Denying Heaven (Room 103) (24 page)

“How ironic” I scoffed as
Imagine Dragon’s, Nothing
left to say
blasted through my eardrums from the epic volume I had the
stereo on. “Cheers arsehole,” I toasted as I lifted my milk and saluted Bulk’s
image I my head.

Where had I gone wrong?

I had thought embarrassing myself on stage, singing a
song to him would make him turn and declare his undying love for me.

Romance novels, huh?

Oh yeah, only in there! How foolish of me!

“Oh piss off!” I shouted to the neighbours above as they
hammered on the floor at the level of noise I was disturbing them with, “It
saves having to listen to your fucking bed springs. You need a new bed, love!”
I shouted back as they swore back at me through my ceiling.

‘Below my soul,
I feel an engine,
Collapsing as it sees the pain,
If I could only shut it out,
I've come too far,
To see the end now,
Even if my way is wrong,
I keep pushing on and on and on and on.’
I sang along with Dan Reynolds.

There's nothing left to say now,
there’s nothing left to say now,

I'm giving up, giving up, hey
hey, giving up now,
I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now,
 

There's nothing left to say
now,
there’s nothing left to say now,

I'm giving up, giving up, hey
hey, giving up now,

I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey,
giving up now.’

I stared into the night through the window as I massaged
my growing belly, “Just you and me kidda.”

My voice was optimistic but my heart felt far from that
and I grumbled to myself as a knock came on the door. “Ooh, what do ya’ bet its
Gertrude upstairs, babe.” I groaned as I patted my belly and hauled my body to
the door.

“The nut house is down the road…” I started as I opened
the door but stuttered to a mumble when Bulk stared at me, a slight amused but
cautious smile on his face.

“I must have the wrong place then.” He smirked but then
straightened his face as he took in my expression.

“What do you want?”

He exhaled heavily and lowered his eyes, “I came to say
goodbye and… and apologise for earlier.”

“No need.”

He pursed his lips as his eyes narrowed on me, “Don’t be
stubborn, Spirit.” He pushed past me and walked into the hallway, “We need to
sort stuff out about the baby.”

I scoffed and shook my head in bewilderment, “What the
fuck, Bulk? I said that to you earlier and you said there was nothing to sort
out, so guess what? There is nothing to sort out.”

He frowned and dropped his gaze to my mouth then snapped
quickly back up to my eyes, “What?”

“You heard me. I can handle things. Being a single parent
can’t be that hard, millions of women do it.”

He was quiet as I carried on, turning my back on him and
slipping into the bedroom to put on my robe. I didn’t appreciate the way his
eyes kept skimming over my chest, my nipples rebelling and hardening with
Bulk’s closeness, making them obvious through the thin material of my vest.

“What?” he repeated and I rolled my eyes.

“Are you having trouble understanding English?”

His face darkened and I shivered slightly with the anger
crossing his handsome face but I was on a roll, too far gone with his rejection
to give a fuck what he thought. “I said – I don’t need you. Is that clear
enough?”

He took a step towards me as his chest heaved with my
casualness, “Oh it’s very clear, honey. But let
me
make one thing
clear
.”
He stopped before me and titled my head back with a finger under my chin. I
snatched my face away but his thumb and finger seized onto me, holding my face
locked on his as he leant in further.

“This is my baby too; my son and I won’t let you keep me
out of his life. I told you, Spirit, I wanted to be a hands on dad.”

My jaw dropped as a bark of humorous laughter erupted
from me before full blown belly laughs were filling the room and I grabbed hold
of Bulk’s arm to steady myself. “You…” I shook my head in humour and pointed at
him, “You really think you can be hands on from America? Tell me, how long do
you think your arms really are? I know you have a big ten and a quarter inch dick
but I don’t think your arms are in proportion with that.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. What the fuck was he on? I was
supposed to be the druggie between us but I think Bulk was having a surreal
moment if he thought he could be involved from bloody America.

The laughter died as I found myself backed up against the
wall, my arse hitting the plaster with a thud and I growled angrily at him.

His chest heaved considerably, his teeth biting into his
lower lip as he pressed his thighs into my hips and clasped the tops of my
arms. “I told you, Spirit, don’t – fucking – growl – at – me!”

Jesus fucking Christ.

“Are you high?” I asked with amazement.

“Are you?” he bit back nastily as his eyes fired with
anger and I scoffed at his belief in me.

“Not a fucking grain. And thanks for the vote of
confidence.”

He blinked when he realised how his loss of faith had
hurt me. “I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry.”

He sighed heavily and moved away, backing off and letting
me move again as he ran his hands over his head in agitation.

“Bulk, just go home. There is no point you being here and
I’m sure you have plenty of packing to do. You came to say goodbye, well
goodbye. Have nice life.”

He frowned at me and I wasn’t sure how long I was able to
keep up with the façade as he looked at me sadly, “I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry.
I get that you’re angry with me Spirit but…”

“Angry? Angry? Jesus Christ, you are fucking
unbelievable, you know that? What the hell do you want from me Bulk? I’m
fucking dizzy with it all. I am exhausted and I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.”
My voice broke and I hissed at myself as my restraint started to slip. I needed
to be strong, for my baby’s sake… and mine because I knew if I let go, I would
never be able to hold it all back and I thought I might actually go crazy with
it all.

“Spirit...”

“No. NO! Bulk, just stop. You either want me or you
don’t. It is as simple as that. There is nothing,
nothing
holding you
back so why do this?”

“You know, Spirit, you know why I can’t do this?”

