Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (326 page)

SIGSBY In amazement, you mean, that their fathers were so blind as not to see where it was leading. My boy, this is going to alter the whole relationship between the sexes!

ST. HERBERT Is it so perfect as it is?

[A silence.]

Might it not be established on a more workable, a more enduring basis if woman were allowed a share in the shaping of it?

[Some woman in the crowd starts the refrain, “We’ll hang old Asquith on a sour apple tree.” It is taken up with quiet earnestness by others.]

SIGSBY Shaping it! Nice sort of shape it will be by the time that lot [with a gesture, including the crowd, LADY MOGTON & Co.] have done knocking it about. Wouldn’t be any next generation to be surprised at anything if some of them had their way.

ST. HERBERT The housebreakers come first — not a class of work demanding much intelligence; the builders come later. Have you seen Chilvers?

LAMB I left him at the House. He couldn’t get away.

SIGSBY There’s your object-lesson for you. We don’t need to go far. A man’s whole career ruined by the wife he nourishes.

ST. HERBERT How do you mean, “ruined?”

SIGSBY So it is. If she wins the election and claims the seat. Do you think the Cabinet will want him? Their latest addition compelled to appeal to the House of Commons to fight for him against his own womenfolk. [Grunts.] He’ll be the laughing-stock of the whole country.

ST. HERBERT Do you know for certain that they mean to claim the seat?

SIGSBY “Wait and see” is their answer.

LAMB Hasn’t Chilvers any idea?

SIGSBY Can’t get him to talk. Don’t think he’s seen her since that shindy over the Deputation.

LAMB Humph!

SIGSBY Even if she herself wished to draw back, the others would overrule her.

LAMB I’m not so sure of that. She’s got a way of shutting her mouth that reminds me of my old woman.

SIGSBY The arrangement, as he explained it to me, was that the whole thing was to end with the polling. It was to have been a mere joke, a mere ballon d’essai. The mistake he made was thinking he could depend on her.

LAMB Guess she made the same mistake. You can fight and shake hands afterwards; it doesn’t go with kissing.

SIGSBY Man and woman were not made to fight. It was never intended.

[The woman’s “Marseillaise” has been taken up by the crowd. The chorus has been reached.]

Oh, damn your row! [He slams to the window; it was ajar.]

[JAWBONES has entered, with his purchases.]

[Turning from window he sees JAWBONES, goes to meet him.] Couldn’t they do anything?

JAWBONES [He has bought a new hat; has also brought back the remains. He shakes his head.] No good for anything else but a memento.

SIGSBY [With a grunt he snatches the thing and flings it into a corner. Tries on the new one.]

JAWBONES ‘Ow’s it feel?

[SIGSBY, with the help of JAWBONES, attends to his appearance.]

LAMB [To ST. HERBERT.] No use talking to her, I suppose?

ST. HERBERT [Shrugs his shoulders.] She’ll do what she imagines to be her duty. Women are so uncivilised.

[A burst of cheering is heard. A shrill male voice: “Three cheers for Winston Churchill!” It is followed by an explosion of yells.]

ST. HERBERT Who’s that?

LAMB [He has opened the window.] Phoebe Mogton!

SIGSBY What a family!

[JANET has entered.]

JANET Is that Mrs. Chilvers? [To LAMB and ST. HERBERT.] Good evening.

ST. HERBERT Good evening.

LAMB No; it’s her sister.

JANET I wonder she doesn’t come.

SIGSBY What are the latest figures? Do you know?

[PHOEBE enters.]

JANET I forget the numbers. Mrs. Chilvers is forty ahead.

PHOEBE Forty ahead! [To JANET.] Did you order the band?

LAMB [To SIGSBY.] The Dock division was against him to a man; that Shipping Bill has upset them.

JANET No. I didn’t think we should want the band.

PHOEBE Not want it! My dear girl -

JANET Perhaps Lady Mogton has ordered it, I’ll ask her. [She goes out.]

SIGSBY Hadn’t you better “Wait and see”? It isn’t over yet.

