Days Like This (11 page)

Graham won. We were in the
car laughing about the night, “River” by Joni Mitchell (my pick) playing in the
background around us. I had fun, and I’d forgotten how much fun Graham could be;
he always knew how to make me smile. Somehow all of that got lost in my head. I
didn’t want the night to end, but he pulled up in the spot between our houses.

We sat in his
truck, neither of us moving at first. I didn’t know why he was frozen, but I
knew why I was. This had been a great night, and now what? How did we go back
to pretending? Or had we been pretending all night? No, we hadn’t. I hadn’t.
That was too natural to be fake. I didn’t like fake us; I liked the real thing.

I unbuckled my
seatbelt. Someone should move, and even though I didn’t want to, it had to be
me. He’d made himself very clear, and I wondered if that had changed now. But I
couldn’t ask; it wasn’t fair.

“I had fun,” I
offered.

Graham’s smile
faded when he looked at me. I wondered what he was thinking. He had to be thinking
something. Had I upset him again somehow?

“Thank you,” I
said.

He cleared his
throat. “Of course. Let me walk you home.”

It was an old
joke between us, since my home was maybe thirty feet from his. He used to come
around and open my door. We’d held hands and lingered outside the truck,
lingered on the sidewalk, lingered on the porch. We’d always lingered, always
tried to hold on for another hour, or minute, or heartbeat.

He didn’t open
my door today. He waited outside the truck for me, and we walked in silence
toward my house. There wasn’t much room between us, and if I moved a little
closer we’d be touching, but I didn’t. It was torture, actually, because
despite my senses my hands wanted to be in his. I didn’t know where to put my
hands or how to handle his silence or block out the memories.

Would walking
so close to him and not touching him ever feel normal? Laughing all night and
not kissing him? What was I going to do about my feelings for him? I couldn’t
ruin this new life of his by trying to force myself into it. I wouldn’t be able
to live with myself knowing I was responsible for his heartbreak again. I had
to get it together.

“I’m glad we
did this,” he said. I looked up at him. It was painful because I could see that
he meant it. And because I was glad too, even though I hated myself for wanting
it. “I like being your friend. It’s where we started.”

Next to me
// next to you // I want to be next to you // hold my hand // linger there //
you and me are everywhere

I nodded. “I
like it too, Graham.”

We climbed the
five steps to my front porch. “Well—” I start.

 “On Friday a
bunch of the old gang is having dinner—Lila, Eric, McCoy—because Hannah’s in
town for the weekend. You should come.”

In my pocket,
“It Ain’t Me Babe”—Johnny and June Carter Cash version—started playing. I
didn’t even remember turning on the ringer. It was June, that was her ringtone.
I ignored it.

“They won’t
mind if I come?” I asked. Aside from one email from Lila, I hadn’t heard from
any of them since I left. That email wasn’t on the best of terms—she sent it right
after Graham came to school, and I rejected him. I knew I’d lost them all in
the break-up, and I hadn’t blamed them.

Graham shook
his head. “No, it will be nice. Low key. We’re going to dinner at Lou’s.”

“Okay,” I
said.

He smiled.
“Friday.”

“Friday,” I
said. With a nod, Graham crossed the yard and when he was gone, I exhaled and
went inside.

MOM WAS RUNNING late the next
day, so I had to park the car instead of waiting in the pick-up zone. Since I
parked the car, I had to go upstairs to get her from Dr. Lambert’s office so I
could get my parking validated. Small town doctor offices shouldn’t have
validated parking.

Dr. Lambert
was standing in the lobby of her office with Mom. “Cassie, so good to see you,”
she said.

“You, too Dr.
Lambert.” I held out the ticket. “Could you?”

With a smile,
she took it from my hand and passed it on to her receptionist. “I’ve been
trying to get you in for a session for a month now, Cassie. When can you come?
You’re still interested in me helping your mother, yes?”

