Delete This at Your Peril (24 page)

Darling,

Am very sorry keeping you waiting pls tell me you are not offended. This picture was taken by the beach. I waiting eagerly to read from you,

Benjamin

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From: Bob Servant

To: Benjamin Suma

Subject: You take me breath away

Benjamin,

You are incredible! The way you are sitting there, it's just great. You're saying, “Yes, I'm on the beach, I'm relaxed, but I'm also serious. I am sitting here and thinking about Bobby, and what she might be doing right now. I wonder how she is? I think I'll email her later and say hi. Ooh, it's hot here on the beach. Would anyone like an ice cream? I like ice cream a lot, especially the mint choc chip. I'm Benjamin, and I want to be covered in ice cream”.

Those sunglasses – they make you look like a film star.

WELCOME TO THE BEACH

STARRING BENJAMIN SUMA

Do you know what I mean?

Bobby x

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From: Benjamin Suma

To: Bob Servant

Subject: SO FUN

So joyful and loveable darling, thanks, you are a great imaginator!

I missed you a lot yesterday. I never seen you but you seem to have taken my whole lot of feeling! Well, we both better work hard to make it real and make happiness.

pls tell me something? Are you interested in business?

CHEERS

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From: Bob Servant

To: Benjamin Suma

Subject: Question

Benjamin,

Have you ever heard of a clap-o-meter? They used to be on game shows all the time but not so much now. They're machines that measure audience applause. I wondered, would you be able to make one for me?

Bobby x

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From: Benjamin Suma

To: Bob Servant

Subject: URGENT

Bobby, good day, how are you today? Yes i will surely be glad to make one if i know how to. Bobby you promised, your picture? Your thoughts please on business?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Benjamin Suma

Subject: The Clap-O-Meter

Benjamin,

I was hoping you would say that. I can't wait to see what you come up with. Can you make sure it works off the same batteries as my television remote please? I buy them in boxes of fifty from Nipper Kolacz.

I have been sitting staring at your photo for hours on end – you look so mysterious in those sunglasses.

It's as if you are saying, “I'm Benjamin, and I'm a man to be reckoned with. I'm wearing sunglasses because it's sunny but also because it makes me mysterious, a bit like a cowboy. Maybe one day I'll move to the desert and be a cowboy. All day long I'll ride my horse and then go back to Bobby's house and she will have cooked me some lovely ham and potatoes and we'll eat all the ham and potatoes and then we'll go and sit down on the couch and watch The Antiques Roadshow and do each other's hair.”

Was that more or less what you were thinking at the time? Oh, Benji, what are we going to do with you? You're some guy. What are you going to use the build the clap-o-meter out of interest? Maybe that boat in the photo? I'm sorry that I haven't sent you my photo. I'm just so worried that you won't think I am beautiful.

Bobby

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From: Benjamin Suma

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Am waiting

Darling I promise, ask me anything and I will do. I do not know where wood will come from for the building but it will come. You must send the photo. I already love you in my mind and I will show my appreciation and build this thing for you. Believe me my good feeling for you is beyond explanations. I am waiting and then we need to talk about investment.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Benjamin Suma

Subject: I'm scared

Benjamin,

I'm so nervous! Carol is coming round tomorrow to help with my make-up and hair for the photo. I hope you think I'm pretty! Good luck with the Clapo-Meter, it should be relatively straightforward but don't be too proud to ask for help if needed. You men are so stubborn sometimes!

Bobby x

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From: Benjamin Suma

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK

Thanks darling, am relief to read your mail. I will start to build it today. Yes you are so pretty than you might think i thought of you. I am waiting for the picture.

Benjamin

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From: Bob Servant

To: Benjamin Suma

Subject: Promise

Do you promise you'll think I'm pretty?

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From: Benjamin Suma

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes I did

YES I PROMISED YOU ARE SO PRETTY DARLING

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From: Bob Servant

To: Benjamin Suma

Subject: OK HERE WE GO!

Ok, well here is the photo,
⁴⁴
I hope you like it! Bobby x

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No Reply

 

42
. Some overdue accuracy from Bob here. Scottish former world darts champion Jocky Wilson lost his last tooth at the age of 28 due to an aversion to brushing his teeth. In a newspaper interview in the 1980s, Wilson explained this was due to his grandmother informing him as a young child that, ‘the English poison the water'.

43
. At this point, Bob supplied a photo of a woman dancing on a car bonnet and holding a bottle of OVD rum. I contacted this woman, whose name I will certainly not reveal, and she made it quite clear that the photo was not to be used in the book. It was a moment of madness, she explained, after she got chatting to Bob in the queue at Woolworth's.

44
. This man is not Bob Servant and I have not been able to ascertain his identity. I can, however, report that he's an impressive-looking gentleman, and I really don't see what Benji's problem is.

From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hi

Hello! I hope that you have good day and good mood. I want to tell a little about myself now. My name is Natalia. I'm 25, I live In Russia. I hope to find the serious relations with the man in the Internet, I was disappointed by the men from Russia. They abuse much alcohol and do not respect the women.

I live with my grandmother. We have small apartment in new area of city. I want to learn about you too. I want to know, what you want new in your life? My main desire it to create amicable family and look after my grandmother. I put my picture, that you could see me, in spite of the fact that we far now.

Your friend Natalia.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Subject: Howdy

Natalia,

Nice to hear from you, and thank you for that glorious photo. Well, well, well, Natalia, where do I start? My name is, as you know, Bob Servant. I am a local business tycoon. First up was the Cheeseburger Wars which, you will probably have heard, were a very, very good time for me. Then I got hold of the Beach Avenue to Dawson Park windowcleaning round. I know what you're thinking Natalia – ‘That's not a round, that's a
bloody empire'. You're spot on. It was a licence to print money Natalia. Windowcleaning money.
⁴⁵

Are you gearing up for the big one Natalia? Just a couple of days to go. I'm going Obama crazy and I don't mind admitting it,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Natalia

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello

Hi my new friend Bob.

Is glad to receive your new letter. You have not sent a picture yourselves, please do it. I want to tell about myself little bit more. I live in small city Samara, in the Volga region. We have beautiful river near. I work helping to the homeless people because they have no money for this purpose.

I live with my grandmother. We have no telephone as our apartment is located in new area of city. I want to ask you some questions. Do you have childrens? Bob I wait from you the new letter and your picture. Yes I notice election in America. It seems a time exciting.

Natalia

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From: Bob Servant

To: Natalia

Subject: Good Old Natalia

Natalia,

Thank you for your entertaining letter. It sounds to me like you and your grandmother have wonderful lives over there in Russia. You are a very lucky lady. I have attached a photo of myself that I hope you like. Would you be able to send me another one of yourself? If possible, I would prefer a photo of you in a hat. This is very important to me because there is an old Scottish poem that we use over here. You might have heard it read out by Mel Gibson in the movie BraveHat.

WHY A LADY MUST WEAR A HAT

If a lady is in a Hat

Then she will not treat you like a Rat

She will not get too Fat

Or make you dress like a Cat

Or hit you with a Bat

Or make you eat a gymnastics Mat

Or set fire to your Flat

As long as she is wearing a Hat.

I look forward to seeing you in a hat,

Bob “Bob” Servant

PS Looking good for Obama. The
Broughty Ferry Gazette
have just come out for him.
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