Desolate (12 page)

I
stared
off into the distance for far too long when Max had left, then breaking myself from the trance-like state, I turned and headed in the direction that I’d meant to go all along.

Toward Shadow.

The short walk did nothing to clear my head, but the second I entered the barn and saw her peek her head out of the stall, some of the emotions slightly disappeared. She was my peace when I felt down. The light in my cold, dark world. The closer I got to her the more her head bounced up and down.

“Is someone happy to see me today?”

The only response I received was a puff of air coming out of her nose and her head continuing to nod. It was better than nothing, I suppose.

“Well, I’m sure happy to see you,” I announced as I grabbed the brush off of the rack and walked over to her stall.

Her head instantly reached out toward my outstretched hand, nudging for me to start caressing her.

With my left hand, I rubbed up and down the center of her nose, her eyes closing and a soft breath escaped her while I brushed her mane with my right. Instantly, I was able to escape to a happy place that I found with her. Where no words or feelings to be rehashed. Where I could just be.

“Hey, Magdalena,” I heard from behind me, causing me to almost jump out of my skin. Luckily I recognized the voice behind me or I would’ve reacted a little differently.

“Oh hey, Weston. What are you up to this afternoon?” I asked as I turned around to face him, still running the brush down the horse’s side.

“I was looking for you, actually. I wanted to see how you were doing,” he questioned, as he put his hands in his back pockets and rocked back on his heels.

After I brushed Shadow a couple more times, I stood and walked over to the side of the stall to hang up the brush. I wiped my hands on the sides of my pants, then finally turned to look at him moments later. It was unfortunate that he came in here when he did. If Max hadn’t pissed me off to no return, he wouldn’t get the attitude that was about to escape my mouth.

“I’m fine. Why do you keep trying with me? I told you I was a lost cause. There’s no need for us to get to know each other. You work for Clyde, which means you work for me in a sense. There’s no reason for you to want to help me or get me to try and live again. You have a job to do and that’s it.” I wasn’t in the mood to be disturbed or talk with anyone.

Seeing Max today brought it all back, and I didn’t know if I could get back to the place where Weston left me this morning.

“Whoa there. I actually like to get to know the people in my life. If not for any other reason than I care. I’m not some heartless person. However, in your case, I feel a connection. One I don’t want to explain. There’s something about the way I feel when I’m around you,” he attempted to explain as he held his hands up in the air to surrender.

“I get it. You want to save me. You want to fix me. Newsflash. I can’t be fixed so stop trying. I’m broken beyond repair. Better yet, I don’t want to be fixed. I want to remain broken until the day I die.” My voice got higher and higher the more I spoke.

“That’s no way to live. I never made any inclination that I wanted to fix you. I just want to get to know you because I’m curious about the people in my life. People who could be around my daughter. I just want to be your friend if you’d let me. Someone you can confide in. Someone who can help you heal from the pain that you’re in,” he stated, shocking me to my core. Why would a complete stranger even want to try with me?

“And you know exactly how I should live? Is that it? Trust me, it’s the only way I can live,” I rebuffed, being evasive enough so that he couldn’t get completely inside my head.

“Why do you keep pushing me away? Why can’t you just let go and let me help you?” he screamed as he raked his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends. He backed up to the other side of the barn and leaned against the adjacent stall.

“Because that crazy woman was right. Can’t you see what letting people get close to me does? Everyone dies, Weston. I let them near me. I grow to care about them and love them, then BAM. They all leave me on this earth alone. I have no one but Clyde and Shadow, and even with them I don’t get too close. It’s better that way. No one else will ever die again because they knew me. I couldn’t take it if anything ever happened to you or Grace because we were friends.”

“You do realize how crazy that sounds, right? People don’t die because they know someone. They die because it’s their time to go. What crazy woman are you talking about?” His voice slightly lower but not by much.

