Deceitful Choices (8 page)

Chapter 16

Lindsay

“You have everything you need,” Grams assured me as I had a last minute panic attack right before boarding the plane. I was sure I had forgotten to pack something important. “We went over everything more than five times before we left the house. And twice more since we’ve been here. You need to calm down and get on that damn plane before you miss your flight.”

Grams always made me laugh when she attempted to get all authoritative.

I turned to face her and gave her one last hug before gathering Camden and rushing off to the attendant who was taking the tickets.

For the past forty-eight hours I had talked myself out of going to California at least half a dozen times, only to have Grams and Taylor straighten me up and give me no other option but to go.

I could even tell Zack had sensed my hesitation during our phone call the previous night. He kept asking me over and over what time my flight took off. I knew it was information he already had, considering he was the one who booked the flight, but he asked anyway. Then that morning he texted me on three different occasions, telling me I had to be at the airport in an hour, then thirty minutes and finally the last one stated I should be at the airport checking in.

It was actually sweet that he was so dedicated to me and Camden being on that flight.

I was about to embark on close to six hours of travel, with a connecting flight in Dallas, before landing in San Diego around 4:00 p.m. I was nervous about Camden and the reaction he would have, plus I hadn’t ever flown myself so that didn’t calm my nerves either. I hoped the amount of entertainment I brought would not only soothe Cam, but help the time pass for me as well.

After about the first forty minutes Camden fell asleep and I was able to read a little. Even though I couldn’t truly concentrate on the story, my mind was all over the place with what to expect once I saw Zack. It had been close to a month since he’d last seen Camden, and over that time we had spent so many hours talking, I felt like I had really gotten to know him. It was stupid of me, I know, but I allowed myself to develop feelings I knew I shouldn’t have.

Never once had he ever led me to believe we were anything more than two people who had one night together that led to parenthood. I guess somewhere deep down I allowed myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, we could one day have something.

When we landed in Dallas, I had a forty-five minute layover that got delayed even longer due to storms. Looking up at the display, I found that I had now gained an additional hour, possibly more, before Camden and I would be allowed to board our next flight.

I sat down and pulled out a jar of bananas, taking the opportunity to give Camden something to occupy him.

I also thought I’d better notify Zack so he didn’t worry and turned on my phone to send him a quick text.

It was the weekend and I wasn’t sure what his schedule was, so I was a little shocked when my phone rang within seconds of sending him the message.

“Hello,” I said, as I lifted the spoon to Camden’s lips and he opened wide, leaning closer to hurry me along.

“Delayed, huh?” Zack sounded disappointed. Call me strange, but it actually made me smile knowing he felt that way.

I know. Delusional, but what the hell, right?

“Yeah, it looks like at least for another hour if not two, depending on the flights they had to reroute,” I explained as I continued to feed my obviously hungry boy.

“How’d the first flight go?” he asked. “Was he okay for ya?”

“He slept part of the way and I may have bribed him with a teething cookie or two to help the remaining part of the flight pass.” It was that or hear him scream.

“You gotta do what’s necessary right?” Zack said with a laugh.

“Tell that to the light pink shirt I decide to wear.” I looked down at myself in disgust. “I looked like I’ve been in a food fight.”

“I’m sure you still look beautiful, even with cookie all over you.”

The spoon I had extended toward Camden froze midair when Zack said those words. It was the first time he had said anything like that to me, and it made my heart beat just a little faster. With the exception of the night we talked about how things could have been when Cam was in the hospital, all our conversations had remained more friendly than anything truly intimate.

I looked up to find Camden extending his neck forward, his mouth open as he tried to reach the spoon that still hovered inches from his mouth.

Poor baby just wanted his food.

I was just about to say thank you when a voice announced yet another plane boarding.

“Is that your flight?” Zack asked.

“No.” I had a bad feeling things were about to get worse.

I looked up about that moment to find the hour and a half delay I had seen only moments ago had been extended to two hours and ten minutes.

“Looks like I have a long wait here in Dallas.” I tried not to sound too disappointed, but it was hard to hide.

