Desolate (5 page)

Her color was a unique gray, almost white, with black undertones. Her mane, the purest of whites. But it was her eyes that pulled me in. They were the prettiest blue that I’d ever seen on a horse. As a matter of fact, I’d never seen a horse with blue eyes before. There was a deep-rooted sadness beneath them, though. I could tell the move was confusing for her, but I’d get her to come out of her shell. I’d get her to see that she could be happy in her new home.

“You pick out a name yet?” Clyde asked from behind me, causing me to jump. I’d forgotten he was here. I was so focused on the horse that I hadn’t realized he still stood beside me.

“Shadow. She’s beautiful, Clyde. Thank you for finding her for me,” I replied. The black undertones in her coat reminded me of a shadow lurking around the corner.

She nudged my hand again when I said her name, causing Clyde and I to laugh. I guess she agreed on her name. I flipped my hand over and caressed her nose, my heart instantly warming at the sight of this beautiful animal and her willingness to trust. Maybe in time she could teach me how to do the same.

“
W
hat do
you mean she’s fucking gone?” I screamed at my father as I ran my hands through my hair. There’s no way this is happening right now. I couldn’t do this on my own. Not when we had everything planned out to the tee on how our future was going to go.

“She called me about an hour ago to come over and get Grace. I didn’t question it. I just came over the second she called. When I got here she had suitcases in her hands and handed me this letter. Told me it would explain everything to you.”

I felt bad for yelling at him, but I just couldn’t believe that she’d run out on me. Not after everything I’d done for her. Not after I left everything behind so she could follow her dreams. We’d moved to Maryland because she could get a better job here than she could from back home. And stupidly I believed everything that she spewed out of her mouth.

“Where’s Grace now, Pops?” I couldn’t handle her seeing me so upset. I vowed long ago that she’d never see anything but love and happiness on my face, and I wasn’t breaking that promise right now.

“She’s sleeping in her bedroom. She has been since I got here about an hour ago. Listen, Son. Why don’t you come back home? You know that’s where you belong anyway. You didn’t want to live the city life and now you don’t have to. But before we do anything, you need to read the letter from she who shall not be named.” I knew he was right, but how could she just up and leave? Even if she didn’t want to be with me, how could any mother just up and leave their child?

“You’re right, Pops. Let me read this then I’ll decide what I’m going to do. It may not be what I’m assuming it is. No need in making any rash decisions until I know for sure what’s happening.”

I took the envelope from him, walked through our small two-bedroom apartment back to our bedroom and shut the door. Taking a look around, I noticed that the room was almost empty. She’d taken everything off of the walls as well. There’s only one reason she’d do that. She wasn’t coming back.

Shaking my head of all the negative thoughts, I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. Now was the time to man up and get this over with. Rip the band-aid off, so to speak. I slid my finger through the opening on the envelope and tore it open, taking out the folded piece of paper. The envelope forgotten, I opened the letter that held mine and my daughter’s fate.

Weston,

I never wanted to have to write these words down, but the time has come where there was no other option. First and foremost, I’m so sorry I uprooted your life and had you come here. I thought that we’d be happy, but I felt the resentment as it poured off of you day in and day out. I should’ve believed you when you told me that you’d never enjoy living in the city. I should’ve known that even though we left the country that the country would never leave you. And I was naïve enough to think that I could change you, but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t have even tried. This was never going to work, and we were foolish enough to believe that it would.

Please take care of Grace for me. She’s the best thing that I ever did. See, I was never fit to be a mom either. I thought that if I gave you what you wanted, that I’d get what I wanted in return. That just wasn’t the case. I love her with all of my heart, but I can’t take care of her the way she needs. She’s always needed you more anyways.

I’ve already contacted a lawyer about relinquishing rights. His number is at the bottom and he’s waiting for your call. Tell her the good things about me someday. I know I don’t have a right to ask, but I hope that you’ll do at least that. Please know that this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me. I can’t continue living this lie. It’s not fair to you nor me. Take care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Mackenzie

What the ever loving hell? How could she just leave Grace like that? She must’ve been a good actress because I’d never in a million years believe that she’d just walk away from her. Me, yeah I could believe that. I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I’ll admit that much. But I just wasn’t happy after we left home. I loved Mackenzie with all of my heart, but we both changed once we moved away from Nelson County. How was I going to explain to Grace when she asked for her mommy that she wasn’t coming back? She was only two for goodness sakes.

