Denying Heaven (Room 103) (10 page)

“You know, it’s actually quite… hot!” Boss murmured as
his eyes bonded with the PC screen. I turned and stared at him. “Just saying,”
He grimaced and quickly snapped the lid closed as Jen snarled at him.

Jax remained his usual quiet self but I could hear his
questions in the silence. To say his vocabulary was limited he was wise beyond
his years. His simple conversational skills had allowed him to take a step back
in life and listen, and watch.

“What?” I snapped at him.

“Calm the fuck down, Bulk.”

I sighed and shook my head, “You know, just for once it
would be nice if you could extend the use of your English language skills and
provide some decent conversation.”

His eyebrows lifted and his lips twisted, “Did I fuck
her?”

My jaw dropped and I stared at him in shock, “What?”

He stood upright, his whole being giving off a fury as he
took two steps to reach me. His hands thumped on the arms of the chair as he
braced it, his frame fencing mine as he curled a lip at me. “You need to drag
it in. I didn’t fuck her, Boss didn’t either. Don’t be pissed with us! You hear
me, Bulk?”

Okay, he had heeded my words and let his flow. I was
tempted to keep going and annoy him more just to see what else he parted with.

“You’re just about the only fucks she didn’t fuck!” I
spat back as my stomach revolted with my words, with the images assaulting my
head.

“And you?” he asked as he remained hovering over me with
angry eyes.

I frowned, unsure of what he meant. “How many fucks you
been through?” he reiterated, changing his words so I understood but it didn’t work.

 “What the hell, Jax. What the fuck are you on about?”

“Ask! Ask her.”

“Like fuck!” I scoffed back, “It’s pretty clear by her
face she enjoyed the damn gang bang. She was fucking them right back!”

The pictures of the hands, the mouths… the numerous dicks
on her, at her, all over her...
in her
, bent my brain and I swallowed
back the nausea.

“Ever had a threesome, Bulk?” It was Romeo who asked this
particular question and I shot my face to his when his reproving tone got my
back up.

“Yeah Romeo, you know I have but fuck, that was
definitely not a threesome. There were six of the bastards. Oh, and don’t
forget the little Chinese girl, we mustn’t forget her, her god damn lips were
all over my woman’s tits.”

They all stared at me. Hell, I even stared at me. What
the fuck had I just said? What the fuck had I called her?

I closed my eyes and pulled in a deep breath as I felt
Jen’s grin on me. “Don’t!” I warned without opening my eyes, “It was a slip of
the tongue.”

“Uh-huh.” She murmured but I could still feel the wide
happy smile.

Damn this fucking woman!

The door banged and banged again… and banged again. “Hold
the fuck on, we’re coming!” Romeo shouted as he slipped from the room.

“Seriously Bulk, what ya’ gonna do?” Boss asked and I
shook my head sternly at him.

“Nothing!”

“But…” Jen started and I held my hand up at her.

“But nothing, Jen. Whatever it was, it’s over.”

“FUCK!” Romeo shouted from the hallway and everybody shot
up as Janey marched into the room, over to me and rammed her fist straight into
my cheek bone.

“You fucking arsehole. You’ve done it again!”

Was this fucking woman crazy?

“What the fuck, you mad bitch!” I spat at her as I
cracked my jaw back into place but she was too fuelled to back down. She was manic,
her eyes were bulging and her make-up was smeared across her face, giving her a
feral look.

“Why the hell can’t you just stand by her, support her?”

“Janey, the…” I gulped back the disrespectful term on my
lips and glared at her, “Spirit has made a fucking porno. How the hell am I
supposed to support that? Invite all my friends over and make another with her?
See if she can take ten this time?”

Holy Fuck! Her palm fired across my face this time. I was
getting ready to bind her fucking hands behind her back any minute and staple
the wild cow to the wall.

“And now he’s got his claws back in! Are you happy now?
Are you happy that you’ve sent that girl to the gates of hell?”

“What the hell are you on about?”

