Deja Vu (10 page)

When Tom was six months old, he went to daycare, and I returned to work. I’d missed work so much that, for all I cared, Gideon could call me a junior bookkeeper and not a chief one as long as I got to go back to my work routine. Although I was drunk with joy, I couldn’t ignore the relationship that had been forged between Gideon and my temporary replacement, Erez. In the early days of my return, I didn’t pay any attention to it, as I was so busy getting back into my routine and seeing what had changed during my absence.

A week later, I could no longer ignore the warm relationship between the two. Erez would be closeted in Gideon’s office for hours and attended meetings inside and outside the office. I was surprised that Gideon was so enthusiastic about Erez. When I reviewed the situation, I was disappointed to see that Erez hadn’t completed many of the tasks assigned to him, and had left me a lot of work that was supposed to have been completed during my maternity leave. At first, I was afraid Erez was going to replace me permanently and I'd find myself out of the door once the law allowed it. I discovered that, during my maternity leave, Erez had finished his internship and was now awaiting his graduation to be a full-fledged CPA. I hoped that the fact that he was still employed through the accounting firm, rather than directly through our company, was a good indication that he wasn’t going to become a full-fledged employee at Smart Green.

Two weeks later, my hopes were dashed. Erez became a Smart Green employee, but, to my astonishment, he didn’t take my position. He became my immediate supervisor. Gideon called me to his office and told me that, during my absence, he’d been deeply impressed by Erez’s managerial abilities and decided to appoint him to the position of CFO, a position that was his own until then.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time,” he said. “There’s too much pressure on me, and I thought hiring a CFO would reduce the stress.”

I looked at him in shock. “You didn’t think to ask me first?”

“I thought about it, really I did. If you only knew how much you mean to me and to the company, which is exactly why I didn’t offer it to you.” I looked at him, shocked.

“You do your job beautifully. Erez wasn’t as good at it as you.” So he knew Erez only did half the work, and yet he still offered him a position senior to mine. “Erez is more of a businessman, like me. He doesn’t like dealing with the finance and the figures. He likes going to meetings and doing deals.” I remembered Erez telling me that this was exactly what he wanted to do. When he’d told me he wanted to be a CFO, I’d chuckled. I didn’t believe that a guy who’d only just got his certificate could be placed in such a senior role, and I certainly hadn’t imagined that he’d get it in the company where I worked.

I soon discovered that, in my absence, Erez had obtained credit lines for the company with two more banks and thus reduced costs by about twenty percent. He also brought in three big new customers and signed huge contracts with existing customers. I had to admit to myself that the guy was talented, but the offense of promoting a guy who was younger than me in age and seniority was too big.

My father's brother was an insurance agent, and when one of his customers told him he was looking for an accountant, he called me immediately. He remembered me telling him that I’d be happy to be an accountant instead of a bookkeeper. I didn’t think twice. 

Although Gideon tried to appease his guilty conscience by increasing my salary slightly without my even asking, he didn’t even consider updating my status by amending the definition of my job from bookkeeper to accountant, and I thought that after three years of work (two-and-a-half if you take into account the maternity leave) and after Erez’s meteoric promotion above me, it was the least I deserved. Gideon didn’t think so.

A week later, I got the job and two weeks later I was the accountant at AA Spices Ltd. Gideon was shocked when I walked in and handed him my letter of resignation. I didn’t understand why he was so surprised. Didn’t he understand that he’d pushed me out? I was so drunk from the euphoria of resigning from Smart Green and smiling happily into Gideon’s stunned face, that I totally ignored the bad stench that accompanied me as I entered my new position.

AA Spices Ltd. was an importer of spices and ingredients for the food industry. Their warehouse smelled so strongly that, in order to enter it, you had to wear a gas mask. The company offices were connected to the warehouses that were packed with hundreds of sacks of spices. The smell was so intense that, during the first week of my work, I couldn’t eat much of anything. Every day I got home, threw my clothes into the washing machine and went to scrub myself in the shower.

I soon realized that the stink wasn’t just physical. The transition to the spice company was so fast that I ignored all the warning lights that flickered all around me. All I saw was that I’d gotten a job as an accountant and that I’d improved my pay by about fifteen percent. I ignored the fact that the previous accountant had been dismissed in disgrace because he’d fought with the CEO and that the operations manager, who was the CEO’s right-hand man and deputy, gave me goose bumps from the first moment I met him at the interview. I had an uneasy feeling about the man, who appeared to derive perverse pleasure from lashing out at his workers. I knew I wouldn’t be answering directly to him, and I was hoping that this was just a fleeting feeling, so I chose to ignore my intuition.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

I found that the operations manager was also a secondary shareholder in the company and spread terror among the workers. Before I even stepped through the door I was on his blacklist because he’d wanted to appoint a distant relative of his, so that he could control the accounts department. The CEO understood his strategy and chose me, both because I wasn’t related to any of them and because I accepted a salary that was about forty percent lower than the operations manager’s relative requested.

