Dear Darling (17 page)

It had been a week since I’d seen the doctor and the gynaecologist had contacted me with an appointment to go for my colposcopy. All I needed to do now was make an excuse for disappearing all day.

“Hi, sweet cheeks, how are things?” Mel asked as she answered the phone.

“I’m good.” I forced the words out. “How are things there? How’s Shelley getting on?” Shelley finally married Johnathon and they had a big white wedding in Surrey with all the children as her bridesmaids and pageboys. It was a beautiful day, and the first time the whole family had been together in a long time.

“She’s great. She’s doing so well, one of my best designers in fact.” I was so happy to hear that.

“That’s great. Look, I need to ask a favour.”

“Shoot.”

“I need to get Eli a gift for Christmas and it’s out of town. Can I tell him I’m coming to visit you for the day?”

“Yeah, sure. Although, it would be nice if you could come down for the day sometime?”

“Of course I will. I’m so busy at the moment with work and trying to get so much done before Christmas. But I promise to come and see you soon.”

“Good, ’cause I miss your face. See you soon.”

“I miss your face, too. Thanks, Mel. I love you,” I said, an ache deep in my heart. I hated lying to Mel, but I didn’t want to worry her. I had considered telling Jodie, but didn’t want to drag her into my deceit. She would make me tell Eli and I couldn’t do that.

By the time Eli got home from work and I was putting dinner on the table, my stomach was a ball of knots. Still, I steadied my hands and glanced at my husband.

“Hey, darling, is it okay if I go across to Surrey for the day on Friday? Mel wants to go Christmas shopping and asked if I want to go with her.”

“You know you don’t need to ask me.”

“I know, but I wanted to check to make sure. I’m not sure if I’ll be back in time to cook tea.”

“Mum, I can cook,” Bethany said as she took her seat at the table.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ll leave some money for you to order a pizza.”

“I can do it you know. We have cooking at school.” My fourteen-year-old baby girl was turning into a woman and it broke my heart that I wouldn’t be around to watch her get married or have children of her own.

“Let’s wait and see what time your dad gets home from work first.” It’s not that I didn’t trust her, I just didn’t want my house burned down. She huffed but picked up her fork and started to eat.

“Are you going to be buying me anything nice?” Eli asked, smirking. I hadn’t thought my plan through. He was going to expect me to come home with gifts.

“I might. But, I’m not going to tell you.” I winked selling the lie even further.

* * *

The day of my colposcopy came around, and I’d never been so nervous. I felt sick to my stomach. A million different things ran through my mind. It felt as if my life had been doomed from the beginning. Anything that could go wrong had gone wrong. But even then, I never in a million years thought that I would end up here. Cancer is one of the most devastating words someone can hear. It doesn’t just affect you, it affects your whole family and brings your entire world falling around you.

“Hello, Mrs Vale. Do you not have anyone with you today?” A nurse with a badge that declared her as Terri asked as she walked over to where I was sitting. She was petite and pretty with long brown hair and piercing blue eyes. The look of concern on her face had me squirming in my seat.

“My husband had to take the children to school. He’ll be here as soon as he’s dropped them off,” I answered, looking around the room as if every single person waiting knew I was lying. Then something struck me deep in my gut. I was the only one here alone. The only one without someone holding their hand or whispering words of encouragement or love in their ear.

“I will tell the receptionist to send him back when he gets here. Are you ready?’

With a nod, I stood and followed her through the large double doors. We entered another, larger room with small waiting areas dotted around a central nurse’s station. Much like in the outside waiting room, there were several people hanging around with loved ones for different procedures. Terri took me through another door that led to a small changing area.

“You can change in here,” she said as she pulled an unflattering hospital gown from a drawer. “You can keep your socks and bra on, but please remove everything else. There are lockers here for you to store your things. When you’re ready, you can go and have a seat, and I’ll bring you back when the doctor is ready for you.”

“Thanks,” I muttered, frozen where I stood. I stayed still for another beat after the door closed, contemplating if I should leave, but then decided I had to at least know. I changed quickly and stashed my shoes, clothes, and bag in the locker. I didn’t have anywhere to put the key, so I grasped it tightly in hand as if it the small, cold piece of metal was some kind of lifeline to a different future. My heart raced as I made my way to one of the waiting areas. I may not have been the first one called back from the front room, but I knew I was first on the doctor’s list for the day. It was a small relief to know I wouldn’t have to wait long.

Terri walked by, and I caught her attention.

“Will I find out today what they find, or will I have to wait for an appointment?”

“The doctor will probably see you first thing next week. I know it’s scary waiting, but they have to double-check the results first. I promise you won’t wait long though. Don’t worry, you’re in good hands.” She looked at me with comforting eyes before continuing on to where she had been headed.

Don’t worry?

Ha! If only it were that easy. How could she tell someone to not worry in this situation? As my kids would say, it sucked. Looking around the waiting room, there were a lot of people sat in their gowns, all like me, waiting to be taken down for some kind of treatment. I wasn’t sure if we were all in the same boat, but the worried looks on their faces told a thousand stories.

That was the problem with society, no one knew or cared what someone else was going through. Everyone had their own story to tell, a story of happiness, love, laughter, fear, horror, regret, or loss, but few people took the time to contemplate that. We judge easy, and harshly.