PHOEBE We may as well have it! It can play the Dead March in
“Saul” if you win. [She laughs.]

SIGSBY [Grunts. To LAMB.] Are you coming?

[He goes out.]

LAMB Yes. [To ST. HERBERT.] Are you coming?

ST. HERBERT Hardly worth while; nearly over, isn’t it?

LAMB It generally takes an hour and a half. [He looks at his watch.] Another forty minutes. Perhaps less. [He goes out.]

PHOEBE I do love to make him ratty. Wish it wasn’t poor old Geoff we were fighting.

ST. HERBERT When I marry, it will be the womanly woman.

PHOEBE No chance for me then?

ST. HERBERT I don’t say that. I can see you taking your political opinions from your husband, and thinking them your own.

PHOEBE Good heavens!

ST. HERBERT The brainy woman will think for herself. And then I foresee some lively breakfast tables.

PHOEBE Humph! No fear, I suppose, of a man taking his views from his wife and thinking them his own?

ST. HERBERT That may be the solution. The brainy woman will have to marry the manly man.

[GINGER enters.]

JAWBONES [He is on his knees blowing the fire. In a low growl.]
Shut the door!

GINGER Can’t till I’m inside, can I? [Shuts it.] Where’s Lady
Mogton?

JAWBONES I don’t know.

PHOEBE What do you want her for?

GINGER Only to tell her that I can’t find Chilvers.

PHOEBE Isn’t she here?

GINGER Not unless she’s come while I’ve been out.

[JANET enters.]

JANET Oh, Lady Mogton -

PHOEBE [Interrupting her.] Isn’t Annys here?

JANET No. [To GINGER.] Haven’t you found her?

GINGER [Shakes her head.] Been everywhere I could think of.

PHOEBE [To herself.] She couldn’t have gone home? Is there a telephone here?

JANET The room’s locked up.

JAWBONES There’s one at 118, High Street. Shall I go, miss?

PHOEBE No, thanks. I’ll go myself. Oh, what about the band?

JANET Lady Mogton says she’d like it. If it isn’t too tired.

GINGER It’s at Sell’s Coffee-’ouse in Piggott Street. I ‘eard them practising.

PHOEBE Good. I shan’t be more than a few minutes.

ST. HERBERT I’ll come with you, if I may? I’ve got some news that may be of use to you.

PHOEBE Do. [To GINGER.] Stop here, I may want you.

[PHOEBE and ST. HERBERT go out.]

JANET How was Mrs. Chilvers seeming this afternoon?

GINGER Never ‘eard ‘er speak better, miss.

JANET Did you stop to the end?

GINGER Not quite. Mrs. Spender wanted some shopping done.

[JANET goes out.]

GINGER Can I ‘elp yer?

JAWBONES Yer might hold the piper while I blow.

[The fire begins to burn.]

GINGER It’s getting brighter.

JAWBONES That’s caught it.

GINGER Wonderful what a little coaxing will do.

JAWBONES [He is still squatting on his heels, folding up the paper. He looks up.] Ain’t yer ever thought of that, instead of worrying about the vote?

GINGER [She moves away.] You don’t understand us wimmin.

JAWBONES [He has risen. He pauses in his folding of the paper.]
Don’t say that.

GINGER Why should we coax yer — for our rights?

JAWBONES Because it’s the easiest way of getting ‘em.

GINGER [She has become oratorical.] Our appeal is not to man [with upraised hand] but to Justice!

JAWBONES Oh! And what does the lidy say?

GINGER [Descending.] ‘Ow do yer mean?

JAWBONES To your appeal. Is she goin’ to give ’em to yer ? You tike my tip: if yer in a ‘urry, you get a bit on account — from Man. ‘Ere. [He dives into his pocket, produces, wrapped up in tissue paper, a ring, which he exhibits to her.] That’s a bit more in your line.

GINGER [Her eyes sparkle. She takes the ring in her hand. Then problems come to her.] Why do yer want me, William?

JAWBONES Because, in spite of all, I love yer.

GINGER [She looks into the future.] What will I be? A general servant, without wages.

