Deja Vu (16 page)

I went into the conference room full of expectations. The case sounded intriguing, and I was happy to lead a case in front of a client and not stay behind the scenes with the other lawyers. When I walked into the conference room, my new client was sitting with his back to me, and the lawyer from the other department said, “Oh, here's the lawyer I told you about.” The client turned around expectantly, and I was amazed to discover that my new client was none other than Gideon Zohar, my former boss at Smart Green.

He extended his hand to me, but I was too stunned to react. His hand was almost back at his side when I finally pulled myself together and extended my hand. “Very nice to meet you,” I said confidently. “Rose Lerner-Evrony.”

“It’s very nice to meet you too,” he said. “Gideon Zohar.”

We sat down and exchanged business cards. I glanced at the business card he handed me, and I was amazed to find that I still remembered Smart Green’s phone number by heart.

The lawyer asked Gideon to describe the company to me. It was, of course, completely unnecessary, but I pretended, as I was now used to doing in my present life. When Gideon finished, the lawyer described the sequence of events that led Gideon and Smart Green to our office. I knew with complete certainty that the incident occurred due to whoever filled the role I had left in my previous life. In my time, the company's books were in perfect order and we had no unexpected audits from the Israeli Tax Authorities.

“In March of this year, Smart Green filed its tax return for the previous tax year, as they do every year,” my colleague explained. “The company's taxable income is relatively small and therefore the company demanded a refund of their advance tax payments paid during this year.”

“And that’s why the tax authorities were knocking at their door asking for an audit.” I smiled knowingly.

“Yes.”

I glanced in Gideon's direction. I saw he was impressed.

“At first, the management, led by Gideon here, wasn’t afraid of the audit, but soon they discovered irregularities in various accounts and the suspicion is that the chief bookkeeper embezzled the company’s money.”

“The accounts auditor didn’t notice the embezzlement during the audit?”

“No, the subject was reviewed. It’s possible the auditors had something to do with the embezzlement too.”

I knew that wasn’t possible.

“I don’t think so,” Gideon said. “I trust them. They may not have completed a sufficiently good audit, but they’re not thieves.”

His words warmed my heart. I had no doubt that the office where I spent most of my previous working life was staffed by honest people.

“Anyway, since the auditors missed the fraud, they’re not sitting with us today, so our examination will be impartial.”

“I understand,” I said, and immediately added, “What about the company accountant? Did he not notice the illegal actions of the chief bookkeeper?”

“We don’t have an accountant,” Gideon said.

“Why is that?” I asked innocently.

“I saw no need to employ an accountant. For years, I had an excellent chief bookkeeper.” I thought of the amazing Shoshana. “She did a great job. She retired two years ago and we hired Tomer for the job in her place. At first I thought he was an excellent solution for the company. He’d just finished his internship in accounting.”

“So he’s a CPA?” I interrupted.

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand,” I lied. “So he’s the accountant then, is he not?”

“No,” Gideon said with an embarrassment that I savored. He was – finally - embarrassed by his own definition of the role he forced on me in my previous life. “I didn’t think there was any need to apply that job title, which costs more money, when for years the job description was chief bookkeeper.” Now, the cat was out of the bag. What I had suspected for years was now a fact.

The other attorney didn’t understand why I was taking so much interest in the job descriptions and asked Gideon to continue the story about the embezzlement. It turned out that Tomer, who came from an accounting firm I didn’t know, approached work with a lot of motivation. He was trying to prove himself by initiating business processes in the company. Gideon was initially very impressed by Tomer’s initiatives, but in time he realized that Tomer was neglecting the ongoing work in favor of long meetings with customers and suppliers. “He was supposed to make sure the company's books were balanced, that adjustments were made to various accounts, and not to do business,” Gideon said. After some suppliers complained that their payments didn’t arrive on time, Gideon had to put Tomer in his place and, according to Gideon's assessment, that’s when the embezzlement started, more or less.

I dove into the case with astonishing speed, due in large to the fact that I knew the company and its financial report well from my past. I was able to disclose how Tomer embezzled money and significantly reduce the scope of the embezzlement and the damage done with the tax authorities. Gideon was deeply impressed by my abilities and professionalism. He even invited me to come and work in his company as the CFO. The offer was very flattering, but I didn’t consider it,not for a moment. Gideon’s management style, which was familiar to me from many other places, disgusted me. Again and again I saw dedicated employees sidelined in favor of new stars who were put at the top, often lacking the training and relevant experience.

In August 2011, I knew that Daria would give birth to my beloved second son. I knew the exact birth date, which was almost a month before the expected delivery date. I wanted to be as far away as possible from Daria. I found it hard to see her with Amir and even with Nofar, so I knew that seeing her hugging my favorite little Tom would be impossible for me. David was surprised by the fact that, for the first time in our lives, I initiated a vacation. I booked us all a luxurious, two-week vacation in Holland and Belgium. We flew the day before Tom was born and returned after the circumcision ceremony. I was saved. Daria couldn’t be angry with me, because I couldn’t have known that she’d give birth at the beginning of the ninth month. I was happy.I was far away from my former son, even though I knew I’d have to see him with his new mother at some point.

