Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (321 page)

ST. HERBERT Undoubtedly.

ANNYS I’d rather not.

LADY MOGTON It’s not a question of liking. It’s a question of duty. For this occasion we shall be appealing to the male voter. Our candidate must be a woman popular with men. The choice is somewhat limited.

ELIZABETH No one will put up so good a fight as you.

ANNYS Will you give me till this evening?

LADY MOGTON What for?

ANNYS I should like to consult Geoffrey.

LADY MOGTON You think he would object?

ANNYS [A little doubtfully.] No. But we have always talked everything over together.

LADY MOGTON Absurd! He’s one of our staunchest supporters. Of course he’ll be delighted.

ELIZABETH I think the thing ought to be settled at once.

LADY MOGTON It must be. I have to return to Manchester to-night.
We shall have to get to work immediately.

ST. HERBERT Geoffrey will surely take it as a compliment.

JANET Don’t you feel that woman, all over the world, is calling to you?

ANNYS It isn’t that. I’m not trying to shirk it. I merely thought that if there had been time — of course, if you really think -

LADY MOGTON You consent?

ANNYS Yes. If it’s everybody’s wish.

LADY MOGTON That’s settled.

PHOEBE [She springs up, waving a handkerchief.] Chilvers for ever!

JANET [Rises.] God bless you!

MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS [Clapping her hands.] Now we shan’t be long!

LADY MOGTON [Hammers.] Order, please!

[The three subside.]

This is serious business. The next step is, of course -

[The door opens; GEOFFREY enters. He is a youngish-looking man of three or four and thirty. LADY MOGTON, at the sound of the door, turns. ST. HERBERT rises. There is a pause.]

LADY MOGTON We’ve been talking about you. We must apologise for turning your drawing-room -

GEOFFREY My dear mother-in-law, it is Providence. [He kisses her.] There is no one I was more longing to see.

ANNYS [She has risen.] Hake told me you would be dining at the
House.

GEOFFREY [He comes to her, kisses her, he is in a state of suppressed excitement.] I shall be. I came back to bring you some news.

PHOEBE We’ve got some news for you. Have you heard -

GEOFFREY [He stays her.] May I claim man’s privilege for the first word? It is news, I am sure, you will all be delighted to hear. A friend of yours has been appointed to an office where — it is quite possible — he may be of service to you.

PHOEBE Governorship of Holloway Gaol?

GEOFFREY Not a bad guess. Very near it. To the Under-
Secretaryship for Home Affairs.

LADY MOGTON Who is it?

GEOFFREY [He bows.] Your affectionate and devoted servant.

ANNYS You!

PHOEBE [Genuinely delighted. She is not a quick thinker.] Bravo! Congratulations, old boy! [She has risen — she slaps him on the back.]

ANNYS Geoffrey! [She puts her arms about him.] You never told me anything.

GEOFFREY I know, dear. I was afraid. It mightn’t have come off.
And then you would have been so disappointed.

ANNYS [There are tears in her eyes. She still clings to him.] I am so glad. Oh, I am so glad!

GEOFFREY It is all your doing. You have been such a splendid help. [He breaks gently away from her. Turns to ST. HERBERT, with a lighter tone.] Haven’t you anything to say to a fellow? You’re not usually dumb.

ST. HERBERT It has all been so sudden — as the early Victorian heroine was fond of remarking!

GEOFFREY [Laughs.] It has been sudden. We had, none of us, any idea till yesterday that old Bullock was thinking of resigning.

ELIZABETH [She has risen and moved towards the fire.] Won’t it necessitate a bye-election?

[LADY MOGTON and ST. HERBERT have been thinking it out. On the others the word falls like a bombshell.]

GEOFFREY [He turns to her. He does not see their faces.] Yes. But I don’t anticipate a contest. The Conservatives are without a candidate, and I am on good terms with the Labour Party. Perhaps Mr. Hunnable — [He laughs, then, turning, catches sight of his wife’s face. From ANNYS he looks to the others.]

LADY MOGTON [She has risen.] You haven’t heard, then, of McCaw versus Potts?

