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It's going to be very, very interesting Peter. Certainly the swimming baths are not going to take this lying down. I wouldn't be surprised if they brought back Fancy Dress Sundays. That had them queueing right down to Youngy's Garage back when they last did it. It was a great idea and there were some wonderful scenes in the pool. I'll never forget pushing in the Queen Mother, pulling down Hitler's shorts and then dive-bombing three Michael Jacksons. There's not many people that can say they've done that down the swimming baths! I'm probably the only one.

The police made them stop holding Fancy Dress Sundays after Chappy and Frank nearly drowned. How they thought they were going to swim in a donkey outfit I have no fucking idea but that's what the whole Fancy Dress Sunday scene did to people. It sent them bloody loopy. It was just a great time in Broughty Ferry's history and I really believe that FRANK'S WORLD OF POTS could have a similar effect.

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOONEST

Hi Bob,

I am very glad to hear from you again. I think what Frank and you are to do will be a great success and I am glad UNION VENTURES will be part of this. We will be very proud.

Regarding the order it will only take us a week as we will have the whole factory working night and day on it. The final cost to you will be $39 for each pot and then the postal costs. But as I tell you, for now you pay $20 each pot as a deposit. For 2,000 pots that's $40,000. If this is a problem we can go with the agreed deposit of $10,000.

You must pay this money through Western Union so we can start on Frank's pots.

Peter

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Can you come?

Peter,

Frank just called me from the dog track. He said I was to make sure that the pots are suitable for people to put their hands in without risking the hands getting stuck. Most importantly, this must include motorbike riders who have not taken their gloves off because Frank says that most of those boys are fucking nutters so if their hands got stuck then they'd be liable to smash the pot over Frank's head.

Also, Frank asked if you would like to come over here with the pots. He said that you would be able to make sure they arrived safely and that you could help install the pots in Dawson Park and stay for the launch party.

What do you think? I'm not sure where you're based (Hunksville going on your photo!) but Frank says he will pay your train fare and, if it's OK with you, you can stay in my house? I just spoke to him there at The Fort where he was playing the fruit machine. I said, ‘Have you won the jackpot Frank?' and he said ‘I'll win the jackpot, Bob, when these fucking pots arrive'.

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: VERY URGENT MR BOB

Mr Bob,

To remind you we need the payment of $10,000 so we can begin. I have the factory and boys ready to go. we will need a final deposit of $40,000 for the 2,000 pots for Frank's new idea.

It is hard for me to take too much time away from work so I am not so sure that I can come with the pots. So please make sure everything is in good position and advise me when you can make a payment.

Peter

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Hello Peter

Peter,

You can come?! That is great news. I am very excited and so is Frank. I just phoned him, he was driving back from the casino but he shouted ‘That's great news Bob, tell Peter I can't wait to meet him and his pots but if the pots are no good I'll shove them up his' before he got cut off by the Tannadice tunnel.

Peter, I would like to take this opportunity to formally invite you to stay at my house. I have attached a photo. I don't know if it's the kind of set-up you'll be used to but the one thing I can guarantee is ‘fun'.

I can't wait to see you and the pots. Peter and his magnificent pots. Potty Peter. Peter Pots.

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: Hello Peter

Hello Bob,

I'm happy as well receiving your mail, how is your business and Frank hope everything is good. Well Ok then Bob I will come with the pots. It is a nice offer that you have made and your house looks nice. I will come by plane with the pots and I know the airline through business so I will not have to buy a ticket.

Bob I advise you to send the $10,000 by Western Union or by money gramm money transfer. Here is company cashier information to use

Name:
                        

City: Lagos

Test Qeustion: From

Answer: Bob

Thanks,

Peter Anderson.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: HUNKY PETER'S BIG WEEK WITH BOB AND FRANK

Hi Peter,

I'm just trying to knock out the plan for your trip here. Have a little look at it. It's only a rough draft so if there's anything you're not happy with let me know.

DAY ONE

Peter arrives. A day of relaxation where Peter is left to chill out and have naps. Bob occasionally pops into his room to see if he's OK. If he wants then Bob could massage his feet, or bring him snacks. In the evening Frank comes round to the house and they all get to know each other. We have a light dinner of fritter rolls from Maciocia's chip shop and then retire to the jacuzzi with some Ribena, a large trifle and over 400 jazz mags.

DAY TWO

Time to get ‘potty'. Peter, Frank and Bob go to Dawson Park and oversee the installation of the pots. Peter checks the pots and makes sure they aren't damaged. Bob and Frank watch him closely, not because they suspect he is up to no good but because they will be admiring a man at the top of his game, doing the thing he loves. Peter then gives Bob and Frank a brief description of the pots, what they like and don't like, and the best way of looking after them. Peter then joins Frank, Bob, Chappy Williams and Tommy Peanuts for a curry at the Gullistan. Chappy to do the toast and Tommy to do the after-dinner speech as long he promises not to make fun of Bob because it's him that has set the whole thing up.