“Why do you think she’s like she is, Bulk? Kenny’s
constant reminder of her shitty life in her ear, his relentless mindfuck. He’s
destroying her piece by fucking piece.”

I stared in confusion, “I don’t understand. You’re not
making sense.”

She sighed deeply in an effort to control her anger. “He
wants her, Bulk and he’ll do anything…
Anything
to have her. Who do you
think released the video?”

“What?” I stuttered. Kenny? Why the hell would Kenny
betray Spirit? “You knew about the video? Kenny knew?” I scoffed as I glowered
at her.

“Yes, we both knew. It was Kenny who made the video,
Bulk. Who do you think supplies her in coke? Him. So he can keep her right
where he wants her,” she added more quietly. “He released it because she was
getting close to you and he didn’t like that, he wants her. Well, I don’t have
proof but...”

My veins raged as my bones shook in fury. My whole
essence was overtook with a fury that I had only ever experienced once before
but this time, this fucking time, it was so much worse. It was threatening to
engulf me as the white rage surged through my body and the obligatory violence
smothered me. My chest heaved as I fought to control the storm and I jerked
when I felt a soft hand on my arm.

“Bulk, calm down,” Jen eyed me wearily but I just stared
at her, my eyes wide with uncontrollable thunder. “Sweetheart, breathe.”

I forced air through my nose, dragging it down deep as I
clung to Jen’s soothing tones and frantically strived to douse the fire.

My hands gripped at my head as I squeezed my eyes closed
and hauled it back. Not again, fuck not again! I hadn’t experienced one of
these for five years. Why the hell now?

“Because you love her” Jen whispered as she astutely read
the question in my silent turmoil.

I gazed at her as her eyes held mine softly and her lips
smiled gently.

“Yes” I whispered back simply, honestly and frigging unquestionably,
“God, yes. Yes, I do.”

She nodded her head with tight frantic movements as a
tear slid down her cheek. “Go get her, Bulk. It’s time.”

My heart convulsed as the pain banged hard against the
walls of it, but for once my soul took hold of the hammer and hindered its
agony; barred the torment from engulfing me and stealing my hopes. My guts
pulled up their big girl pants, slung their shoulders back and screamed a big ‘Fuck
yes’… a huge, epic ‘Fuck yes’.

Jen nodded again and I nodded back with determination.

“She’s gone” Janey whispered sombrely beside me and I
spun round to her.

“What? What? What do you mean, she’s gone?”

Her sad eyes whisked over my face before her face paled.
“Kenny… he got her on the first plane and took her back. You’re too late.”

***

“Come on Brent, don’t be an arse.”

Brent snorted and quirked a brow, “No, No way. I told
you, they’re gone; flew back first thing. I’ve got Platform 2 coming in to
cover.”

I cast a hesitant look at Jax who growled deeply before
giving Brent my best doe eyes, which is quite hard when you’re six foot six and
covered in piercings. “There is no way we’re gonna share a stage with Sed
Tyler, no way.”

Brent shrugged, “Then walk.”

What the fuck?

“What the fuck, Brent. I think you’re forgetting who pays
your damn wages.” I snarled as Boss rested a hand on my arm.

“Bulk, chill out mate.”

“I can’t fucking chill out, Boss. Spirit is back at the
other side of the country with a guy that force feeds her drugs, blackmails her
and has probably got her legs wrapped around him already. No! No, damn it!” I
flared, the images my words had set in my head hauling my guts through my
throat. “All I’m asking is that you postpone the gig for a few days, just while
I go fetch her.”

“Jesus Christ Bulk, what part of no don’t you understand?
If I bring back River’s Ink the sales on this tour will plummet. She’s ruined
so many sales already, people don’t respond well to whores.”

Romeo and Jax were on me in seconds as I ploughed my body
forward, ready to rip the fucker’s throat out. “Don’t ever call her that
again!” I spat as my clenched fists started to sweat in their need to grind
Brent’s face.