I realized that I’d find myself out of the company within a few months or years and decided to concentrate on work and try to ignore all the fray going on around me. It very quickly became clear that I didn’t have a lot of work to do. The work was monotonous and boring, and I often spent long days browsing aimlessly on the Internet. I had nothing to do; the volume of work didn’t justify the employment of a full-time accountant. I’d left an exciting and challenging job with a fascinating company for a monotonous and boring role with a rotten one.

Unfortunately, I had no refuge at home. My relationship with Amir was in the worst state we’d experienced since the day we met. The crisis began during my maternity leave with Tom, when I felt I was sinking into a mountain of diapers, pacifiers and laundry that required constant folding. When I returned to work at Smart Green, Amir initially supported me when I whined incessantly about Erez’ surprising appointment, but at some point he grew tired of hearing my incessant complaints. I tired him out with the same stories every day. He was obviously pleased when I went to work for the spice company. He thought, as I did at first, that I could now put my bitterness behind me, but the new situation only worsened my mood. I took out all my anger and frustration on him and the children.

I was so absorbed in myself and my troubles that I completely disconnected myself from the environment. I barely spoke or met with my family or friends. I knew that Daria was pregnant again, but due to my self-imposed isolation, it took me by surprise when I heard that Daria had given birth to her third child. Each time she’d talked to me about the pregnancy, I was sure she was only in mid-pregnancy. I was a bit surprised by the fact that Daria decided to have another child. I thought that two was enough for her. I knew Inbal wanted quite a few children, and I was sorry she hadn’t gotten pregnant again.

We all met up at the traditional event organized in honor of Daria’s new baby and her rapid return to her pre-baby weight. Daria was standing at the entrance to the hall and flashing a plastic smile at her guests, but when I arrived, she attacked me with hugs and kisses.

“I haven’t seen you for so long!” she scolded me. She was right. I’d had no desire to meet with anyone for months.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered, looking for the new baby.

“Come on,” she said, wrapping her arm around my waist. “Asi’s somewhere round here with the stroller. I'll introduce you to our sweet Galia.”

Daria pulled me into the yard. Asi was standing calmly under a broad mint tree, pushing the stroller back and forth. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten,” she said confidentially.

“Forgotten what?”

“It's your birthday,” she winked at me. I smiled. I never made a fuss about my birthday. “Don’t leave early, because I have a little surprise for you,” she said and went to the stroller and picked up a tiny red-cheeked baby.

I wasn’t a very motherly person, and I wasn’t usually keen on babies, but this was the sweetest baby I’d ever seen. I couldn’t resist holding out my hands to her. Daria carefully handed Galia to me, and she leaned into my embrace so very naturally. I stroked her little cheek and held her tiny hand. Automatically, she grabbed my finger. I bent my head and kissed her little hand.

“She’s a cutie, isn’t she?” Daria was waiting for my approval.

“Oh, yes,” I said, unable to turn my gaze away from the baby. She was simply mesmerizing. Asi came up to me and took the baby away from me almost forcefully. “She’s calmed down now, so we should take her back in to see the guests,” he said.

I sat down next to Inbal and smiled at her. I knew that the event wasn’t easy for her. Adi, her younger daughter, was almost three years old now. Inbal was almost a year older than me, so she was almost thirty-three years old. I knew she wanted at least two more children and time was not in her favor.

“How are you?” she asked as she tied a ribbon in Coral’s hair and sent her back to the children’s entertainer.

“Excellent,” I lied. “And you?”

“Okay.” She found it harder to lie than I did.

“Where's David?” I looked around as if searching for him.

“He’ll be along later. He’s finishing a shift.”

“Won’t he be tired?”

“They didn’t have any callouts on this shift, so he mostly slept,” she laughed. “Where’s Amir?”

“At home with Tom, who has a fever. Nofar looks as if she’s starting to develop something too, so she stayed at home as well,” I lied again. In fact, Nofar didn’t want to come alone with me.

“Oh, God,” she said anxiously. “Nothing serious?”

“I don’t think so… just a light stomach virus.”

