Dating For Decades (17 page)

I slide my chair out and stand up. “Well, you can’t. I’m sorry, but this is too little too late. I don’t ever want to see you again.” I flick my head over toward Sasha. “Thank you for a lovely meal.”

“Why don’t you stay and we can talk this out?” Sasha pleads.

She put a lot of work into this, and she really wanted it to work out, but this isn’t
her
estranged mother sitting at the table. It’s
mine
. “No offense, Sasha, but I can’t stand to be here another minute.”

“You’re being very rude.” My mother stands and tosses her napkin on the table, pointing her finger at me.
 

She can’t scold
me.
I’m not her child anymore. I’m a grown woman who worked her ass off to get where she is today, and I did it without anyone’s help. I did it
on my own,
and she has no right to come in here and try to win me back as a daughter. The fire is burning at my fingertips, and I’m opening and closing my fists. I want to throw something. Anything. Without a second thought, I dig my hand into the pasta, the now cold and slimy noodles slipping through my fingers, and whip a handful at her. My mother gasps as the pasta hits her on the neck and slides down her shirt.
 

“I really don’t care.” I stand up proudly and march out the door.

Chapter

Twenty

The disastrous dinner with my mom was easily managed with a bottle of wine. Now, I need to shift my focus to finishing the Pilot Project. The November deadline is only weeks away, and Keith has been working diligently to complete his portion.
 

Keith has been working all day and it’s nearing dinner time. Terrence and Lucas left early for a family event, which is fine by me. I’m trying my best to avoid Lucas altogether, or at least not be alone with him. He hasn’t mentioned our night together, but I still catch him checking me out during meetings. That’s in the past and it has to remain there.

Keith knocks before coming into my office. “Hey, Cassie.”

“Hey.” I shut my laptop so I can give him my full attention. “How’s it going?”

“Good.” He steps closer to my desk, his hands in his pockets. I’m recalling him in his tank top from yoga class. I should go again on Sunday. Maybe not his class, but if I run into him again after I can get another glance of his arms. “I want to finish today if I can.”

“I can’t believe how quickly you’ve done this. How much more time do you need?”

“About an hour and a half. Two hours, tops.”

I glance at the clock on the wall. It’s only five-thirty. I can stick around until seven or seven-thirty. No big deal. “Do you want to work some overtime and finish up today?”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” He winks as he sits across from me.

Once he finishes his portion, Lucas takes over, and I’m completely out of the project. And then I only see Keith on Thursdays at the meetings. I don’t know why I’m sad about this, but I am. But I can push this project out of my mind and put my all into the other things I’m working on. I can shine in those areas. Prove myself again. “Of course not. But if you’re so close to finishing, why not get it done?”

“If you’re cool with that, so am I.”

“It’s a deal.”
 

Keith doesn’t wait and heads down to the basement to work. I open my laptop back up, the light stir of the processor fan the only thing I hear. Most of the staff has left already so the floor is quiet. I enjoy quiet.
 

Not sure where to start, I remember reviews are coming up, so I can utilize my time best by making notes on that. This will give me a solid head start before I write up the full performance report for each worker.

Rain has started falling outside. It’s mid-October and while I’m thankful there isn’t any snow yet, I’m sick of the wind. The rain I could take or leave. The pellets pound against my window, the small one I actually have, and the wind rattles the frame. I didn’t think it was supposed to be this windy today.
 

Okay, I’m distracting myself with the weather. Time to get to work. I open the program I use for reviews. Julian is up first. What to say, what to say. He’s young, like Lucas. He can take a difficult situation and turn it around. He brings fun to the office, something I consider important. He’s also smart and ethical, like Keith. He’s knowledgeable in his area of expertise and works until he gets it done, not allowing himself to get sidetracked.

Why am I comparing Julian to Lucas and Keith? And why have those two even entered my mind while working on this review? The rain has picked up and the noise is distracting me. I open my Spotify app and start a nineties playlist. The extra noise should do me some good. As much as I
do
love the quiet, too much silence can be dangerous.
 