The questions ran through my head a mile a minute, and I wanted them all to stop. My head felt like it was going to explode from all of the overload I was putting myself through. I had to set a plan into motion. I wasn’t going to stay here longer than necessary. Grace and I were going back to where we belonged all along. Home.

Without allowing myself another moment to dwell on the what ifs and what could’ve beens, I got up off of the bed and set out on the mission at hand. I needed to get everything packed and moved out of here.

“Hey, Pops,” I yelled as I walked out of the bedroom.

“In the living room, son,” he replied.

I reached the small living room and set out to tell my father the plans that I had. I wasn’t going to sit around and hope that she was coming home, but I wasn’t about to down her in my head either. What’s done is done, and quite frankly in a few days I’d likely see her leaving as a favor more than anything else.

“We’re coming home, Pops. How soon can you get a couple of trucks up here and some trailers?” I asked, the urgency apparent in my tone.

“I could get them up here by tomorrow. We don’t need them until the weekend.”

“Good. Can you take Grace home with you tonight and have Mom watch her tomorrow? I’ve got tons of packing to do. I want out of here as soon as possible. We only have a couple of months left on our lease anyways. I don’t want to stay here another minute longer than I have to.”

“I’ll call and let your mother know the plans. She won’t mind watching our precious granddaughter. What about Kenzie?” he asked.

“I’ll explain all of that later. Right now I need to get a move on and find boxes. I won’t be getting much sleep tonight, that’s for sure.”

Before he could respond, my little pumpkin called out from her crib. I loved hearing her sleepy voice when she just woke up. It was music to my ears.

“And the little pumpkin wants to grace us with her presence,” I joked as we both walked in the direction of her room.

It was me and her against the world right now. Everything could be figured out later. All I knew right now was that I’d never let my little girl not feel loved or wanted. We’d get through this somehow and she’d never know the difference because I wouldn’t allow her to. All my little Grace needed was her daddy, and she’d always have him.

“There’s my little pumpkin,” I praised as I walked into her room. She was rubbing her eyes and peering up at me through the bars.

I picked her up, and she cuddled into my neck the way she always did when she first woke up. There was one of two ways you’d find her. In a happy mood or in a bad one. If she woke up calling out for me, it meant a good mood. If she woke up crying someone was going to have hell to pay because she’d be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. I ran my hands up and down her back, holding her as close to me as I could allow. My heart broke for our new reality, but I couldn’t allow her to see it. I’d have to push my emotions back and hold them in for when I was alone. Then and only then would I take out my frustrations and anger.

She pulled her head back slightly and looked around the room.
Please don’t ask for your mommy?
I silently prayed. As she took in her surroundings, she finally noticed my dad standing behind me.

“Pop Pop,” she beamed as she clapped her hands and leaned toward him.

He took her from me and bounced her up and down, her laughter instantly causing me to laugh as well. The sound of her laugh was always contagious. It didn’t matter what kind of day I had, as long as I could hear that sound everything instantly became better.

“You want to go see Grams, baby?” he asked Grace.

She looked back over to me as if questioning if it was okay. I nodded my head letting her know she could go and that’s when the demanding diva broke loose.

“Go, Pop Pop. Go,” she demanded as she pointed to the door. She loved my mom something fierce. We’d video chat at least three times a week, and it was mostly because Grace would point to the computer and say their names. She was too smart for her own good sometimes.

“Yes we can go, pumpkin,” he stated with a laugh. He knew all too well how demanding that little diva could be.

“I’ll call your mother from the road it looks like. Don’t work too hard. We can get everything situated when I get back to pack up the trailers,” he replied. I knew he meant well, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep until it was all done. I didn’t want to stay here longer than I had to.

“I won’t, Pops. Call me when y’all get home,” I responded. I checked the bag that we kept by the door for Grace to make sure it had everything he’d need and walked him to the door.

“There’s an empty cup in the bag and a few juice boxes. Those should last you until you get home in a few hours and there’s plenty of diapers along with a few changes of clothes. If we hustle tomorrow we should be back home by ten at night,” I eagerly replied. I couldn’t wait to get out of the city and back home where I belonged.

“I think I can manage, Wes. I did help raise you after all,” he joked.

