Dear Darling (13 page)

“Where are the kids, Saffy?”

“Sam and Beth are fine. They are next door,” I whispered, pulling him out into the hall. “It’s George and Alisha.” Taking a deep breath, not wanting to say the words that I was about to say. “Janet took them.” I looked at my hands, twisting them around and around, over and over. He gripped hold of me by the arms, and I looked up into his eyes.

“What?” he roared. I’d never seen him so angry, not even after my attack. He was furious, rage flamed in his eyes and his mouth contorted into a snarl.

“Your mum, she took the kids. Aaron is out searching now.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialled his brother, and then put the call on speaker so I could hear.

“Where are you? Have you found her?”

“I’m at Shelley’s office. She hasn’t seen Janet for months,” Aaron replied, I could hear the exasperation in his voice. It shocked me to hear his sister’s name, I hadn’t even realised that Aaron knew where she worked.

“Where do you want me to start?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.” He sounded terrified. My mind wandered back to the day we’d see her in the café. My body started to tremble.

“I think I might know where to look,” I said, my voice quiet. Eli looked at me, confusion flashing across his angered face. “We saw her in town a couple of months ago. She was in a café. Um, I think it was called Coffee & Cake or something like that. I didn’t know who she was and Jodie wouldn’t tell me,” I said quickly, trying to defend my actions. “I tried to give her money, she was homeless and looked terrible. But then she saw Jodie and started screaming at us.” My chest ached as I remembered that day. “When we left, she asked us if the kids were her grandkids.” I lowered my gaze, not wanting to look at him.

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“It was the day you got the job, and you were so happy. I didn’t want you to feel sorry for her. She didn’t deserve your sympathy.” He took the phone off speaker and lifted it to his ear.

“Aaron, did you get all that?” I heard him say as he walked through the front door and away from the house.

“We’re going to give Mrs Vale something to calm her down,” the paramedic said, carrying a bag through to where Jodie sat. I watched as they injected her with something, wishing that they would give me something too. The pain and fear was too much to handle.

“I’m going to go and check on the children,” I said to Jodie, who didn’t look like she even heard me, and then I walked out of the house and past the window to the next door neighbour’s house.

“Hi, Saffron,” Nicola said, opening the door. Her voice was strained and full of sympathy.

“I wanted to check that they were safe.” My eyes squinted to stop the tears.

“Beth is fast asleep,” she said, as Sam’s little footsteps pattered against the tiled floor towards me.

“Hey, baby.” I lifted him up into my arms, holding him tighter than I’d ever held him in my life. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Nicola let me watch
Finding Nemo
. It’s really cool.” I smiled at my precious boy.

“That’s great. You better get back to watching it then.” I urged, knowing I needed to get back to next door.

“Can George come and watch it with me?” My heart splintered at his words, and I tried to hold back my emotions.

“Maybe later, baby. He’s busy at the moment.” Nicola watched our exchange, a tear in her eye. Her and her husband, David, had moved to the neighbourhood a year after Aaron and Jodie did, and had become good friends with them.

“Come on, Sam. Let’s go see if they find Nemo,” she encouraged as I placed him back on his feet. She turned back to look at me and I mimed a “Thank you,” as I closed the door behind them.

The sun started to set, and I started to worry about Sam and Beth. They’d been next door all day, and it had been a couple of hours since I last checked on them. They must be terrified not knowing what was going on. I was gathering the strength to release Jodie’s hand when the front door slammed open. Jodie squeezed my hand so hard I thought the bones would shatter, and we both turned our faces to see who would come in.

“Mummy, Mummy.” George stood there, frantic to find his mum but okay, safe. Jodie let out a strangled cry and leapt from her seat, rushing her son in a whirlwind of tears and broken breaths. Aaron appeared behind George with Alisha wrapped tightly in his arms. His face filled with relief, his eyes heavy and dark. Aaron knelt next to where Jodie was hugging George tightly against her chest, rocking back and forth. He collapsed next to her before pulling both her and George against his chest. Feeling his heat behind me as I watched the exchange before me, I turned to see Eli standing in the doorway, watching. He looked at me, but there wasn’t just relief in his eyes. He was angry. His teeth were clenched and the muscle on the side of his jaw ticked, as he glared at me, flicking his head to tell me to leave the house. I followed him nervously.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d seen her?” he said through gritted teeth.