“Yeah, Coral had something similar two weeks ago.” I smiled at her with a lack of interest. Gossip about children’s viruses had never interested me. I looked at the elderly couple who joined our table and remembered the previous party, two and a half years earlier, when I’d met Lior and Aya. Despite Aya’s delight at the thought of us spending our maternity leaves together, I’d stayed confined to home for most of my months off. Our relationship had withered until it just ended completely.

“Where are Aya and Lior?” I asked Daria as she passed by.

“You didn’t hear?” she said with a bright smile. I knew she didn’t like my friendship with Aya, and was delighted to find that the relationship no longer existed. “They went to Harvard just two months ago.”

“What did they go there for?”

“Lior was offered a PhD fellowship as a professor.”

“Wow,” Inbal marveled. “Weren’t they the two lawyers who sat with us at your last event?”

“Yes,” Daria said proudly, as if she herself had received the prestigious offer. “An amazingly successful couple.”

“What will she do there?” I asked.

“I don’t know. The truth is, it always seemed to me that, despite all her success, what she wanted most was to be home with the kids, so now it’ll work out well for her. She has another child due soon, so everything’s worked out well for her.”

“She’s pregnant again?” I asked incredulously. “She doesn’t waste any time!”

“Yes... she got pregnant fairly quickly after the last birth. I couldn’t understand why the matter was so pressing.” 

I looked at Inbal and saw that this conversation was painful for her. She couldn’t get pregnant for a third time. Quite surprisingly, Daria also noticed Inbal’s pain and quickly changed the subject. 

“How’s it going with your new job?” she asked me. “I understand you've moved to a different company, a very big importer. Asi’s heard of them.”

“Yes,” I smiled in exaggerated modesty. “It’s a highly stable company.” I couldn’t find one good word to add. Luckily, another guest grabbed Daria’s attention, and I was spared from having to say any more about AA Spices Ltd.

Little Adi went to Inbal and pulled her from her seat. She wanted her to go and watch the clown who was entertaining the children. I looked at Inbal and the girls, and I felt tears welling in my eyes. I suddenly realized that I spent most of my life feeling negative feelings. I was thirty-two that same day. Just sixteen years ago, that car accident had wiped out all of my childhood memories. Everyone had told me that I was a gifted child and was full of life, an excellent student and a good athlete. Out of all of the girls in our high school, David the hunk had chose me to be his girlfriend. Where did that girl disappear to? Did the memory loss make me lose my personality too?

I felt I could no longer control my tears and went outside. I headed for my car. I wanted to sit quietly by myself for a few minutes. Right at the entrance to the parking lot, I almost collided with David, who was just arriving.

“Hey… hey!” He grabbed me by my hand. “What happened?”

I didn’t want him to see me crying, and I turned my face away from him. “Nothing,” I said.

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” he said and took out a small packet of tissues from his pocket and pulled one out. He wiped my cheek gently and handed me the tissue so I could finish the job.

We sat on a small staircase leading to the entrance of an abandoned building.

When my crying had subsided and my breathing was back to its regular rhythm, he asked gently, “Now will you tell me what happened?”

“Nothing, really.” He looked at me incredulously. “I mean, nothing specific,” I corrected myself. “I just feel like a complete failure.”

“You're absolutely not a failure.”

“Believe me, I am.” I blew my nose again. “I can’t do anything right in my life.”

“What do you mean? You have a great husband, two beautiful children and a good job.”

“Yeah, right,” I said in a disgruntled tone.

“What ? You think no one else has problems?” He patted my shoulder. “You think no one else ever has a crisis? Having difficulties and problems in life doesn’t make you a failure.”

“I don’t think you and Inbal have problems and difficulties.”

“Sure we do.” He looked at me in a familiar way. I recognized it from the hospital, when I was sixteen. “But we overcome them.”

I looked at him quizzically. This man could have been my husband. This amazing man, with the beautiful blue gaze, had loved me once. I knew he had loved me, but I couldn’t ever remember the feeling. For the first time since the accident, sixteen years earlier, I had the strange feeling that I was beginning to remember the way I’d felt.

We were sitting next to each other, and suddenly I pressed my lips to his. I have no idea where I got the courage to do that. At first, I felt him respond to my kiss, but suddenly he grabbed me by the shoulders and distanced himself from me forcibly.

“What are you doing?” he said, shocked… or angry. I couldn’t quite interpret his response.

I looked down and when I lifted my eyes again, he was walking determinedly toward the hall. He was just across the road, and I wanted to say something… apologize, explain, try to kiss him again… I didn’t know what I wanted, but I didn’t want him to go further away.

“David!” I shouted. He turned to me. “Wait!” I begged, and I started running toward him.