Deeper We Fall (21 page)

“Heavy.”

“Nah. Nothing a little music can’t fix. There isn’t anything that music can’t fix.”

That sounded so much like something Gramps would have said. My thumb brushed the lighter.

Stryker continued. “I mean, I’ve been on nearly every pill and drug and whatever that you can smoke, inhale or otherwise get into your body. They all got me high for a while, but I always crashed afterwards. But I can play a song on the drums, or my guitar, or the piano or the ukulele and I’m high off it for hours. No crash, no end to the good feeling. It sounds lame, but music is my drug of choice now.”

He picked at his nails, which were painted a purple so dark it was almost black.

“I used. When I was in Carter and FUA. It didn’t last,” I said, remembering my brief dip back into my old life. Granted, it had given me a reason to talk to Charlotte, but I wasn’t going to try it again.

“What did you replace it with?”

I had to think about what gave me the feeling drugs did.

“Running. Books. Taking pictures.”

Being around Charlotte
.

I didn’t mention the last thing.

Stryker nodded in understanding.

“So we’re cool?” I said.

“I told you, I don’t judge people based on their pasts. I judge people on how they act in the present. No sense in worrying about the past. It’s not going to worry about you.”

He was so free about it. Just a shoulder-shrug and the past was past.

I couldn’t shrug off my load so easily. Maybe that was because I was weaker, or it was just too heavy.

Lottie

Miracle of miracles, I didn’t see Zan again for a whole week. I either saw him a million times, or none at all. I wished it would just be the second, but no such luck. At least that was what I told myself.

I kept close watch on Katie, but she and Zack seemed to be getting along. I made it a point to text her repeatedly when she was out with him, asking stupid questions about where the broom was, or if she’d seen my favorite socks. It was totally transparent, but she always answered me. She was still intent on her makeover plan, but she’d let me in on very few of the details.

We had more crime show marathons when she wasn’t with Zack or her friends. I said it was fine if they came over, but every time they did, all they wanted to do was go somewhere else. They half-heartedly invited me and I always turned them down.

Katie was arguing with someone on the phone when I got back from class on Friday. I had to rush because I had work, but I wasn’t going to leave until I knew who she was talking to.

“No, I’m not talking about this with you right now… No, I will… I will… Yeah, I love you too… Bye.” She chucked her phone onto her bed in disgust.

“Who was that?”

“My mom. She’s bugging me about choosing a major. No, that’s wrong. She’s bugging me about choosing the major she wants me to choose.”

“Which is?”

“Education. Or nursing. Something stable that I have no interest in.”

“What are you interested in?” I knew so little about her, and it was partially my fault.

She sat back on her mountain of pillows.

“I don’t know. Lots of things.” She picked a thread on one of the pillows and tied it in a knot. “Nothing that my mom would think was worthwhile. Her other plan is for me to marry some guy who will take care of me.”

What the hell? “Is it 1954?”

“Right? She just doesn’t get it.”

I didn’t mention the fact that Zack was headed for a lucrative career, even if he didn’t make onto a professional baseball team. He’d have his MBA to fall back on, and a stepfather that had a successful business career. I couldn’t remember in what. I just remembered seeing him in a suit at all of the games.

“Oh crap, I’m late for work,” I said, noticing the time on her pink clock.

She waved her hand. “It’s fine, go ahead.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll figure it out.” She shrugged, trying to brush it off.

“If you want to talk later, I’m here.”

She smiled and turned the television on. “Thanks.”

***

“I have something to tell you,” Trish said during a dead moment at work. She made sure to speak quietly, because Claudia was on the warpath since one of the other workers had quit without two weeks’ notice so we were short-staffed before Halloween. I couldn’t pick up any more hours than I already had, but Trish had jumped at it. I wondered when that girl slept.

“Okay.” Trish wasn’t the kind of person who held anything back. She tossed her hair back and fiddled with her scissors.