***

My original arrival time of 4:00 p.m. ended up being more like 7:00 p.m. when the plane touched down in San Diego. It had been a torturous day, and by then Camden was beyond irritated. I had run out of soothing methods about halfway through the second flight, and after he cried himself sick he passed out on me. When I say cried himself sick, I mean just that. He ended up puking bananas all over my shoulder and I now had a new stain to add to the shirt I decided I would just burn. Maybe I was just being a drama queen, but you try having half a dozen people give you the evil eye while your six-month-old threw the fit of all fits in the middle of a plane with no escape.

So when I exited the plane and walked down the ramp toward luggage claim I was already on the verge of tears. I hadn’t remembered feeling this exhausted since the day after I brought Cam home from the hospital when he was born.

I walked with my head hung and a very cranky baby still passed out on my shoulder. I smelled like cookie and bananas, and to some, that may sound like a combination that wouldn’t be half bad, but I could assure them it was nasty.

“You need some help pretty girl?” I looked up just as I almost collided with a handsome, smiling, and very sexy SEAL. He looked gorgeous and puke free, and there I was, surely resembling a homeless person who’d ransacked the dumpster looking for something to eat.

His smile faltered when our eyes connected and he stepped up closer, placing his hand on my arm. “You okay?”

“Just a really long day,” I confessed as I felt my shoulders sag in defeat.

“Come on, let’s get you two out of here.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me through the crowd of people. I welcomed his touch as I leaned into him.

“I’m gonna get cookie and puke on your clean shirt,” I said lifting my head just enough to look up at him.

Zack only grinned as he assured me that he didn’t mind either.

Once we stepped outside, he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent off a text to someone; I couldn’t really see the name. Once he placed his phone back in his pocket he reached out to Camden. “Let me relieve you.”

I allowed him to take Camden without hesitation, because by this point my arm felt like jelly. Who was I kidding? My entire body felt like jelly.

I wandered toward the bench that was only a few feet away and took a seat on the available space at the end.

“Rigdon’s bringing the car around,” he said as he knelt down next to me.

He had shifted Camden to where he was snuggled closely against his chest, one hand securely pressed against his back while the other supported his bottom.

“We’ll get you back to my place and after you take a hot shower, I’ll get you something to eat.” I looked up at him through sleepy eyes and squinted.

“I thought we were staying at the hotel?” I asked, suddenly feeling confused.

“There’s been a slight change in plans.” He smirked when I wrinkled my forehead in confusion.

A horn beep caused us to break eye contact and look in its direction. There along the curb sat a big black SUV with a smiling Rigdon behind the wheel. “Come on,” Zack stood and waited for me to join him.

I walked beside him as he approached the vehicle and opened the back door. My stomach did a flip when I saw the car seat that was safely strapped in the center of the backseat.

Zack must have noticed me staring.

“I got it last week. Figured I’d need it,” he said.

I only nodded as I stood back and watched him strap his son in as if he had been doing it for months. Each day he managed to amaze me a little more, whether by a simple reaction to his son or a kind word to me. It was things like this that gave me hope maybe he and I could one day be more.

”Climb on up.” I jumped in surprise when he placed his hand against the lower part of my back. “I don’t bite, Linds,” he said with a cocky smile. “Unless you’re into that kind of thing.”

I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks and I tucked my head to avoid him seeing my reaction to his words.

He chuckled as I climbed up into the backseat.

Once I was safely tucked inside, he closed the door and then took the empty seat in front of me.

“Hey, Lindsay,” Rigdon offered a nod and a smile, and I returned it with a “Hello.” I still felt a little thrown by Zack’s playfulness.

“We’ve only got about a fifteen minute drive,” Zack said as he twisted in the seat to look back at me. The way he was looking at me left me unsure.

“Okay,” I said in response as I did everything I could not to make eye contact.

I was just going to chalk it up to the fact that I was drained from today’s events. I was obviously seeing and hearing things that weren’t truly there. I just needed some sleep, after a shower of course. Even my own smell was repulsive to my senses. I suddenly felt embarrassed as I tried not to imagine how truly awful I looked.

I must have dozed off, because I was woken by Zack nudging at my thigh. He was leaning in the door, his chest hovering only inches from mine. “We’re here,” he announced with a smile that made my stomach tense with excitement.

