Desire Disguised (24 page)

“He’s fine. I can see him easily.” Ben wanted to reassure her so she could relax and continue enjoying herself. He also wanted to touch her and kiss her, and not being able to was a torment. She’d kept her distance, and he’d respected that. It made him very unhappy, but that seemed to be standard for everything about this situation.

“I know.” Cara looked over at him, and her expression morphed from observing everything around her to gazing solely at him. He felt warmer as she smiled at him and edged closer, the people around them not taking notice as they all stared at the unlucky competitors. “Thank you for walking with us. I was losing courage the more crowded it became.”

“I hardly think you lack for courage.” Cara’s eyes twinkled at his praise, and she leaned toward him, her face turned up as if for a kiss, and he was incredibly tempted. She seemed almost happy for a moment, and if he could only pretend this was their future, everything would be so much more enjoyable. With a start he noticed she slid her fingers along the back of his hand, and he tightened it to a fist so he wouldn’t grab hold of her and pull her close. Her eyes narrowed, and her smile dimmed as she drew her hand away.

“I’m sorry. I should have known better.”

Ben’s frustration flared. He knew it would be better, easier for both of them, if they stayed away from each other, but blast and afterburn, there was nothing inherently wrong with hand-holding. With a shake of his head he reached out for her and wrapped his fingers around her cool hand, pressing his thumb into her palm as she widened her eyes.

“Like you said, it’s getting more crowded. I want to keep track of where you are.”

Her lips curved, and she nodded once before she turned back to watch Mat. At this point in the game, no one had succeeded, and there was a lot of good-natured joking going on. The hustler called out for new volunteers, and Mat sent an anxious look back at his sister. She shrugged, and the boy grinned as he stepped forward and raised his hand to signal his willingness to try.

There were cries of encouragement from the crowd and while everyone was focused on the spinning game components, Ben took the opportunity to squeeze Cara’s hand. He watched the side of her face as she smiled and squeezed back. For two people who had spent so much intimate time together, it surprised him that such a simple caress could make him so aroused.

A blast of noise from the game booth distracted him from Cara, and Ben watched as Mat deftly maneuvered his game piece onto one of the swaying targets to the delight of the watching crowd. The boy jumped up and down with excitement, and Cara shivered next to him. Lights flickered and brightened as the hustler announced Mat was a winner while handing him something small. Mat stared at his prize and glanced up to accept the congratulations of people as he made his way back to them. Cara reached for her brother and released Ben’s hand. Was that going to be the last time he’d touch her?

“What was the prize?” she asked, leaning her head close to Mat’s as they both stared at the small black cube in his hand.

“It’s a module loaded with temp marks!” Mat exclaimed, and Cara frowned at her thrilled sibling.

“Absolutely not. You know that’s unacceptable.” She shook her head and lowered her brows. Ben wasn’t sure what the problem could be. They were temporary after all. They’d be bright and shiny for a few hours and then begin a slow disintegration.

“But I
won
them.”

She thinned her lips and glared at her brother as if he asked to solo pilot a skip shuttle up to the jump ring. “No. We aren’t to make ourselves distinctive in any way.”

Ben sighed, unsure if he should put himself between brother and sister. He’d done it once before and it had been a tricky proposition. He didn’t think he wanted to weigh in on something as trivial as a temporary mark, especially since his connection with Cara was so tenuous.

“What do you think, Ben? It’s not a big deal, is it?” Mat successfully managed to drag him into the conflict. Cara turned her gaze to him, and he detected a warning flash in her eyes.

“They do wear off quickly, but I think your sister is cautious for the right reasons.” The Belascos glared at him, and he realized in his effort not to take a side, he’d offended both. Before he could say something additionally foolish, a voice calling out to Mat broke their train of thought. It was both Healy boys, rushing up and demanding to see the prize, as their mother trailed along with a weary air.

“It’s good to see you again, Cara. You’re looking well. And, Chief Zashi, are you undercover tonight?”

“Just trying to enjoy the evening’s offerings.”

“Then let’s hope there are no fires or fights. And in the interest of keeping the peace, it’s about time for the Healys to head home. Mat, how would you like to sleep over tonight? There’s no school tomorrow morning, so no need to be up early.”