“Seriously, what? You’re acting like you strangled someone and want to ask me if I have a storage unit you can use to hide the body,” I said.

“I would never hide a body in a storage unit. You know, if I needed to hide one. That’s just gross. Unless you had a really good chest freezer… Never mind. This isn’t about hiding a body.”

“What is it about?”

She peered at me from under her orange bangs. “Zan Parker.”

And my good luck was up. At least it had lasted an entire week.

“And what about him?”

“My stupid brother has decided to be friends with him, even after I told him about everything.”

I shrugged. “So?”

“You’re not pissed?”

“I don’t even know your brother. It’s none of my business who he’s friends with.” Claudia stormed by, so we both shut our mouths and made our hands busy until she’d gone back into her office.

“Now if you said he was friends with Zack Parker, then I would question his sanity,” I said when it was safe to talk again.

“I’m not very happy about it, but Stryker doesn’t listen to anyone about anything. As long as I don’t have to be nice to him, I’m good. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Seriously, it’s fine. No big.” Who was I to judge?

“You’re awesome.” She held up her scissors and I grabbed mine and we tapped them together. It was our version of the high five.

I checked the mail on the way back to my room later that night and found a stupid card from the school with a 15 percent off coupon for one item at the bookstore, and one more thing.

A blue lanyard with a clip on the bottom for my key card.

I only needed one guess to know who had put it in there, even without a note.

For a brief second, I thought about tossing it in the trash. I didn’t want him to see me wearing it and read more into it than he should.

Then again, did I really care what Zan Parker thought? No one else would know he’d given it to me.

I snapped my card into the clip and put it around my neck.

Chapter Twenty-two

Zan

A knock on my door Saturday morning snapped me out of my reverie. I’d been listening to Bob Dylan this time and reading a cheap thriller novel.

“Open up.” It was Zack. He pounded a few more times before I went to open the door.

“You, football game, now.” He was grinning like he’d already had too much to drink. Katie stood next to him and looked everywhere but at me.

“I’ll pass.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” Zack said, slinging his arm around my shoulder and yanking me into the hallway. “You are boring and serious and it’s time you had some normal fun. Let’s go.”

His arm clamped around my neck like a vise and he steered me away from my door.

I let him.

“You will also be pleased to know that Hottie and her posse are coming too.”

“Charlotte is coming?”

“Yes, so you should get drunk and finally get laid. Here.” He reached in his pocket and handed me one of those tiny bottles of alcohol you got on airplanes or in hotel rooms.

“Drink up, dude. Liquid courage.” He was ‘courageous’ enough for the both of us. I handed him the bottle back, meeting Katie’s eyes for a split second.

“All the more for me.” He put it back in his pocket, where it clinked against however many other bottles he had.

We made our slow way down to the field. Mostly because Zack wasn’t all that steady. I wasn’t worried about him getting caught, because he definitely wasn’t going to be the drunkest one there. Not by a long shot.

The only glimmer of positivity I could see in going to the game was that at least I’d get to see if Charlotte had kept my present or if she’d gotten rid of it as quick as she could.

I made myself a little bet as we walked down. If she was wearing it, I’d talk to her. If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t.

Or maybe I’d just suck it up and talk to her anyway.

Lottie

A late September cold snap caused all of us to bundle up for the game on Saturday. Will brought his backpack which had a couple of thermoses of coffee and a couple of blankets, just in case. Everyone looked like they were smoking when they breathed, and I was already wishing I’d worn an extra coat by the time we got down to the field.

“Have you seen Katie?” I said as I scanned the line. We were meeting her and Zack. I cringed at the thought of sitting through an entire sporting event sitting near him, but at least I could keep an eye on them.

“Not yet,” Will said, pretending he hadn’t been staring at Audrey.

“Shit, I forgot my stupid gloves,” I said as we joined the end of the admissions line.

“Well, you can’t go back and get them,” Will said. “There’s no way they’re going to let you get back through the line.”

“Do you want mine?” Audrey pulled off hers, which were leather and fitted her elegant fingers as if they were made for her.

