Dating For Decades (14 page)

I bow my head down. I don’t want kids, but I don’t need another reminder of how old I am. Trust me, I know. And in less than a year, that number enters me into another decade.

“Oh… that was insensitive of me to say.” She lifts her hand up to her mouth, then drops it to her heart. “Forgive me?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I know I’m almost forty.”

“That seems
so
far away.” She takes my hands and leads me around to the other side of the counter. I try my best not to squeeze her fingers and break them. Enough about my age.

“Tell me what brings you here. I hope you don’t mind I work while you talk.” She picks up baby’s breath and places it in the vase. “Why aren’t
you
at work?”

“My boss is pretty flexible. I have about an hour before I need to be back.” Sasha doesn’t leave the shop too much since she owns it. She has a few employees, but she runs it alone most of the time. I wish I was as successful as she is at this age. It took me until my thirties to get where she is already in her twenties.

“Well let’s get chatting then. We don’t have a ton of time!”

I grab a stool and sit down, placing my hands on my lap. I’m not sure why my heart is racing. I’m not afraid to ask her this. I want the answer and I want it now. “Have you been on Facebook lately?”

“Yes! I moved up a level in FarmVille!”

I’m assuming she wants a congratulations so I offer one. “Anyway, I haven’t been on for quite a long time. I’m teaching a class at the library showing seniors how to use it.”

“That sounds incredibly boring! You must teach them the games if they’re going to have any fun on there.”

“I’ll make note of that.” No, I won’t. Teaching them how to use the site is difficult enough before throwing in the rules of a computer game. “I went on the other day and found some interesting information.”

“Ooooh, an old boyfriend? A friend from grade school? A
crush?
” Times like these I’m so glad to be past this stage in my life. I don’t want to gossip nor do I like it. Her voice is full of excitement like I’m about to give her the juiciest piece of information. Little does she know, she
is
the detail and the reason I am here.

“No. Not even close.”

“What then? Who? Tell me!”

Sasha loves anything that may be even close to considered a scandal. I’m surprised she kept my mom a secret in the first place. Normally she would blab information like this everywhere.
Did you hear about Aunt Claire? Can you believe Cassie’s mom has come around? I wonder how Cassie is handling this.
I can hear her already as she gets her nails done giving anyone within earshot the details. “My mom.”

She stops arranging the flowers and sets her cutter back down, her beaming smile dropping into a long frown. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Apparently she
was
hiding it from me. “How long have you two been friends on there? How long have you been in contact with her?” Now my heart rate speeds up and my hands are shaking.

She shrugs. “Maybe six months.”

“Six months?” I jump off the stool and begin to pace the room. “You’ve been talking with her for half of a year and you didn’t think to tell me?”

“I didn’t know how to. I invited her to the wedding — ”

“You
what?
And what would you have done had she shown up?” Of all the nasty things to do I can’t believe she would even
think
it a good idea to put the two of us in a room together.

“Calm down, Cassie. She didn’t come because she was afraid of how you would react.”

“You think? It would
not
have been good. And what, does she get some sort of a medal for turning down the invitation? I can’t believe you even would do that to me.”

“With all due respect,
I
was the one getting married. It’s not your decision who gets invited.”

I glare at her and all I really want to do is punch her square in the face. This is my most reflective action toward anyone when they piss me off. I think it often, though I would never act on it. Violence isn’t something I condone nor take part of, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever have the urge to punch someone. “Do you even know what kind of a mother she was to me?”

“I do, and she’s changed. She’s clean now. My mom — ”

“
Your
mom is talking to her again?”

“Kind of. She’s working toward forgiveness.” She picks at the petals of a flower and holds a stem between her fingers. She refuses to look at me, instead giving all of her attention to the daylily. The bright and open petals taunt me, trying to push their happy tone onto me in this situation. A few more changes to the arrangement and Sasha finally meets my eyes. “You should, too.”