The snotty woman in the shop who was rude while serving you. What had happened to her that morning to make her like that?

The screaming child in his pram throwing a tantrum. Does he have other issues rather than just being a brat?

The man who knocked into you on the tube while running past without saying sorry.
Is he rushing to something important with a lot on his mind?

We didn’t care, and that was the problem. Of course, these people could be moody, bratty, or rude, but there was no way to know unless we took the time out of our day to find out. As I looked around at the worried faces of strangers, thoughts ran through my mind. Thoughts about being a better person. If these tests come back and they told me that I was going to live another fifty years, I promised to be a better person. To never judge another soul without knowing their pain first. I promised to never take anything for granted, to be thankful for everything I have.

“Mrs Vale, are you ready” Terri asked, and I wanted to tell her no.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” As we made our way through the long, cold corridors, I prayed that everything would be okay. I had read that these abnormalities could be caused by a virus or even by menopause. I would prefer that over the other option. We entered the room, and a woman sat on a stool next to a screen with some strange looking instruments and what looks like a sex toy on a wire. My eyes opened wide at the thought of having it shoved up me.

“Good morning, Mrs Vale.”

What’s so good about this morning?

“I’m Doctor Rasheed, and I’ll be performing your exam today.”

“Hi,” I whispered in the smallest voice I could find.

“Don’t worry. Everything will be fine,” she said, patting my shoulder.

There’s the “don’t worry” again.

Did they train these doctors and nurses to say these words over and over? People will still worry even if they tell them not to.

“Do you have any questions before we begin?”

I had a million, but I bit my tongue and shook my head.

“Right. Well I will try to make this as fast and as painless as possible. If you would have a seat on the table and lie back with your knees bent and your feet flat, we can begin.” I sat on the bed, swinging my legs around so that I could lay flat as instructed. My heart rate slowed as I held my breath, waiting for her to perform her exam.

“Now, this might feel a little bit uncomfortable,” she said. I closed my eyes and let my mind take me somewhere else, somewhere safe.

That evening was harder than I imagined it would be. I was so exhausted and sore that I told Eli I was having severe period pains. Luckily, he fed the kids while I went to bed to rest. Two days later, the gynaecologist called me and I found myself, once again, in a waiting room.

My feet tapped continuously on the floor, my hands on my knees trying to steady them. Taking deep breaths, I waited for them to call my name and tell me my fate.

“Mrs Vale,” the receptionist called as she opened the door.

My hands shook as I picked up my bag and followed her back to the office.

“Hello, Mrs Vale. How are you today?” Doctor Rasheed asked.

“I’m well, thank you.”

“Is your husband not with you?” She looked concerned.

“Um, he had to go to work. He’s a professor and can’t get the time off.” I felt like I had to over explain it to keep from her knowing I was lying. I worried that maybe she thought Elias didn’t care about me. That hurt me more.

“Okay. Now, we took a small tissue sample from your cervix as well as several from inside your uterus.” She took a deep breath, and I held mine, waiting. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you have stage one B cancer of the cervix.” My mind went numb and everything blurred. Noises, images, smells, touches, everything. My senses evaporated within seconds of hearing those few little words. My body trembled, and a loud sob escaped my lips. What I thought was a cold hand pressed against my shoulder and someone passed me a tissue, but I didn’t see anyone.

“Did you hear me, Mrs Vale? Mrs Vale, can you hear me?” Her voice pulsated through my ears, pounding against my eardrums and I vaguely felt a hand rub firmly up and down my back.

“Take deep breaths,” the woman’s soft voice said. “Here, take a small sip of water.” I tried to breathe deeply, but it caught in my chest. She handed me the glass of water, and I took small sips, almost choking on each one. My throat was closing, swelling up tightly, I couldn’t breathe.

“I-I’m sor-sorry.” I said between breaths. “I have . . . I have to leave.” I grabbed my bag and stood. I was disoriented, not knowing which way was up anymore.

“Mrs Vale, please take a seat. I need to tell you about your options. Please, it’s not as bad . . .” It was too late; I was out of the door before they could stop me.

The fresh air hit me like a sucker punch to the chest. Taking in deep gasps, I made my way to my car. Once inside, I gripped hold of the steering wheel as tight as I could. My mind was spinning. I thought I’d already prepared myself for what was to come, but obviously I hadn’t prepared myself well enough.

How I made it home, I didn’t know. I drove in a haze, turning and stopping as if someone else was controlling my body. Going through the motions was easier than thinking about what I had been told. Left. Right. Right. Stop. Go. Park. Turn off the car. Lock the door . . .

I went straight to bed and curled up under the covers. Hiding from the world felt like the only thing I wanted to do right then.

Disappearing and never coming back.

I didn’t want to go through the pain of cancer, I didn’t want my family to go through the pain of cancer. I didn’t want them having to make the difficult choices that I knew were coming. They shouldn’t have to do that.

“Hey, babe. What’s wrong?” Eli’s soft voice whispered into my ear, his lips pressing gently against my neck sending tingles down my spine. My eyelids fluttered open to see his beautiful face, those big brown eyes that I loved so much. I would miss those. The way he looked at me as if I were the only woman in the room. The softness in his eyes when he knew I was hurting, and the way he could speak to me without words. Those eyes have seen way too much sadness for one person, and I didn’t ever want to see sadness in them again.