He sighed and nodded with an apology when he realised
he’d gone too far but he still didn’t back down. “Look, I’m sorry, I really am,
but I just can’t risk it, Bulk. And before you storm off, think of your band
mates, your fans who have travelled half way across the world to see you. You
can’t just cancel over a girl.”

I turned to look at the others. They were willing to back
me up but I still couldn’t do that to them. Walking out of the tour would ruin
them, ruin Room 103 and we… they’d fought so hard over the previous years to
get here.

I closed my eyes in defeat before I nodded.

“Bulk!” Jen shouted, “What the hell are you doing?”

I turned to her, hardening myself, hardening my heart
before I locked her down, “This is my life Jen, and these guys are more
important than a woman I barely know, a woman who didn’t even think about
letting me know she’d made a God damn porn movie years ago. I obviously wasn’t
that important to her.” I shrugged before I turned and walked away, leaving the
group staring after me.

I could feel the coldness crawling through my body and
freezing everything it touched as it coated and swathed my insides with denial.
I could physically feel the chill cloak my heart and solidify as it attached to
the organ and encased it in ice.

My mind however, that was a different matter as it
refused to release the images from my head; denied my want to forget her and
forbade me to shut her out. But I would, even if it killed me in the process.

    
I needed a fix so bad. My whole
body hummed with need. My brain felt swollen and heavy and my stomach churned.
But the latter was nothing to do with my withdrawal.

“Fuck Spirit, so good babe.”

I moaned in response. Knowing it was expected and
essential, I never failed in that particular duty.

I had been off the drugs and booze for five weeks now but
it still felt like it was years since my last hit, or just yesterday, whichever
way was the hardest.

“Come on, babe.”

I groaned deep and tightened my thighs as I frowned at
the light bulb. There was a huge dust web linking it to the curtain and I
curled my lip at it. That would be tackled later.

“Fuck yeah; I’m coming, fuck, so hard.”

I turned my face into the crook of Kenny’s neck and
tightened my body to fake my orgasm. His hips thrust a couple more times before
he stilled and growled in my ear.

He rolled over with a deep sigh and turned his face
towards me, “What time you at work?”

“Six.” I answered as I swung my legs out of bed and
reached for the packet of fags off the floor. Staring out of the window as I
lit up, I dragged down deep and closed my eyes at the faint relief the nicotine
brought.

I felt Kenny shift behind me as a small bag landed in my
lap. “My girl deserves a treat.” He grinned before planting a kiss on my head
and made his way to the bathroom.

I stared at the bag. The small amount of snow making my
mouth water and I sank my teeth into my lip as my breathing accelerated and my
blood danced in my veins.

“You can do this, you can do this…”

“Do what?” Kenny asked when I didn’t hear him enter back
into the room.

I covered my mouth, feigning illness before I dashed from
the room and slammed the bathroom door shut behind me, locking it quickly
before he followed me in.

“You okay, Spirit?” He shouted through the door.

I stared blindly at the toilet cistern as I pictured the
thin line of coke laid out neatly on it, waiting for me, taunting me,
exhilarating me.

“Yeah, just a dodgy gut, I’m ok.” I answered as my hands
shook when I pulled open the bag. I held my finger over the opening, counselling
myself to have just a quick rub over my gums as my heart screamed its caution
at me.

I closed my eyes. The image of blood materialised, so
much blood. Blood everywhere, all over the floor, all over me; pools of vomit
and bile beside me; the raw pain that took my consciousness.

I bit my lip and tipped the bag over the loo, both
relishing and weeping at the sight of the powder sprinkling over the toilet
water.

Palming the flush handle, I closed my eyes to provide the
last bit of strength I needed and twisted my wrist.

The gush of water settled my stomach. The knowledge that
it was gone eased the temptation slightly but my veins constricted in anger as
my blood chilled.

I pulled in another drag of smoke as I slumped against
the bath. I hated that I had taken to smoking but… it was the only thing that
was seeing me through the lonely withdrawal and the ache in my heart.