“What was I supposed to say, Eli. ‘Hey, we bumped into your homeless mum while we were out shopping’? No. I couldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t. And Jodie wouldn’t put Aaron through that either. We agreed that it didn’t matter that we had seen her. Neither of you wanted anything to do with her anyway. How was I to know this would happen?” His eyes softened. He knew he was wrong to be mad at me for this. So when he held out his arms, I walked into his chest. “I’m so sorry,” I cried, even though I had just got done telling him it wasn’t my fault.

“What’s done is done.” He sighed, and I could feel it reverberate through his chest.

“Where were they? Where’s Janet?” I looked up at him.

“Shelley found her. She’d been living in some old abandoned building near to the café, it was disgusting.” His voice full of sympathy and resentment. I knew that he was warring with himself, and it was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to tell him in the first place. “The police took her for questioning. I don’t know what will happen to her.” He let go of me and leaned against the wall, looking at his feet.

“How are you?” I had to ask, I knew how he was but he wouldn’t admit it.

“I’m okay. It was weird seeing Shelley. She’s so grown up.” He hadn’t seen his sister since he was eleven, I didn’t know why they abandoned her, she was innocent too. I guessed they had their reasons. I was just happy they had finally reconnected, even if it were under extreme circumstances.

“You should invite her for tea sometime,” I urged.

“Yeah, maybe.” He paused, thinking about it. “Let’s go and get the kids, hey.” He straightened, but instead of walking out the door, he wrapped his arms around me again. “I love you, you know that, right?”

“I know. I love you, too.”

Then, he moved to wrap his arm around my shoulder, and we walked to the neighbour’s house. I was desperate to hug my children.

I do worry, you know? I worry about how you will go on once you know I’ve gone. You will be okay, though. I want you to carry on with life. You have so much love and compassion; it would be a crime not to share it with someone else. As much as it kills me to think of you with someone else, it has to happen.

My head is pounding; the stress is getting to me. You would think that after everything we have been through I would be used to stress by now, but I’m not. I’m a worrier, I always have been. I know that Shelley will look after you, she loves you so much, and I’m so happy that you were reunited. The day you reconciled was another memory that I’ll never forget.

It had been three weeks since that day, Jodie and Aaron were starting to get back to normal. Janet was being held in a psychiatric hospital after an assessment by a doctor determined that she was mentally unstable. I knew my husband; I knew he was warring with himself over what to do. He wanted to go see her to find out why she did it, but he wouldn’t admit it. He was furious with her, but he also felt remorse.

Aaron was rightfully angry. He refused to have anything to do with Janet, and he didn’t care what happened to her. Jodie wasn’t handling the situation well. She’d become withdrawn, not wanting to take the kids to school or leave them with anyone, not even Aaron. She slept in their bedroom at night, never letting them out of her sight. She wouldn’t even allow me and the kids to visit. It upset me that she’d pushed me away, but I knew what depression was like, it was her way of dealing with what had happened.

“What time is she arriving?” Eli asked, for the third time in the last hour. Shelley was due to come around for afternoon tea, and I was hoping that she could fill in a few blanks for us. He needed to know how she’d come to be in that state in the first place and then maybe he could make some sense of it all. When I turned to him, his eyes were the same state of glazed they had been for the last few weeks. He’d been distant, not wanting to talk to me about what had happened. He hadn’t been sleeping, either, and the dark circles around his eyes were becoming darker.

“She’ll be here in twenty minutes,” I said, pulling the bacon from the pan. He sat on the breakfast stool, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Mum, will Auntie Shelley like my picture?” Eli glanced at his son and then went back to staring at the table.

“I’m sure she will love it. Just as she will love you.” Sam was excited about meeting the aunt he just found out he had. He didn’t understand why he was only just meeting her, but I’d explained that she lived away from us, and now she was back. Beth was too young to understand, but she knew someone special was coming.

“What do I say to her?” Eli asked once Sam had left the room. He hadn’t looked up from the table, his fingers twisting around each other in front of him.