“I knew I should have brought an extra pair. Sorry, Lot,” Simon said.

“Thanks guys, I’m fine.” I stuck my hands in my pockets. That would have to do.

“You can have mine.” A pair of gloves entered my line of vision, held toward me from over my shoulder.

I turned to see Zan, Zack and Katie. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I wasn’t the only one, as I saw Will’s eyes narrow and Simon’s smile fall. Audrey just looked them both over. This was the first time she’d seen either of the Brothers of Doom.

“Do you want them?” He held out the gloves to me again.

“I’m fine. What is with everyone’s sudden concern for my hand welfare?”

“Because I don’t want to hear you bitching about how cold your hands are for the next few hours,” Will grumbled loud enough for me to hear. Simon laughed, but I could tell it took him some effort. He and Will turned around and started talking with Audrey, and Katie pulled Zack’s attention away, so the first awkward moment of the day was broken. I knew there would be many more.

Zan put the gloves back in his pocket.

The line in front of us started moving a few minutes later, and we climbed the loud metal bleachers to find seats. Of course, since we were near the end of the line, we had to go all the way to the top. My butt was already cringing, thinking about sitting on the cold metal bench.

There was a shuffle to decide who would sit next to whom, and somehow I ended up being one of the last ones in, and guess who was sitting next to me? Karma was kicking me in the ass again.

“You don’t mind, do you?” Zan said as he slid onto the seat next to me.

Hell yes, I minded, but the stands were filling up fast and I didn’t want to look like a heartless bitch in front of everyone. So I just shook my head and scooted over so I was as close to Audrey as possible. A sharp wind snapped at our faces, and I was already wishing the game was over.

“Will? You wanna pass out the blankets?” Audrey had her arms around herself and Katie was rubbing her hands together.

“What is with girls and being cold?” he said as he passed the bag down. I got out one and spread it across my lap, sharing with Audrey. The other blanket went to Will and Simon, with Katie getting a little bit of the corner.

“I’ll keep you warm, babe,” I heard Zack say. Actually, it was more of a slurr. He was already wasted, and I wasn’t the only one who saw him pulling little nip bottles out of his pockets.  At least he was on the very opposite end from me. Thankful for small mercies.

“You want to share?” I said to Zan without looking at him.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Zan fixed his eyes on the field as the cheerleaders got ready to welcome in the players. He was wearing a grey wool peacoat and a matching newsboy cap. If I could take away my feelings and be objective, I’d say he looked good. More than good.

I glanced around at the other students. A group of raucous guys in front of us were already three sheets to the wind and yelling out epithets at the other team. They all guffawed as if was the funniest thing ever. One of them leaned back and banged into my knee.

“Sorry,” he said with a burp. Classy.

“I’ve never been much for organized sports,” Zan said.

“Then why did you come?”

“Because my brother showed up at my door this morning and told me I had to come. That’s the short answer.”

“Is there a long answer?” He turned his head and looked at me full on.

“That he told me you’d be here.”

I stared out at the field, refusing to meet his eyes. “I don’t get you. I just don’t get you.”

“I know.”

“Why am I even talking to you? I hate you,” I said more to myself than to him, glad the lanyard was under my coat where he couldn’t see it.

We were interrupted as the stands roared with the arrival of the DU Bull Moose. Of course we had to stand and cheer with everyone else, or look like traitors.

I spent most of the first half trying to make Audrey understand the intricacies of football, with random input from Will and Simon.

Zan was silent. Having him so close to me for such a long time was completely distracting. Our legs were just about touching, and if I leaned just a little to my left, our shoulders would have bumped. They actually did touch a few times, but I ignored it.

I’d completely lost track of the game, but everyone was cheering, so I figured we’d scored another touchdown. I glanced at the scoreboard, and we were up by more than ten points.

We all counted down to halftime and got on our feet to cheer again.

“My butt is numb,” Audrey said as we stretched our backs.