GEOFFREY “McCaw versus Potts!” What the -

ST. HERBERT Was decided in the House of Lords late yesterday afternoon. Briefly stated, it confers upon women the right of becoming Parliamentary candidates.

GEOFFREY [He is staggered.] You mean -

LADY MOGTON Having regard to which, we have decided to bring forward a woman candidate to contest the next bye-election.

GEOFFREY Um! I see.

ANNYS But we never thought — we never anticipated it would be
Geoffrey’s.

LADY MOGTON I really cannot admit that that alters the case. Geoffrey himself would never dream, I am sure, of asking us to sacrifice our cause to his convenience.

GEOFFREY No. Of course not. Certainly not.

LADY MOGTON It is perhaps unfortunate that the candidate selected -

ANNYS It is quite impossible. Such a dilemma was never dreamed of.

LADY MOGTON And if not? Is the solidarity of woman -

GEOFFREY [Beginning to guess.] Forgive my impatience; but whom
HAVE you selected?

ELIZABETH [When she likes she can be quite sweet.] Your wife. [He expected it.] We rather assumed [she appeals to the others with a gesture], I think, that the president of the Man’s League for the Extension of the Franchise to Women would regard it as a compliment.

GEOFFREY [His dislike of her is already in existence.] Yes. Very thoughtful.

ANNYS You must choose some one else.

PHOEBE But there IS no one else.

ANNYS There’s mamma.

PHOEBE Mamma’s too heavy.

ANNYS Well, then, there’s Elizabeth — there’s you!

GEOFFREY Yes. Why not you? You and I could have a jolly little fight.

LADY MOGTON This is not a laughing matter. If I could think of any one to take Annys’s place I should not insist. I cannot.

PHOEBE You see, it mustn’t be a crank.

GEOFFREY [He is losing his temper.] Yes, I suppose that does limit you.

ELIZABETH And then — thanks to you — Mrs. Chilvers has had such excellent training in politics. It was that, I think, that decided us.

GEOFFREY [Convention forbids his strangling her.] Will somebody kindly introduce me to this lady?

ST. HERBERT Ah, yes, of course. You don’t know each other, do you? Mr. Geoffrey Chilvers — Mrs. Joseph Spender. Mrs. Spender — Mr. Chilvers, M.P.

ELIZABETH [Sweetly.] Delighted!

GEOFFREY [Not.] Charmed.

LADY MOGTON [To ANNYS.] I am not indifferent to your difficulty.
But the history of woman, my dear Annys, is a history of sacrifice.
We give our sons — if necessary, our husbands.

MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS [Affected.] How true!

ANNYS But you are not asking me to give him. You are asking me to fight him. I can’t.

LADY MOGTON You mean you won’t.

ANNYS You can put it that way if you like. I won’t.

[A pause.]

JANET I thought Mrs. Chilvers had pledged her word.

ELIZABETH Yes. But without her husband’s consent. So, of course, it doesn’t count.

GEOFFREY [He turns on her.] Why not you — if there must be a fight? Or would it be against your principles?

ELIZABETH Not in the least.

GEOFFREY Ah!

ELIZABETH I would offer myself as a substitute. Only it might seem like coming between husband and wife.

GEOFFREY [He turns away with a grunt of disgust.]

PHOEBE It’s awfully rough on you, Geoffrey. I can see it from your point of view. But one can’t help remembering the things that you yourself have said.

GEOFFREY I know; I know. I’ve been going up and down the country, excusing even your excesses on the ground that no movement can force its way to the front without treading on innumerable toes. For me, now, to cry halt merely because it happens to be my own toes that are in the way would be — ridiculous — absurd — would be monstrous. [Nobody contradicts him.] You are perfectly justified- -if this case means what you say it does — in putting up a candidate against me for East Poplar. Only, naturally, it cannot be Annys. [He reaches out his hand to where ANNYS stands a little behind him, takes her hand.] Annys and I have fought more than one election. It has been side by side.

ELIZABETH The lady a little behind.