I lean against the counter and get in her face. I’m so close I can see her eye twitching. “Don’t you tell me what to do. There is no way in
hell
I’m forgiving my mother. She robbed me of my childhood. For what? For a high?” Spit collects at the corners of my mouth. I suck in the saliva and back off, sitting back down in my chair.

“She’s sick, you know.” Her voice deflates in a state of concern, offering up the information as though it’s something she’s privy to and I’m not.

“Yes, I know, and I really don’t care.” I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it’s the only emotion I’m capable of feeling right now.

“Wow. That’s harsh. She really
is
clean, and she did it for you.”

I highly doubt that. I’m sure if she had done it for me she would have contacted me months ago. Maybe invited me to
her
wedding. “I don’t buy it.”

“Well, don’t then. But she did. And she’s been scared to contact you. Why don’t you two come to my place for dinner? It’s a good common ground for you to talk.”

“I doubt that’s going to happen.”

“Come on, Cassie. You don’t have to stay long. Stay for dinner and leave if you’re uncomfortable. It would mean a lot to her.”

“Since when do I care about her feelings? She never cared about mine.”

“That’s not true.”

“You have
no
idea.”

She picks a rose from the fridge and hands it to me. “It’s very freeing to forgive. Please. Come.”

I prick my hand as I seize the rose from her. “I’ll think about it.” A small spot of blood forms on my palm, and I realize I’ve been bleeding on the inside this whole time, all these years. It was only a matter of time before it showed on the outside.

Chapter

Seventeen

“I met this woman through a mutual friend.” Keith scans the room for no one in particular. “She seemed nice. I took her to a fancy restaurant downtown. Not too fancy, like suit and tie and evening gown, but we still brought out our Sunday best. Dinner — amazing. We had appetizers, an entree, dessert, wine after. And she ate. I can’t stand when I take a woman out and she picks at her food. She wasn’t shy and cleaned her plate. I picked up the bill and suggested we take a stroll on the Riverwalk.”

I haven’t been on the Riverwalk for years. It winds along the Milwaukee River and offers a delicate breeze and delightful views of sailboats. A very romantic suggestion, and one I should keep in my back pocket. I’m trying my best to listen to Keith’s story. Sharing is such an important part of our group and while I don’t participate too often, I listen to the others and try to pick out key elements of the story we can expand upon. I’m lukewarm about Keith’s date, not sure how I feel about listening to the other side of the spectrum. I’m not used to this.
 

“We’re walking along fine, enjoying our conversation. At least I think we are.” I straighten myself in my chair and widen my eyes in an effort to retain my focus. “We’re laughing and telling jokes, sharing our thoughts on the presidential candidates, or lack of competent ones, at least. Then, as if out of nowhere, she tells me she’s not attracted to me so it won’t work and asks me to take her home.”

Welcome to a woman’s world
is the first thing I think, but then I see the confusion in his eyes and I know he’s hurt by this woman’s words. He has a little scruff on his face, and I’m not hating this look. I love his image is so rough but clearly inside he’s in pain. Okay, I don’t like to see anyone in pain, but let’s say the softer side does make him attractive.
 

“What were her exact words?” Luna asks.

“I’m not attracted to you. I don’t think this will work.”

“Wow. Just like that?” Cheyenne snaps her fingers.

“Just. Like. That.”

“Well, I think you’re hot,” she compliments him.

“Cheyenne!” I can’t believe she said that to him. I’m sure he’s embarrassed and a tad humiliated someone in the group would act like that. And someone in her thirties, at that. Grown women don’t need to be so loud about their attraction. We’re not in high school with secret crushes and giggling whenever said crush passes by. And “hot” may be an accurate term, but “handsome” is a more mature use of the word.

“It’s fine. You’re not so bad yourself.” He winks at her and for some reason, this upsets me.
 

“Does anyone else want to share?” I cut off this flirting between the two. I’m not having it in my group. No one answers, all looking at me like deer in headlights. “We can cut the meeting short if everyone is done.”

“Are
you
okay, Cassie?” Keith asks out of the blue. He reaches his hand out and places his hand on mine, and I’m warmed by his touch. “You’re a little distant tonight.”

