Deeper (15 page)

“I
know,” I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

“I
really should. But I just can’t,” he answered, and I looked back up at him. He
was standing and was running his hand through his messy, disheveled hair before
he leaned down again.

Kris
sat down next to me and gently took my face in his hands. Staring into my eyes,
he whispered roughly, “I love you, Jess. I’m not giving up on us. We
will
get through this.”

I
reached up and wrapped my hands around his wrists. I wanted this, wanted him,
so much. But I couldn’t let him give up everything he’d worked hard for just to
stay with me. It was selfish of me to ask him of that and I wasn’t going to tag
along behind him like a lost puppy. Even though I wanted nothing more than to
be forever in his arms, I had to stick to my guns. I was worthless; nothing.
The sooner he realized that the better things would be for him.

“I
love you too, Kris, so much, but this doesn’t change anything. It can’t
change.”

“Jess,”
he began to plead, but I stopped him.

“I
love you. I’ve always loved you, but Kris, sometimes love just isn’t enough.
I’m not enough.”

“How
the fuck can you say that?” He glared at me with tears brimming in his eyes.
“Why are you doing this?”

“Because
this is never going to work!” I shouted. “You proved my point by racing back
when you heard I was hurt. You dropped everything to come back here and this is
not what I wanted for you!”

“Are
you fucking kidding me? Crystal almost beat you to death and killed our child!
How the fuck can you think I wouldn’t come back for you?”

“Kris,
please don’t make this any harder than it already is,” I cried.

I
tried to wiggle out of Kris’ grip, but held my face as tight as he could
without hurting me. “Don’t do this,” he demanded.

“Please
let me go,” I whispered, tears pouring down my face.

“I
love you,” he said softly. The tears that were threatening to fall were now
gliding down his cheeks.

I
tried to pull away again but he wasn’t giving up and before I could say
anything his lips crashed against mine.

I
whimpered and opened my mouth to say stop, but his tongue darted across my
bottom lip and lightly touched mine. I could taste both of our tears as I let
him in.

This
kiss was obviously an attempt to get me to back down and no matter how badly I
wanted to I wasn’t going to give in. However, I wanted to stay in this moment
with him forever but the longer this dragged on, the more I wanted to hang on
and let him stay. He needed to be rid of all of this badness here, me included.

I
was about to pull away from him but before I could, he surprised me and stopped
the kiss first. He still had tears in his eyes as he reluctantly let go of my
face. He stood up from the bed and moved toward the door. He looked back and
glanced at me, his expression blank.

“Kris?”
I asked, knowing that this might be the last time I’d ever see him.

“I
had to do that at least one more time. Take care of yourself,” he said quietly,
and with those last words he left my hospital room without a backward glance.

When
the door closed and I was left all alone, I looked around the hospital room and
realized that I truly was on my own from now on. I had no one anymore and I had
no one to blame but myself. I lay back in the bed and cried to myself over what
I’d lost and what I’d purposely given up. I did all of this to myself and now I
would have to forever live with the knowledge that my baby was dead and the
love of my life would never speak to me again…and it was all my own fault.

Kris

One Year
Later

Sleep.

Eat.

Play
a show.

Fuck
a groupie.

Drink
myself back to sleep.

Repeat.

That
had been my routine for the past year since I’d been without Jess and tonight
was no exception. I was balls deep inside some random girl and was nearing the
finish line when I suddenly heard a loud bang on the bathroom door.

“You
ready to go on yet, man?” Beau yelled through the door as he banged on it hard.
“This crowd is getting pretty antsy.”

The
brunette groupie that I’d picked out as my cock warmer for the night was
moaning and panting as I pounded into her from behind. I had her bent over the
bathroom sink and was almost about to get my rocks off. The pounding on the
door distracted me and I had to thrust harder to get my concentration back.

“Give
me a fucking minute!” I growled and gripped the girl’s hips tighter as I fucked
her as hard and fast as I could. I didn’t give a damn if she was enjoying any
of this; I was just trying to forget for a few minutes how I’d had my heart
ripped out and stomped on by the only girl I’d ever loved.

When
I finished I quickly pulled out of her and tossed the condom I was wearing into
the trash can next to the toilet. I tucked my dick back into my pants and
smacked her on the ass.

“I’ve
got to go,” I mumbled to her as I pulled open the door.

“You
want to hook up again after the show?” she asked, smoothing out her super short
skirt.

I
looked at her and wondered in that moment why the hell I’d picked this girl. I
knew it was sick, but when I was picking out a girl to fuck for the night, I
always ended up going for blue-eyed brunettes. None of them were the one I
wanted though…

“Nah,
I’m cool, but thanks.” I started to buckle my belt and turned away from her.