GEOFFREY [He moves away with an expression of deep annoyance.]

JANET [She comes forward. She holds forth her hands with a half- appealing, half-commanding gesture. She almost seems inspired.] Would it not be so much better if, in this first political contest between man and woman, the opponents were two people honouring one another, loving one another? Would it not show to all the world that man and woman may meet — contend in public life without anger, without scorn? [There is a pause. They stand listening.] I do not know, but it seems to me that if Mr. Chilvers could bring himself to do this it would be such a big thing — perhaps the most chivalrous thing that a man has ever done to help women. If he would put aside, quite voluntarily, all the man’s privilege — just say to the people, “Now choose — one of us two to serve you. We stand before you, equal, my wife and I.” I don’t know how to put it, but I feel that by merely doing that one thing Mr. Chilvers would solve the whole problem. It would prove that good men are ready to give us of their free accord all that we claim. We should gain our rights, not by warfare, but through love and understanding. Wouldn’t that be — so much better? [She looks — her hands still appealing — from one to the other.]

[Another silence. They have all been carried a little off their feet by JANET’S earnestness.]

ANNYS [She touches him.] What do you think, dear?

GEOFFREY Yes, there’s a good deal, of course, in what Miss Blake says.

ANNYS It WOULD be a big thing for you to do.

PHOEBE You see, whatever happened, the seat would be yours. This case only gives us the right to go to the poll. We are keen upon Annys because she’s our best card, that’s all.

GEOFFREY Do you wish it?

ANNYS [She smiles up at him.] I’d rather fight you than any one else.

GEOFFREY You are not afraid that the situation might be — just a trifle comical?

ANNYS [Shakes her head.] No. I think everybody will say it was rather splendid of you.

GEOFFREY Well, if it will help women.

ANNYS [She holds out her hand. She is still in exalted mood.] We will show how man and woman may be drawn nearer to one another by rivalry for noble ends.

ST. HERBERT [He shakes GEOFFREY’S somewhat limp hand.] I envy you. The situation promises to be piquant.

MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS It will be a battle of roses.

LADY MOGTON I must go. I shall see you both again to-morrow.
[She kisses GEOFFREY.] This is an historic day.

GEOFFREY Yes. I daresay we shall all remember it.

LADY MOGTON [To JANET.] I will get you to come to the station with me. I can give you your instructions in the cab. [She kisses ANNYS.] You have been called to a great work. Be worthy of it.

[They are all making ready to go. ANNYS has rung the bell for
HAKE.]

JANET [To ANNYS.] Are you glad?

ANNYS [Kisses her.] You showed me the whole thing in a new light. You were splendid. [She turns to ELIZABETH.] Didn’t I tell you he would convert you?

ELIZABETH I was wrong to judge all men guilty. There are also — the innocent.

ANNYS [For a moment — but a moment only — she is pleased. Then the doubtful meaning of ELIZABETH’S words strikes her.]

[Enter HAKE.]

ANNYS [She has to dismiss ELIZABETH.] Oh, Hake — [To LADY MOGTON.]
You’ll want a cab, won’t you, mamma?

LADY MOGTON A taxi — Goodbye, everybody.

[She sails out.]

MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS I have my carriage. [To ELIZABETH.] Can
I give you a lift?

ELIZABETH Thank you. [To GEOFFREY.] We shall meet again.

GEOFFREY I feel sure of it.

[MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS and ELIZABETH go out.]

PHOEBE [To HAKE.] Are Miss Blake’s things dry yet?

JANET They’ll be quite all right, dear. Please don’t trouble.
[She advances a timid hand to GEOFFREY.] Goodbye, Mr. Chilvers.

GEOFFREY [He takes it smiling.] Goodbye.

[She goes out; HAKE follows.]

PHOEBE Goodbye, old boy. [They shake hands.] Don’t you let her walk over you. Make her fight.

ANNYS [Laughing.] Don’t you worry about that.

ST. HERBERT Would you care to look through McCaw v. Potts? [He has the papers in his hand.]

GEOFFREY I’ll ask you for it when I want it.