Deeper We Fall (9 page)

I couldn’t be the last one to leave her.

“You’re never going to do that, Lot,” Simon said.

“I’m going to bed,” I said, wiping my eyes and getting up.

“Lottie,” Will said.

“Just leave me alone.”

My room was dark when I opened the door. Katie still wasn’t back from her date. It wasn’t super late, but I was wondering if she was going to make it back. I wished I could text her, but I didn’t have her number.

I turned off all the lights except for one lamp and put some music on; just a compilation of soft piano tunes. I went back to Mockingbird, wishing I had an Atticus Finch to give me life advice.

I woke the next morning and Katie’s bed was empty.

Shit.

I’d known the girl for less than a week, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t concerned about her. I had enough time to go down to the dining hall for breakfast before my first class, so I booted up my computer and checked my neglected Facebook account.

Yes, there was a message from Katie, telling me that she’d spent the night with Zack and leaving me her cell number. I added it to my phone and then texted Simon to see if he wanted to have breakfast. Will had an eight o’clock class, so he was on his way already. Somehow Will and I had gotten put in the same bio class, so I’d see him at least once today.

“You okay?” Simon said when I met him in front of his door.

“Is that your sweet way of saying I look like shit?” I’d seen my face in the mirror. My clear blue eyes looked even paler than ever, which, added to the fact that I had blonde hair and couldn’t hold a tan to save my life, added to the ghost look I was rocking. If I’d lived in Jane Austen’s time, I would have been the shit. All the Mr. Darcy’s would have wanted me.

“I would never say that, Lot. You just look… less than rested.”

“You’re sweet,” I said, giving him a side hug as we walked down the hill to the dining hall.

“Will’s really sorry. He was pissed at himself for the rest of the night.”

“It’s not his fault, and it’s not like I haven’t heard it before. It’s just hard when everyone tells you to stop doing what you know is right.”

“Maybe he realized that he couldn’t help her anymore.”

“That sounds like the easy way out.”

“I know, but there is no easy way out.”

He had a point there.

“I can’t abandon her.”

“You’re not abandoning her. No one would think that, after all you’ve done. Don’t you remember when her parents were begging you to go home?” Of course I did.

“She’s my best friend.” Simon stopped walking, pulling me onto the grass in front of one of the other dorms so people could pass us.

“Lottie, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened.”

“I’m not,” I said.

“Yes, you are. You know it, I know it, I’m sure even Lexie knows it, deep down.”

“Lexie doesn’t remember it. She doesn’t remember her birthday.”

He put both his hands on my shoulders and looked at me in a way that made me want to look away.

“You have to stop punishing yourself.”

I took a deep breath and let it out.

“Can we please go to breakfast?”

Simon squeezed my shoulders before letting go.

“Hop on my back,” he said, leaning down. I rolled my eyes, but jumped on his back as he carried me the rest of the way.

I wasn’t punishing myself. There were other people who needed to be punished. The court thought they had been, but I sure as hell didn’t think so. Zack and Zan were never going to be off the hook for what they’d done.

They hadn’t killed her, but they’d killed her potential. What she could have been. Before the accident, she’d been in the top five in our class, on the fast track to an Ivy League school. They took that away from her.

And I hadn’t been there for her. Everyone said I was lucky to not be there, but all I could think was that if I had been there, I might have been able to do something to stop it. Irrational as it was, I couldn’t help what I felt.

“Um, you might not want to look now, but B of D number two is over there again,” Simon hissed in my ear as we walked into the dining hall. He didn’t have to tell me. It was like I had Zandar, in addition to my twindar.

He was in the same seat, in the same position, but he was reading a different book. I kicked myself for noticing the fact that it was a different book because that meant that I was noticing things about Zan Parker.

I wanted to wipe his existence from my life, not notice that the cover of the book he was reading today was blue and yesterday’s was mostly green.

I turned my back and got in line, Simon behind me so he blocked most of my view of Zan. I stared at the back of the guy in front of me, telling myself that his flannel shirt was the most fascinating pattern I’d ever seen.

