Dear Emily (Forever Family) (13 page)

~

I open my eyes and notice that it’s dark now. I’m so hot. It feels like the temperature in my room is one hundred and ten degrees. I’m also pinned to my bed. I start to panic. I feel an arm wrapped around my waist and a weight over my lower legs. I stiffen. What the hell?

As I stiffen, the person behind me, spooning me, holds on tighter and burrows his head into the back of my neck. He’s breathing deeply and is sound asleep.

Kyle.

My panic begins to lessen. I fell asleep several hours ago after having lunch with him and he’s still in my room. How the hell did he get into my bed and why? I try to move out from underneath his heavy and long leg pinning me to the bed. No use.

Even though I can’t move, I’m surprisingly calm.

I begin to relax back into him and listen to his deep breathing. His warm breath on the back of my neck is soothing.

I let his slow breathing lull me back into a near sleep state. I imagine him caressing my entire body. His lips kissing me everywhere, from my neck to my toes. Everywhere. I sigh as I feel myself slipping back to sleep. Sweet dreams.

~

I’m restrained beneath him and I look up and see the smudged black tooth and crooked smile. He’s holding my wrists so tight that my fingers are tingling from the lack of circulation. His hot breath is burning my nose and my mouth is open in a silent scream. He is laughing as he bites my nipple with pure menace. He’s pushing his hips into me, keeping me pinned to the bed. He tears off my panties and starts to thrust his fingers into me, tearing me, burning me.

I start to scream and he shoves his hand over my mouth, muffling my pleas for help. I try to bite his hand but the pain and shock of what is happening to me is too much. I feel him press his penis into me and I can’t take him in. I’m raw and burning. Thrashing. Fighting. Sobbing. Crying.

“No, no, no!”

“Carly, wake up, Carly!” I hear a desperate voice and feel tears pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I shake my head back and forth and I feel his weight on top of me.

“No!” I’m finally able to scream and I buck my body up against his.

“Carly! Carly! It’s me, Kyle!”

I’m sobbing so loud now. He shifts his weight off of me, slips next to me, and starts to whisper in my ear. “Carly, it’s OK. It’s OK.” His voice is soothing and I’m starting to come out of it. “Carly, I’m here. He can’t hurt you. I’m here.” His fingers are softly running up and down my arm and he’s pulling me into him with his other arm.

I gasp as I realize that I’m no longer dreaming that awful dream about Todd. Re-living what he did to me. I’m here with Kyle. In my room. Safe.

“Kyle.” I’m crying and the sobs overtake me.

“Shh, it’s OK, Carly. It’s only me. I won’t hurt you. Ever.”

He pulls me closer.

I let the sobs and tears work through me and try to regulate my gasping to match Kyle’s soothing breaths. Several minutes go by. Kyle remains silent.

Oh my God.

What did he just witness? Does he know what Todd did to me? Please God he can’t.

“Carly?” Kyle asks quietly.

I exhale. “Hmm?”

“Are you OK? I mean that was a dream, right? My God, did someone do something to you to make you dream like that?” I can feel him become rigid behind me and he pulls me even closer into him.

“No, Kyle.” I lie. “It was just a dream.” Seeing Todd today must have triggered it. Fuck.

“I don’t believe you.” Clearly, I didn’t convince him.

“The things you were saying, the way that you were thrashing around. Carly, it was real for you,” he states.

I lie there silently and grab his hand to move it from my waist. He flinches at my touch.

I muster my courage and start talking sternly. “Kyle, first of all, what the hell are you doing here? In my bed? You were supposed to be studying! Second, this is None. Of. Your. Business.”

I pull away and sit up on the edge of my bed. I cannot talk about this. He has no right to know.

He’s silent for a few moments and drops his head, shaking it slowly back and forth.

“God, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have.” He stops and looks up at me.

“You just looked so comfortable and you were sleeping so soundly that it made me tired. I went to go lie down on your roommate’s bed and it kind of smelled musty.”

He’s stammering, clearly nervous. “I crawled into bed next to you and fell right to sleep. It was completely inappropriate and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. I had no other intentions, I swear. God if I had known how this would affect you, I promise I wouldn’t have done that.” He starts shaking his head again and sits up.

“Kyle…”

A loud banging noise commences on my door. I hear voices. Becca, Callie, and Manny! Shit!

“Car, open up! We’re here!” Manny is yelling through the crack in the door.

Kyle’s eyes dart to mine. “Wait,” he says too late as I unlock the door and let it swing open.