I
could feel her eyes boring into the back of my head and I turned to find her
shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

“Are
you kidding me?” she pouted. “You’re just going to fuck me for a few minutes in
a grungy bathroom and that’s it?”

I
rolled my eyes at her and sighed.

“Seriously?
You’re going to stand here and be pissed at me right now? You knew me for all
of ten minutes before you let me bring you in here and bend you over the sink.
You obviously knew what this was so don’t stand there being a judgmental bitch
when just a few minutes ago you were bent over and had those legs spread for
me.”

She
gasped and before I could react she moved lightning fast and slapped my face
hard. “Go fuck yourself,” she screamed as she left the room.

I
rolled my eyes and grabbed my drumsticks off the table in the dressing room as
I stepped out into the hallway to meet up with my band brothers. They were all
standing against the wall with their arms crossed. None of them said a word to
me as I walked past them down the hall and to the entrance to the stage.

They
followed behind me and as we all took our places, I sat down on the stool
behind my drum kit and could feel all of their eyes on me. I looked up at them
and was annoyed to find them all staring at me like I’d done something wrong.

“What
is it?” I snapped.

Ryder
slid the strap of his guitar over his shoulder and glared at me.

“Really,
Kris? What the fuck is your problem?”

“What
do you mean? I don’t have a god damned problem. My life is fucking perfect!” I
yelled.

“You’re
being a fucking dick and you have been ever since-”

“Ever
since the girl I loved pushed me away for the second time about an hour after I
found out that our baby, that I didn’t know about and was never going to be
told about by the way, was dead?”

Beau
shook his head and sighed. “Kris-”

“What?
I just said it so you didn’t have to. And I’m not being a dick. I’m just living
my life like a fucking rock star. I mean, this is what she wanted for me,
right?”

Jude
ran a hand over his Mohawk and frowned. “Kris, we’re just worried, all right?”

I
rolled my eyes as I heard the roar of the crowd get louder as they chanted the
band’s name. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. You just keep playing your bass
and chasing tail. I can take care of myself.”

Before
Jude or the others could reply, I twirled my drumsticks in my fingers and began
to hit the bass drum with my foot. Our first song of every set was one that
always began with me doing a drum solo that built so the crowd would be amped.
The guys followed suit and began to play on cue and right before the curtain
dropped, Ryder tossed one more contentious glance at me over his shoulder and
silently let me know that this discussion wasn’t over. I didn’t really care if
he wanted to talk to me about it or not because I was over listening to anyone’s
bullshit.

The
curtain dropped down, exposing us to the amped up crowd, and my problems ceased
to exist in that moment as I played my heart out for our fans.

Over
the past year, we’d gotten a huge following after touring with Sticks and
Stones and had attracted more of a crowd for our sets than theirs. We’d
officially signed on with Steve Roberts as our manager and had done a kick ass
job of promoting Bad Blooded Rebel to all the right people after our meeting in
New York City, we had officially signed a multi-million dollar record deal with
Bulldoze Records. The ink was barely dry before the owners of the label were
booking studio time, gave us our own security guards (one of them was a huge
hulk of a guy named John that had to have been ex-military), and planned a huge
tour with Eternal Down, another band they’d recently signed.

Professionally,
my life was perfect. Personally on the other hand? That was a way different
story. Ever since the last time I saw Jess, I had purposely gone out of my way
to be the carbon copy of what a rocker should be. Different girl every night,
endless parties, and the alcohol was always flowing. She wanted me to be free
to live a rock star’s dream, so that’s was I was hell bent on doing.

When
I received my signing bonus, while the other guys were buying houses or cars,
the first thing I thought of was how badly I wanted to spend it to get Jess out
of the slums like I’d always planned to. Instead, I put it all in the bank and
just let it sit there and draw interest. Everything I needed was taken care of
by the label while I was on tour and when it was over, I’d probably just rent
some furnished apartment somewhere until the next time we all went out on the
road again. I honestly didn’t care where I lived because without Jessie beside
me, nowhere felt like home.

The
money was just a perk that I didn’t give a fuck about anymore. I loved the
music and playing in front of thousands of fans and it was one dream I’d had
for as long as I could remember. The only reason I wanted any money from this
was so I could take care of Jess. I was still so angry at her for pushing me
away not once, but twice, and admitting she had no intention of telling me that
we’d conceived a child. However, if she were to show up tonight and knock on my
hotel room door asking for another chance, I’d give it to her in a minute. All
of the pain and hurt would be totally forgotten the second I wrapped my arms
around her.

Despite
all of the soul-crushing pain of being without her, I still missed her so much
and wanted her back.

I
was lost without her.

