Deeper (14 page)

“The
baby? Please tell me the baby’s okay,” I begged desperately.

Rita
patted my head and tried to shush me. “Jessica-”

“Don’t
call me Jessica. Crystal calls me Jessica,” I spat angrily. “I want to know if
my baby is okay! Why won’t you tell me?”

I
watched Alan exchange a glance with Rita and the nurse nodded sadly at her.
Rose squeezed my hand harder and I knew what was about to happen was going to
hurt.

“Jessie,
I have something to tell you and you need to be calm, okay?” she said, her
voice breaking.

I
knew. She didn’t have to tell me…I already knew that because of Crystal’s
attack, my baby was dead. Tears began pouring from my eyes and I fell into
despair as she continued.

“You…you
lost the baby,” she choked out, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I’m so, so
sorry, sweetie.”

“NOOOOOO!”

I
screamed in agony and collapsed back onto the pillow as I felt pain like I’d
never felt before. Wasn’t it bad enough to hear from your own mother every day
that she wishes she never had you and that you were nothing but trash? Why did
that same horrible excuse of a human being have to be the one to take away the
most precious thing I’d ever had?

Rose
stood up and wrapped her warm, friendly arms around me and held me as I sobbed
and mourned the loss of the precious life I’d never be a part of.

I’d
never hold him or her in my arms. Never hear their laughter or be called Mommy.
Never be there for their first day of school. As tears poured from my eyes as I
grieved over what would never be, I felt a sting in my arm and I’d barely
blinked my eyes more than twice before I drifted into a restless sleep.

“When
the hell is she going to wake up?” I heard a familiar voice say from somewhere
far away.

“Dad
said that the nurse had to give her a sedative when they told her. She said it
could still be a while before she’s awake.”

“This
is so fucked up. I wish I could get my hands around that fucking bitch’s
throat.”

I
could barely make out the hushed voices around me and my heart started
pounding…Ryder, Beau, and Jude. They were in my hospital room. How the hell did
they know what happened to me? If they were here then that meant…

“You’d
have to get through me first,” a voice thick with heartbreak and devastation
replied. “I swear to God if that fucking cunt makes bail she won’t be alive
long enough to set one foot on the street before I rip her apart.”

Kris.
He was here. My chest started to ache and tears started to burn my eyes.

“Why
did this happen?” I heard him whisper. “How can someone do this to another
person, let alone your own flesh and blood?” His voice was breaking and he
sounded like he was trying not to cry.

I
slowly opened my eyes and when I did, they landed right on Kris. Hot tears fell
down my cheeks as I gazed upon the man I loved more with every breath I took
and my heart shattered all over again.

He
was slouched down on the chair next to me and looked utterly devastated. He had
one hand gripping one of the arms of the chair and the other was shielding his
eyes, most likely to hide his tears. His jaw had some rough stubble which
suggested he’d not shaved in days.

No
one had noticed I’d opened my eyes yet so I watched my friends for a few
precious moments. Jude was pacing the room with his hands behind his head, and
I noticed for the first time since he’d started wearing a Mohawk, his hair
wasn’t gelled in all of the usual spikes and he had about a weeks’ worth of
stubble on the sides of his head.

Beau
was peering out the window through the blinds, his overlong jaw-length hair
hanging in his face. He looked just as unkempt and disheveled as the rest of
them.

Ryder
was standing next to the chair Kris was sunken into to and had his hand placed
comfortingly on his shoulder. I was about to say something but before I could,
Ryder spoke.

“Crystal
is a sadistic bitch and has tortured Jessie for years.”

“Never
this bad though,” Jude interrupted.

“I
love her,” Kris choked out. “I fucking love her so much and if this breaks her,
I don’t think I can take it.”

“She’s
going to be fine, bro, I promise,” Beau said, leaving the window and flanking
his other side. “Jessie is the toughest girl I know. She’ll get through this.”

“She
shouldn’t have to get through this because it
never should have happened
,”
he spat angrily. Then I heard him sigh from somewhere soul deep.

“I
shouldn’t have left her. I knew she pushed me away because she thought it was
best but I shouldn’t have listened. I should have thrown her over my shoulder
and dragged her ass out of that shit hole apartment. I should have taken her
away from this,” he whispered, and he let out a muffled, tortured cry.

I
was already in my own kind of pain, but seeing how broken and devastated he was
made me hurt even worse. I needed him to know I was okay, even if nothing had
changed. He still needed to be free of me because all I would ever do is hold
him back and tie him down. He didn’t need me to keep him from breaking free of
this place and everything bad attached to it.

I
cleared my throat and hoarsely croaked out, “Kris.”

All
eyes shot to me and I barely had time to blink before four tattooed rockers
were hovering over my bed. Kris flew out of his chair and took my hand into
both of his large ones. When we made eye contact, I felt like what was left of
my heart had been completely ripped out and stomped on.

His
eyes were red-rimmed and watery and looked full of any kind of horrible painful
thing anyone could possibly feel. Seeing him hurting made the knife in my gut
twist deeper.

“Jess,
baby, I’m so, so, sorry,” he cried, fresh tears spilling down his scruffy
cheeks. “So sorry.”

I
didn’t know what to say to make any of this better for either one of us, so I
just motioned him toward me and he willingly came closer to my side and buried
his head in the crook of my neck. I combed my fingers through his scraggly hair
and tried to soothe his ache as held onto to me tightly and we cried a million
tears together.

