Davenport Harbor (Six Degrees Book 3) (32 page)

“
You need to talk about what happened and let it go, John.
”
Mike pushed, and I wanted to fucking laugh.

“
No, I don
’
t.
”

“
John.
”

“
I don't sleep,
”
I admitted, and the room went silent.

I looked at Mike.. I was all too familiar with the determined look on his face and sighed.
“
I don't sleep well. It
’
s been nineteen years today and there hasn't been two nights in a row that I
’
ve slept all the way through.
”
I slurred, lying. The two weeks I
’
d slept with Anne in my arms I
’
d slept like a baby.

“
It wasn
’
t your fault.
”

“
The hell it wasn
’
t.
”

“
She was sick, John,
”
he told me and I winced. I hated talking about her. I hated what she had done. I hated her. But I hated myself more.

“
You don't think I know that?
”
I retorted, turning my back to him, holding on to my desk.

Talking about her...them, it was too much.

“
But for the last nineteen years, every night, every fucking night unless I drink it away or fuck it away, that night replays in my head. Over and over. You have no idea what that shit is like. Over and over on fucking repeat. I remember every detail, Mike,
”
I growled at him, my vision blurry.
“
The flat stare of her eyes, the way the room was filled with the copper scent of her blood
…”
I swallowed hard, trying to keep down the bile that threatened to come up. I looked away, picking up my bourbon.
“
Her body just
…
. so fucking still. I wasn
’
t used to seeing her like that, man, you know
…
you know she never stood still.
”

“
She was sick and she was selfish,
”
he said, sitting straighter, and hearing him call her selfish ignited something in me.

“
Fuck you!
”
I hissed at him.

“
Grace was selfish,
”
he repeated, and my right eye twitched. "She was sick, selfish, and horribly spoiled. She was also beautiful, funny, and had a good heart when she wanted to share that with you. But what she did that night, how she did it
…”
Mike shook his head.
“
I was with you before she left...she was a bitch and
—”

“
Don
’
t..." I growled. I knew he was right but I couldn
’
t let him talk about her like that. It
’
d been my fault! If only.

"You couldn't save her. You couldn
’
t save her because she didn't want to be saved, John. Grace had serious problems, you know that.
”

“
Why are you here?
”
I asked him, taking a gulp of my drink. Mike
’
s face was now angry and red.
“
This isn
’
t your shit to deal with, so I
’
m asking again, why are you here?”

“
Because you
’
re my brother,
”
he answered me stubbornly, and I couldn’t help the humorless chuckle that escaped.

“
Fuck you, man.
”
I shook my head.

“
Honestly? You want to know why I
’
m here?
”

“
Yeah.
”

“
I
’
m tired of seeing those damn ghosts in your eyes, John. Ghosts you think you hide, but knowing you like I do, I know they
’
re there. I see them. Shit, everyone sees them. I know you like to give the air of not giving a shit. Live by your stupid motto of work hard, play harder, but you aren't fooling anyone but yourself if you think we believe you're happy. You
’
re forty-three years old, John. Time to move the fuck on and settle down.
”

“
What, like get married?
”
I scoffed, but even then the idea wasn
’
t so bad. Not with a certain kitten and a little princess walking towards me.

“
Why not?
”

“
What the hell for?
”
I rolled my eyes.
Fuck him
.

“
Damn it, John! Stop acting like an overgrown fraternity brother!
”

“
Is that what I'm acting like? Shit. I didn't know Mother Superior was going to be throwing out judgements. Fuck you, Mike.
”
My words now slurred. I could give a shit.
“
Two years ago, you liked how I lived, you were more than okay living like me.
”

“
Yeah. You're right, but I grew up. I
—”

“
You found her. Man, don't fucking bullshit me. Without Merry Sunshine Sabrina, you'd be next to me drinking if it wasn't for her
…”
The words flowing out of my mouth were garbage, all of them, but I was so far gone I couldn’t stop it.

“
You better be careful with what you say next, John. Sabrina loves you. Our kids adore you. You say something now, and you might not be able to take it back." He was right. I was being an asshole. My silence gave him the idea that I wanted him to keep talking.

“
Grow up, John. It's been nineteen years. Let that shit go. She was a complete bitch, you couldn't have saved her, and even before she did the shit she did, she walked out on you! You need to start to live again." His voice went low and almost soft at the end as I stared out into the darkness. My head was swimming in bourbon. Trying to refill my glass, I noted the bourbon was done and moved on to the cognac.

“
She left because of Albert,
”
I started to talk, not knowing why. I should just keep my mouth quiet.

“
Albert was just as selfish and just as fucking spoiled as she was. They were both despicable people and because of them, Alice suffered. Grace and Alice were not your fault.
”
Hearing her name made my heart hurt more than anything, and I plopped onto my chair.

“
You don
’
t know shit, Mike,
”
I tried to growl out, but it only sounded as defeated as I felt.

“
I know everything,
”
he told me, and I couldn’t seem to look away, though I had no idea why he was swaying so damn much.
“
Albert came to see you. I never told you, because the son of a bitch was nothing but a complete useless asshole and a fucking dick. You were finally getting out of that drunken haze you had lived in for over a year after Grace killed herself. Grace let you believe Alice was yours, she wasn
’
t. She took her away when Albert, Alice
’
s real sperm donor, needed an heir.
”

Hearing her name again, I could see her little face, her blond, silk, straight hair standing every which way so clearly. I wanted to reach out and touch the image, and my stomach turned.