David mistook the long vacation as an omen. He hoped that the wonderful family time we spent together would make me reduce my time at work, so I’d be present more at home. It didn’t happen. In the past years, my marriage to David had begun to crack. This was due to all the regular reasons that arise from a routine life, but, in our case, we each had a different approach to life, which caused the cracks to expand into deep grooves. David was a devoted family man who jealously guarded the sanctity of private time, while I was a devoted career woman who spent every free moment developing professionally. The reality of my life forced me to be a private person. I was afraid all the time that the secret of my former life would be exposed while David was a friendly and open person. I was very well-educated; I had a double degree in law and accounting and on top of that, an MBA in business management, and I kept up with my professional development. David, in contrast, barely completed his degree and had no need or desire to study for another. To be honest, it didn’t bother me that I was more educated than he was. In my eyes, David was a very smart guy; he used his spare time to develop a variety of hobbies. He read dozens of books, and his general knowledge was greater than mine. Nonetheless, I had a feeling that the environment was telling David and me that there was something off in a relationship where the woman was better qualified than the man (at least on paper).

Our sex life also became worn out. In the past, we’d slept together at least twice a week, but now the average had dropped dramatically, not because of a lack of desire on David’s part, or even on my part. I was just less present and a lot more tired. Over the years, David stopped begging. He felt he was forcing himself on me. More than once, I compared the relationship I had with Amir to my relationship with David. I had to admit to myself that Amir suited me better. I loved them both equally, and I was more attracted to David, but there were more connection points between Amir and me. That’s why it was so hard to see Tom with Amir and his other mother. In my previous life, I was jealous of Daria because of her wealth. Now, I enjoyed greater prosperity, but still envied her. I missed Amir.

I temporarily escaped meeting Tom, but not for long. Inbal organized a family trip to the north for all three families during October. The trip was scheduled for the week of Sukkot, so I couldn’t find refuge in work. David waited impatiently for the weekend while I didn’t stop praying I’d get sick unexpectedly.

A week before the long-awaited trip, Yom Kippur came. David and I were not religious people and this holiday had never held special meaning for us in the past, but over the years, David started to find some comfort in religion and tradition. He didn’t become religious and didn’t believe he would, but I guess the different holidays celebrated at Coral’s kindergarten lit his dormant Jewish spark. He asked me to light Shabbat candles every Friday, we made
kiddush
and began to add more fun traditions to our lives that we hadn’t bothered to do in the past, when we were just a couple. I wasn’t surprised when David decided to go to the
Kol Nidre
prayer on the eve of Yom Kippur and to
Neila
at the end. I went into the women's section at the end of the holiday, my head wrapped in a white scarf, listening to the sound of the
shofar
. Coral was next to David in the men’s section, and I carried little Adi in my arms. I knew that, for many people, the
shofar
awakens the soul, but I didn’t feel anything. I enjoyed the special atmosphere and tranquility that fell upon the whole congregation, but I didn’t think that my soul was undergoing refinement.

When we left the synagogue, I noticed that something was wrong with David. He wasn’t his usual self. He hugged our daughters and me with tears in his eyes. The prayers and the
shofar
touched his soul. He was preoccupied all evening, and I began to worry that this religious side of him was getting too serious.

When the girls were asleep, I sat down in the living room. He sat with a book. I watched him.He just stared at the book. His eyes didn’t move and for long minutes he didn’t even turn the page.

“Is something wrong?” I finally asked.

He put his book down, closed his eyes and said, almost like a breath, “Yes.”

“What?” I asked anxiously. “Something happen at the synagogue?”

“No... I mean, yes... at the synagogue, I realized something.”

“What?” I asked impatiently. I was afraid he was going to tell me he was becoming religious.

“I want you to know that I love you.” He was starting to annoy me, but I let him continue his monologue. “I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old, which means half of my life… you’re my soul mate.”

I smiled. It had been years since we’d exchanged such dramatic declarations of love, and it was nice to hear.

“You have to believe me,” he continued, “you're the only one for me. There will be no other.”

“And there never was,” I said with a smile.

“Well, that’s what I’m trying to say...” he said, wiping the grin off my face at once. “There was someone…”

I looked at him, stunned. I couldn’t utter a word. Since I’d questioned him about our history before my first accident, I knew that I was his first, as he was mine, and I assumed that this was also true in our present lives. I was wrong. Not everything was the same in my new life. He’d cheated on me.

I remained silent and he continued in a choked voice, “Today, in the synagogue, I realized I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. You have to believe me that nothing’s happening right now.”

“But there was... ” I said softly.

“Yes,” he looked down, “there was.”

“When?” I asked after a long pause.

“In reality, nothing really ‘happened.’” David made imaginary quotation marks with his hands when he said the word happened.

“So did it or didn’t it?” I said angrily. “You’re starting to annoy me.”

“Something began...” he began to ponder. He searched for the right words, but I had no patience to wait for the right words.

“Did you fuck her?” I asked angrily.

“No,” he said in embarrassment.

“Make out with her?”

“What is ‘making out ’really?” He pleaded ignorance.