DAY THREE

Peter and Bob go on a daytrip to the Camperdown Zoo. Bob makes sandwiches, Peter to choose filling. If it's sunny we have a picnic, if it's
raining we will eat the food under one of the wooden ships. We talk about parks and funny things that have happened to us in parks.

DAY FOUR

Potty Peter's Media blitz. Peter is guest on Radio Tay's breakfast show where he tells funny stories about pots and about how Bob is a good guy. He then goes into town (taxi with Bob, the two of them to go halfers on the fare) where he does interviews for the Dundee Courier and the Evening Telegraph. During the Evening Telegraph interview Peter lets slip that he has new evidence that strongly suggests a group of gypsies stole Bob's ladders in 1996.

DAY FIVE

Final preparations. Peter, Bob and Frank go up to Dawson Park, roll their sleeves up and make any last minute adjustments needed. Then some role play, with Peter pretending to be a passer-by and testing the various pots to make sure his hand doesn't get stuck in any of them. Peter to check every single pot and then to do so again wearing a glove. Bob and Frank to wait for him in the beer garden at the Taychreggan Hotel next to the park. Bob and Frank to give Peter a torch in case it gets dark before he's finished.

DAY SIX

Launch Day! Party, Party, Party. Bob to wake Peter up with a bacon roll and small glass of sherry to get him in the zone then we're off up to Dawson Park to get ready for the crowds and support Frank. When the crowds come, Bob and Peter to control the pots, checking everyone is happy and using the pots correctly. Then Frank to give a speech in which he mentions Bob and Peter and clearly notes the work that both have put in. Peter to then make a short speech including some jokes but mostly serious and talking about the pots and what they have been through to be with us in Dawson Park. Bob to then make a short speech that brings the house down.

DAY SEVEN

The blow out. Bob, Peter, Frank, Chappy and Tommy to go out on the town. Bob and Peter to wear matching denim and casual jackets and to spend most of the night together. Bob to get women over and Peter to tell them interesting stories and jokes and also to tell them that Bob is a great guy and to mention about how Bob is worth a few quid but doesn't like to talk about it.

DAY EIGHT

Peter leaves first thing for the airport with Frank driving him. Bob to come only if head not too sore.

What do you think Peter, all OK?

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK apart from second last!

Hello Bob,

Yes this all looks fine and I think we will have a lot of fun as well as working hard to make success. Please speak to Frank and get the money so we can get started and make this great dream of ours a reality. There is only one problem with your plan Bob because I am married as I have told you and do not participate in women affairs thank you. Otherwise I am looking forward to hear from you soonest.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Hook a brother up?

Peter,

Give me a break here. I am a single guy and am constantly looking for skirt. There are a lot of opportunities for this in Broughty Ferry, more than you'd think. There's the bowling club coffee morning on a Tuesday and the fortnightly Car Boot Sale on the Esplanade. Of course, the big one is the Limbo Walking Club's Annual Walk-Off but I picked up a lifetime ban from that lot over the whole 2002 clean-up campaign mix-up.
⁵³

I need a wingman Peter and I thought that you could be that guy. You're a handsome devil and I know that the birds here would think you were a right James Bond with all your foreign travel and stuff. Christ, you should have seen when Chappy Williams came back from seeing his
brother in Australia. The birds threw themselves at him, it was like he was Christopher Fucking Columbus when, in actual fact, he'd got the tickets free with his Hoover.

Are you up for hitting the town when you're here and we can see if our luck's in? I bet you're a confident bugger. Also, what kind of food do you like?

Thanks,

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK

Bob,

If it is a party then of course I will talk to women and if it helps you out then better for all. Regarding food there is an old adage that says when in Rome you do as Romans do, as for me I like what ever that will be good for Bob.

Now please Bob, do you have the money to send by Western Union? The boys are waiting to start but I can not keep them from other jobs for long?

Peter

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: Book

Peter,

A strange thing has happened. I got talking to this kid. He's a weird one, I used to go to his house to do his windows and I sometimes see him skulking about the pubs and so on. Anyway, turns out he's a writer and he reckons that there could be something in all this emailing that I've been doing. He's been going through it all and thinks he's going to stick the whole lot in a bloody book and get in the shops and so on.

What do you think? Sounds a bit dodgy to me,

Bob

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From: Peter Anderson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Western Union

Bob,

YOU MUST GO TO WESTERN UNION. Yes books are great things but we must concentrate on the matter in hand.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Anderson

Subject: It's Goodbye from Bobby Boy

Peter.

Or I could be saying Jack, or Jean, Alexandra, Colin, Joseph, Benjamin or so many, many others. My God Peter I've had some fun. It's only now, when this kid Forsyth's been here and poking through my stuff that I can see how long I've been writing to you lot. It seems like yesterday that I nearly got hold of some golden lions, but turns out I've been messing about with you boys for months and months. I can't really remember a lot of it if I'm honest with you, just that we chatted about the Ferry and Frank and the rest of the lads.