Manny, Becca, and Callie walk in and collectively gasp.

Kyle jumps from a reclined position on my bed to his feet and stammers, “Uh, hey. I’m Kyle.”

“Well, sorry to interrupt, Kyle!” Manny giggles.

“Wait, it’s not like that–” I start to say but I’m cut off.

“Carly, I should get going. Thanks for letting me study and crash here.” Kyle grabs his backpack and pushes through the crowd gathered in my room.

I follow him into the hall as I walk past Manny, Becca, and Callie.

“Kyle. We can’t… I mean we shouldn’t... UGH!” I exclaim. “And what about that girl in your room? Your girlfriend. We can’t do this! What was that?” Am I reading this all wrong?

He looks up at me, softly touches my cheek, smiles, and says, “We’re just getting to know each other.” He winks at me. “Laundry date next week?”

Wait. What?

“Oh?” I say. “OK?” I’m suddenly confused by his flirtatious tone. This is all kinds of inappropriate. What is he implying with his gestures? Besides, I think I’ve done enough of his laundry already! I shake my head, perplexed.

“Listen, my friends are here and it’s Wednesday. I’m sorry I’m overreacting, but, just…” I say. “Just, thank you. Thank you for everything today, Kyle.”

His hand is still on my cheek and he drops it down to touch my arm. I flinch slightly and he quickly pulls his hand away. “I’m sorry, Carly. For everything that you’ve been through. I’m so sorry.”

He smiles, turns away, and walks toward the stairwell.

I walk back into my room.

Manny, Becca and Callie are standing each with their hands on their hips. Callie looks worried, Becca is smiling and Manny yells, “What the hell was that Carly?”

And Wine Wednesday has begun.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Past

Age 19

I’m daydreaming
as I take clean plates from the industrial dishwasher and place them in the cabinet. It’s two o’clock, I’m working at the diner and the afternoon lunchtime rush is over. I’ve been working since seven this morning and I’m exhausted! I need to get the caffeine flowing through my veins or I’m going to drop.

I absolutely cannot be late tonight. I’m meeting Alex at the High Note and I don’t want to disappoint him. He’s taking a chance on our potential friendship and me. I can’t let him down as I’ve done with so many other people in my life. If I’m going to make a fresh start, I need to commit to this.

“Tabby, you have a customer in booth eight,” Dottie says as she packs her bag to leave. “And he is a cutie-pie.”

I close the cabinet door, grab my apron, and head out to the dining room. I see that my customer is alone, so I grab one menu and place setting and set them on his table.

“Good afternoon,” I say. “Would you like something to drink?”

He looks up at me and grins. His smile seems so genuine and my cold exterior starts to melt. I typically don’t interact or become too friendly with my customers, or anyone for that matter. But this guy seems so warm and inviting.

“Lemonade please,” he says smoothly. And he flashes that smile again. I don’t move to get him the drink because I’m drawn to his softness and the kindness in his eyes. I can tell immediately that he doesn’t have demons dwelling in his head. Not like me. He’s pure and untainted. I’m afraid if I get too close to him, I will spread my disease of melancholy or worse.

He clears his throat and says again, “Lemonade.”

“Oh, sure, I’ll get that right away for you.” I turn abruptly and go behind the counter to fill up a large glass with ice and lemonade. My hands are shaking a little and I don’t know why or how to stop them. Maybe it’s all of the caffeine that I’ve already consumed today. Or maybe it’s just my nerves. I’m not used to attention from anyone unless it’s a rude comment or a smack to the face. Tony always made sure that I stayed on my toes. Kept me in line.

I take a deep breath, walk back to his table, and place the lemonade in front of him. I start fumbling for a straw in my apron and drop them all to the floor. As straws scatter everywhere, he starts to chuckle. I bend down quickly, scoop most of them up, and shove them back into my apron pocket. I have a flashback to when I scattered Sara’s adoption papers and immediately flinch, thinking that he will pull my hair like Tony did.

I’m embarrassed by my flub and try to pull myself together to take his order. “Have you decided on your meal?”

“Yes, but first, I need to know your name.”

“Why?” I ask. “It has no relevance to your meal,” I snip at him.

“Well, it would have a lot of relevance when I ask you to join me for a late lunch.” He flashes that electric smile again.

“Sir, can’t you see that I’m working? I can’t just sit here with you!” Seriously, this dude has nerve!

He laughs openly and says, “Seth. Not ‘Sir’. Seth Tyson. And you can sit down, I’m the only person in this entire diner.” He gestures to the bench across from him.