“I
didn’t know,” he whispered roughly. “I swear to God I didn’t know.”

“Know
what?” There was no way he could have known Crystal was going to attack me.

“That
you were…pregnant,” he choked out.

I
felt butterflies flying rampantly in my stomach and I struggled to find the
right words to say. Alan and Rose must have told him that I was pregnant while
I was sleeping. Guilt washed through me as it really truly hit me then that I
wasn’t the only one that had lost a child…Kris had too, even though he didn’t
know until it was too late.

I
cried harder, feeling even worse for keeping quiet about all this. He moved
from his position and wrapped his arms around me and held me close. Now he was
the one massaging my hair and trying to soothe me.

I
barely registered that Ryder, Jude, and Beau were still there and talking to
me. They were telling me how sorry they were and how much they wished my mother
was free so they could give her back what she gave me, but I had a hard time
concentrating with Kris’ arms around me.

After
how hurt he was when I pushed him away, he still dropped everything for me and
came rushing back when he heard I was hurt. I wanted him to be able to live his
life with no guilt or regret, but I also knew that I wanted him to stay by my
side and love me. I knew it was selfish…I was completely confused. My head said
to let him go but my heart couldn’t follow through.

I
didn’t know what would happen when he knew that not only did I know I was
pregnant and had for a while, but that I had no intention of telling him about
it, so I held onto him for as long as I could. I didn’t realize until he kissed
my hair that it had gotten quiet in the room. I opened my eyes and noticed that
the guys were gone. We were alone and I was scared as hell.

“How
did you know I was here?” I asked so quietly I was almost whispering.

“Alan
called Ryder. We came as soon as we could,” he answered, combing his fingers
through my long hair.

“You
didn’t have to come. I’m okay.”

Kris
squeezed me tighter. “Jessie, are you fucking kidding me? There’s nowhere in
the whole damned world I’d be rather than here with you right now. I just feel
so fucking sick that I wasn’t here.”

“It’s
not your fault you weren’t, it’s mine.”

“Well
nothing is keeping me away again.
Nothing
,” he stated, letting me know
that he wasn’t about to make this easy.

I
sighed and decided to say nothing and savor this moment in his arms. It was
going to be the last time I’d ever be here and I didn’t want it to end.

“So
how are you really feeling? I’m already devastated about the baby and I’ve only
known for a few hours. This must be agony for you, baby,” he said.

“Yeah.”
That was all I could say.

“So,
how long had you known?” Kris asked softly. “I mean, I know when we were
together last and that was a while ago. I’m sure you would have called me if
you’d known sooner, right?”

I
froze. My mouth went dry and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.

“Jess?”

I
struggled to take a deep breath and fought back the urge to vomit.

“How
long had you known?” he repeated, his voice dropping an octave.

I
felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach; this was it. I’d never lied to
him, and I wasn’t about to start now.

“Since
about two weeks after you left,” I confessed.

Kris
went rigid in the bed and stiffened beside me. “Jessie, that was almost four
months ago.”

I
hung my head as I pulled away from him. “I know.”

“Wait
a minute. Let me see if I heard this right. You knew you were pregnant that
whole time and never thought to call me?” he asked, hurt rampant in his voice.

I
couldn’t look at him because I was a coward.

“I’m
sorry.”

Kris
scooted away from me but was still sitting on the bed.

“Were
you ever going to tell me?”

Tears
burned my eyes and flowed steadily down my cheeks. I sniffed hard and fought
back the rising bile in my throat.

“Were
you?”

This
was going to hurt…

“No.”

It
was quiet for the three longest seconds of my whole life and I felt him rise
off the bed. I looked up and found him across the room, staring at me like he’d
never been hurt so badly in his entire life. I was sure that he hadn’t been.

“W-why?”

I
took a shaky breath.

“Because
it would have ruined your life. I want the best for you and being saddled with
some girl and a kid would have destroyed everything you and the guys had worked
for.”

“Unbelievable,”
he muttered. “Don’t give me that shit! I can’t believe that you would ever
think that you were just ‘some girl’ to me. You are the
only
girl,
Jess,” he said angrily. “Jesus fucking Christ, don’t you get it? I love you,
damn it, and we could have given this baby everything!”

More
tears flowed uncontrollably down my face.

“I’m
so sorry. I just wanted to do what was right and set you free.”

“How
can you setting me free be what is right for anyone? Did it occur to you that
maybe I didn’t want to be free? Maybe I wanted you with me?”

“I
wanted that too, Kris, but…”

“But
nothing, Jess! I have been fucking
miserable
without you!”

He
was shaking with anger and walked across the room to my bed and leaned over me.
He took a few deep breaths as he seemed to reign in his rage.

“After
all we’ve been through together, I would never have thought in a million years
that you would find out you were pregnant with my kid and deliberately not tell
me. I don’t care what the reason behind it was, it was wrong of you to keep
that from me.”

My
eyes roamed down to my hands, which were fidgeting with the blanket.

“I
know.”

“I
would have come back to you. I would have gotten you and our baby out of this
place,” he spat angrily.

“I
know you would have, and that’s why I wasn’t going to tell you. This would have
ruined your life.”

“God
damn it, Jess!” he shouted, causing me to jump. My whole body hurt from that
simple movement. “Having a family with you wouldn’t have ruined my life. Being
without you has!”

“You’re
wrong.”

He
was quiet and shaking with anger as I sat in my hospital and cried unstoppable
tears.

“I
should hate you…” he started, and I started to sob even more.