Deep Water (17 page)

Eventually
I moved into an apartment which was a slight notch above the motel, but at
least I could decorate it how I wanted to and I didn’t hear other people having
sex as much. My mother was slightly appeased, she was convinced that I had
become a drug addict because of where I had been living. When I moved out, she
even deemed me suitable to attend her Winter Party. This was something she
threw every year and the guests were supposed to wear black or white – like
that was such an original idea.

She
even bought me a dress, and even I had to admit that it was pretty. The
strapless bodice sparkled and lace covered the shimmering fabric of the skirt
that swept the floor. I felt like a princess in it and whimsically twirled
around the full-length mirror just to see the skirt swirl around. I smiled at
myself. I looked good. I curled my hair so it fell down my back with diamante
clips to secure it away from my face.

Some
of my neighbors gave me odd looks as I walked down the hall to get to my car.
The dress didn’t suit the car either with its fading paint and rust. The
contrast made me laugh slightly and I wondered what my mother would say about
me arriving in less than the style to which she expected.

The
valet kept a straight face as I handed him my keys, I gave him a smile as I
waltzed past him and up the stairs to the open double doors through which my
mother and Terrence stood to welcome their guests. My mother even gave me an
approving look as she kissed the air beside my cheek. It wasn’t hard to get
away from them; the place was packed with every important and influential
person in town. I drank the champagne that was offered and did my dutiful
daughter act by being pleasant to the guests. I saw Joseph across the room, he
was dressed in a tux and looked handsome. Someone’s eligible daughter had
trapped his attention as she rested her hand on his arm. He looked entranced by
her, and I had to smile at that. He deserved to be happy and have someone who
could make him feel that. He had told me long ago that he wouldn’t be a loser
forever, and it was true. Not that he ever really was, of course, but now he
was on top of the world and had everything that he could want.

I
was happy for him.

As
the evening went on, the room began to get hot and I escaped outside to the
welcoming cool air that signaled the beginning of winter. No one else was
outside, and I rested my glass on the stone balustrades that encircled the
balcony while I watched the lake water lit by a sprinkling of outdoor lights. I
remembered hanging out with Ewan here while our parents got drunk and had their
own dramas inside. My mouth twisted into a sad smile.

“Hey.”

Joseph
placed his glass next to mine as I turned to face him.

“Hi.
It seems like you’re the toast of the town.”

“Yeah.
They all seem to want  in on my project.” Then he smirked. “And they should be.
They’d be stupid not too.”

I
laughed. “Arrogant much?”

His
smirk turned into a grin. “Always, Jessica.”

We
met each other’s eyes as we both smiled. This seemed so relaxed, so
normal.
We didn’t say anything, just stared at each other as the silence stretched on.
He was the first to look away.

“I
meant to say that I was sorry about Ewan. I wanted to come see you but…” he
trailed off, taking a gulp of his champagne. I did the same.

“That’s
okay. I wanted to see you too, but I didn’t want you to think that—” I stopped,
feeling stupid all of a sudden.

“What?”

I
took a breath. “I didn’t want you to think that I wanted to see you because
Ewan was dead.” I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t want you to think that I
wanted to be with you only because he was gone. Because it wasn’t like that. I
had to stay with Ewan because he needed me, and I cared for him. That was it. I
didn’t love him the same way that I love you. I loved him, but it was just…different.”

I
cringed at my words and felt myself blushing.

“I
know that.”

I
lifted my head to find him watching me.

“I
knew why you were with him. It’s the same way I feel about Katrin. I get it. I
do. I just didn’t like it so I acted like a dick.” He took a sip of wine.

“Oh.”

“I’m
sorry,” he added.

I
nodded. “Good.”

He
let out a breath. “So…what now?”

I
gave him a small smile. “Now I get on with life. I’ve spent so much time being
miserable that I’ve barely lived. I’m young. I want to travel. I want to enjoy
life.”

He
nodded like he understood. “And us?”