I finish up Julian’s review and move onto Kimmy. What to say about her? She’s a sweet girl but tends to follow. I want her to lead. Maybe I haven’t given her the opportunity to shine. Of course, shouldn’t she want to do that on her own? All my life I wanted to rise above my crappy existence and make myself someone I would admire. I’m not trying to sound cocky, I’m not. I spent my childhood and teen years pushing my face to the books, getting straight A’s, and hiding who I was all at the same time. Don’t people with perfect upbringings want the same? I think everyone should strive to be better than they are today, always improving on themselves.
 

This may be what attracts me to Lucas. He’s easy on the eyes, but he’s working toward a future. He’s doing what needs to be done to be successful. A confident man with perfect skin and an athletic body. He’s desirable in every aspect of the word.

I shiver the thoughts of his hard body off me.
That’s enough, Cassie. He’s young
.
He’s still inexperienced. He’s still learning.

But Keith isn’t. He’s
my
age. He’s seasoned. A
man
. I’ll admit I wonder what his hands would feel like wrapped around my body. A sensual embrace. A few days scruff brushing against my cheek. I shake my head and clear my throat as I refocus onto Kimmy’s review. I shouldn’t be thinking about this.
 

Yet I am. I can’t concentrate. Damn it. I blame both of them, I really do. If Lucas weren’t so gentle and romantic … and much too young. If Keith didn’t attend my meetings, if he didn’t get on my nerves so much. Maybe together they could be the perfect man. I could commit to them both. Would they approve of a three-way relationship? We can be one big couple. Together, but separate. I know a lot of men dream of two women, but what are the chances
I
could date two men?

I’m being ridiculous. I’ve lived the past twenty years stern in my position never to marry or even
be
in a long-term relationship. Why am I stuck on these two? Why are they hitting all the right buttons? Why do I care so much? The calendar keeps moving, and I keep staying the same. I can’t see there being much of a point of pursuing any sort of relationship, even a casual one since it never can go anywhere anyway. I just set myself up or somebody else for disaster.

 
I switch to the eighties station and it’s in the middle of “Don’t Wanna Fall in Love” by Jane Child. She certainly has a point. Love, no matter if it’s maternal, friendly, or sexual, can certainly cut like a knife. I’m sure I’ve hurt Lucas, ignoring him every chance I get after our night together, and he’s probably not the only one. I’m poison.

Enough is enough.
Focus, Cassie!
Onto Trevor. He’s the middle ground for the group. He doesn’t suck up too much but enough to get brownie points from me. I whip through his review, the easiest of the three to write about.
 

Keith interrupts my flow when he waltzes through my door. I’ve been working on reviews now for almost two hours. “Hey. You must be about done.”

“I am. Completely. Want to take a look?” He gestured toward the door.

“Yes!” I respond a little too eager. “Let me turn off my laptop.” I do so and follow him to the basement where he shows me his work.

“Wow. I’m thoroughly impressed. This is so …
clean
. I don’t think I’ve ever known someone to do such a neat job.”
 

He slides his hands into his jeans pockets. “I’ll take that as a job well done.”

“Definitely. Worth every penny.”

I wish all my contractors did this great of a job. I wonder if there is anything else I can hire him for. “I aim to please.”

“Okay, well, this is it. I guess you’ll bill me?”

Our eyes don’t lose connection. He’s partially smiling, but I sense pain in the part that is not. I tried so hard to keep him out of the support group, and once he maneuvered his way in, I’ll admit, he’s grown on me. Even though we’ll see each other every Thursday, we won’t see each other every day. Why is that difficult to process? Why does this seem like the end?

“Yeah. I’ll get it in the mail next week.”

We’re two teenagers with our hands in our pockets kicking the ground waiting for one to ask the other out. I haven’t felt this socially awkward since my eighth-grade dance. “So, I’ll see you at the group, I’m sure. Unless …”
 

“Unless what?”

I don’t know. What do I even want to ask him? Out on a date? To go back to my place for a fun evening? For a packet of stamps? I trail off without a response prepared. What sort of a maniac am I? “Nothing,” I whisper. “I guess I’ll see you out.”