I should’ve
known this was a set up. Mom never made me wait. “Sure.”

“Let’s say
Monday?”

I nodded, and
Dr. Lambert handed me the ticket. “Great. I’ll see you at ten.”

I looked over
at Mom, but she shrugged. “Ten it is.”

On the way to
the car, Mom asked me about last night. “You didn’t say anything this morning.”

“It was good.”

“Good?”

I nodded. I
didn’t know what else to call it. We went. We’d had fun. We hadn’t fought. It had
almost been normal.

Almost
normal // you and me // that’s the most we’ll ever be // some sort of friends //
you and me // that’s the way the story ends

Mom tapped the
roof of the car while I dug out the keys. “Good isn’t the answer I expected.”

“What did you
expect?”

Mom’s forehead
scrunched with lines. Sometimes, I forgot that she was getting older. In my
head she would always be the carefree, young, enthusiastic Mom who taught me
about music. I wasn’t even sure anymore which pieces of that person were real
and which ones were the disease. “Cassie, when you were teenagers, the two of
you couldn’t even be in a room together without making me feel like I was
intruding. Anyone could look at you and know you were in love. That was real,
too, more real than anything I’ve had, and you’re telling me that you spent a
night out with Graham and it was just ‘good’?”

I shook my
head and unlocked the car door. “He has a girlfriend, Mom. What else is it
supposed to be?”

“You came back
here for him.”

I scoffed. “I
came back because you needed me.” I yanked the door open. I hated that she knew
the part of me that I didn’t like to admit out loud.

“I know you,
Cassie. You’re still in love with him. Why did you even leave?”

I slammed my
car door shut and turned the key. “I don’t want to talk about this with you.
Graham doesn’t want me. Last night was fun, two long-time friends going
bowling. It was hardly a date or anything romantic. He doesn’t feel that way.
So can we stop now? Please?”

She raised her
hands in defeat and I backed out of the parking lot.

“HEY BABE,” I said, answering
Molly’s call.

“You aren’t at
dinner yet, are you?”

“About to walk
in,” I said. I scanned the parking lot at Clyde’s for Cass. She was meeting me
here and even though I said it was okay, I’d had two days to think about it and
our friends didn’t know Cass was coming. I hoped that wasn’t a stupid decision.

“I’ll be
quick. Aunt Kat wants you to come to brunch tomorrow at noon. Can you do it?”

Cass waved at
me from the car as she pulled in. My heart raced at the sight of her. This was
fire, I knew that, but we could be friends. We were mature.

“I can do
that,” I said.

“Great,” Molly
said. Cass’s car door closed, and she walked toward me. It seemed like nothing
had changed in that moment. She was walking toward me like she’d never walked
away from me. Back when we were hopeful and naïve and in love. Had that only
been a year ago? It felt like yesterday and a lifetime.

“Awesome. I’ll
talk to you later, okay?” I said. I ended the call before she could respond.
I’d probably hear about that later.

“Hey,” Cass
said.

She looked
nice. Cass had on this jean jacket over her green dress that brought out the
green in her eyes. Her hair was flat and straight, and it was getting longer,
so it was easy to imagine it the way it used to be. The way I used to run my
hands through it when I kissed her, or wipe it out of her face so I could see
her better when she was under me.

 “You okay?”
she asked.

Play it
cool.
I shrugged. “Just
hungry,” I said. I opened the door and followed her in, letting my hand slide
to her lower back. She glanced back at me, but didn’t say anything.

Inside,
Clyde’s wasn’t that busy yet. It didn’t really get crazy until later when Lou
came on the clock. I heard McCoy before I saw any of them. He had one of those
voices that carried in the crowd. It was probably from all his years as
football quarterback. Cass pressed in next to me, and I could tell she was
nervous. I really hadn’t thought this through.

McCoy saw me
first, and my name echoed through the bar. “Tucker!”