JAWBONES The question, as it seems to me, is, which of us two is the biggest fool? Instead of thirty bob a week in my pocket to spend as I like — guess I’ll ‘ave to be content with three ‘alf- crowns.

GINGER Seven an’ six! Rather a lot, Bill, out o’ thirty bob.
Don’t leave much for me an’ the children.

JAWBONES I shall ‘ave to get my dinners.

GINGER I could mike yer somethin’ tasty to tike with yer. Then with, say — three shillings -

JAWBONES ‘Ere — [He is on the point of snatching back the ring. He encounters her eyes. There is a moment’s battle. The Eternal Feminine conquers.] Will yer always look as sweet as yer do now?

GINGER Always, Bill. So long as yer good to me!

[She slips the ring over her finger, still with her eyes drawing him. He catches her to him in fierce passion, kisses her.]

[A loud shrill female cheer comes from the crowd. The cheer is renewed and renewed.]

JAWBONES [He breaks away and goes to the window.] ‘Ullo! What are they shoutin’ about now? [He looks out.] It’s the Donah!

GINGER Mrs. Chilvers?

JAWBONES Yus. Better not get wearin’ it — may shock their feelings.

GINGER [She gazes rapturously at the ring as she draws it off.]
It is a beauty! I do love yer, Bill.

[There enter ANNYS and ELIZABETH. ANNYS is excited; she is laughing and talking.]

ANNYS [Laughing while she rearranges her hat and hair.] A little embarrassing. That red-haired girl — she carried me right up the steps. I was afraid she would -

[JAWBONES has been quick enough to swing a chair into place just in time to receive her.]

[She recovers herself.] Thank you.

ELIZABETH [She hands ANNYS a smelling-bottle. To JAWBONES.] Open the window a few inches.

[He does so. Some woman, much interrupted, is making a speech.]

[JANET opens the door a little way and looks in.]

JANET Oh, it is you! I am glad!

[She goes out again.]

ELIZABETH Are the others all here?

GINGER ‘Er ladyship is watching the counting. Miss Phoebe ‘as just gone out -

[PHOEBE enters.]

Oh, ‘ere she is.

PHOEBE Hullo! [She is taking off her things.] Wherever have you been? We’ve been scouring the neighbourhood -

[LADY MOGTON enters, followed by JANET.]

I say, you’re looking jolly chippy.

ELIZABETH We had an extra enthusiastic meeting. She spoke for rather a long time. I made her come home with me and lie down. I think she is all right now.

LADY MOGTON Would you like to see a doctor?

PHOEBE There is a very good man close here. [She turns to
JAWBONES, who is still near the window.] Gordon -

ANNYS [Interrupting.] No. Please don’t. I am quite all right.
I hate strange doctors.

PHOEBE Well, let me send for Whitby; he could be here in twenty minutes.

ANNYS I wish you would all leave me alone. There’s absolutely nothing to fuss about whatever. We pampered women — we can’t breathe the same air that ordinary mortals have to. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves.

PHOEBE [To herself.] Obstinate pig.

[She catches JAWBONES’ eye; unnoticed by the others, she takes him aside. They whisper.]

ANNYS How is it going?

LADY MOGTON You must be prepared for winning. [She puts again the question that ANNYS has frequently been asked to answer during the last few days.] What are you going to do?

[MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS enters, as usual in a flutter of excitement.]

MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS Am I late?

[They brush her back into silence. ELIZABETH takes charge of her.]

ANNYS [She has risen.] You think it wise tactics, to make it impossible for Geoffrey to be anything else in the future but our enemy?

LADY MOGTON [Contemptuously.] You are thinking of him, and not of the cause.

ANNYS And if I were! Haven’t I made sacrifice enough? — more than any of you will ever know. Ay — and would make more, if I felt it was demanded of me. I don’t! [Her burst of anger is finished. She turns, smiling.] I’m much more cunning than you think. There will be other elections we shall want to fight. With the Under- Secretary for Home Affairs in sympathy with us, the Government will find it difficult to interfere. Don’t you see how clever I am?