“Seth, I really don’t have time for this, so can you please give me your order?”

He replies persistently, “I’ll give you my order as soon as you agree to join me.”

I exhale loudly and roll my eyes. Seriously? I don’t have time for this!

But, I am hungry.

And there is no one else in the diner.

My internal battle is silenced for now and I say, “OK. Fine. My name is Tabitha and I’ll have a
snack
with you!” Hopefully my attitude will make him back off.

“Excellent Tabby! Sit down and let’s discuss our meals!” He is way too excited and he just called me by my nickname. Ha! Seth is an open book with his giddiness and his general happy demeanor. Why does he even want to spend time with me? I’m gross. I’m poison. I will drain his happiness faster than he can blink. He has no idea what he is doing by inviting me to have a ‘snack’ with him.

I quietly move my order pad between us and position my pencil to take his order.

“OK Seth, what is it that you want?” I ask.

He raises his eyebrow and stares into my eyes. His gaze is penetrating yet soft. Something about Seth makes me want to kick off my shoes and just curl up next to him. He seems soothing and protective. Not judging.

I shake my head to get these thoughts out of my head and wait for his answer.

“I’ll have grilled cheese with tomato and an order of fries with gravy on the side.”

My hand shakes a little as I write down his order. Why is he making me so nervous?

“Anything else?” I ask.

“Only for you. What are you going to eat, Tabby?” His tone is very light and ‘fun’. It seems that Seth doesn’t have a care in the world and is playing the part of a Good Samaritan. Well, I don’t need any handouts or false attention. This is a big mistake.

“Nothing,” I state. “Thanks for your order and it will be out shortly.”

I get out of the seat and abruptly leave the dining area. I can feel Seth’s eyes burning into my back.

Why is he flirting with me? Can’t he see the badge on my face? The reminder of the damaged and messed up person that I am?

I press my fingers harshly into my scar and close my eyes. I need to feel the pain of this mark on my face. I need to be reminded of the person that I am. What I gave up for my freedom. I scratch my nails down the scar until it burns.

I remember how much my initial trust in Tony wavered and how he made me feel when he took me in.

Tony walks me upstairs above the bar and opens the door to the apartment. “This will be perfect for you, princess.” He places both hands on my shoulders and starts to massage firmly. “This is your new home and you will never want for anything again. I will take care of you.”

I don’t know how old Tony is, but I believe he is significantly older than I am. I left Pennsylvania at seventeen and turned eighteen while traveling through Nebraska or one of the middle states. Although I’m still a teenager, I don’t think he knows. Or cares.

His hands travel down my back and spine and he places them on my hips.

“I’m so happy that I can help you. We can do so much for each other, princess,” he whispers into my ear.

His hand lightly taps my ass and he pushes me into the bedroom. “Here is your room. Get settled and comfortable. What’s mine is yours.” He smiles, turns, and leaves the room.

Suddenly I panic. I thought this was going to be my own place. ‘What’s mine is yours’? I’m sorry; this is feeling all sorts of wrong. Maybe he didn’t mean it ‘that’ way.

I take my duffle bag and start to unpack the few belongings that I brought with me. Should I be doing this or should I leave? Run? I don’t feel good about this situation, but what can I do? I have no place to live and I just got a job downstairs. I need to ride this out, build up some savings. I will make something of myself.

“Princess!” Tony calls from the other room.

I drop the clothes in my hand and walk through the bedroom door.

“Yes, Tony.” I respond.

“We need to work out your hours as soon as possible. There are three other new cocktail waitresses starting this week and your schedules need to be coordinated.”

“OK Tony, no problem.” I turn away and walk back into the bedroom to put the remainder of my clothes away.

“Don’t wait up for me, princess. I’ll be late tonight.” He turns and walks out the door.

Oh. Shit.

Several hours pass and although I’m apprehensive, I’m pleased with myself. I’ve unpacked my one duffle bag, showered, and eaten a healthy meal. I’m so happy to have a ‘home’. I am nervous about starting work in the bar downstairs, but this will be my ticket to a new life. I need to save every dime that I make. I need to be sure that I can make it on my own.

Several hours later, I hear a key jiggling in the apartment door and I slowly back away. Not knowing whom it could be, I’m nervous and cautious.

Tony stumbles in, chuckling. He has a girl behind him and she is giggling as her ample breasts are bouncing up and down.

