Dear Adam (25 page)

“
Yes. It’s important to me
to have control over myself and my life. Not others.”

“
Tell me how you felt when
you weren’t in control anymore.”

“
Helpless. Trapped. Angry,”
she replied without hesitation.

“
Darling, we have to go a
dark place once more.”

She took another deep breath to calm her fast
beating heart. She couldn’t keep anything from Adam like she could
from everybody else. He was thousands of miles away yet he saw her
as clearly as if he were in the same room.

“
I know.”

“
Your ex-husband,” he said
with undisguised contempt, “He didn’t just hit you, did
he?”

“
Yes,” she whispered her
voice small and tight.

“
He would force you to have
sex with him, whether you wanted to or not. He would rape
you.”

Eden never called it rape. He was her husband
after all. She would just stop resisting after awhile and close her
eyes. Pretend she was somewhere else. It went much quicker that way
and he would be asleep after a few minutes. There were only a few
times in the beginning when she tried to run away from him but he
would eventually corner her. He was much bigger, stronger than she
was. There was never any doubt he would get his way.

“
Please, Adam,” she begged,
“I can’t.”

“
Darling, we’re almost
done, I promise. Just a little bit more. Did you ever tell
anyone?”

“
No, not about this. I was
already ashamed about everything else. I really didn’t want this to
come up. It was a long time ago.”

“
I know you don’t. But it
just did. And it will keep coming up unless we deal with
it.”

“
Why? Are you afraid I
won’t want to have sex with you? Not to be crass, but I did have
sex with Troy, so your fear is unfounded.”

“
You’re raw so I won’t tell
you how it affects me when you talk about sex with another man
while we’re having a very serious talk.”

“
I’m sorry.”

“
But now that you bring it
up – I’m guessing he wanted it much more than you did. That you had
sex out of a sense of obligation.”

“
I think of sex as an
important part of a relationship.”

“
Important but not the most
enjoyable part?”

“
I guess.”

“
Your enthusiasm speaks
volumes.” He made a sound of disgust. “There are few people I hate
in this world. Your ex-husband is on a very short list.”

“
He didn’t ruin me. I’m
fine.”

“
You’re a strong woman,
Eden, of that I have no doubt. Your ex-boyfriend was a fool not
worthy of you. Your ex-husband was an animal. Worse than an animal,
in fact. But I’m different from them. I will never force you to do
anything you don’t want to do. I will never lay a hand on you. I’m
going to do everything in my power to make sure that you always
feel safe and strong and happy. You don’t believe that yet. But you
will someday, if you’ll allow me to prove it to you. I promise
you.”

Eden was quiet. It was easy to get swept up
in Adam’s promises. She wanted to believe him so badly. But no man
had ever made her feel that way. Sex wasn’t just an intimate act.
It was always about control and dominion over her body.

“
Can we try
something?”

“
What?” she asked with a
touch of suspicion.

“
You fulfilled one of my
fantasies today. Is there any way I can help fulfill one of
yours?”

“
One of mine?”

“
Yes. No one’s ever asked
you, have they?”

Eden thought about this for a moment.

“
No,” she admitted. “No one
ever has. They always tell me what they want. What they’d like to
do to me.”

“
What they want to do to
you … like tie you up so they can have their way with
you?”

“
Yes.”

“
And how did that make you
feel?”

“
Nauseated. The thought
makes me ill.”

“
For good reason. Only
weak, insecure men find pleasure in restraining a woman during
sex.”

“
Have you ever tied up a
woman?”

“
Never.” The word was sharp
with vehemence.

“
Have you ever had a woman
tie you up?”

“
A woman once tried to. I
was 17. She was 22. We went back to her place and she said she
wanted to tie me to the bedposts and drip candle wax all over me. I
got the hell out of there.”

He paused.

“
That’s it isn’t it? Your
fantasy.”

Eden said nothing.

“
Darling. Don’t hold back.”
Adam sounded excited. “I want us to explore this.”

“
But you just said only
someone weak and insecure would want to restrain a lover during
sex.”

“
I’m neither weak nor
insecure.”

“
That’s true enough,” Eden
muttered.

“
Yet, I want you to do
it.”

“
You want me to tie you
up?” she asked, incredulous.

“
I want to submit myself to
you. Completely.”

“
Why?” She was
dumbfounded.

“
We’d both be doing
something we’ve never done before. I’ve never been that vulnerable
with a woman. And you’ve never had a man surrender himself to you.
Doesn’t it tempt you – the thought of this six-foot-one man, so big
and strong, under your control in every way? Helpless and at your
mercy?”