All along I planned that Camden and I would be living in a hotel for the next week and a half. Zack lived on base in close quarters with a few of his fellow SEALs, so it was the only option.

I never expected him to rent an apartment off base. The gesture was a bit overwhelming as he led us toward the building with our son tucked against his chest. He had one of my bags thrown over his shoulder while I wheeled the suitcase close behind.

I looked back to see Rigdon leaning against the side of the SUV, smiling as he watched us walked away.

This entire day had been a weird one.

I kept my cool as Zack entered the apartment and held open the door for me. It was small yet inviting.

Toys that mimicked the ones Camden had at my grandma’s were around the living room. It was heartwarming that he had taken so much time to do all this for us. “I just thought that our first Christmas together shouldn’t be spent in some hotel room.”

I looked over at him and nodded like an idiot. It was as if he had read my mind.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “I mean, I understand why you did it and since he’s not old enough to understand just how sweet this is, I’m thanking you for him.” I was babbling but I was also overwhelmed and exhausted too, so I guess it was okay.

He led me down the hall and showed me the rest of the small apartment. It had two bedrooms, one much smaller than the other; he had already set it up for Camden. As I scanned the room I noticed there was nowhere for me to sleep.

“Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll get Camden comfortable and ready for bed.” I nodded my head, my back still toward him. “It’s just across the hall. You can leave your bags in the bedroom at the end of the hall.”

Still unable to speak I turned around and began pulling my suitcase in that direction. I was completely thrown off kilter.

He had never even mentioned anything about renting a place.

I was blown away by the gesture.

Chapter 17

Zack

She’d been in the shower now for more than twenty minutes. I tried not to be a hovering ass, but I couldn’t help but continue to place my ear to the door to make sure she hadn’t passed out in there with the water running.

Each time, I received some form of confirmation she was, in fact, moving around. Once I heard her whispering like she was talking to herself. I couldn’t tell exactly what she was saying as the sounds were entirely too low, but I found it cute that she was doing it.

Another time I thought I heard her humming a tune that sounded familiar, yet I couldn’t place it.

The bathroom was right next to the kitchen and I remained standing at the far end of the counter leaning against it with a beer in my hand. It was on the edge of stalking but I wanted to know the moment she was done.

Camden had been cleaned up, changed and placed in his crib for at least ten minutes now. He was so tired he slept through the entire thing.

I couldn’t stop myself from imagining what Lindsay looked like as she stood beneath the water, as it cascaded over her body. She was a little curvier than she was when I first met her, but I knew the pregnancy had to be what changed her. She was fuller, but I found the attraction I felt for her almost instantly all those months ago was still there. I picked up on that the first day I showed up at her grandmother’s and spent hours watching her move around the place. Now, having her here in my place, our son down the hall, it all just felt right.

Maybe what my mom said was true. This, between Lindsay and I, happened for a reason.

I wasn’t sure if it was she who needed me, or me who needed them. But I knew now that they were here, I couldn’t remember what it felt like without them. My mind now thought of Camden and Lindsay as a whole. They were now a part of my family.

I was so focused on my thoughts I had not heard the water shut off or her moving around to get dressed, but I heard the rattle of the handle just before the door came open.

I looked in the direction of the bathroom and knew my expression had to match hers. She looked at me with those big green eyes of hers, her hair wet from her shower, and she was gorgeous.

I took a moment to observe her, noticing she was wearing a big t-shirt that hung well past her knees. Suddenly feeling a sense of jealousy, I lifted my gaze to once again meet hers. “An old boyfriend’s shirt?” I asked.

“It’s actually one that my grams found in her closet after I moved in.” She wrinkled her nose as she looked down at the red shirt that was ten times too big. “I left home with only what I could carry. After I started showing, things became too small. So instead of buying maternity clothes, I spent most of my pregnancy in big t-shirts and stretchy shorts.” She lifted the t-shirt and my heartrate sped up a bit. Just beneath the shirt was a pair of black shorts that were tight and hugged her hips perfectly. “The shirt and shorts sort of stuck with me; they’re comfy to sleep in.”

Okay, so that explains it.