I shook my head sadly at him. He would never let go and I
don’t think I even had the energy to untie the rope that tied him to his past.
It was impossible and I didn’t have the heart to fight him anymore, “Go.” I
whispered as I stared at him dejectedly.

“Don’t look at me like that. You have no idea how
different I want this to be, Spirit. How much I want you. How much I am
struggling with not being able to touch you, to hold you and kiss you; to make
it all okay. How much pain I have at watching myself tear you to bits” he spat
angrily.

“But yet you do it.”

“Fuck Spirit. I… I can’t let go, I want to, God I want to
so much but I promised her, I fucking promised her and…” He shook his head
rapidly as his inner turmoil started to consume him.

"God damn it, Bulk! I can't compete with a ghost; I
can't fight a damn shadow!" I bit back, so damn angry with his easy
defeat.

He glared at me; his face inches from mine as the fire
and hatred burnt through me and seared my heart, "I don't want you to
fight her for me, Spirit. You can never win!"

I stared in shock, my jaw slack and low. Did he actually
realise what he had just said? I shook my head in distress as my temper finally
broke and shattered all restraint.

"GOD DAMN IT, SHE'S GONE BULK. SHE IS FUCKING
DEAD!"

The look on his face shattered my soul and I covered my
face with my hands so I wouldn’t have to look at the overwhelming grief covering
him, but I could feel it seeping into my bones and chilling me from the outside
in as his torment finally spewed from him in abundance, his inner hell ripping
into me and crushing my own heart as I heard a choked whimper splatter the air
and hit me full on. It was quiet but the devastation in it made my blood still
and my lungs constrict.

I opened my eyes and my own desolate whimper surged at
the sight of him as his legs wobbled and his skin paled until I thought he was
going to pass out.

What had I done? What had I done to him?

Remember, face your terror and show him. Remember,
face your terror and show him
.

I grabbed his hand and he let me, his horror at my words
rendering him passive and dumbstruck. His brow flinched when I pulled him but I
kept pulling him, dragging him hard and sturdily as my determination gave me
strength.

He was still shaking his head rapidly as I yanked him
with me, my body backing up bit by bit until it hit what I needed and Bulk’s
eyes widened on me.

My breathing was rapid and heavy as I started to pant and
took another step back, my heart screaming as my mind started to vibrate but I
pulled harder, my spirit grabbing the reins and tugging with me until my back
hit the wall.

I started to tremble but my soul climbed aboard and joined
in, its potency was astounding and I reached out, clenched my teeth and stared
straight at him as I flicked the switch and covered us in a spray of warm
water.

The screaming in my head was agonising as I shivered
violently. I was blowing rapid pants as I grabbed onto whatever was helping me
through this and made it give more, made it give me the force to do this, made
it rear up and fucking fight with a violent urgency.

I took a step sideways and poised myself straight under
the flow of the water, its angry torrent blasting my head with what felt like
knives as I started to lose my fight and my knees buckled.

I shook my head in desperation as I tried to battle it
with everything I had, as I started to chant at a screaming level, my chest
heaving as I stared at Bulk.

“I love you. I love you. I love you… I LOVE YOU, I LOVE
YOU… I…”

“I love you…” he finished for me as we both dropped to
our knees and clung on in desperation.

A loud sob erupted from us both, the distraught blast hitting
the tiles and echoing around the shower cubicle as he palmed my face tightly,
“I love you, I love you…”

His tears came thick and fast as something broke inside
him with each word and the most anguished heart breaking sound roared from
within him as he cupped my face in both despair and liberation.

His cries were loud as he wiped away the tears that were
streaming down my face. “I love you… I love you, Spirit. I LOVE YOU…” he
finally screamed as his chest heaved with each of his agonized howls.

My body was beginning to shut down with my terrifying
phobia as the water continued to pound on me, each strike of water reproducing
a crack of the showerhead on my skull. My rapid breathing was making me
light-headed but I bolted myself to the floor, desperate to show him, to show
him, just as Shona had told me.

‘When I look into your eyes,
It's like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
Well, there's so much they hold,
And just like them old stars,
I see that you've come so far,
To be right where you are,
How old is your soul?’

His weak velvety voice grabbed me and held me up as he
sang
Jason Mraz’s, I won’t give
up
quietly but effortlessly.

‘Well, I won't give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up,
And when you're needing your space,
To do some navigating,
I'll be here patiently waiting,
To see what you find.’

My lungs filled and my brain stilled as my blood calmed
just to listen to his beautiful voice. The strength in his tone, lifting and
lifting until he was singling loudly, his hands touching me everywhere as his
eyes locked me down and fed me courage as I started to sing with him.

'Cause even the stars they burn,
Some even fall to the earth,
We've got a lot to learn,
God knows we're worth it,
No, I won't give up.
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily,
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make,
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use,
the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake.
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend,
for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn,
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in,
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.’

 He shifted me until I was straddled on his knees, my
hands on his chest as his slid around my neck and cupped my head gently as he
nodded in encouragement and raised his voice until he was urging me along and
carrying me through the fear as the water pelted down and drenched us.

‘I won't give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up, still looking up.
Well, I won't give up on us,
God knows I'm tough enough,
We've got a lot to learn,
God knows we're worth it.
I won't give up on us,
even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up.’

We stared silently at each other for a long time, both of
us feeding off the other’s gaze as we both started to breathe normally and Bulk
lifted his hand and placed it between my breasts.

“I love you River Phoenix Jolene Spirit Brannigan. I love
you” he whispered as he tapped me twice.