Dear Emily (Forever Family) (21 page)

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Past

Age 18

Todd Mitchell
was sentenced to 25 years without the possibility of parole for each rape that he committed. He will never be free and for that, I’m thankful. The prosecutor was right. This was an open and shut case as all of his other victims came forward and testified.

Kyle and I are sitting on my bed, studying for our Biology II final. I took a second semester of Biology because Professor Martin encouraged it and well, Kyle is her assistant.

“I’m done! I can’t possibly retain any more of this stuff, Kyle!” I slam my book closed and flop onto my back.

He chuckles, closes his book, leans over me, and places his hands near my sides. I flinch a little but immediately relax knowing that Kyle is the one who is so close. “Car, what am I going to do with you?” He smirks and softly kisses the tip of my nose.

I suck in a quick breath as my heart begins to pound in my chest.

He pulls back a little so he is staring into my eyes. “God, you are so beautiful, Carly.”

I blink as tears spill down my cheeks. I certainly don’t feel beautiful with the scars on my body that Todd left behind.

Kyle quickly swipes the tears from my cheeks as he places soft kisses on each one. His lips linger so close to my own. “Please don’t cry. Please don’t give him any more of your tears.” He brushes his nose against mine and places a soft kiss on my lips.

My heart is racing as I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back. He deepens our kiss as I part my lips to allow his tongue to slowly enter. My belly clenches and I press my body into his.

I’m grateful with how slowly he has been taking things with me, but at this moment, my body is responding in a way that I’ve never felt before. “Kyle,” I whisper against his lips.

“Shh, Carly, it’s OK. You’re not ready for more. We’re not ready for more. I just needed to kiss you.” He leans in close, places a soft, chaste kiss on my lips, and moves next to me.

“But–” I begin to say as he places a finger over my lips.

“You have another session with Dr. James next week. Please talk through your thoughts with her. Convince her that you are ready, and I’ll be waiting for you.”

He nuzzles into the side of my neck and wraps his arms around my waist.

“Carly, open up!” Callie yells from the hallway.

Kyle chuckles into my neck and his warm breath causes my body to quiver.

“OK, I’m coming.”

I reluctantly pull away from Kyle to open the door for Callie.

“Hey chick! The gang’s all here. Wine Wednesday!” She looks past me into my room and sees Kyle sitting up on my bed. Manny and Becca share a knowing look and smile.

“I think there is enough in this jug for everyone.” Manny places the large jug of pink wine onto my desk.

“Wow. My first Wine Wednesday. I’m so honored.” Kyle smiles.

For the first time in months, my best friends and Kyle surround me, and I feel OK. Actually, better than OK. I feel wonderful, protected, and loved.

I smile as I sit next to Kyle and grab his hand.

Becca looks at me with a puzzled expression on her face as she notices how close I am to Kyle, and how our hands are entwined.

“What is it, Becca?” Kyle asks innocently. “Am I not allowed to cuddle with my girlfriend?”

I immediately gasp as he says those words. He pulls me closer and whispers into my ear. “Yes, Carly. You’ve been my girlfriend for a while now; you just didn’t know it. Why not make it official with your friends on Wine Wednesday to toast to us.”

I smile and lean into him.

“So, yeah, everyone.” I look around the room at all of the bright eyes and smiles. “Kyle. Well, he’s my boyfriend,” I say through the biggest grin that I’ve had in months.

“Well it’s about damn time!” Manny exclaims. He passes out our red cups filled with pink wine.

“To Us! And to freshman year coming to an end!” Manny starts to clink our cups together.

“Almost to an end.” I correct. “I still have a Biology final to take!”

“It doesn’t matter. Your boyfriend is going to help grade your test so you’re home free!” Becca chimes in.

We all toast and drink to the end of a tumultuous year.

I’m thankful for these incredible people.

This is the first Wine Wednesday where we are actually celebrating something rather than holding a therapy session.

I raise my plastic cup and say, “Thank you guys for everything. You have no idea how much you all mean to me. The support that you have given me has been incredible. You’ve all stood by me through one of the worst times of my life and have helped me come out stronger. I love you guys.”

Everyone raises their cups and clinks them together.

Kyle wraps his arms around me from behind and rests his head on my shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you Carly,” he whispers into my ear.

I close my eyes and smile.

I’m proud of me too.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Past

Age 21

Alex has
been gone for two months. I’ve been following the band’s blog, following their various successes. Looking at pictures of him performing his soulful and melancholy music. I don’t have the right to do this, I know. Alex is gone and I’ve moved on.

Seth and I have been together since the night he made love to me, after Alex left me. We haven’t spoken about our status as a couple, but he’s a constant calming presence. He tells me at least five times a day how much he loves me. I need to hear that, even if I can’t say the words back.

We’ve found a rhythm together, and it just works.

He comforts me and that’s what I need.