“Where’s Camden?” she asked as she looked around the living room.

“Sleep,” I told her. “I changed him and cleaned him up. Slept through the entire thing.” I chuckled remembering how relaxed his little body was as if I hadn’t even been messing with him.

“He screamed nonstop for half the flight from Denver, so I can imagine he wore himself out.” Lindsay had to be drained and here I was forcing her to remain standing in the bathroom doorway like some ass.

I stepped out of the way and tilted my beer in her direction. “Want one?”

Her eyes widened just a small fraction and it made me chuckle. “I know your true age this time.” She averted her eyes and I immediately regretted bringing it up. “Hey, I’m sorry. I was just…” She looked up and shrugged it off.

“It’s okay, I’m just gonna go check on Cam.” She hurried down the hall in the opposite direction, and I hung my head, feeling like an asshole.

I gave her a few minutes before going to check on her and found her leaning over the side of the crib, as she patted our son’s back gently. In her current position, her shirt had risen just enough that I had full view of her thighs and the bottom of her ass. It was impossible not to notice the reaction my body had to hers. I could feel my cock twitch as she swayed her hips slightly.

First I stalked her while she took a shower and now I was gawking while she soothed our son. Fuck, I was gonna freak this girl out before I even got the chance to make my intentions known.

Deciding to do what it took to maintain my urges, I walked in her direction and stood at her side.

My son had already changed so much over the last month. It was flying by and I felt like I’d already missed so much.

“He sleeps like a rock,” she whispered. “He always has.”

“He didn’t even wake up when I changed him earlier,” I told her. “He was like a limp noodle.”

She smiled as if this didn’t surprise her.

A silence set in over us as we continued to watch him sleep. It was something I had done often those nights I would Skype. But having him here where I could just reach out and touch him made everything more real. “I want this,” I said without thinking.

She turned her head to the side and arched her eyebrow.

I figured it was too late now; I had already opened my mouth, so I attempted to explain.

“I want to be able to put him to bed and soothe him when he wakes in the middle of the night. I want to hear his laugh when he’s happy and even his cries when he’s sad or pissed. I don’t want hundreds of miles between me and him.” I had told myself I wouldn’t say anything for at least a couple days but I couldn’t shut up. “I’ve already missed too much and I don’t want to keep missing out on him.”

She nodded her head and relief washed over me.

Thank fuck she understood. Or so I thought she did.

“I know what you mean,” she replied.

I let out the breath I had been holding and she began again before I could speak.

“We’ll figure it out. I mean, I don’t think I could live apart from him, but I don’t expect you to be okay with only seeing him a couple times a year either. But now that you have this place, I just need to get myself figured out.” She removed her hand from Camden’s back and turned to face me. “Do you have a pillow and blanket? I could just curl up on the couch or even in here.”

I stared at her blankly and wondered what the fuck just happened.

She had gone from smiling sweetly to that timid, withdrawn look she gets when she is feeling upset. It matched the look she gave me when I told her I was leaving that day at the beach.

It made my stomach ache.

“The bedroom is yours.” I told her.

She stared at me for a second before nodding and walked from the room.

A few seconds later I heard the door to the second bedroom click shut and I shook my head. Looking from the doorway to my son, I allowed myself to think back to the words I just spoke to her.

It only took a few minutes for me to realize that throughout everything I told her, I never once said I wanted her here too.

It was only a few hours since they’d arrived and I’d already managed to alienate the one girl I’ve felt anything for besides just being a warm body to satisfy my needs.

***

I left a note on the counter telling Lindsay about my training for the day. I would be out until late this afternoon. My mother was supposed to arrive sometime tonight and I didn’t want her just showing up to freak the fuck out of Linds.

Talk of deployment was beginning to circulate, so they had doubled our training. It was long days and even longer nights. Late night swimming was grueling, after hours of running and jumping.

But I didn’t want to think of that now. I wanted to get through today and get home to Lindsay and Camden. I wanted to make things right and tell her that through the course of our nightly talks and Skype sessions, I had not only fallen harder for my son, but I’d begun feeling something for his mother too.

“The SEALs don’t produce pussies, men, move your asses.” SEAL Officer Morris was riding us today. He wasn’t taking shit, and pushing hard.