Blue, green, yellow, gray. Blue, green, yellow, gray.

“Lot,” Simon said, poking me in the back. “Pay attention. The line is moving.” I’d been gumming up the works, so I shuffled forward to get my pancakes and hash browns.

“I’ll get your tea. Green?” Simon said as we sat down as far away from Zan as we could get. The place was more crowded, so our options were limited.

“Sure.”

My eyes started to drift in Zan’s direction, as if to check and see that he was still here. That he wasn’t some sort of elaborate nightmare mirage thing I’d cooked up in my brain. Nope, he was real.

I stabbed at my pancakes, trying to remember my schedule for the day. The solution to my Brothers of Doom problem was to not think about them. If I didn’t acknowledge their presence, they didn’t exist. They were the cat inside that box that didn’t exist.

“Your tea, my lady,” Simon said, handing me my cup with a flourish. Ah, sweet nectar of the gods.

“You ready for our very first day of the rest of our lives?”

“You sound like the start of a really crappy movie right now.”

“Wow, you’re extra grumpy this morning.”

I gave him a look.

“Oh, right. So, um… that duckling thing stands for that one too,” he said, jerking his head in Zan’s direction. “Although, Will said he heard about some pretty rough stuff he got involved in at that place.”

“What stuff?” This was the first I was hearing of it.

“Oh, shit. I just assumed he’d told you. I sometimes forget you have two brains. Most of the time I think you’re one brain in two bodies.”

“Thanks, Simon.”

“You knew what I meant.”

“And back to what you heard from Will,” I said, jabbing him with my butter knife.

“Well, if he didn’t tell you, then I’m probably not supposed to.” I poked him again with the knife.

“Whatever, it’s not like he told me not to tell you.” I waited. Zan was still reading by himself.

“It’s nothing huge. Just that he got in a lot of fights and stuff. There was also a story about him stabbing someone, but the facts on that are pretty murky.”

“Where did Will get it from?”

“Who do you think?”

“Joel?”

“Oh my God, how did you guess?” Simon said, feigning shock. “Joel never knew how to keep his mouth shut about anything. You know it’s probably not true. Things have a tendency to get blown out of proportion. Especially things like this.”

“Don’t I know it.” I’d been the victim of the vicious rumor mill many times before.

“I shouldn’t have told you. Your face is doing that thing it does when you’re thinking too much.”

“Jesus, is it insult Lottie day?”

“No, I just suck at the making you feel better thing. See? This is why I’m gay. I suck at talking to girls.”

That made me laugh, and some of the tension I’d been holding since I saw Zack the day before evaporated. It didn’t entirely leave me. It would never leave me.

“You ready?” I’d barely touched my breakfast, but Simon knew how I was when I was upset. I either ate like a horse, or I didn’t eat at all. This was one of those not-eating times.

I volunteered to take up our trays, but as I set them on the conveyor belt to go to the kitchen, I felt him behind me. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to.

I snapped around and nearly crashed into him. He didn’t even blink as I tried to catch my balance, and tried to do whatever I could not to touch him.

“Sorry,” he said. That simple word ignited the logs of tension I’d been piling up since I’d seen his brother two days before.

“Oh, you’re sorry? Well, that’s fan-fucking-tastic. You know what I’m sorry about? I’m sorry you and your brother ever existed. Because you know what? If you didn’t, my best friend would probably remember what a fucking elephant is.” I didn’t realize how loud my voice was until I stopped talking and realized everyone was staring at me. In addition to a rambling problem, I also tended to have a volume control problem.

Zan took my verbal assault with stoic indifference, which just pissed me off more. Luckily, Simon started tugging at my arm. Dragging was actually a better word to describe it.

“Just leave her alone,” Simon hissed at Zan.

“I’m sorry. Again,” Zan said to both of us.

“Let’s go,” Simon said, giving me a little tug, like I was a dog on the end of a leash who wouldn’t heel. I glared at Zan the entire time Simon was pulling me away, not even caring that the entire dining hall had erupted in conversation about me.

