Read Delete This at Your Peril Online
Authors: Bob Servant
Delete This at Your Peril (21 page)
I thought that was a fair point actually, is it true?
By the way, the staff party is booked for Willy's Chinese Palace. I nipped in earlier and reserved a table for three, and Hamish and Clive are both confirmed. Chick Devine, the barman at Stewpot's, is cousins with Hamish and says he'll definitely be there. I went to the bank and confirmed with Clive as well. He went all weird, bright red and saying how excited he was and stuff. He's a weirdo, I hope he's not going to be an idiot at the party.
Your best worker,
Bob Servant
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Thank you Bob
Bob,
How are you? Thank you for the information. We are now going to set up the first payment to you of £3,000. You can take £300 commission from this as reward for all your hard work. You can also take the money for the party at Willy's Palace. We would like you to have a good time at the party so will pay what you need in extra commission.
So now Bob we just need your bank information. Please send this so I can have everything set up,
Thanks you and well done,
Xiong
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: PARTY TIME FOR LANZHOU!
Xiong,
Well, this is it, the day of the LANZHOU GLOBAL LIMITED (SCOTLAND) staff night out. I am so excited Xiong. The last staff party I went to was when I still had the windowcleaning round and I took the boys up to
Godden's Goodtime Girls in Dundee for some tabledancing. Christ, that was a disaster. The two women that came out looked as if they were the bloody cleaners and they were so clumsy about everything it was hard to relax. In fact, now I come to think of it, they might well have been the cleaners. It was only half past ten in the morning.
I remember when we got back down the Ferry we told Father O'Neill about it and he was pissing himself laughing, joking about how he was going to take the church mob there for their Christmas do. He's a good guy Father O'Neill. He always gets his round in and he's honest too. He once admitted to me and Tommy Peanuts that the Bible's a lot of bollocks and he's only in the game for the free accomodation.
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Anyway, I'm sure tonight will be a big success. I popped my head through the door at Stewpot's and shouted over to Chick Devine if Hamish was definitely going to be there. He said “Yeah, that's right Bob, Hamish McAlpine's going to your party” and everyone laughed, but that's just because they're jealous.
Listen, Xiong, I am going to speak to Clive at the party about the banking needs for LANZHOU GLOBAL. What kind of account do I need? I'm not bothered, as long as I get one of those plastic card holders. Tommy Peanuts has one and he's forever flashing it about. The way he lets the thing fall open at the bar you'd think he was from the fucking FBI.
Your faithful employee and one of your best friends,
Daphne
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: PARTY TIME FOR LANZHOU!
Hello BOB,
We are a little concerned as we checked your name and address on the UK directory online but we could not find it. So how do we know you are whom you claim to be? Also this is no joke, this is a job offer and we want you to take it serious. We have clients who want to make payment with cheque and balance transfer but we are afraid that it seems the details you gave is incorrect and you are not taking us serious.
We hope you are not a joke Bob. Kindly mail back.
XIONG
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: Party, Address
Xiong, I have some bad news, which I will come to shortly, but first I want to voice my deep anger. Xiong, are you calling me a liar? The only way that business can work is with 100% honesty and that is what I have given you.
I am ex-directory because five years ago I stole a wheelbarrow and several potted plants from Dawson Park. I was worried that the council were in cahoots with BT for stuff like that so went ex-directory. I wish you had asked what was going on rather than jump to conclusions and try me in a kangaroo court. You are behaving like Adolf Hitler. That said, I entirely forgive you.
I do, however, have bad news. The party was a disaster. First, Hamish McAlpine didn't turn up. It turns out Chick Devine doesn't know Hamish at all. He's a stupid liar who thinks he's funny. The only thing that made me think they're cousins is that Chick has a moustache as well but that doesn't really mean anything does it? Especially when you look at the fact I've never seen Chick and Hamish together and that they don't look alike. And that Chick's black.
So, anyway, Hamish didn't show and Clive totally misunderstood the whole thing and thought me and him were going on some sort of bloody date. Xiong, the guy turned up in a fucking dress and makeup. I walked in and thought there was no-one there apart from some rough bird and then looked again and it was actually Clive. I had brought along a few belts and a speech but it was all a waste of time. Clive started nicking all the prawn crackers and things got a bit out of hand.
The police came, which was a total overreaction. Someone grassed to the Evening Telegraph and they (surprise, surprise) stuck it in today. I've been getting pelters about what happened and all the stuff with Clive. Everyone keeps asking me where my boyfriend is and if I'm off up to the bank to kiss him. I popped into Stewpot's for lunch and the boys in there gave it - âOooh, did Clive let you open his account Bob' and âDon't be jealous Bob, but I was up the bank earlier and I caught Clive fiddling with some coppers'.
That last one made me laugh to be honest. Then Chappy Williams got in trouble trying to do something with âoverdrafts'. It was brilliant. He said, âOoh did Clive give you an overdraft Bob?' and I just said, âHow's that funny Chappy?' and everyone laughed at him, so that was not too bad. I just finished my pie and left after that.
Anyway, I'll attach the article. They've always had it in for me, ever since I was interviewed on Radio Tay at the Broughty Ferry gala week and the reporter asked if I read about the Evening Telegraph saying the gala
week was the worst ever and I said that I only ever bought the Evening Telegraph if the Spar has sold out of toilet paper. It wasn't my joke (it was one of Frank Theplanks though, when he said it, I'm not sure if he was joking).
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The paper have been on my back ever since. They're always throwing in the thing about my ladders being nicked and how it wasn't gypsies that stole them. It definitely was.