The fucking burn in my arms felt great as I turned my head to the side and winked at Paul. Fucker blew me a kiss as we continued on with our pushups.

“Are we a bunch of fucking pussies, or are we SEALs?” Officer Morris asked.

“SEALs, sir,” we hooted in unison.

“SEALs!” He followed up with, “Hooyah.”

The burn only pushed me harder. I felt like a fucking junkie when we hit this stage. The need to outdo and out beat my fellow men became my goal. I had to be on top; it is who I am. Who my father built me to be.

I refused to come in at the bottom.

“Beers?” Rigdon asked as we walked side by side toward my car.

I looked over at him and tilted my head to the side, only to make him laugh. “Yeah, I know.” He held his hands up and chuckled. “Girl and kid waiting at home. I got it.”

“I need to go fix my fuck up from last night,” I confessed.

“Lindsay’s been here less than twenty-four hours and you’ve already fucked up?” He was loving this shit.

“I may have made it sound like the only thing I wanted was Camden,” I said as I opened up my driver’s door. I didn’t miss his laughter.

“Listen, Zack,” I turned around to face him because by the tone of his voice, he was getting serious with me. “If I learned anything from my experience with Melissa, it was that time flies by entirely too fast, and one day you wake up and realize you didn’t take the time to enjoy what you had in front of you until it was too late. Don’t drag your feet; just tell her that you two need a fresh start, and all the shit from Alabama and even the Haven fucked up mess that followed needs to be left in the past. Focus on what you’ve got now.”

Rigdon met and fell in love with Melissa shortly after he joined the Navy. Within a year they were engaged. Two nights before the day they were to be married Melissa and her friend were killed in a head collision with a drunk driver. So the guy knew what he was talking about when it came to wasted time.

“Just go home and tell her though it may not be love now, you think one day it could be,” he added before slugging me in the arm and walking off hollering something about beer and women to the other guy who had now joined us.

The entire ride home my stomach was in knots. I had gone over what I’d planned to say over and over in my head. But the moment I unlocked the apartment door and entered, I froze when I found my mother sitting on the couch, holding Camden in her lap.

Lindsay sat in the recliner, her hands tucked in her lap, looking timid.

My mother had a tendency to dominate a room. She lived with a SEAL for thirty years; it was something she picked up on. Lindsay was more withdrawn, and I’d noticed had a difficult time when it came to speaking what was on her mind.

“Hey,” I said as I sat my bag down on the floor and closed the door behind me.

“Hey, handsome,” My mother said as she moved toward me, still holding my son.

“I thought you’d be in later tonight?” I said as I leaned in and hugged her, looking over her shoulder to see Lindsay watching us. I winked at her, and her reaction surprised me when she looked to her hands in her lap without even smiling at me.

“I decided to leave earlier than planned, because I couldn’t wait to meet my grandson. Plus I missed my boy, too.” My mother kissed my cheek as she stepped back and Camden reached for me.

She laughed as I took him in my arms and kissed his forehead.

“Let me get a picture of the two of you.” She said as she walked toward the couch and pulled her phone from her purse. “I’ve already missed so many chances at photos that I need to make up for lost time.”

Had my mother meant her comment to be a dig at Lindsay? No, I don’t believe she did. My mother wasn’t a cruel woman; she just sometimes spoke before thinking.

“Mom,” I tried to convey to her that what she just said was something she should address, but it only backfired.

“What?” she shrugged. “We’ve both missed out and it’s time to make up for it.”

I watched it unfold and I couldn’t stop it. But fuck if the sad look on Lindsay’s face when she finally raised her head didn’t make me feel gutted.

“Excuse me,” she whispered before she escaped down the hall toward Camden’s room.

“What just happened?” my mother asked.

I didn’t want my mother upset but I had to make sure she understood something. “She made mistakes; we both did. But she never kept him from me. In fact she tried to reach me, multiple times. It was partially my fault too. But you can’t keep saying shit like you just said because she already feels guilty enough for the way things happened between her and me.”

“I didn’t mean that she kept him from you.” I knew she didn’t, but that was the way it sounded.

“Should I go apologize?” she asked.