Daybreak (16 page)

“You’re talking as if it’s all past tense. It’s not too late.”

Nate snorted. “You were there today, right? You heard my mother? Nothing will ever be the same again at home. Just wait until Sam finds out. He’s going to totally freak, and no matter what my dad might think, it’s my mother who controls the family.”

Lucas couldn’t argue with that. Nate joined him on the futon, their legs touching. Nate leaned his head back. “I don’t want to talk about my family anymore.”

“Okay.” Lucas tried to push aside his feelings of guilt. “What do you want to talk about?”

Nate’s hand found Lucas’s thigh, his fingers dancing on the denim. “How about the fact that we haven’t had makeup sex yet?”

A bolt of desire charged the air. Lucas leaned into him, brushing their lips together. “That really is wrong.”

“Think you’re up for it?”

“Keep touching my thigh like that and I will be momentarily.”

Nate giggled softly. “You know what I meant.”

“I know. Yeah, I think if we go slow, okay?”

Nodding, Nate kissed him more deeply, sucking Lucas’s tongue into his mouth. They kissed until they were both hard and panting, and Nate carefully pulled Lucas to his feet, walking him the few steps around the corner to the bed.

As Lucas stretched back on the mattress, another stab of guilt gnawed at his gut. What would happen if Nate found out Lucas had known the truth about Nate’s father? Would it wedge another sudden wall between them? Nate had forgiven him for cheating; Lucas wasn’t sure this lie would ever be forgiven or forgotten.

Kneeling over Lucas, Nate stripped off his shirt, and Lucas was filled with lust. Reaching up, he swept his hands across Nate’s firm chest. Maybe his confession could wait…

Leaning down, Nate kissed him. “I love you. I love you so much.”

And the guilt just keeps on building
, Lucas thought. Tearing himself away from Nate’s mouth, Lucas took a deep breath. Before he could change his mind, he got the words out. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

A frown creased Nate’s smooth face. “Can’t it wait?”

“No. It can’t. Nate, I want to start again with nothing between us. I need to tell you this.”

Sitting back on his heels, Nate shifted over and leaned against the wall. “Okay.”

Lucas pushed himself up so he was sitting too. Another deep breath filled his lungs and he exhaled slowly. “Your father came to see me last month.”

Nate watched him warily. “Okay.”

“He said he was worried about you, and that you weren’t happy, and that…he knew. He knew about us. He knew you’re gay.”

Nate was on his feet by the end of the bed in an instant. “What? He said that?”

Lucas nodded. “He told me not to give up on you. He said he wanted you to be happy.”

For a few moments there was only silence as Nate took this in. Then, “How could you not tell me?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do! You weren’t even talking to me, and I didn’t want to upset you any more than I already had.”

Nate’s jaw tightened. “You should have told me. If not then, when we got back together.”

“I know. I wanted to! It was just so amazing the last couple of days being with you again, and I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“I need to get some air.” Nate shoved his arms into his shirt and yanked it down over his head.

“Wait.
Please
.”

In the living room, Nate zipped his jacket and reached for his keys. He was gone before Lucas could ask if he was coming back.

Chapter Fourteen

Stirring, Lucas opened his eyes, blinking against the harsh light. He realized he must have finally fallen asleep waiting for Nate to return. The cheap Ikea lamp was still on in the living room, and Lucas wasn’t sure what had woken him. A moment later darkness fell.

Nate was back.

Lucas pushed himself up onto his hand. He could see Nate’s shadowy figure moving in the living room. Then Nate was at the end of the bed, ducking into the bathroom. The door closed, and Lucas waited. At least Nate had returned. That was surely a good sign.

When the door opened, Nate stepped out and stopped at the end of the bed. Lucas’s eyes had become accustomed to the dark, and the streetlights illuminated the apartment better than he usually would have liked. “Hey,” Lucas finally said.

“Hey.” In a few quick motions, Nate shed his shirt and pants. In his boxers, he moved over to his usual side of the bed. He looked at Lucas. “You’re still dressed.”

“Yeah, I guess I fell asleep.”