Now more than ever.

Because this morning, I found out that I’m pregnant.

I have been so preoccupied with my sorrow that I failed to realize that I missed two periods. For the past few days, ever since I took four pregnancy tests confirming my worst fears, I’ve been shut in my apartment.

I need to tell someone what is going on. But who? When I think back to the times that I had unprotected sex, only two times come to mind. Alex and Seth, just days apart. Who do I tell? This baby could be either of theirs.

Without thinking, I grab my phone and dial Alex’s number. I have to tell him in hopes that he’ll forgive me and come home. To make things right. I need him right now more than anything. I love him and want nothing more than to fix what I’ve done.

I rest my hand over my womb, close my eyes, and listen to the line ring.

“Hello?” says a raspy female voice. Shit, did I dial the wrong number?

Startled, I respond. “Is… Alex there?”

She answers quickly. “No, um… He’s incapacitated at the moment.” I can almost hear her smile.

Oh, no. I feel my heart beating out of my chest, my pulse racing and I start to feel faint. I can’t believe that he’s moved on! Who is this woman? I stifle a cry and say, “Please tell him to call Tabitha. I need to talk to him.”

“Sure, whatever.” And the line goes dead.

Sobs overtake my body as I pull my knees to my chest. I have no right to feel this way but I’m so overcome with sadness.

He has moved on.

Hasn’t looked back.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

I don’t hear Seth enter the room, but I feel strong arms wrap around my body. “Tabby, baby, what’s wrong?” he whispers in my ear.

What do I tell him? My body is shaking as I sit up.

I look down and softly say, “Seth, I’m pregnant.”

He sits completely still next to me and doesn’t utter a word. I hear his breathing hitch and he puts his head into his hands. We sit like this for what seems like hours.

He finally breaks our silence. “I don’t know what to say, Tabby. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready for this. Are you?”

I gasp at his admission and realize suddenly that he’s going to leave me too. I start to sob uncontrollably as he pulls me tight into his side. “I’m sorry Tabby.”

Out of desperation I cry, “Please, Seth, please don’t leave me. Please. I can’t go through this alone. I need you!”

He continues to cradle me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. “I won’t leave you, Tabby. I love you.” I hold onto him tight, hoping that he won’t leave. I don’t know that I’m ready for a baby yet either. There is an empty void in my chest that Alex left behind that a baby just couldn’t fill. I’m a monster to think this way, but I just can’t do this. Seth will take care of me. Love me.

I already know what we need to do as I silently make the decision for all of us.

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Past

Age 18

I just
finished my last final exam for the spring semester and I’m in my room, stretched out on my bed. I look at my favorite ‘happy’ picture of my family and for the first time since Todd raped me, I feel content that they aren’t judging me. I grab and hug my blanket as I curl up on my side. Kyle and I have been spending so much time together. We’re officially together and in a relationship and I’m finally ready for so much more. He’s been so patient and gentle with me for the past eight months, I’m eternally grateful.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over what happened to me, but I finally feel as if I can allow him to get close to me, in more ways than one. Dr. James has helped me immensely and has helped me make sense of my anger, pain, and intimacy issues.

He’s perfect in every way.

I hear a faint tap on my door. “Carly, are you here?”

Kyle.

I smile, stretch, and walk to the door to let him in.

“Hi,” he says, grinning.

Every time I see him, my belly clenches and the butterflies come alive. His smile gets even bigger as the dimple in his chin is just begging me to put my thumb in it.

He walks toward me as the door closes behind him. There is intensity in his stare that I haven’t seen before as his bright blue eyes turn to liquid. I inhale quickly and feel my cheeks flush. He reaches out and wraps one arm around my waist, pulling me tight against his body. Our chests are pressed into each other; I look up as our eyes lock. My breasts swell as my nipples brush against him. My heart is racing and Dr. James’ words ring in my ears.

It’s OK.

I’m normal.

God I want this with Kyle.

I abandon all restraint. I want this. I’m aching for this.

His mouth crushes into mine. Tender, soft lips. Soft kisses. Whoa. I take a breath in as he slowly starts to savor me. He’s kissing me gently, his tongue softly tracing my lips. I begin to melt in his embrace. I feel my tense shoulders start to drop and relax. His other arm wraps tightly around my waist, pulling me even closer. The heat builds across my ribcage where his arms are resting. I push into him and part my lips to allow him full access. He traces my lips softly with his tongue before he plunges into my mouth.

Our breaths are in synch and our noses brush together. He moves his hands below my ass and lifts me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. He turns, pushes my back into the door, and continues to ravage my mouth. I’m positioned on his hips perfectly. I feel his arousal in all of the right places and I want more. I need more. I’m burning in my core. Our lips are fused together as I start to grind my pelvis into him. I quiver in his arms as a tremor of white heat passes through me.