“Be good for Pop Pop okay, pumpkin,” I said to Grace and then kissed her on top of her head.

“Kay, Daddy,” she replied as she stuck her thumb in her mouth. No matter how hard I tried, she wouldn’t stop that habit.

“Oh, Pops, wait up,” I said, inwardly scolding myself at what he was about to leave behind.

I quickly ran into her room, and I grabbed the items then walked back out.

“You don’t want to forget these. She’ll be a bear to put to sleep if you do,” I replied as I handed him the fluffy, tattered blanket and the stuffed bear that had seen better days.

“Let’s not do that, shall we,” he responded as he took them from me. He hoisted Grace up in one arm and had the bag on the other.

“You need any help getting her in the truck? Do you have a car seat?” I asked. He usually kept one in there. Between mine and my brothers’ kids they always had a need for one.

“Nah. I got this. How about we get on the road, huh, Grace?” he asked as he looked down at her.

“Go bye bye, Pop Pop,” she mumbled through the thumb in her mouth.

“Guess we have our answer then,” my dad replied.

“Drive safe and don’t forget to call,” I reminded him.

“Always. I’m carrying precious cargo,” he replied.

I watched him get her in the truck and back out of the parking lot, then set off to complete the task at hand. I had to get rid of what I didn’t want and pack up the last two years of our lives. It was going to be a long night, but it would be worth it in the end. I couldn’t wait to smell that mountain air.

T
he dust flying
through the air as I shook out the throw cover instantly made me sneeze. Ever since I decided that I needed to move here, I’d been gradually revamping each room. This house hadn’t been lived in for twelve years. I had someone come in and check over things, but nothing major had been done. Hence, the need for me to get rid of all the grit and grime that had accumulated over the years. I’d been here for six months and I was just getting to the upstairs. I went through everything with a fine-toothed comb, refusing to move to the next room until all the furniture shined the way it used to and each of the rooms had my own personal touch added. Who knew that it took so much work to redecorate an entire house?

I was now in one of the four guest bedrooms, attempting to get all of the furniture uncovered when the throw cover got caught underneath my foot. Before I knew what was happening, I tumbled forward and landed in an awkward position on the floor. The scream that escaped my mouth as I hit the ground was inevitable. The pain that radiated from my knee instantly made me feel like a fool. The worst part was that no one was around the hear me. They were all working out on the farm today. My only two options were to lay here until I heard Clyde, the foreman for the ranch, to return or to attempt to get up and hobble my way downstairs. Since I refused to lay here in defeat, I decided on the latter.

I inched my way to the foot of the bed and used every bit of strength that I had to pull myself up from this awkward position, all the while attempting to keep weight off of my knee. Luckily, there seemed to be furniture at every turn and I’d always have something to hold onto as I made my way downstairs.

The normal one-minute walk took me thirty, but after several near falls, I finally made my way to the kitchen. The end was finally in sight. Even though this fall would set me back a day, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do much of anything with all of the pain I was experiencing at the moment. What hurt my heart even more, was the ride I was going to have to miss tonight on Shadow, my horse. Between the house and Shadow, I didn’t have much time to think. But there were instances where my thoughts would sneak up on me and before I could stop them, they’d rear their ugly head. Before that could happen today, I set my mind on the task of making it to the refrigerator so I could get some ice.

Twenty hops later and I was finally at my destination. After filling the bag with ice, I grabbed a towel out of the drawer beside the fridge and set off to lounge in the sitting room for the rest of the afternoon.

I got comfortable on the couch and stared up at the ceiling, attempting to envision the way I wanted each of the bedrooms upstairs to look. I’d thought about making one a library because the whole room had built-in bookshelves except for one wall, but I’d yet to make up my mind. I only had those four rooms left and the house would be complete. Just thinking about it made me cringe. I would have to find my next project long before this one was complete.

As I made the mental notes necessary to get the first bedroom where it needed to be, the screen door off the back of the house slammed shut. Clyde was back before he should be. That’s odd. Before I could sit completely up, Clyde appeared.

“Magdalena. Girl, what in the world happened to you?” he asked, the look on his face full of concern.

“My clumsiness got the best of me. What are you doing back so early?”

“You didn’t hear all of the commotion outside? Ralph twisted his ankle as we were fixing the fence on the back portion of the land. I’ve got Mike taking him to get checked out, but it looked pretty bad,” he replied.

