physically harm you at the moment or you’d be in for a world of hurt,” I scolded as my breaths started to calm.

“You don’t scare me,” he laughed as he tightened the muscles in his arm, trying to show how big and bad he was. Only I knew better. I’d witnessed the softer side of him and knew just how much of a big heart he had.