My
breath caught in my throat. It would have been easier to throw myself into his
arms and to kiss him until his lips were bruised, but I didn’t. “I need to come
first. I need to be in control of myself first. I have…issues I need to sort
out and I need to do it myself. I’m not ever going to let anyone else being in
control of my life again and decide if I’m happy or not.”

I
moved away, not meeting his eyes because that would have been too painful. “Goodbye,
Joseph.”

“Goodbye,
Jessica.”

I
left him there on the balcony, even though it hurt, but it was time for me to
be on my own and do my own thing. I needed to come first.

I
left my champagne glass on the tray of a passing waiter and headed back to my
car. My mother was in a far corner of the room, smiling and looking radiant. I
was happy for her. She’d left someone she didn’t love for a man whom she
adored. It was time for me to stop holding that against her. I also needed to
forgive her for the turmoil that she had caused in my childhood. She caught my
eye and waved. I gave a small wave back before leaving.

As
I waited for the valet to retrieve my car, I removed my shoes and took a small
walk along the shoreline, enjoying the cool, grainy sand beneath my feet as the
water did its best to lap at me. The beauty of the lake in the night with the
moon reflected in my depths made me smile. So many good times had been had on
this body of water. Looking back, those moments with Joseph had been some of
the happiest in my life. Was I throwing that away?

The
valet called out to me. Sighing, I turned away from the beautiful water and
returned back to reality‒back to my crappy car and my shitty apartment.
At least they were mine, though. My happiness was my choice and I would choose
to be happy.

I
let the beautiful dress fall at my feet in a white pool of fabric and changed
into my robe. Looking around my small apartment, I sighed. This place needed a
cat, and then I could become a lonely, crazy old cat lady. I barked out a
laugh.

As
I was turning out the lights, I heard a banging on my front door.

“Who
is it?” I called out warily.

“It’s
Joseph.”

My
heart skipped a beat and my hand rested on the handle for a moment before I
could open it. He was still dressed in his tuxedo, but the tie was loose and
draped around his neck.

“Joseph?
What’s wrong?”

His
forehead crinkled. “Everything.”

I
stepped back so he could enter. “What is it?”

He
stared down at me. “This is wrong, Jessica. You need to be with me and I need
you. I wanted you so badly ever since I was a kid and I let you go once, I
won’t do it again. I know it’s a crappy thing for me to go after you so soon
after your husband died, but I don’t care. We should be together. The only time
in my life that I’ve been happy is when I got to be with you. You’re all I ever
think about. You want to come first? You do. You come first in everything with
me. You’re the whole reason I moved back to this shithole town in the first
place. You want to travel? Let me take you. I can show you the whole world.
You’ll have control, I promise. I’m not going to stand back and let you starve
yourself, I couldn’t do that, but other than making sure you’re healthy…I would
do anything for you. Can’t you see that?”

His
voice was raw and his eyes dark with emotion.

“I
want to be with you too. I always have.”

“Then
what’s stopping us?” He stepped forward and cupped my cheek. “You’re right, we
need to start living life, and I don’t want one without you. There’s no point.”

A
lump formed in my throat. He was right. I could have autonomy and control and
still have him. I may have to battle his stubbornness on occasion, but the
rawness I saw in front of me convinced me that he would deny me nothing.

I
kissed him. Passionately and wildly. I kissed him hard to make up for the years
that we had missed together. I wanted his mouth on me always and his hands to
touch every part of me. His fingers tangled in my hair, drawing me in even
closer.

When
we finally broke apart, he grinned down at me. “Now what? Will you come home
with me? It’s where you belong. It’s where you’ve always belonged, and
tomorrow, we can make plans. We can go anywhere that you want.”

It
didn’t take much to get me to agree.

On
the drive back to his estate, we remained constantly touching, as if we
couldn’t bear to be apart for even a second more.

As
we walked to the back of the house to where the lake met the shore, I smiled
and reached for his hand. “Let’s go swimming.”

“It’s
winter!” he laughed.

We settled for
the hot tub instead.  Naked, I pressed against him as the deep water and its
heat soothed me as the moon glowed above us.

This was where I
belonged‒on the lake and with this man.

This was home.