His lips leave mine and travel across my cheek to my ear. His breathing is heavy and hot on the side of my neck and I groan. “Mmm, Kyle.” I feel his lips brush against the spot just behind my ear, he softly exhales, and the cool air from his mouth sends shockwaves through my body. I shiver all over, grab his neck tighter, and press my body harder into his.

“Carly,” he pants as his lips are back on mine. He opens his eyes and holds my cheeks in his two palms. “God, you are so beautiful.” His ocean blue eyes glisten and he breathes deeply, pulling me into him. “So, so beautiful.” He places a soft kiss on each of my eyelids then kisses the tip of my nose.

His palms are burning into me as he pulls me tighter. My panties are wet and the friction from his jeans against my core is sending shockwaves through my feminine parts. My body is throbbing and I need more.

“Kyle,” I whisper. His kisses wander back to my lips.

“Carly,” he says quietly against my lips.

Our eyes are locked on each other again and mine plead with his to take me. Take all of me. He once again crushes his lips against mine.

We don’t say a word as he turns and walks over to my bed. He places me gently on my back onto the mattress as he kisses the side of my neck.

He locks his arms on either side of my body and pushes himself up for a moment. I immediately feel the void and miss his lips on mine.

I tremble as he stares into my glistening eyes.

“Kyle, why did you stop?” I whisper, choking on a sob.

“I don’t want to stop, Carly. I just need you to be sure. I want you so bad. So bad, Carly.” His eyelids become heavy as his gaze moves from my eyes to my lips. I lick them and grab my lower lip with my teeth. He immediately puts his mouth over mine, and I feel his own teeth softly pulling and sucking my lip into his mouth. I raise my hips so that I can feel his arousal against my pulsing clit.

“I want you, Kyle, please.”

He pushes away from me again and looks into my eyes. “You need to be sure, Carly. Please tell me you are sure. I won’t be able to stop and I don’t want to rush you.” His lips are back on my neck and he whispers, pleads, “Please, Carly, please be sure.”

“Kyle, I’m sure. God I’m sure, please. Please make love to me.”

And I am so very sure. I want him more than anything else. His tenderness is erasing my past. I’m renewed and feeling as if I haven’t been with anyone else.
This
is going to be my first time.

It’s going to be my first time making love. With someone that I love.

Oh my God! I love him. Actually, I’m
in love
with him. We’ve known each other for eight months, and have been through so much together; this just
feels
right. Tears spill from the corners of my eyes. Kyle gasps and pulls away.

“Carly. Oh, no. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have… God. Forgive me.” His own eyes are glistening now and I panic. He’s mistaking my tears for fear.

“Oh my God, Kyle. No! I’m not upset. I want this. God, more than anything.” I reach for him and pull him close.

“Then why are you crying, Carly?”

“They are happy tears. I just… I just realized something, that’s all.”

He stares hard into my eyes and his brow tightens with a look of worry.

“What did you realize?” he asks softly.

I look away, blink, and allow more tears to cascade down my cheeks.

He softly brushes his knuckles against both of my cheeks, wiping away the tears. I smile into his eyes, “I realize that I love you, Kyle.”

He inhales deeply and cradles my face in his palms.

“Say it again,” he demands gently.

I exhale and look into his eyes.

“I love you.”

He crushes his lips to mine, kissing me with passion, longing, and love. We are each gasping for air as our embrace intensifies. I reach for the bottom of his shirt and start to pull it up to his chest, my fingernails softly scraping his chiseled abdomen.

He sucks in a breath and leans back.

“Stop, Carly. I need you to know.”

The silence is unbearable.

“Please, Kyle, please don’t stop,” I beg. I’m burning up; I need to feel his heat against me. Inside me.

“God, Carly, I love you. I love you so fucking much. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never needed to feel like this before. You’ve turned me upside down, Carly. Inside out.”

He’s silent for a moment as he leans closer to me.

He kisses my cheek, and then my neck, and whispers, “I love you.”

I throw my arms around his neck and pull him against my body. His weight pins me into the bed, and I let him. It’s OK. I’m not panicking.

Instead, my senses are heightened and my entire body is pulsating.

His hands slowly leave my face as his knuckles gently begin caressing my breasts. His fingers lightly pass over my already hardened nipples and I suck in a breath. His lips are back on mine instantly. Our kisses become more urgent and feverish.

He pushes off of me, onto his knees and reaches over his shoulder with one hand to pull his tee shirt off. My belly clenches at the sight of his hard, chiseled abs. I softly bite my lower lip while allowing my gaze to go lower.

He leans back on his knees as I feel his eyes burning into me. He sucks in a breath as I slowly pull my sweater over my head. I immediately regret taking my shirt off with the light on. I don’t want him to see the scars on my breasts and belly. I stiffen a little thinking about the vicious marks that Todd left on my body. I feel ugly and scarred.