I wasn’t sure
how he became part of our group. I didn’t really like the guy—never had.
Especially with the way he’d always looked at Cass back before we were together.
After we started dating, McCoy hooked up with Lila. A lot. So, he always stayed
around. McCoy, Hannah and I graduated, the rest of the group stayed in school.
McCoy went to Georgia to play ball; Hannah went to Ithaca; I stayed here for
Cass. That was all there was, really.

I shook
McCoy’s hand. Hannah and Eric smiled, like they were happy to see me. Lila
bounced into my arms for a hug. Everyone sort of froze after that, and they all
zeroed in on Cassie. Cass, who stood awkwardly behind me and bit the side of
her cheek.
Say something,
Tucker.

“Harlen?” McCoy
asked.

“Hey, Jonas.”

Everyone was a
statue, all eyes on her. Lila looked from Cass to me, and I knew what she
wondered. I shook my head very slightly, and Lila turned away. Great start.

“Damn, you
look good,” McCoy said.

Everyone
laughed after that, but my stomach never settled. The tension was broken, even
if it was only for now. We all sat at the table, and I told myself this was
good. Cass was here. If she could patch it up with me, then she could reconnect
with her old friends. She could get whatever closure she needed, and we could
all move on.

 “What are you
doing this summer?” Lila asked Hannah.

Hannah flipped
her hair and smiled. “Puerto Rico! I leave next week. You?”

“Mom wants us
to go visit Grandma so I’m sure I’ll be stuck in Florida most of the summer
watching old people in the retirement home try to skinny dip,” Lila said.

Eric would
stay at school for the second half of the summer and take more classes. And he
seemed excited, but he always loved school.

I stole
sideways glances at Cass while McCoy talked about his plans of football and
girls. Something inside me was glowing when she met my gaze. I was fucking
crazy. I knew that much, but watching her try made me feel like trying. What I
was trying to do though was another question.

Hannah cleared
her throat and shook her head. Lila perked up in her seat as she said Cassie’s
name. “Why are you home? Are you here all summer?” she asked.

Cass bit the
side of her jaw. None of them ever knew about her mom. She’d kept that secret
closely guarded. “I’m here for my mom. I don’t really have a plan yet beyond
this.”

“You mean for
the summer?” Eric asked.

Cass shrugged.
“I mean, in general.”

“You aren’t
going back to school?” Lila asked.

She twirled
the straw in her drink. Her eyes locked on mine. Cass was nervous, I could see
it, but she was trying to keep it together. “I don’t know yet. It depends.”

“On what? I
thought you loved school. It was the whole reason you left us all without a word
and then disappeared.” Cass looked at Lila and I kicked Lila under the table.

She kicked me
back. “No offense or anything, but I’m confused about why you wouldn’t go back
to a place that you obviously adored. There’s nothing for you here anymore.”

Cass didn’t
respond, but I could see on her face that she was upset. I wished I didn’t know
how to read her, that I didn’t know what Lila was doing—or why. Lila looked at
me with her eyebrow raised.

“Have you
heard back from Rice yet?” McCoy asked me. I may not have liked him, but he’d saved
me from saying something to Lila I didn’t mean.

“Yeah, what’s
going on with that? When are you escaping the clutches of this place?” Hannah
asked.

The four of
them reverted focus to me, and waited for a response. “I haven’t heard yet, but
school starts in August.”

“You’ll hear
from them and then you’ll never have to think about all the trash you left
behind,” Lila said, sending me the biggest smile in the world.

They changed the
subject after that. Started talking about football and whether the Cowboys
would beat the Panthers again. Throughout dinner Hannah kept shooting me knife
eyes. She didn’t approve. Not that there was anything to approve.

“Excuse me,” Cassie
said suddenly. She threw her napkin down on her plate and headed toward the
restroom. I watched her, trying to figure out if she was okay, but she was too
quick. This night was not going as planned.

Lila smacked
me on the arm.

“What the hell
are you doing?” she asked.