“She’s your sister,” I said, sitting in front of him. “You speak to her like you’d speak to anyone else. You need to get to know her again.” He lifted his face and looked at me for what felt like the first time in days.

“I’m scared, Saff. I’m scared of what she’s going to tell me. When Aaron took me, he left her because she was never abused. But what if he hit her? What if he . . .” He trailed off, and I knew what he was thinking.

“It wouldn’t be your fault if he did.” His rigid body relaxed slightly. “None of it was your fault.” I reached out and covered his hands with mine, willing him to
hear
my words. “I’ll be here, I’ll always be here.” The doorbell rang and interrupted our moment. I stood, knowing he wasn’t going to move from his seat, and went to get the door.

“Hi, Shelley. I’m Saffron, it’s nice to meet you.” I invited her into the house. Her small frame looked huddled inside her winter coat. I offered my hand, and she took it; her cold, frail hand loosely shook mine. Looking at her face, her frown lines were prominent, but she had a gleam in her eye, a spark, a fight and I hoped that her life hadn’t been as bad as her brother’s. I watched as she opened the buttons on her coat, gently pushing each one carefully through the hole. Everything she did was delicate. She gently slipped her arms out, and I let out a quiet gasp when I witnessed how thin they were. Her frame was the size of a young teenager, not a twenty-three-year-old woman.

“Thank you,” she said quietly as I took her coat. Her voice, which was almost a whisper, sounded shaky. She was nervous, and I wanted to make her comfortable.

“Please, come in and take a seat. The children are excited to meet you.” Her chapped pink lips curled up into a small smile and her eyes sparkled.

“What are their names?”

“Sam is six and Beth is four” I watched as she smiled and then internally warred with herself before asking.

“What are Aaron’s children called?” Aaron and Jodie had refused to let her see the children. But she seemed genuinely concerned, so I told her.

“George is eight and Alisha is almost five. And they are both fine, so don’t worry about it.” Hope flashed across her face as she tugged at her right ear, just like her brother did when he was nervous. “I’m going to check on the food and let Eli know you’re here,” I said, trying to make her feel comfortable. She nodded and I turned away, making my way back to the kitchen. I was almost there when I heard Sam making his way down the stairs.

“Is she here? Is my new auntie here?” he asked, Beth following on his heels. She was the shy one of the pair, watching what her brother did and following his lead.

“She’s in the lounge, now be nice and don’t bombard her with questions,” I told him, straightening his T-shirt and kissing his soft hair. “You want to meet your new auntie, Bethy?” I asked her, and she shrugged, following her brother into the lounge.

“Are you going to go in?” I asked Eli as I entered the kitchen. He was still in the same position I’d left him in earlier. “I think she needs you, Elias. She looks awfully frail.” He looked up at me, his eyebrows creased in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s so thin and delicate. She looks like a child.” He thought about my words for a moment, and I knew that worst-case scenario was rolling through his mind. Then, as I watched, I saw something change in my husband. He stood, straightened his shoulders, and followed the children through to the sitting room.

I chopped the bacon and tossed it into the salad, adding some dressing and placing it onto the dining table. I’d made a small spread, but I was beginning to think I should’ve made a good home-cooked meal. Shelley looked like she hadn’t had a proper meal in a while.

“Would you all like . . .” I stopped in my tracks and watched Eli hug his sister. It was such a poignant moment, seeing them both together after seventeen years apart. Shelley sobbed as Eli stroked the back of her long brown hair. Sam was sitting on the arm of the sofa watching his dad with curious eyes, and Beth was off in her own world dressing and undressing her Barbie doll.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” Shelley said as she pulled away from her brother.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ve laid out some food if you’d like to come through to the dining room.” I smiled. Eli nodded and turned away slightly, but I could see him wiping his eyes. When he turned back, his gaze was misty and his eyes were rimmed with red. We made our way through to eat, Shelley sat next to Sam, who had already started to dig into the chocolate finger biscuits.

“Sam, eat something savoury before pudding please,” I scolded. He gave me a sly grin before shoving all the biscuits on his plate into his mouth in one go. Shelley laughed, and it was a beautiful sound.

“What do you do at work?” I asked her, trying to make conversation.