Your loyal employee,
Bob Servant
PS here's the article â
Dundee Evening Telegraph
Broughty Ferry News      28-03-07
Filed 01.04.07 by Broughty Ferry Breaking News Team
CHINESE COMPANY'S CHRISTMAS NIGHT OUT ENDS IN FARCICAL SCENES
Chaos reigned at a Broughty Ferry restaurant last night when two local men celebrated a Christmas night out that ended with one of them tying the other to a postbox and force-feeding him prawn crackers. The victim, who was dressed in women's clothing and has asked not to be named, required medical treatment at the scene by paramedics in what police described today as âa moment of madness' from the attacker, Robert Servant (62) of Harbour View Road.
The night, sponsored by Chinese company Lanzhou Global Development Ltd, for whom Mr Servant is Director of Operations (Scotland), got off to a bizarre beginning according to witnesses. When Mr Servant arrived at Willy's Chinese Palace restaurant in Gray Street, he was âastonished' to see his fellow diner sitting waiting for him, according to manager Willie Yuan.
âMr Servant, who we have had trouble with before, went berserk,' said Mr Yuan this morning. âHe started shouting, “What the hell's up with your get up? Why are you wearing a f**king dress?” And then he was saying, “Where's Hamish? Where's Hamish?” It was very frightening indeed and it was a relief when he finally sat down.'
The staff say they were too
scared to tackle Mr Servant who then proceeded to dine in silence with his companion, a situation seemingly ended when Mr Servant felt that he had been cheated out of his share of the communal bowl of prawn crackers.
âThat was when things got completely out of hand,' said Mr Yuan. âThe two of them started shouting and fighting and it spilled out onto the street. Mr Servant seemed to have a number of men's belts with him and he used these to tie his friend to the postbox. Then he ran back in and stole some bags of prawn crackers and went back outside.
âWe locked the doors but we could see him stuffing the crackers into his friend's mouth and that was when we called the police. He was shouting, “Happy now? Happy now?” It was terrifying. I told the waiter to close the curtains and we didn't open them until we heard the sirens.'
Mr Servant was arrested at the scene but later released when the victim of the attack refused to press charges.
A police spokesman today confirmed that Mr Servant was known to them and his future behaviour would be observed. Mr Servant was not available for comment and his house showed little signs of life while Lanzhou Global Development Ltd could not be traced at the time of going to press.
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I am sorry Bob
Hello Bob,
I am very sorry. I am only doing my job and asking you the questions that the company's personnel manager is telling me to ask you. I know that you are OK Bob, but they have told me to ask. We need to know if the details given to us are for real.
A client wants to make payment with balance transfer. You know what this is? So he needs your credit card long number and the limit so he can make the payment on it. Also can I know which bank you use? I know there is now a problem with Clive so let me know what bank you will use.
Do not worry about the party. Sometimes when men are together things happen that no-one is proud of. The newspaper will forget about it I am sure as have the police. That is more important as you cannot work for us in jail!
Thanks
Xiong
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: IT'S OVER
Xiong,
My friend. I hope that you can see my reasons for saying what I am about to say. We've had some good times together. We've laughed and joked and worked damn hard to get LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD the respect that it undoubtedly deserves. I love the company Xiong and, in many ways, I love you. But things change my friend. Sometimes life just grabs you by the balls and whispers âthink again compadre' whilst stroking your neck.
Xiong, I'll be honest with you, I'm holding up my hands and taking on the long walk. I know what you might think, that old Bob here has lost his bottle. That ten years ago Bob Servant would have turned round to the critics of LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD and told them to shut it, that we were going to show them we meant business and that, come the summer, every man and his dog in Dundee would be wearing one of our rubber belts. And you know what, Xiong, maybe you'd be right. Maybe you'd be right.
It's the paper Xiong, the bloody paper. That's what whored it for us. They just kept on my bloody back, coming round and ringing the bell and shouting âcome on Mr Servant, we only want a quick word'. But they didn't just want a quick word Xiong. They wanted their pound of flesh and, this afternoon, I suppose that's just what they got.
I was down at the Fisherman's Bar when I heard that they were in a bidding war with the Gazette for Clive's side of the story, âMy Chinese Horror', that he was demanding £25 for. I don't think he would have gone through with it. He doesn't have the guts and would have had to live in hiding somewhere I wouldn't track him down. Invergowrie, or even through in Perth.
Anyway, I decided that enough was enough. I spoke to Pop Wood who told me that legally, the best advice he could give me was to âsee the thing off at the pass' and speak to the Evening Telegraph myself. Pop is a great lawyer, though he's struck off for giving a false alibi to Tommy Peanuts when he vandalised Sally Peanut's new husband's Renault Laguna outside Maciocia's chip shop. That's why he's in the Fisherman's all the time I suppose.
So I called up the Evening Telegraph vipers and told them to come down. We cleaned the dominoes table and stuck it in the beer garden. Pop gave me a tie that he had in his briefcase (he carries it all the time because his wife doesn't know he's been struck off). I put on his glasses but they gave me a sore head so I took them off. I made a little sign out of the back of one of the menus and wrote âBOB SERVANT STRIKES BACK' on it and propped it up in front of me.
Then I sat and composed myself with a gin and juice while Pop waited in the bar. I could hear him say âMr Servant will see you now' and he led the journalist through to the beer garden. Things went not too badly, I attach the article below. They managed to get in the thing about the ladders, which I knew they would, but they didn't really twist my words like the press can.
And that's that I suppose Xiong. I'd like to place on record how much I have enjoyed my time working with LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. We've had a great wee spell and I have certainly done what I can to spread word throughout the Dundee area. At the very least Xiong, people will give you a chance.
I suppose this is goodbye Xiong. Oh, God, I can't believe I'm writing these words. I'm going to stop now before I begin to cry. I will never, ever forget you.