“Hello, princess. Trixie and I are going to bed. You’ll be OK out here on the couch, right?” He doesn’t wait for my answer as he pushes past me and shuts the door to ‘my’ bedroom.

I have no idea what is happening, but I thought this was my place! I can hear Trixie’s giggles escalate into pleasure and her noises turn animalistic. Tony is grunting like a gorilla as I curl up on the couch using one of my hoodies as a blanket. I cover my ears with a throw pillow and hope this ends quickly.

I fall asleep on the couch wondering if my recent choices were wise and if I should have stayed with the McClintock family in Philadelphia. Even Tobias McClintock didn’t make my skin crawl like Tony. As many times as Toby walked in on me naked or ogled me around the house, I didn’t feel the way I do now. Alone. Confused. Afraid.

I shake my head slowly thinking about the pervert and hope that I made the right choice.

Ding, ding, ding!

I snap out of these awful memories and realize that the bell is ringing and Seth’s food is up.

Shit.

I grab the plates and walk quickly over to his table.

His head is bent down looking at a magazine as I drop the plates in front of him. “Do you need anything else?” I ask with an annoyed tone in my voice.

“No, but I thought you were eating with me.”

“Nope. I’m working. And I’m NOT interested.” I smirk and am happy that for once I hold the power over this conversation. I’m in control. It’s a great feeling.

I turn to walk away and he grabs my arm lightly. I flinch, stop abruptly, and turn around with my finger in the air, “Listen, Seth. You. Don’t. Know. Me. Let go of my arm and eat your fucking lunch!” I’m absolutely furious at this point. I mean, who the fuck does he think he is? Touching me, grabbing me, and demanding that I have a meal with him.

I’m so fed up with this situation, and honestly, all I can think about is getting out of here and going to see Alex at the High Note.

Seth seems flabbergasted. “Tabby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just thought that since you were alone and this place is empty, you’d want to keep me company.” He looks down at his grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and shakes his head slightly.

Well hell! Now I feel bad. This guy screams ‘nice guy’ and here I am being a total bitch to him. I’m wearing my crazy on my sleeve for all to see.

“It’s OK, Seth. I had a long, hard day.”

I look up at him as he pushes his French fries around the plate. He looks up at me with puppy dog eyes. He’s turning on his charm and I’m falling for it.

“Really, Tabby, I mean no harm. I just would like some companionship. I arrived in Philly six weeks ago and I have yet to crack the social scene. I could use some pointers.”

“Ha!” I say loudly. “Seth, I’ve been here for just a few weeks and I’ve literally had conversations with like four people, other than here at work. I know absolutely nothing about the social scene in Philadelphia and quite honestly, I could give a shit. I work, sleep, work, and sleep again. I can’t be bothered with anything else.”

I turn to walk away and I hear his huff. “Tabitha, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I just don’t know anyone, and, well, I can’t live in a city like this without at least trying. I thought I’d try with you since you seem so genuine, but I guess that isn’t happening.” He looks down at his plate and slowly shakes his head. As if I didn’t already feel sorry for him, this gesture is tipping me over the edge.

“Seth, I work in a bookstore over on Spring Street. Why don’t you come check it out and maybe I can get you on the list for a book signing or two?” I smile at him and he immediately looks up at me. I suddenly feel like he played me because his smile is huge as if he just conquered a large country.

“Thanks Tabby,” he says softly while staring into my eyes. “I’ll stop by on Monday.”

I turn away and walk back to the kitchen. I can feel his eyes burning through my back, into my soul.

What is happening?

And why am I excited about it?

~

Several hours later, I finish up with my last customer and stare longingly at the clock. Twenty more minutes and I am so out of here! Seth has been gone for hours and I kind-of miss him. He was genuinely nice without a hint of mystery. I wonder if he’ll show up at the bookstore on Monday. I actually hope that he will.

I shake my head and try to block out these thoughts about Seth. I’m not sure it’s best for me right now to think of the possibilities with either Alex or Seth. I need time to heal. And I’m not sure either one of them will help me get there.

I remove my apron and tuck my tips into the back pocket of my jeans. I made forty-five dollars tonight and that should be enough to pay my cab fare, cover charge and maybe a drink of soda or two.

“Goodnight!” I call to Jeffery our evening cook. “See you next week!”

I walk quickly out of the diner and hail the nearest taxi. It’s a short ride to the High Note and I’m anxious the entire way. Thankfully, there is no line when I arrive. Also, the bouncer isn’t even posted outside yet. I walk right in and begin to scan the crowd and tables for Alex.