“I answer the phones and do paperwork. You know, boring office stuff.” She shrugged, picking at the food on her plate. Eli hadn’t noticed that she wasn’t eating much, but I had. I knew there was something wrong. “What do you do, Elias?” She turned to face him, giving him her undivided attention. By the way she looked at him, it was obvious that having Eli back in her life meant a lot to her.

“I work at UCL. I’m a professor there,” he replied, proudly.

“Wow! That’s awesome. What do you teach?”

“Space science and engineering.” She looked in awe of her brother.

“That’s so cool. I bet uni was a blast. I wish I could’ve gone.” She looked at her plate, once again picking off pieces of food that she wasn’t going to eat. I watched their exchange throughout the entire meal, and she ate nothing but a few crumbs of bread and some water.

“Did you go to college?” I asked her, leading up to the hard questions. I had to do this for Eli.

“No, Mum . . .” She looked at Eli, watching his reaction as she mentioned Janet. When he didn’t react, she continued. “Mum kept me at home for most of my school life. I didn’t finish my GCSEs, I had to look after her and Dad.” Eli flinched at the mention of his father. His mouth contorted into an ugly snarl, and his hand gripped his fork tightly. I gently nudged his leg under the table, and his grip loosened.

“I didn’t know you had a Daddy,” Sam announced, loudly. Eli stood from the table and left without another word. The silence he left in his wake hung thick in the air.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to . . .” Shelley apologised, her eyes, once again, looking at her plate. “I should go.”

“No, please, stay.” I reached out for her hand, gripping it tightly. “Just give him a minute. I’m going to go put the children down for a nap, and then we can talk. I won’t be long.”

“But, Mum, I’ve not finished,” Sam complained.

“You can have chocolate later,” I bribed, and he jumped up, running towards the stairs. I picked Bethany up and followed him out, having the kids tucked up in bed in record time. I found my husband sitting on our bed.

“She didn’t mean it,” I said as I took as seat next to him and stroked his back.

“I know she didn’t. It’s hard hearing her talk about him, you know? I’ve tried so hard to forget. I need to remember that she had a different side of him.”

“You can’t blame her because your father gave her love and not you, Eli. She needs help.” He looked at me, confusion marring his perfect face.

“What do you mean?”

“She clearly has an eating disorder.” His whole body tensed. “She hasn’t touched a bite of her food, she is so disturbingly thin and frail. She needs help, she needs her brother.”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t see it.”

“Let’s go and talk to her. It will be hard, but you need to find out how she got like this. You need to know about her life.” I sighed. “You came out the other side, you had Aaron to guide you, she didn’t have anyone.” Gripping his hand tightly, I stood and pulled him into me. We hugged for the longest time before he released me and we headed downstairs.

Shelley was still at the table, her food still untouched. Eli sat next to her and gave her a warm smile.

“Would you like a cup of tea, coffee? I asked.

“Tea would be nice. Thank you.” She smiled. I made a pot of tea and placed it in the centre of the table, with some cups, milk, and sugar. The only sound was the soft clinking of spoons as we all stirred our drinks. Someone needed to start the conversation, I was guessing it had to be me.

“We’re sorry, Shelley. Would you like to tell us about your childhood?” She looked at Eli, waiting for his reaction, and he nodded his acceptance. Taking a deep breath, she continued.

“When you and Aaron left, Dad started drinking more. He didn’t hit me like he did you and Aaron, but his mental abuse was . . .”

“What did he do to you?” Eli asked through gritted teeth. I could see his anger building, and I reached out to take his hand, wanting to try to soothe him.

“He told me I was worthless, that I’d never amount to anything, and I was as bad as my waste-of-space brothers. He would often put me down, making me stay home to cook and clean because ‘that was all I was good for’.” Her eyes glazed over as she spoke. “I wanted to leave. When I was sixteen I tried to get a job, but he stopped it, telling the man in the shop who’d given me the job that I was a thief and a whore. I couldn’t leave, I had no money, so I stayed.” Eli reached out for his sister’s hand and she took it. Her frail fingers looked so small inside his. “Then when he got ill, Mum blamed me. She told me that it was my fault because I’d been such a difficult child. She blamed you and Aaron, too.” The look of confusion on Eli’s face told me that he didn’t know his father had been sick.