This wasn’t good at all. Winter was coming in, and I knew that Clyde needed everyone he’d hired to get that fence replaced.

“I’m sorry that happened to him. Keep me posted on his condition. Do you think we need to find a replacement?” I questioned.

I hated to think of what that would entail, but Clyde was the best at what he did. I didn’t know anything about what it took to run this place. I just didn’t have the heart to sell it all those years ago. Thank goodness Clyde was more than willing to keep it running. I’d sold off most of it, but I’d kept Clyde around to tend to the animals and make sure the fields were cut. It wasn’t a working farm by any means anymore, but he’d been with my gramps the longest and I knew he would’ve wanted me to keep Clyde around.

“I’m going to make that call once I know the extent of it. Mike said he heard something snap, but I’m hoping that’s not the case. Hey, I need to run into town for some supplies, do you want to ride with me? It’ll do you some good to get out of the house,” he sneakily stated. He thought he was slick, but I knew his game.

“You know that’s not going to happen right,” I huffed as I fell back on the couch.

“Sitting around here all day and never leaving this house isn’t good for you,” he coaxed.

“I do get out. I ride on Shadow every night. Speaking of which, do you think you’d mind taking her out and brushing her or something. She doesn’t like it when she doesn’t get her daily dose of attention, and I don’t think I should attempt to hobble all the way out to the stable tonight,” I replied with a hint of laughter in my tone.

“After I get back, I’ll do just that,” he stated with a grin. I’d never seen the man with anything but a smile on his face. Except for the day Grams and Gramps passed away. That day was hard on us all.

* * *

“
M
agdalena
,” I heard Clyde shout out as he entered the house. I hadn’t realized that it’d been that long since he left. I’d made enough mental notes to last a lifetime while he was gone, but I felt like I’d had the perfect plan in place to get this house up to par in the next two months. I’d have to work my ass off, but it could be done as long as I didn’t hurt myself again.

“In the same spot you left me, Clyde,” I yelled out.

He walked into the room moments later with two glasses of sweet tea in his hands. This man knew the way to my heart. He handed me one glass and lifted my legs up on the couch so that he could sit underneath them. He got comfortable and lay my legs in his lap, looking over at me.

“How was shopping?” I asked after taking a sip of the heaven in a glass.

“I got everything I’d need for the next week. If all goes well we can get that portion of the fence and a few others fixed in a couple of weeks’ time,” he replied.

“Have you heard anything about Ralph yet?”

“Yeah, Mike called me just as I was coming back up the mountain. He broke his ankle in two different spots. He’ll be out of commission for a while. I’m going to have to find someone to replace him so we can get everything fixed up in time. I don’t want bad weather to hit without it being finished,” he responded.

This sucked. I hated the worried expression that came across his features when he gave me the bad news.

“How long do you think it will take you to find a replacement?” I questioned.

“Not long at all. I have someone in mind already. A friend of mine’s son just moved back home and needs something until he can find a more permanent position. I’m going to give him a call tomorrow and see what he says,” he confirmed.

Well then. There wasn’t anything to worry about.

“I trust your judgment, Clyde. You know that. No need to get my approval. Just make sure he fills out all of his paperwork for payroll. You know the drill,” I responded. It was so nice to have someone that I could trust to maintain the grounds of the farm.

“Yeah, yeah,” he laughed as he shook his head.

“I’m actually going to take you up on your offer, old man,” I joked.

“How’s that?” he asked, raising one eyebrow.

“I’m going to get out of the house tomorrow night. It’s Friday, and I should be out acting my age right?”

“About damn time, girl. How’s the knee?”

“Much better. It was just sore from the way I landed on it. I was just babying it a little longer. I’m about to get up and fix something for dinner. You want to stay and eat with me?”

“Nah. I gotta get back to the misses. You know the drill,” he laughed.

“Yeah. Give her my love,” I replied as I sat up to give him a hug goodbye.

He stood and leaned, giving me a kiss on top of my head as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

“Night, Clyde. Get some rest tonight.”

“Night, sweet pea,” he replied. Hearing the nickname he and my grandparents always called me brought a smile to my face. It’s the little memories that caught me off guard at times, only this memory made me feel good instead of gutting me like most of the others.