Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (38 page)

Viagra for women

Why isn’t there Viagra for women?—D.G., Cincinnati, Ohio

Because women are…complicated. Or at least more complicated than an erection. Early trials with women found that Viagra works as advertised—it increases blood flow to the genitals—but even when the lab instruments showed that female subjects were physically turned on, the women reported not feeling horny. This disconnect between physical and psychological arousal is a chasm that testosterone, Viagra and other pharmaceuticals apparently can’t bridge, except perhaps as placebos. A 2003 survey of 853 women led by John Bancroft of the Kinsey Institute concluded that the best indicators of sexual dysfunction in women are emotional factors, such as the strength of their relationship. (Only 8 percent of the women reported an impaired physical response as the primary source of their problem.) A psychiatrist cited in Meika Loe’s
The Rise of Viagra
illustrates this point with a
New Yorker
cartoon in which one woman says to another, “I was on hormone replacement for two years before I realized what I really needed was Steve replacement.”

Orgasmic exercise

While working out at a gym I discovered not one, but two orgasmic pieces of equipment. Both are abdominal machines. One has you strap yourself into a seat and lift your legs into a crunch. With the other you lie on your back with your knees bent and lift your upper body into a crunch. I couldn’t believe the intense feelings. The more reps I did, the closer I came to climaxing. My face turned red, my pussy was buzzing and I was so embarrassed that I left the room. How can I duplicate that intensity during sex with my boyfriend?—Y.L., Long Beach, California

You’re the reason that gyms ask members to wipe down the machines. Why not enjoy yourself? Everyone turns red while they work out, and even if you scream, “Oh, God!” just follow it up with “Solid reps!” It shouldn’t be difficult to take these exercises home. Improvise as your boyfriend lies on his stomach and fingers and licks you, or have intercourse as he stands next to the bed. You’re both going to have killer abs.

PAYING FOR IT

For the love of money.

Strip club rules

At the age of 59, after the end of a 25-year marriage, I went to my first gentlemen’s club. While I was drinking my cola (no alcohol allowed), a lovely woman asked if I wanted a dance. She explained that a table dance is where she dances nude while I sit and watch, and a lap dance is where she moves around in my lap with shorts and halter top on. We agreed on a table dance. She told me her name and there was lots of eye contact. It was incredibly erotic. Later I enjoyed a lap dance with another girl. She gently put my hands down to my sides, and I had to pretend I was paralyzed from the neck down to keep them there. I found the experience frustrating, to put it mildly. My real frustration is that I don’t understand the rules. Sometimes the girl onstage practically put her breasts in my face. Am I allowed to touch, with my face or hands? I assumed not. In the lap dance, she put her cheek to mine and caressed my face. Am I allowed to touch her? Again, I assumed not. Are the rules legal or just conventions? After my table dance, I patted the girl’s butt, which didn’t seem to upset anyone.—C.W., Manhattan Beach, California

Generally the rule is look but don’t touch, though some clubs are more lax than others. Local laws may dictate how much contact is allowed. In his lively, cross-country guide to strip clubs,
Live Nude Girls
, J.P. Danko explains the etiquette this way: “Any casual contact that would be appropriate if you just met a woman in a regular bar is also appropriate in a strip club. Appropriate contact includes a casual touching of a dancer’s arm, shoulder or hand as well as a light hug or peck on the cheek. Contact with any other portion of the dancer’s anatomy is absolutely inappropriate unless initiated by the dancer herself. This includes resting a hand on a dancer’s knee.” Gropers ruin the atmosphere by putting dancers on the defensive. Danko makes another point: If you want to enjoy yourself at a gentlemen’s club, leave your illusions at home. The dancers aren’t there to meet men, which means you’ll be judged on two things: your politeness and your spending habits. Tip appropriately, smile and enjoy yourself.

J. P. Danko says to leave your illusions at home. But don’t exotic dancers sometimes connect with customers, or is it always just business?—R.G., Albuquerque, New Mexico

A dancer may find you attractive, but she’s not looking for a date. We keep our head at strip clubs by pretending the women are very attractive used-car dealers.

The chances of hooking up with a dancer are slim, but I dated a few before meeting one who became my wife, so it can happen. The only advice I can offer is to be nice to the dancers you meet, spend some money on them and don’t treat them like sex objects. Keep in mind that in most cases your jealousy will shut down the relationship. My wife quit dancing after we met—she said she suddenly felt strange when other guys touched her—but many women don’t.—F.B., Chicago, Illinois

Not treating a stripper like a sex object is more than most guys can manage.

During eight years as a dancer I dated customers at every club I worked in. I also met my husband on the job. He said he wanted to eat me like a Christmas turkey dinner. He was such a dork that he stood out.—A.T., Washington, D.C.

The fact that your husband scored at a strip club with that line shatters everything in which we have ever believed.