“Sure.”
 

I turn and start to walk toward the door, saddened by the end of this relationship. Me, heavyhearted at the end of this arrangement.
Me.
This feeling, it’s perplexing and new and different. In this seemingly simple moment, I’m trying to stop myself from falling apart.

“Cassie, wait.”

I stop my exit and hope overcomes me. “What?” I turn and he’s already moved ahead and is only a step away from me.
 

“I know you were talking about Lucas during group.”

“What? No … I … ”
This
is what he stops me for? Not to confess his attraction to me and to kiss me under these fluorescent lights in the basement? He wants to discuss
Lucas
?

“Cassie … I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and you went out with him that time. Do you have feelings for him?”

“Feelings?”

“Yes. Feelings. Emotions. Do you want to be with him?”

“No.” Wow. I realize I didn’t even have to think about it. But why does he care? He hasn’t shown any interest in me outside of the group
 
or work. How does this even concern him? “I don’t. We had a good … time together. That was it.”

“What about me?”

“What about you?” This takes me by surprise.
Does
he care? Does he think about me when I’m not around? Does he close his eyes and see my face? Does he want to touch me as badly as I want to touch him?
 

“Have you ever thought about me? You know, outside of the group or here?”

Oh. My. God. Is this going where I think it is going? No. He’s playing me for a fool. He’s so stuck on how things are with Lucas. He’s digging for information. “What does it matter? You and Cheyenne seem to be getting a bit chummy together.” It makes me sick thinking about them flirting with one another, but it’s true. Those two are enjoying each other’s company in the group.

“After your tale of Lucas, I got a little jealous. I’m never jealous. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so when Cheyenne flirted with me, I flirted back.”
 

Well, it worked.
“Juvenile.”

He smiles and leans against one of the server racks. What do we do now? What do I say?

“I went to see my mom.” Why did
that
pop into my head? Here we are on a path and I totally stick a fork in the road. He doesn’t want to hear about this.

“Oh?” He straightens himself up. “How did that go?”

Now I have to go into it. Great. This is the last thing I want to talk about. “Not too well.”
 

“I’m sorry, Cassie.” He reaches out to me and rests his hand on my shoulder. It’s heavy, much like the burden I’m putting on him to discuss something so personal and non-interesting to him.

“It’s not your fault.” I shrug and his hand falls off my shoulder. “I figured this was how it was going to go.”

“I feel bad for pushing you.”

I cross my arms and hug myself. “You didn’t push me. I made the decision on my own.” I back up against a rack and slide down to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees. Keith joins me. “I’m just so mad at her.” I’m shaking my head and I can’t seem to stop. I’ll probably give myself whiplash. “I’m so mad.” I drop my head on his shoulder, my eyes popping open wide when I realize what I’ve done. But he doesn’t push me off, so I stay where I am.

 
Keith shifts forward enough to slide his arm behind me. He pulls me closer to him and I can feel his heart beating. When he reaches his hand across and touches the back of my neck with it, I remind myself to breathe.

 
“It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to have those emotions. No one can tell you what you’re feeling is wrong.”

I turn my head and our faces are inches from each other. As he looks at me, I’m holding back the tears that want to pour out of my eyes. I don’t know why I want to cry. Am I sad about my mom? Am I shocked at what he’s telling me? Am I confused at this sensation that seems to have taken over my heart?

I don’t know if he leans into me or if I reach up to him, but our lips collide at a force powerful enough to create another Big Bang. His hands are moving up and down my back, and I come to a kneeling position as we continue to kiss, forcing him to the ground. He’s on the hard floor and I’m lying on top of him, my lips moving from his lips to his neck to his cheek, back to his lips. Every moment of this is perfect. Each kiss fills my heart more, and I still want to cry. Am I … happy?

“What’s wrong?” Keith asks as I halt our session.

I climb off of him and struggle to find my balance as I stand. I wipe my mouth, eliminating any trace of him on my lips. “This isn’t a good idea.”

He sits up and forms an O with his lips, “Okay. Why not? I thought we had something between us. I thought we both wanted this.”