I thought he would have come for me. Flown back and taken
me as his.

His face still terrorised my dreams, the devastation and
repulsion that had covered his handsome features was constantly on replay in my
head.

I didn’t deserve him, I know I didn’t but I just thought…
thought that maybe… maybe one day God would forgive me and… and give me a slice
of peace.

 I wanted the fairy-tale, but instead I got the
nightmare.

“Spirit?” Kenny banged hard on the door and I pulled in a
dense breath as I lifted myself off the floor and opened the door after donning
a huge leery grin and heavy eyes. “Stuff any good?”

I nodded as a pretend giggle left my lips and Kenny
smirked, “Good girl.” The palm of his hand cracked across my bare arse and I
forced an excited yelp, “Come on get ready, I’ll drop you off on the way to
Roy’s.”

I swallowed and nodded as my stomach tightened with the
thought of work. I hated the damn place, “Thanks.”

He nodded as he bounded the stairs and I slowly retreated
back to the bedroom as my phone rang.

“Hey, darlin’” I answered when I saw Janey’s name on the
screen.

“Babe, busy?”

“Just getting ready for work.” I answered as I pulled the
special
underwear from my drawer.

“Work, is that what you call it?” she scoffed with
contempt and I sighed.

“Janey…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Listen, I have two tickets for Halo
at the weekend, please….”

“I dunno, Janey.” I answered as I cast a nervous glance
at the door, “You know Kenny doesn’t like…”

“I don’t give a camels fuck what Kenny likes or doesn’t.
Do you share a pair of lungs? Does Kenny breathe for you? No, he doesn’t so I
think that means you control your own life.”

I sighed. It was no use arguing with her when she was
like this. I would just have to come up with a good excuse. “Okay, okay.”

She squealed in delight as I held the phone away from my
ear. “You rock my awesome sidekick.”

I rolled my eyes as I fumbled to fasten my bra
one-handed, “I’m off. You in tonight?”

“Aren’t I always when you’re at that shithole?”

“And you know that I love you for that.” I said with a
deep affection.

Janey had been my rock over the last few months. She had
never blamed me once for the demise of River’s Ink. Eric had virtually tried to
strangle me as he raged a string of profanities at me.

Kenny, well Kenny, as much as I loathed him, as much as I
hated the thought of him inside me, touching me, had also been there to support
me. He had taken control and organised everything when we came home.

He had sorted my rent arrears out for me when my landlord
threatened me with eviction, he had found me a job and even though I hated it,
it still paid the bills. He had arranged a tab with my dealer for me until I
started to bring money in.

And he had never once blamed me for the ruin of his
career and I would forever be grateful to him for that. The least I could do
was let him between my legs.

Did that make me a whore? Probably, but to be honest, I
had leaned on him when we returned and he had let me lean. He had covered all
press coverage and media slashing, made a statement for me and essentially been
my PA after RMG dropped us.

He didn’t know I was off the drugs though. I knew he was
secretly suspicious because I hadn’t had a drink but it was harder to act drunk
than high. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him but somewhere in the back of my
mind I knew he wouldn’t be too happy about it.

He was also there to fill the hole in my life; a hollow
an angel had torn through me. I needed Kenny but I wasn’t stupid enough to not understand
that Kenny also had me exactly where he wanted me but to be honest, I was too
exhausted to fight it. Fight him.

Especially now.

Now I needed him more than ever because I couldn’t do
this on my own. I couldn’t fight this life anymore. I was terrified history was
repeating itself and God was punishing me more and more every day.

Every day was more of a struggle than the previous and
without the escape of coke now, I had my life forced on me every day and it was
torturous.

My soul was completely empty but there was still the
slither of hope my spirit held onto.

Maybe this time… maybe the past was the past. Maybe this
time around things would be different.

Maybe I would get a reprieve, a chance to do things over
and redeem myself. Apologise to the heavens for… what I did.

Maybe this time I could do it.

Maybe this time my baby would survive.