“Jesus, David! Come on, who are you - Bill Clinton?” I asked and he laughed involuntarily. “It’s not funny. Did you kiss? Hug?”

“Yes,” he said, and I opened my eyes wide in surprise, “but only once.”

“What do you mean ‘only once’? You saw a sexy woman walking down the street, then hugged her and kissed her? That kind of ‘once’?” I asked cynically. It was clear that this wasn’t the case.

“No, it wasn’t like that,” he said with a pleading look. “Please… calm down.”

“I’m finding that hard.”

“So try to listen to me.”

We were silent. He looked at me and waited for me to speak. “Come on... talk!” I ordered him.

“Rose, for years I’ve been telling you this life is difficult for me. I find it hard raising our little girls alone.”

“You’re not raising them alone,” I interrupted. “I do my bit, and I also pay for Shula, who helps you a lot.” Shula was the nanny.

“True, but it’s always bothered me that we aren’t together enough. We’re not a family enough. We’re not a couple enough. Even before Coral came along, I often felt like a bachelor… I’d come home to an empty house. Now I feel like a single parent, but I’m not. I have you, the woman of my life, who’s constantly at work.”

“David,” I interrupted again, “we’ve had this conversation a dozen times in the past… You knew in advance what you were getting into. I’ll also remind you that before Coral and Adi were born, you promised that my career wouldn’t be compromised and that you’d be the parent who raised them and took care of them. You didn’t get a pig in a poke.”

“You’re right, but life’s dynamic. I couldn’t predict how I'd feel… I didn’t know in advance that I’d be so frustrated.”

“So you were frustrated and looking for someone to comfort you?” I tried to get to the point.

“Absolutely not,” he protested. “I really wasn’t looking, and you know full well that when I’m not at work, I'm at home with the girls. It just happened, and the fact that I was frustrated by what happens between us didn’t help. I know I was wrong, but if I was happy, I wouldn’t even be in this situation… if you were here more, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“I’m glad you have someone to blame,” I said sarcastically. “I'm really very sorry that I made you cheat on me.”

“I didn’t cheat,” he muttered.

“So what
did
you do?”

“A class of students came on a visit round the fire station. I was guiding the tour, and the teacher was very interested in the station.” She was interested in other things, too, I noted to myself. “After the tour, she asked for my details so she could recommend me to her teacher friends at other schools.”

“And you started talking...”

“Yes,” he looked down. “We started talking. The conversation didn’t have an intimate tone, at least, not at first. She also loves origami like I do, and we exchanged all kinds of special tricks for paper folding.”

“But at some point, the conversation became intimate,” I continued the story for him. It was corny and predictable.

“Yeah...”

“Is she married?”

“No, she’s divorced with three children.”

“How convenient. So when did your origami meetings become hot dates?”

“We barely met,” David explained. “Mostly we talked on the phone and sent text messages.”

“But you said you had physical contact,” I reminded him, “although in my opinion, an emotional connection is also cheating.”

“You're right...” he said painfully. “I'm so sorry.”

“You said you had a physical encounter?”

“Once.”

“What happened?”

“After weeks of non-stop conversations in which we poured our hearts out,” (I figured he was whining about his witch of a wife who was never home, but I preferred not to ask), “she called me one night and asked to meet. She’d quarreled with her mother, the children were at their father’s and she was lonely. I asked my mother to come and watch the girls, and I met her.”

“At her house?”

“No way! I was afraid that something might happen -”

“ But something did!”

“Right... we met at a small café, talked and talked and then walked around a bit. We sat in some dark garden, and before I knew it, I was hugging and kissing her.”

I closed my eyes in pain. I knew where the story ended, but it was hard for me to imagine my spouse cheating on me with a desperate divorcée in a dark garden. I felt David near me. I recoiled, and he grabbed me by the shoulders. When I opened my eyes, he was really close to me.

“You have to believe me - within two minutes, I was out of there. I got up, I went and haven’t had any contact with her since.”

“How long ago was that?”

“Two months.”

“Two months… and you haven’t told me a thing.”

“I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t do anything, really.”

“You kissed her, embraced her, you had an emotional connection with her for weeks, maybe even months. To me, that’s really not nothing.”

“You're right,” he said and looked down. “I’ve nothing more to say except to ask your forgiveness.”

“I have to think about it,” I said and left the house.

I had nowhere to go. There was no one I could pour my heart out to. I knew my mother would side with David and claim that I had to sleep in the bed I’d made. My relationship with Daria and Inbal were long gone. We weren’t at all close and, in any case, I wouldn’t want to admit the failure of my marriage to anyone. I went to the beach. I sat down in a trendy bar and looked at the movement of the waves, mesmerized.

I thought.

I sat and thought for more than two hours until I got up and went home. I decided to forgive David, even though I didn’t know if he’d told me the whole story and even though I knew I could never trust him again as I had in the past. He couldn’t quite resist. He dragged himself voluntarily into a relationship that came to physical contact. This time, he’d stopped himself before having full sex, but what would happen next time?

On the other hand, even though I didn’t like it one little bit, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he had a point. I had to bear some responsibility, at least in part, for his loneliness and his need to find comfort.