Eden didn’t trust herself to reply. She was
beginning to get hot.

“
The more I think about it,
the more I want us to do this.” She had never heard Adam so
thrilled before. “And I can tell you want it too. You’re just
afraid you’ll scare me away if you tell me how much you want
it.”

“
You know my list of 36
things to do?” she whispered, even though she was the only one
home.

“
Yes.”

“
Well, I had another list.
A secret one. Things I really wanted to do but didn’t think I
could. Number one was having a healthy and happy
relationship.”

“
You can check that one
off.”

“
Number three was
bondage.”

“
What was number
two?”

“
I’ll tell you
someday.”

“
Right. I’ll ask you about
it again, you know that.”

“
I know.”

“
In the meanwhile, we can
occupy ourselves with numbers one and three. Now,” he said with
relish. “Tell me what you want to do to me.”

Subject: Monday

------------------------

From: Eden E

Date: Sun, Aug 19, at 11:54 PM

To: Adam -

My dear Adam

What an amazing day this has been. Tonight I
went to an astronomy lecture on top of a mountain. I saw stars
being born - they're called nebulae. The night sky was brilliant
from the mountaintop - never seen it like that before. I wish you
had been with me. I think you would have been at home there - in
the dark, at the edge of a forest, on top of the world.

I felt lit up. I half-expected to glow in
the dark. I still can't believe what we talked about this weekend.
What we explored together. How you made me feel. I'm stunned. No
one has ever made me feel the way you do.

Was it just a twisted, beautiful dream I
had? Is it all true?

I'll write to you when I wake.

----------

From: Adam -

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 4:21 AM

To: Eden E

Good morning, darling

I wish I had been with you. It sounds like
you enjoyed it. I hope you realize that although I wanted us to
continue our fantasy, I never want to keep you from doing anything
on your list, or being out in the world. Your independence is
important to me.

If it was a dream, then I dreamt it with
you. It is all true. I want to surrender complete control to
you.

I want you more than I’ve ever wanted any
woman.

I will do what I promised. I’ll build us a
very special room. We’ll have our bed against a wall where you can
shackle me. And you will have the only key to the locks. My body is
yours to do with as you please.

When you described that scenario last night,
squeezing my balls harder and harder until I remained still for
you, I was amazed. It actually sounded nice. A month ago it would
have annoyed me, the idea of a woman doing that to me.

I can't wait to hear you, I miss you.

X

----------

From: Eden E

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 8:59 AM

To: Adam -

Good morning, darling!

It didn't scare you? Have you ever
experimented with such a scenario?

----------

From: Adam -

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:01 AM

To: Eden E

Nooo. Never.

All those things you described and said you
wanted to do with/to me are completely new to me. It didn't scare
me. I think it turned you on?

----------

From: Eden E

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:03 AM

To: Adam -

Yes. I've never had such a talk with a man.
It's always been ... the desire to do things to me.

----------

From: Adam -

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:10 AM

To: Eden E

I did research on that contraption we talked
about while I was waiting for you to wake up. Apparently there are
two kinds. One that makes an attempt at an erection painful (the
inside is ribbed). The other just prevents it without pain.

I can imagine you trapping me physically a
lot and doing many curious things to my balls, my “cannoli,”
etc.

----------

From: Eden E

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:13 AM

To: Adam -

You wouldn't mind wearing such a thing? When
would you wear it? When you weren't with me? How does the one
that's painless work exactly?

What curious things? Painful things?

----------

From: Adam -

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:15 AM

To: Eden E

I think it's just basically a metal ring
with some kind of sponge on the inside. I thought it'd be permanent
and you'd take it off when I was allowed to have an erection?

With you, it would be daunting, yet
strangely it seems to make sense.

----------

From: Eden E

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:15 AM

To: Adam -

How often do you usually get an
erection?

----------

From: Adam -

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:15 AM

To: Eden E

A lot in bed. Sometimes during the day.
Often when we're talking.

I think you will experiment with me a lot. I
don't know what curious things. Your other idea of restraining me
while you experimented with my cannoli. Hot peppers, feathers. You
sounded so excited about it.

I imagine you seeing what kind of pain I can
handle without being upset with you, and then that would be the
level, so to speak.

And remember, I have a high tolerance for
pain, much more than other people. So don’t feel shy or
hesitant.

----------

From: Eden E

Date: Mon, Aug 20, at 9:20 AM

To: Adam -

So if you start getting one, that ring with
the sponge would prohibit it getting larger and your thingy would
just deflate? Wouldn't it strain against the spongy wall?

----------

From: Adam -