I took a
drink. Everyone at the table was staring at me. “What?” I asked. But I knew
what.

“How could you
bring her here?” Lila asked.

“Are you
screwing her again?” McCoy asked.

“What happened
to Molly?” Hannah asked.

“I think he’s
lost his mind,” Eric said.

The questions
came fast, and I stared at all my friends. “It’s not like that. She’s just Cassie.”

“Exactly! Do
y’all remember what happened to Graham after Cassie chose school over him?
Because I do,” Lila said. “I believe it was something like drink, break a
fence, not shower, wreck a car, drink some more, burn things, tear down a
fence, sleep.” She counted it all on her fingers.

“You forgot
mope,” Eric added.

“And swear
hatred of her forever,” Hannah added.

I crossed my arms.
“Nothing’s going on with us. She’s here because of her mom—that’s all.”

“That’s never
all. Not with you and not with her,” Lila said.

“I’m with
Molly,” I said. I had to convince them that nothing was happening between us.
If they didn’t believe me, no one would. It was nothing.
Nothing
.

“I saw how you
looked at her. That’s not the face of a man with another girl,” McCoy said. He
didn’t have room to talk, anyway. He’d never kept a girl longer than a week.

“She’s my
friend,” I said.

“But you have
feelings for her,” Eric said.

“No.” I
slumped into the booth. This rapid fire was exhausting.

“You’re
letting her in again. She’s going to ruin everything,” Lila said.

“She broke
your heart,” Hannah said.

Hannah said it
like she was there when I woke up without Cassie. No one would ever understand
that feeling. I’d thought something had happened, and I’d waited for a few
hours, but I knew something was wrong. I felt it. Then her mom told me she’d
left to go to school in Indiana, and my future crashed and burned.

I looked at
Lila. “I know that. Trust me, I remember it.”

“Are you
really stupid enough to let her do that again?” Lila asked.

“She’s not
going to break my heart, Lila.”

Lila shook her
head. “You’re an idiot.”

“Can we change
the subject?” I asked.

“Sure,” Hannah
said, leaning in. “Y’all remember that time when Graham went all the way to
Indiana to find the girl who left him in the middle of the night, only to come
back with a lame-ass story and a ring he couldn’t return so he sold it for half
the price on Craigslist?”

I ran a hand
down my neck. I hated this. I wasn’t doing anything wrong—but they were right.
All of that had happened. I’d driven all the way to Butler
to watch her take off my ring. It was one
of those dramatic slow-mo moments in those movies. I’d used to think those were
stupid, but that’s how I’d seen it. That’s how it felt. It was happening and I
had no control over it. I couldn’t pause. I couldn’t skip ahead.
I’d told her then that if I left I wouldn’t
go back there. I wouldn’t wait for her. If I left, it was for good, and I’d meant
it. And she gave me back the ring, so I’d left.

“I remember,”
Eric said. “It took him months to get it together. I’d hate to see that happen
again.”

McCoy cleared
his throat, but Lila spoke again before he could. “How can you forgive her for
that? What she did was horrible.”

“Open your
eyes before she does it again,” Hannah said.

McCoy cleared
his throat louder. We all looked up this time, and Cassie was standing at the
end of the table. She’d heard us.

“I have to
go,” she said. How much had she heard? “It was good to see y’all.”

Before anyone
could respond, she grabbed her purse from the seat next to McCoy and bolted out
the door. I watched her go, and my immediate thought was that I should go after
her. I should make sure she was okay.

“Don’t do it,”
Eric said. “This time, don’t do it.”

He meant don’t
go after her this time. Don’t follow her.

“You don’t owe
her anything. Do you even know why she left?” Lila asked.

“No,” I said.
I drummed my fingers on the table. Everyone was in agreement and I was a
dumbass. They were right. I wasn’t thinking.            

It was quiet
for a minute, and then McCoy ordered us all another round from Lou, and this
time, I stayed.