Silence stretched out for a few beats. Then Nate reached over and traced Lucas’s cheekbone with his fingertip. “I’m sorry I left. I know I can be impossible sometimes.”

Lucas still held his breath. “So, you’re back? For good?”

Brushing their lips together, Nate smiled. “For good.”

Lucas exhaled in a rush, relief flooding him. “I love you, Nate.”

“Me too.” They kissed again, soft small kisses of affection. Nate pulled back. “Let’s just make a pact to be honest with each other. We’ve both made mistakes. Let’s wipe the slate clean.”

“Deal.” Lucas kissed him and fell back on the bed, pulling Nate with him and ignoring the twinge in his ribs. With Nate’s help, Lucas took his clothes off, and Nate tossed his boxers on the pile before kicking it off the bed unceremoniously.

“God, I want you,” Nate murmured as their bodies came together, hands lightly exploring, fingers skimming over skin. “But I don’t want to hurt you.”

Between kisses, Lucas got out, “It’s okay. I don’t care.”

Pulling back, Nate looked at him for a long moment before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I do.” With tender hands, he urged Lucas onto his side. Spooning up behind him, Nate kissed and sucked on Lucas’s neck, his hand reaching over to caress Lucas’s nipples.

When Nate’s slick fingers entered him, Lucas moaned and pushed back onto them. Nate teased and opened him for what felt like an eternity before reaching for the condom. As Nate pushed inside him, a sensation of bliss overcame Lucas. Nate slowly rocked his hips forward, and Lucas had never felt so connected to another person.

As they made love, Nate whispered endearments and stroked Lucas’s chest. Lucas covered Nate’s hand with his own, holding it tightly as the fire stoking in his belly burned brightly and tightened his balls. “I love you, Nate. I love you.” Lucas groaned as he came, pleasure curling his toes and robbing him of breath.

As he returned to earth, Nate continued moving inside him. Lucas squeezed down and felt Nate’s gasp on the back of his neck as Nate shuddered with release. Still holding onto Nate’s hand, Lucas sniffled as his eyes welled and overflowed.

Holding him close, Nate leaned down and kissed the tears away.

* * * * *

Lucas woke to the smell of brewing coffee and the sounds of Nate moving around the kitchen. Smiling, he stretched his limbs tentatively, his smile growing as he felt only a few dull twinges of pain.

“What are you smiling about?” Nate appeared with a steaming mug of coffee.

“Everything. You. The fact that my body doesn’t hurt every time I move anymore.” Sitting up against the pillows, Lucas took the coffee. “Do I get breakfast in bed?”

“Indeed you do.” With a flourish, Nate went to the kitchen and returned with his coffee and a box of chocolate chip cookies. “Unfortunately, this is all I could dig up. Did you stop eating entirely while I was gone?” Nate settled himself into bed beside Lucas, mindful of the hot coffee.

Reaching for a cookie, Lucas shrugged. “I really didn’t feel like cooking. I’m amazed you didn’t find tumbleweeds in there.”

Nate laughed. “At least my mother’s fattened you up a bit.” His smile faded.

Lucas took Nate’s hand. “Are you okay?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I’m in shock I think. Part of me is so happy, you know? Being back with you. I missed you so much.”

Lucas kissed him. “I missed you too. Every day.”

“Then I think of my mother and my father and I just feel…loss. Like there’s a big hole. Does that make sense?”

“Of course it does.” Lucas thought of his father with a pang.

“I still can’t believe my dad knew.”

Lucas tensed, not sure of what to say. Finally he settled on, “He really loves you, you know.”

“I know.” Nate leaned in and kissed Lucas’s cheek. “Relax. I understand why you didn’t tell me, okay? I know I’m not the easiest person sometimes. I’m trying to change that.”

“Neither of us is perfect.”

Nate picked up a cookie and crammed it into his mouth. “But I do have perfect table manners,” he mumbled.

“You take after your brother, clearly.”

They finished off the bag of cookies, laughing and talking about nothing and everything.

* * * * *

A surge of cold water rained down, and Lucas reached down to adjust the taps, cursing under his breath. Once the water was hot again, he continued rinsing the shampoo from his hair.