Mat regarded his sister with hope in his eyes. “Please, Cara, it’ll be my last chance.”

“Last chance? Not hardly.” Gina grinned at Mat and patted his shoulder. “We like having this guy around.”

“Cit. Healy, we’re leaving soon,” Cara explained. “But thank you for asking. It’s very kind, and I know Mat will appreciate it.”

As Mat slapped Ermil and Perrin’s hands in some elaborate victory display, the other woman tilted her head back and glanced between Ben and Cara as if she was trying to understand something.

“I’m sorry to hear it, truly.” Gina opened her mouth as if she was going to say more, but after a quizzical glance at Ben she redirected her attention to her boys. “So what do you say, fellows, shall we give Mat here a great going away party?”

Her sons whooped and hopped with excitement as Mat promised full use of his new supply of temporary marks. After Cara had made arrangements for what time she’d collect him in the morning, she and Ben watched Mat as he disappeared in the crowd, busily talking to his friends as their mother shepherded them away from some of the more risqué booths just opening for business now that night was falling.

He was alone with Cara, and his stomach hurt. He was in love with this woman, and she would never know it. She turned his way and sighed.

“Are you hungry? We could get something to eat.”

She shook her head and focused on his shoulder, not meeting his eyes.

“Would you like to shop? I saw some clothing racks on the other side.”

“No.”

“How about playing a game?” Ben fumbled now. Perhaps she just wanted to be escorted back to the barracks so she could attend to Soren and pack since Mat was now occupied. If they hadn’t had this estrangement, if she wasn’t leaving, he’d suggest they go find a convenient bed and spend the remainder of the evening pleasing each other. Afterward she might declare her feelings for him which would allow him to share his own. And then what? They’d live happily ever after for a few more hours until she left the planet?

Cara huffed out a sigh, and her gaze drifted to his. Her eyes were warm as a tiny smile played at her lips. “Before, having Mat away for the evening would have been a great convenience.”

“I was thinking the same thing.” Ben couldn’t help his body’s sudden tensing in response to her open expression.

“But now there’s Soren.”

“Not at my rooms.” Ben held his breath; it was as daring an invitation as he could bring himself to make.

Her eyelids fluttered, and she might have blushed. There were a lot of strange-colored lights in the area, so she could have just been illuminated by a stray delicate pink beam, but he didn’t think so.

“Would you play for me?”

“If you’d like. Will you sing for me?”

A tear leaked from the corner of her eye, and he wanted to wipe it away, reach for her, and hold her tight. They were surrounded by people who’d gawk and stare, talk and speculate, so he held back and waited for her to decide.

“I’ve wanted to hear you for a while.” Cara straightened her shoulders and tentatively reached her hand out. He caught it up and held as tightly as he dared, not at all concerned with who might observe now that he knew they’d be together again, perhaps for the last time. He didn’t want to dwell on that but instead be thankful for what he had.

*

Something wild had come to rest under Cara’s breastbone, and she walked faster as it fluttered there. For some reason, as soon as she’d heard Gina Healy mention a going-away party for Mat, her brain had shouted
and one for Cara too
. Her determination to keep Ben at arm’s length before they left, to spare herself horribly emotional scenes and galaxies of regret, melted away as she touched his hand and he walked with her. She wanted to be with him again, in fact, if he was willing, she’d like to spend the rest of her time on Gamaliel by his side, and damn the pain it would cause when she’d have to leave.

He was silent as they maneuvered their way through the gawkers jostling along the brightly lit entertainments. The different shops and pods offering services had magically grown from the sides of the ship. She’d been fascinated by the display at first, but the idea of tasting Ben, feeling his body slide against hers, hearing the low rumbles he made when he cuddled her, made all the wild colors and lights fade to pastel. She slowed as she faced an enormous glut of people standing in a group, watching someone shoot multicolored lasers from her fingertips to spell out names on the shiny hull of the ship.