Once Simon had me outside, I yanked my arm out of his iron grip. A few people walked out behind us, and a few glanced backward at me before going on their merry way. I was going to be the talk of the campus very soon.

“Don’t say anything,” I said, cutting him off before he could tell me I’d made a scene for no reason.

“Okay,” he said, holding his hands up.

“You weren’t supposed to say anything.”

“Fine, I won’t say anything.”

“You’re doing it again.” He pretended to zip his lips closed and tossed away an imaginary key before crossing his arms and giving me the stare down. I knew what he was doing.

“What was I supposed to do? Just pretend he didn’t bump into me on purpose? You know he meant to do it.” I paused and waited for Simon to comment, knowing he wouldn’t.

“Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said fuck so many times. I should have taken the high road and turned the other cheek and all that, but I’m not that kind of girl. You know I’m not. I suck at keeping my mouth shut.”

Simon nodded in agreement.

“I don’t have to justify myself.”

Simon shrugged.

“I don’t.”

He shrugged again.

“Shut up.”

He gave me a look.

“Yeah, I know you didn’t say anything. But you were thinking it.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Don’t you have class?”

He nodded and tapped his arm as if pointing at a watch.

“Go, get to class. Oh, can you do me a favor? Don’t tell Will. I mean, I’m sure he’ll find out about it, but in case he doesn’t, please?”

He nodded.

“You can talk now.”

He opened his mouth wide and moved his jaw back and forth, as if it was stiff.

“Thank God.”

I just started walking.

“See you later, Lot,” he called as I walked toward the dorm and he walked toward his first class. “Try not to bump into anyone else today. I think you’ve already used up your allotted effs for the day.”

I showed a special eff finger to his back as he walked away, waving over his shoulder.

Chapter Nine

Zan

I saw a moment to say something to her, and I took it. My only intention was to apologize for the other day with the cups, but maybe it was something more. My attempt to start to change her perception of me. My attempt to start showing her how sorry I really was for everything. As futile as that was.

She had every right to lash out at me. I deserved it. I wasn’t trying to stalk her, or bother her, but that was how I came across. Not much I could do to change that, except probably not approach her from behind like a creepy stalker.

I headed off to calculus trying to think of anything but Charlotte.

Fuck that.

The problem was, everything made me think of Charlotte.

I tried using a trick Miss Carole taught me to help me clear out my negative thoughts. I took every thought I didn’t want to have, imagined blowing it into a balloon and releasing it. I blew Charlotte and her hair and her eyes and the way she walked and her laugh and her smile into thousands of balloons and tried to let them go.

I was still working on that when I got to class. I was almost late, so the only seat left was next to a guy with hair that had been bleached recently, and a silver ring in his lip. He gave me a nod as I sat down, and I returned it. A lot of the guys at Carter had rocked a similar look.

Our professor turned out to just be a grad student math genius named Quan who wasn’t much older than most of his students. He droned through the syllabus as I filled more thought balloons with Charlotte. The guy next to me was busy drawing in his notebook, and seemed to be going for the World Slouching Record.

By the time class ended, half of the people were asleep and the other half were on their way, while the guy next to me, whose name was Stryker as I found out when our professor called roll, had completed four drawings. From what I could see out of the corner of my eye, they were all comic-looking scenes, and they were all good.

Everyone sighed in relief when Quan said we could go, after giving us our first homework assignment. Stryker gave me another nod in goodbye and I returned it. Maybe next class we’d graduate to actual words.

I spent the rest of the day filling millions and millions of Lottie thought balloons and trying to let them go.

I texted Miss Carole about moving in and my first day of classes. She messaged back that she was proud of me and I should check my mailbox because there might be something in it.

Right around the afternoon I started feeling tense. The encounter with Charlotte had thrown me, more so than I thought it would. I’d stopped taking the meds my doctor had put me on to “regulate” my moods this summer. That had also been Miss Carole’s idea, although if my parents ever found out I wasn’t taking them, I’d be screwed. Those pills messed with my head and made me foggy and sleepy and not give a shit about anything. They made everything ten thousand times harder to do.