Kyle senses my discomfort. “Carly, don’t.” He reaches down and pulls my hands away from my body, so he can look at me. His eyes travel from my neck, lower to my breasts. He inhales again, lowers his head, and softly places his lips on the faded scar above my left breast. I melt as his tongue slowly traces the ridges of the scar. He’s transformed the gruesome aftermath of my attack into a tender, loving moment. He savors my scars, softly kissing each one until they burn. A wonderful burn that radiates throughout my chest and into my belly.

My breasts spring free as he gently removes my bra; the cool air causes my nipples to harden.

His warm mouth immediately covers one of my exposed nipples as his tongue softly teases the tip. My breathing turns to gasps. I need more. His mouth is savoring both of my breasts as his hands push down my sweatpants. I wiggle my hips to help him remove them. I’m now only wearing my panties as I realize that Kyle still has way too much clothing on.

I reach down between us and undo the button on his jeans. He reaches down and places his hand over mine, stopping me.

“Wait,” he whispers.

“Kyle, please.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” he asks, his eyes pleading with mine.

“Yes,” I say softly.

He immediately jumps off of me, removes his jeans, and slowly lowers himself back on top of me.

I feel
everything
against me. His full erection is pressing into my belly and his mouth has found my breast again. I arch my back into him, allowing him full access. My nipples are cool again as he removes his mouth and lightly traces his tongue down my belly.

I feel his fingers on my panties, sliding them down my hips. He stops, looks up at me with his liquid blue eyes, and says, “God, Carly. I want you so much.” I nod my head giving him permission to go further.

His tongue lightly travels over my belly button and above my panty line. As he rolls my panties down my hips and legs, his mouth and tongue follow. My hips buck up involuntarily as he places his mouth over my exposed feminine parts. White heat radiates through my core as his teeth and tongue make contact with my most intimate areas.

I need more.

“Mmm, Kyle,” I moan.

His tongue parts my sensitive lips as I feel a finger slowly slip through my wetness. He guides his finger in and out so slowly as if he’s worried about hurting me. Tears build in my eyes and I sob softly. I’m so profoundly moved by his tender gestures. He’s erasing all of the violence of my last sexual experience with his gentle touches.

He slowly swirls his tongue around my clit, barely making contact. My hips are moving in motion with his mouth as intense pressure builds in my core. My walls clench around his finger as I come apart completely. Oh. My. God. My moans become raspy as Kyle continues to ride the waves of my orgasm with his mouth and finger.

My chest is heaving as I try to catch my breath. Kyle slowly removes his finger and moves back up my body. He leans on his elbows on either side of my head as he cradles my face in his hands. “Carly, that was beautiful. You. Are. Amazing.” He kisses me tenderly and passionately.

I reach down between our bodies and into his boxer briefs. I slowly place my hand around his cock. It’s engorged and it’s scorching hot. The tip is wet with his excitement. He sucks in his breath and moans into my mouth, “Carly.”

I push his boxer briefs lower and he takes over. He pushes them completely off as he leans back to grab something from the pocket of his jeans. I see a shiny foil of a condom package as he tears it open quickly. He rolls it down his length and my walls clench in anticipation.

He lowers himself back on top of me softly kissing the most sensitive area of my neck. His teeth scrape against my earlobe as he inhales deeply.

“Carly,” he whispers into my ear. His soft voice and breath relaxes me completely. His tenderness is overwhelming me. “I want you. I want us.” He’s staring into my eyes, his fingers softly caressing my face as he slowly pushes into me. I gasp in pleasure at the sudden fullness inside of me. He devours my moans with his lips, tongue, and mouth. I can feel every inch of him inside of me as he drives deeper.

“I love you, Carly,” he says. His hips swirl and oh my God. My walls tense and pulsate around him just as another mind-numbing orgasm ravages my quivering body.

“Kyle!” I moan into his mouth.

His pace quickens as he pumps deeply into me. His body tenses and his chest heaves. “Carly,” he moans. I can feel his cock throbbing inside of me as his release overtakes him.

He slowly pulls out of me, gets up, and walks over to my sink. He cleans himself quickly and returns to my bed. I feel a warm wetness pressed between my legs as he softly cleanses my most feminine areas. His tender gesture causes me to suck in a quick breath. His eyes never leave mine.

My heart continues to pound in my chest. I’m overcome by my emotions as my chest heaves. “Kyle,” I start to sob.

“No, Carly, please don’t cry,” he pleads.

“They’re happy tears, Kyle. I’m happy crying.”

He slides into bed next to me cradling me in his arms. “Only happy tears from now on, Carly,” he says as he places soft kisses on my cheeks over my rolling tears.

“Promise me,” he asks.

“I promise, Kyle. No more sadness. Only happy tears.” I smile as his lips once again find mine.

We stop kissing as he nuzzles his nose into the side of my neck.