“She told me when I was younger, I’d live a lonely life and people around me would die. Look around you. Do you see anyone that used to be in my life here? No you don’t. You want to know why? Because they all fucking died. Every last one of them. Year after year, I had to bury yet another person I loved because they all left me. I came out here to live out my life alone. I didn’t come out here hoping to move on. That’ll never happen,” I exclaimed, still not answering the one question he needed clarified.

“Who told you that?” he firmly asked, not letting me get away with avoiding his question.

I looked to the ground, refusing to answer, hoping like hell he’d just drop it and leave. Apparently I wouldn’t get that lucky because the next thing I knew he was stalking across the aisle of the barn on a mission.

He stood in front of me and took my face in his hands, lifting my head until I was looking up at him. I couldn’t hide the fear in my expression quick enough, and I could tell that he noticed my expression by the haunted look that appeared in his eyes.

“Who told you that, Magdalena?” he repeated in a whisper.

I swallowed hard, my eyes searching his for a few moments. My mouth opened but quickly shut, because part of me was afraid to speak the words aloud.

Before I could back out, I whispered, “A fortune teller.” I quickly looked to the ground so that I didn’t see his expression. The gasp that escaped his throat let me know that I’d just shocked him even more.

“Are you serious right now?” he asked harshly, causing me to jump. His tone alone frightened me enough that I quickly backed away toward the other end of the barn.

Without taking my eyes off of him, I watched as he looked down and kicked his foot off of the dirt and then looked back up at me. A second passed before he was walking toward the direction that I had headed. My steps never faltered as I picked up the pace.

“Magdalena,” he yelled after me. Only I didn’t stop. I ran through the open barn door and out into the night.

He picked up his pace and ran after me, catching up to me when I got back to the front of the barn.

“Hey,” he softly said as he grabbed my arm.

“It’s not safe to be running off alone out here in the dark,” he stated as he continued to hold my arm.

“What? You want to laugh at me some more? I don’t need you to do that. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to speak to you anymore,” I spit out as I attempted to move my arm out of his hold.

“I wasn’t laughing. I was just caught off guard. You don’t seem like the type of person to believe in that sort of thing,” he explained, refusing to let go of my arm.

“Right,” I bit back as I jerked my arm out of his hold and crossed my arms over my chest.

“I’m serious. Now, when did this fortune teller tell you this?”

“Why should I tell you? You obviously think I’m crazy,” I deflected as I let out a frustrated sigh.

“Stop trying to change the subject and just tell me. It might make you feel a little better and stop acting like an ice queen,” he goaded.
What the hell did he just call me? We were going to get to that later.

“You’re impossible. You know that?” I asked, as I turned away from him. Only he shocked me even more when he grabbed my other arm and turned me back to face him.

“Can you answer the question now? I can do this all night,” he smirked, the cockiness exuding off of him.

“Fine. When I was fourteen. Can we drop it now?”

“Fourteen? How did you even get into a place like that? You have to be eighteen to visit one I think?”

“You do, but we were at the fair. It was just supposed to be for fun. A joke. But, what she said kept coming true,” I answered, tired of deflecting and hoping now that he knew he’d let it go.

“So you think because this fortune teller said everyone around you would die, that it’s automatically true? There’s no way you can believe that someone like that can foresee the future.”

“I didn’t. Not at first. But she told my friend Jessica she would live a short life and she died two months later. I was still skeptical, but then my grandparents died when I was sixteen. At the age of nineteen, my parents died. They just all kept dying. And each time someone else I loved died, I heard that woman’s voice telling me how I’d live out my life alone. It’s hard to not believe something like that could be true when you’re young and impressionable. I thought things were finally looking up. I’d finally be able to be happy, but then….”

“But then what?” he coaxed as he walked toward me. When he was close enough, he brushed his fingers down my arm in a comforting gesture.

“I finally lost it all.”

“How’s that?”

“I can’t do this,” I whispered as I turned my head away from his, covering my mouth with my hand. I knew this would be the most difficult conversation that we’d have, but it needed to be done.

He pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on top of my head. I should have push him away, but it was nice to be comforted when I was scared or remembering all of the bad events from my past. I tensed momentarily but leaned into his embrace, my head resting on his shoulder.

Between his kindness and my confession, I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. Instead of allowing him to see my weakness, I burrowed my head into his shoulder and let them fall, hoping that he wouldn’t take notice.

Within seconds of my shoulders beginning to shake, he moved my head back and lifted it so that I could look up to him.

“What’s got you crying, sweetheart?” he asked in a whispered tone as he took his thumbs and wiped away the wetness.

“It hurts so badly,” I admitted as I grabbed my chest. I started to wobble and he had to grip my arms to keep me from falling to the ground.

“They’re gone. Every last person I’ve ever loved is gone. I could handle losing my parents and grandparents. It hurt like hell, but I got through it with the help of Andrew. I tried not to love him, but he commanded it somehow. We were happy. I finally stopped living in fear until our son was born. Liam was the light of my life, but suddenly I feared everything, especially leaving him. I looked for something bad to happen at every turn. Andrew was the only one who could get me to see reason and live in the moment. The day I buried them both was the day I wished I’d died right along with them. You see, I don’t really have anything left to live for. I’m trying, but seeing that light at the end of the tunnel becomes harder and not easier every day. It takes all of my energy to focus on the good each day can bring and not focus on what I should have right now. You appear to be cocky and confident. Isn’t there something that you’re so afraid of that you fear that worry and anxiety will end up ruling your life if you let it?” I confessed as I took the back of my hand and wiped away the remnants of my tears.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Magdalena. I know you’ve heard enough of that phrase for a lifetime, but I’m sorry you had to endure such a painful loss. I know I mentioned it to you before, but have you taken my advice and talked to them? It may help you process your grief and move forward. As for fearing something, of course I have fears. The main one being that Grace will resent me because she has to grow up without a mother. You see, that’s why I’m back home. Her mom up and left her and left me to pick up the pieces. I also fear that her betrayal will hinder my trust in future relationships. I couldn’t handle it if yet another woman hurt my daughter.”

“I don’t know if I can do that. It hurts too much to think about, much less talk about them. Talking to them would break me. I can barely get through a day without the pain taking over. I’m scared that if I talk to them, it’ll make me miss them more. You see, I try to burrow the loss in the back of my mind, but something always brings it to the forefront, causing me to almost crumble. I’ve just gotten used to masking the pain,” I whispered, looking away from him when I was finished.

He pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me, causing some of the pain to slowly dissipate. Leaning back, he rested on the wooden side of the barn, not letting me go the entire time. I eased into him and hugged him back, clinging to him like a lifeline. He loosened his grip and moved his hands up and down my back, soothing me. Comforting me.

I pulled back from him the moment I felt his legs tense. The position we were standing in couldn’t be comfortable. I used the sleeves of my shirt to wipe my face, then looked up at him, but my eyes didn’t meet his.

Without making contact, I apologized for my breakdown. I never wanted him to see me like that. He’d be gone in a few short days. There really wasn’t a reason to make all of these life-altering confessions.

“There’s not one damn thing to be sorry for, sweetheart. You needed to open up to someone, and I’m glad that someone was me,” he replied while grabbing my hand in an attempt to pull me back to him.

I stood firm not following his lead, still looking at anything other than his eyes.

“Yes there is. I shouldn’t have screamed at you like that. I shouldn’t have laid all of that out there. That isn’t the type of person I am. I can continue doing this all on my own. Just like I have been,” I stated, knowing there was more to my outburst than I had let on.

The rolling thunder that crashed from above shocked me, causing me to jump into the air and let out a small scream. I didn’t know that there was a storm coming, which meant I needed to feed Shadow and get inside. Our nightly ride would have to be forgotten today.

“What part of I wanted you to did you not understand? We needed to have this discussion. I’ve tried before, but you weren’t having it. Are you going to continue pulling away from me?”