Alice. My beautiful Alice.

“
I watched her come into this world,
”
the words slipped out of my mouth as Mike
’
s facial expression sobered.

“
I know.
”

“
I knew,
”
I told him,
“
I knew she wasn
’
t mine, but I didn
’
t care. From day fucking one I knew. Grace was unstable and she was so tiny, she needed me, Mike.
”
My heart was heavy, so fucking heavy.

“
I know.
”
His hand was on my shoulder, and my head drunkenly slumped forward.

“
She should be in Vegas celebrating her twenty-first birthday today instead of
…”

“
Say it, man. You need to say it. I can
’
t even imagine how you feel. If something were to happen to Mark, Penny, Chris or Nikki
…
.
”
A dam broke inside of me at that moment, wetness running down my face, Mike
’
s hand on my shoulder as a support.

In my drunken stupor, I sobbed in a way that I had never done in front of anyone.

“
She
’
s buried six feet under, Mike. My little girl
…”

Anne

I should have left, but I didn
’
t.

Zoey was asleep in the playpen, and I was snooping. Tears raced down my face as I heard the raw emotion and pain in his voice as he talked to Mike. I stayed behind, worried that Mike and John would fight. Silently, I heard his jagged cries until I could no longer stand it.

Hearing the pain in his voice and feeling his sobs as my own, I couldn’t help it.

I walked back into the study and took in the sight, wiping tears off my face.

Mike was standing behind a crying John, but not even Mike
’
s imposing size could stop me or scare me away in that second. I rushed to John, and without a second thought, I sat on his lap, my arms going around him, pulling his head onto my shoulder. Without hesitation, he sought and took the comfort I was offering.

It might have only been two weeks without being in his arms like this, but being like this with him, I could breathe again.
Really breathe.

His arms tightened around my waist, his face tucked into the crook of my neck. I felt a light squeeze at my hand and looked at Mike. His ice-blue eyes red, he nodded at me and walked out the study, closing the door gently behind him.

My heart literally ached for everything John had been through, for what he had lost. Slowly, he started to calm down, my fingers stroking the back of his head. His hair was thick and soft in my fingers.

“
I
’
m sorry I was an asshole.
”
His rich voice was gruff, and my chest warmed up. How could he believe he wasn
’
t a good man? Here he was, dealing with so much and he was apologizing.

“
It
’
s okay,
”
I whispered as he took a deep breath that stuttered with emotion.

“
I
’
m sorry about
—”
I placed my fingers over his lips and he quieted down.

“
I get it. It
’
s okay.
”
He had his own demons and monsters he was fighting. I could only imagine how much of the past Zoey and I had dredged up by being here with him.

The moment I took my fingers away from his lips he spoke again,
“
I thought you left.
”

“
I was worried.
”

“
You snooped?
”
He sniffed and looked up at me. Our gazes locked with one another.

“
Yeah, I snooped,
”
I admitted, my cheeks warming with slight embarrassment, and waited for regret to hit, but sitting on John
’
s lap, his arms around me, his dark eyes looking at me the way they were, I couldn’t regret anything. I didn’t think anything could be regrettable in this position with this man.

A hand went up to my face, the pad of his thumb tracing the obvious blush on my cheeks.

“
Everyone falls,
”
I told him, repeating the words he
’
d said to me when I’d first come here, and he closed his eyes and nodded.

I leaned closer to him, hoping that somehow this helped comfort him. He moved slightly, his face mere inches away, and what he did next more than surprised me, it threw me for a loop: he shared.

“
I
’
d known Grace since high school. I grew up on the East Coast. She was the daughter of my parent
’
s best friends. She was always energetic, but not in a healthy way. She was also beautiful. Tall, lithe like a ballerina, blond, and eyes that
…”
He looked away, and I was about to tell him he didn’t have to do this. I, more than anyone, could relate to how much the past could hurt, but he kept talking, and I couldn’t find it in me to stop him.

“
Her eyes were moss green. Alice had her eyes. We dated casually. When I left for college, she
’
d come visit me for a weekend whenever she needed to get away from home. Usually, it was just for her to get laid. I was nineteen, and shit if I cared if she used me for sex. As long as I got off, too, I didn
’
t give a shit,
”
he stared into space as if somehow seeing the past there.

“
After a visit, she called me, said she was pregnant and it was mine. I told her to come live with me. My grandmother had just passed away, and I had an inheritance. I wasn't able to touch my trust fund yet. She came out, we bought a small house close to school, this shitty two-bedroom bungalow that had this roof that leaked and ugly yellow bathroom tile, but it had this huge backyard with a giant tree. We were okay. Alice was born, and I took a year off to be home."

“
Grace though
…
Grace was always antsy after Alice was born. It was like she was afraid of something or frightened. Alice had blond, wispy hair and moss-green eyes and my older brother
’
s very distinctive birthmark on his leg. That first year, she kept going back east to visit her mother, or at least that’s what she would tell me. As long as it helped calm her, I didn
’
t care. We weren
’
t in love, we weren
’
t getting married. Shit, we hadn
’
t even slept together since she’d told me she was pregnant.
”