He’d hoped that Nate would join him in the shower, but Nate had barely said two words all day. He wasn’t angry, just unbearably sad. In the past few days, he’d brooded on and off about his parents, but not to this extent. Lucas left the bathroom door ajar, but Nate remained out of sight in the living room, where he’d wordlessly alternated between staring out the window and pouring over stacks of photographs he’d taken at the Met.

Lucas wished there was something he could do. He saw the disgust on Mrs. Kramer’s face over and over in his mind, heard the judgment in her shrill voice. He reminded himself how much worse it was for Nate, but it didn’t make him feel any better.

The knock came as Lucas toweled off his hair. He reached for a sweater and pulled it on before stepping into his jeans. Nate remained on the couch, although he stared at the door, his glasses sliding down his nose. “You expecting someone?” he asked.

Lucas shook his head and took a few steps, peering through the peephole. He suppressed a squeak of surprise and opened the door. Sam waited, shuffling nervously from foot to foot, hands deep in his pockets.

“Hi.” Lucas stepped aside and motioned him in.

“Hey,” Sam replied. He stopped a few feet away from Nate, who stood in front of the couch.

Lucas waited for either of the brothers to speak, but they simply stared at each other in silence. Lucas cleared his throat. “How’s it going, Sam?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sam was focused solely on his brother.

“So you could call me even more names?” Nate’s tone was quiet. Defeated. “Go on, I’m sure you can’t wait to add ‘faggot’ and ‘queer’ to your repertoire. Oh, and ‘fudge packer’ -- that’s always a classic.”

Sam appeared to struggle to find the right words. “You know I don’t mean it when I call you names. It’s just brother stuff. Kidding around.”

“I never thought it was very funny.”

“Oh.” Sam appeared completely adrift in this conversation.

“Yeah, ‘oh.’ Is that what you came here to say?”

“No.”

Nate waited, eyebrows raised. “Any day now.”

Lucas thought about intervening, but stayed silent.

Sam cleared his throat. “Well, look…you’re my brother, man. I mean, it’s kind of weird that you guys are” -- he waved his hand back and forth between Nate and Lucas -- “you know. But I don’t care. Mom’s going off like it’s the end of the freakin’ world or something.”

A pained expression creased Nate’s face. “I can imagine.”

“But, dude, Dad’s fighting with her big time. I had to get outta there.” He shrugged. “I don’t get why it’s so major.”

“You don’t?” Nate regarded his brother quizzically.

“Once I found out, it was like everything made sense, you know?”

Nate watched Sam silently as if he was waiting for the punch line. “You’re really okay with it?”

Sam shrugged. “Yeah, why not?” He turned to Lucas. “Man, it must have been torture for you rooming with me and seeing me naked and stuff. But thanks for not hitting on me or anything.”

A giggle bubbled up and Lucas tried to keep a straight face. He failed miserably, and Nate even smiled.

Sam sputtered. “What? I’m just saying! Hello, I’m hot.”

Lucas nodded, trying to stifle his laughter. “It was a challenge, Sam. I appreciate your understanding.”

“Yeah, well. Mandy says gay people are just like everyone else, and I was thinking it would be hard to live with some hot chick I couldn’t bang.”

“Mandy? When did you talk to her?” Lucas was happy to hear it. She was clearly a good influence.

“This morning. I’m going over there after. I think she’s finally coming around.”

“I hope so,” Nate said. “You’re really okay with the fact that I’m gay?”

Sam smiled. “Yeah. I think I am.”

“Well…thanks. I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

Sam was taken aback. “Dude, I could never
hate
you.” He reached out and jerked Nate into a hug, slapping his back forcefully. “You’re my brother. So what if you fuck guys?”

Lucas smiled. Sam certainly had a way with words. After Nate extricated himself, Lucas saw him blink rapidly to banish the hint of tears in his eyes. Lucas distracted Sam. “We really appreciate your support. It means a lot.”

“Hey, we’re friends, right?” Sam turned to Lucas and hugged him too.

As Sam slapped his back, Lucas grinned. “Definitely friends.”

Lucas was happy to discover that he really meant it.