Scent of a woman

This past weekend a group of friends and I went to Cancún. One evening we stumbled into a strip club and found that the dancers there smelled exactly like the strippers back in the States. In fact, the women at clubs in Nevada and California all seem to wear the same perfume. It’s a scent I’ve never smelled on a woman I’ve dated. Is there a secret combination of oils and pheromones that strippers use to separate men from their money?—T.F., San Luis Obispo, California

It’s no secret—it’s baby lotion. Jennifer Axen and Leigh Phillips, authors of
The Stripper’s Guide to Looking Great Naked
, explain that dancers often mix their favorite scent with lotion to get better coverage and help the perfume last longer. It’s known as the angel-devil mix because the smell is both familiar and sexy.

Paying the rent

My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost a year. We rented a nice apartment in a trendy area in L.A. The rent is steep for us, but we enjoy entertaining and this place is perfect for it. My boyfriend works as a bartender, and I work part-time at a boutique in the afternoon and dance at a strip club (with his blessing) in the evening. All is well, except our expenses have grown faster than our wages. We started to pay our rent a week late, then two weeks late, and the last time we were a month late. Last weekend the landlord asked me to meet him at a coffee shop. He said he was considering taking us to court if we were late again. Then he made a proposal: Sleep with him twice a month and he wouldn’t charge us rent. My boyfriend couldn’t know about this, of course. I’ll use the extra money to buy groceries, pay down our credit card debt and/or stash it in a secret account. I know this is crazy, but the more I think about it, the more I am tempted. It beats worrying about our finances all the time. Please advise.—C.B., Los Angeles, California

Have you ever noticed that each year, when you receive a new lease, the landlord has raised the rent? Twice a month now, and soon it will be weekly. Then perhaps it becomes twice a week, because it would be such a shame if your boyfriend found out. Regardless, it seems doubtful he wouldn’t find out. He’s going to be curious about where the rent money is coming from and why the landlord—who doesn’t sound like the most discreet guy—makes those eyes at you. Rather than risk your relationship, we would accept the inevitable here and find an apartment that fits your budget.

Secret agent man

I’m preparing to hire a dominatrix for a role-playing session: captured secret agent. She seems legit and has an excellent website. I’ve never done anything like this before. How should I expect it to start and end? Should I enter with only the cash I need, and no ID or car keys?—M.I., Washington, D.C.

You seem to have control issues. The dominatrix isn’t going to hold you upside down to shake out change, and she won’t steal your car. It’s a business transaction. You describe what you want, she describes what you get, you agree on a price and soon you’re happily incapacitated. Try to hold out for a few minutes before you give up the mission, okay?

Be prepared

Recently I visited a strip club. An attractive dancer asked if I would like a lap dance. Before the dance was over, I experienced a powerful orgasm. The dancer climbed off my lap, smiled and kissed my cheek. I felt guilty. Is this a common experience? Is there any reason to feel like I did?—M.S., Bronx, New York

None. That’s what’s supposed to happen. Your story reminds us of a memoir published by the sex magazine
Black Sheets
. While looking back on a lifetime as a lap-dance customer, Steve Omlid wrote: “The first thing I learned was that wearing a condom is a smart idea.” There you have it.

Tips for tricks

I am planning a trip to Nevada and would like to visit a brothel. How much should I expect to pay? Would I do better to hire an escort?—M.R., Cleveland, Ohio

We don’t have much experience in this area, so we called a friend who hires an average of three escorts a month and also has made several trips to Nevada brothels. (He claims his hobby has done wonders for his love life, since he no longer worries about getting laid and has more confidence when meeting women.) Our buddy says the brothel experience is “like visiting a bar, except you know you’re going to get fucked.” Once you arrive, greet the madam, have a drink, watch the game and meet the women on your own time. Expect to pay at least $200 to $400 an hour for the sex. You’ll get a better deal hiring an escort in any major city, but you risk arrest and perhaps disease. (Legal prostitutes are tested regularly.) Our friend pays about $300 an hour for women he rates as eights or nines. He finds them online; sites such as TheEroticReview.com allow you to search for “providers” by location, hair color, race, breast size, piercings and other criteria, then read or post reviews. One tip: Put your cash in an envelope, leave it on the dresser and never discuss it. One further note: Our friend is single.

What’s the best way to prepare for a encounter with an escort?—L.J., San Antonio, Texas

Take a shower. While compiling her anthology
Paying for It
, Greta Christina asked the prostitutes and dominatrices who contributed what they expect from customers. “Most sex workers don’t give a damn about your weight, age, race, physical shape or ability,” she writes, “but they do care if you smell bad.”

Hookers and the law

Since prostitution is illegal everywhere except for a few counties in Nevada, how can escort services advertise in newspapers, magazines and the Yellow Pages? It seems they would be easy pickings for the vice squad. Also, let’s say a guy were to call for an appointment. How would he ask, without risking arrest, whether the woman is willing to have sex?—S.M., Chicago, Illinois

No need to ask; they know what you’re after. The services walk a fine legal line, so caution is the watchword. The official deceit is that they hire out women for companionship, not sex. If mutual attraction leads to a hand job, blow job or intercourse, good for you. The police occasionally make arrests; in one case, the escort service owner’s defense was that she led clients to believe they were getting “full service” but told the girls to provide only a strip show. (The jury didn’t buy it.) If you’re a clod and ask the booker or the escort outright if you can pay for sex, the conversation will end abruptly.