As
the tour dragged on, the days turned into weeks and as time passed my nightly
routine had began to get stale. As many girls I tried to get warmth from or
whatever I was looking for at the bottom of a bottle, nothing was dulling the
ache I felt from Jessie’s absence.

I
stopped paying attention to what city I was in because in all honesty, it
didn’t matter to me. Ryder was the lead singer so he was responsible for
stoking the crowds and telling the fans in whatever city we were in that we
were so glad to be there and it was the best city in the world. When he said my
name on stage and the spotlight was on me, all I needed to do was deliver a
killer drum solo and that was that. There was no thought involved, which was
good for me. Thinking was dangerous.

Before
I knew it we were rolling into another town. Steve was busy getting us checked
into the hotel and the rest of the guys were still lying on their bunks. I
looked out the windows of the tour bus and tried to see if I recognized any
landmarks that would tell me where we were. I looked around and chuckled to
myself. I had no fucking idea where we were.

The
door to the bus opened and Steve walked on. As he was giving everyone their
room keys, I asked to no one in particular, “Where the hell are we?”

“We’re
in Cincinnati,” Ryder answered, looking at me like I’d grown three heads. “It’s
our big homecoming show tonight.”

I
sighed and rubbed my hands over the rough stubble on my chin. Fuck…I’d
completely forgotten about coming home and I hadn’t realized it was happening
so soon.

“Fuck,
that’s right.”

“As
soon as I get checked in I am going to call home and see if Dad can meet us at
the arena.”

“Yeah,
he’s not been to a show in a while. I bet he’ll be blown away by the crowd,”
Beau answered.

“It’ll
do him some good to get out. Mom told me the last time I talked to her that he
wasn’t feeling well. Had some bad cough he couldn’t seem to shake,” Ryder said,
standing from his bunk and stretching out.

“Well,
let’s get you boys checked in and then you can make your phone calls,” Steve
said.

We
all got off the bus and went to our hotel rooms. As soon as I was in mine, I
tossed my stuff down and got a shower. As I let the hot water cascade over my
tired body, Jessie’s face flashed in my mind. I know it was too much to hope
she’d be at our show tonight but there was a small part of me that dared to
dream I’d see her there.

It
had been a whole year since I saw her and I was dying to know if she was okay.
Was she happy? Had she met someone? The last question depressed me and suddenly
that was all I could think about. I’m not sure how I’d handle it if I knew
Jessie had moved on with another man. The part of me that would want her to be
happy would have to win out over the part that would want to murder the man
with my bare hands.

A
few hours later I was dressed and ready for tonight’s show. I might have made a
little more effort with my appearance on the off chance she might show up, even
though I knew she wouldn’t be there. Why would she be? This was what she wanted
for me and she wasn’t about to stand in the way of my career.

A
knock on the door let me know it was time to head to the arena for sound check
and I quickly went back down to the bus. Everyone was already on and waiting
for me. Jude was playing a video game with Beau and Ryder was on his cell
phone. As soon as he saw me get on the bus, he started speaking a little
quieter and had a ghost of a smile on his lips. I sat across from him and after
he hung up, I kicked his foot.

“Who
was on the phone?”

“Oh,
I was just making sure that Mom and Dad are going to be on time. I was just
telling him what entrance to go to so they can get their meet and greet
passes,” Ryder answered.

“You’re
really stoked that they’re coming, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Hell
yeah I am! Dad’s seen our shows, but never one this huge. We’re sold out.”

Jude
put the game controller on the table in front of him and rubbed his hands
together. “That means we’ll have plenty of hot ass chicks to choose from. I
can’t decide if I want a blonde, a brunette, or a red head. Aw, fuck it. I’ll
take one of each.”

I
snorted. “Well, there should be tons of each kind,” I said, nervously twisting
my fingers in my hands.

“You
okay bro?” Ryder asked me.

“Yep,
I’m fine. Just antsy to get on stage I guess,” I lied. As the time ticked away
I was getting more and more nervous that Jess might actually come tonight. I
had no idea why. As far as I knew none of the guys had heard from her in a
while.

“Relax,
man. It’s going to be a good night. Trust me,” he said, smiling.

Soon,
we pulled up in front of the arena and there was already a huge crowd waiting
outside. We quickly got off the bus and waved to the screaming fans as we went
inside.

Sound
check went pretty smoothly and as soon as we were finished I’d decided to stick
around and watch Eternal Down’s sound check. They were an awesome band and all
of the guys were pretty chill. Thank God we got along with Jagger, Zayne, Cash,
and Logan because if we didn’t, this tour would have sucked ass.

I
was still watching their set when I heard Steve say that there were some
special fans here to meet up with us. I turned to the door and saw Ryder’s
parents beaming at us with pride. I smiled for a fraction of a second until I
really looked at Alan and my eyebrows drew together.