Ben slid an arm around her waist and diverted them through a small, darkened opening along the side of the ship. They walked underneath the skin of the lander, and as the noise of the entertainments and attendees faded, she could hear the low thrum of the ship’s perpetual engines surrounding them. Metal curved around, and they were suddenly in a dim, enclosed space. Before she could react, he circled his arms around her and pulled her close for a kiss. It had been two days since their last caress, and all the nerves in her body flared to life as his tongue touched hers. How was she going to survive without this?

*

Ben wanted to return to her warm mouth and feel her smile against his lips again. Something shook loose inside him, and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to take more than stolen moments with this woman. He could be a coward and tell her later when they were naked and vulnerable with each other, but that would be too easy for both of them to ignore in the morning. Gathering his courage as if he was going into a burning structure, he spoke and watched her face for any clues she might give.

“Cara, I know ever since we’ve met, I’ve been asking the questions, expecting the truth from you. So, now it’s my turn to tell you something. I love you.”

She went still in his arms, not breathing or making a sound for what seemed like several agonizing minutes. This had been a mistake, all of it. He never should have kissed her that first time. He never should have touched her, or gotten involved with her life. His stomach felt as if it was trying to escape out his body via his throat, and he wondered how he could extract himself politely before he threw up.

“You what?”

“I shouldn’t have said it, you have enough—” Ben stumbled to a halt as he stared at her. She wasn’t gaping in surprise or weeping with happiness. Her brows were furrowed, and there was a confused expression in her eyes. He tried not to feel let down as he reminded himself she had lived a very sheltered and unexpressive life. Cara didn’t know how to react, other than with caution and deliberation.

“Say it again.”

Ben swallowed; in for a mark, in for a fortune. “I love you, Cara. I wanted you to know before you left.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to be honest with you and not leave things unsaid.”

“No, why do you love me? How do you know?”

Ben took a breath. Cara stared at him but hadn’t backed away. In fact, her grip on his shoulders had tightened. How was it possible they were having this conversation at such a time? For stars sake, they were squeezed in under the belly of an entertainment ship so they could have a moment of privacy. Hardly the most romantic place to declare himself. Trying to organize his thoughts, Ben wondered how someone as inarticulate as him would manage this.

“I can’t help it. I can’t look away from you. I can’t not think about you. I’ve tried to keep my distance, but I’m always trying to find you. I don’t know why this works between us. You’re like a fire in my heart.”

“
Yes
. Do you feel dizzy when we touch each other and sick to your stomach when we don’t?” Cara peered at him, her mouth turned down. When he nodded, she did too. “I feel that way all the time. I kept telling myself to go to medical. So, I love you too.”

She sounded surprised. Ben was too, so surprised he was a complete and utter blank. They loved each other. Now what?

The thought of that impending shuttle making its way to Gamaliel intruded on his thoughts like the diminishing clock of an explosive detonator. He wanted to beg her to stay, watch her cancel her and Mat’s flights, make plans for dinners together for months in advance.

With one brief shake of his head, he kissed her, pushing away from his dread of tomorrow with every touch of his lips to hers. He held her close and breathed in time with her respirations.

After a few more stolen moments, he stopped and stared at her, the violet skin of the ship framing her anxious face. “We don’t have much time.”

“No time at all,” Cara blurted out and clenched her hands against his back.

“Let’s take what we can.” No time to waste indeed, and he wanted her very badly now.

*

Ben grasped her hand and led her out from under the ship, the noise and lights gradually overwhelming them as they emerged on the other side, closer to the barracks and some privacy. It wasn’t nearly as shocking as what he’d just said, or what she’d said in return. As Cara repeated the word love to herself, she stumbled on a lump of mud and he steadied her. As he always had. Ben loved her, and she loved him. It was an amazing idea. Rather than think about having to leave him, she began to fantasize about him finding her wherever Soren might end up hiding them.

Several people nodded or spoke greetings at Ben as they walked, most shot glances at Cara, and she tilted her face away, uncomfortable with their attention. As they left behind the celebration, the street of Pearl was dark and quiet in contrast to the overwhelming chaos of the ship. Cara sighed out a breath of relief, and Ben drew her closer. They’d be together soon, have some quiet so she could absorb what had happened. Before she could decide what to say, a voice called out Ben’s name, and he halted, his head hanging low for a second. When she gave him an inquiring look, he shook his head.