“I am?” I pull my hand out from under his and tuck my hair behind my ears. “No. Everything is fine. Nothing to report.”

“No recent dates have gone bad … or
really
good?”

He’s talking about Lucas. I know he is.

“Oooh, who did you go out with?” Noelle crosses her legs and grips the side of her chair. She never says much during the meetings, but I guess my lack of discussion has piqued her interest.

It’s not just Lucas, either. It’s my mom. I have so much swirling in my head right now I don’t know what bothers me more. On one hand, I had a fantastic night with a man much too young for me. He’s hands-off because of his age
and
because he’s related to my boss. And I don’t
want
it to go anywhere. But, after months of being stuck in park, I’m ready to be driving again. I still have needs! On the other hand, I want to lock myself up in my house and shield myself from my mother, afraid maybe I’ll run into her on the street. The situations are two extremes, and I don’t want to deal with either of them.
 

“No one.”
 

“Cassie, it’s been awhile since you’ve shared and something is obviously bothering you. We’re here for you.” Monica soothes me with her motherly voice. She’s kind of like the school nurse, counselor, and music teacher in the group. She’ll bandage you if you’re hurt, she’ll offer an ear when needed, and she’ll never pass up the chance to belt out “Soft Kitty.”

She’s right. As much as I hate other people being right, that she is. This group is my safe place. They want to hear what I have to say, otherwise, they wouldn’t even be here. “I guess I can go.”

“Yippee!” Cheyenne claps as though she’s a child I told could stay up five minutes later.
 

I ignore Cheyenne’s reaction as I decide how to approach this. Keith isn’t dumb, but I still want to mask this if I can. “I went out with an old friend the other day.”

“From where? You don’t talk about many friends besides Shannon.” Noelle points this out and I feel trapped already.

“Someone I worked with years back. Like a decade ago.” Okay, I’ll go with a half truth. “We ran into each other at the store and chatted for a while and thought we’d get together to catch up.”

“So what happened?” Keith raises his voice in a curious tone.

What happened? I slept with my boss’ nephew. That’s what happened. I wish I could say that. If Keith weren’t here, I probably would. I could be completely honest and gather the opinions of everyone in the group. Keith has only been to a few meetings and while I enjoy him being here, I now see the negative side. I can’t allow my two worlds to collide. I must tread lightly. “We talked for hours, even played laser tag.”

“
You
played laser tag?” Cheyenne can’t believe it and either can I.

“I know, right? I felt so … so
young
. Like I could take on the world. I’m apprehensive about my fortieth birthday. My bones are cracking and my hair is graying. For the first time in a long time, I acted like I was in my twenties again. After the game, we went back to his place, and before I knew it, I was waking up in his bedroom.”

“Did you have a good time?” Luna asks.

“Yes, I did. It was amazing in so many ways, but I can’t see him again. It’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?” Keith leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, and his chin on his hands.

“It’s not. It never is. My relationships are barely relationships. They last no longer than a month if that. This guy seems really into me, and I want to spare his feelings.”

“That’s awfully nice of you. You know for sure he’s interested?” Keith acts as though someone being interested in me is out of the question.

“Well, I guess not for sure. He’s super nice, though, and I’ll admit, great in bed. He brought me coffee in the morning. We talked for a really long time.”

“And you can’t see this going anywhere?” Cheyenne gets up and grabs a bottled water. “He sounds pretty dreamy to me.”

He
is
dreamy, if I were twenty years younger. My adolescent self would have dated him for a few months, slept with him numerous times, and broke things off when the next guy came along. I don’t mind casual relationships. That’s all I do. A romantic relationship with someone so young and a coworker, though, are two touchy areas. Combining them is a recipe for disaster.

“I don’t want to start a relationship I know won’t go anywhere.”

“How do you know it won’t go anywhere unless you try?”

Keith makes an excellent point, but as attracted to Lucas as I am, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s Terrence’s nephew. And I don’t want a relationship. The closer you hold someone to you, the more it tears you up when they leave. Shannon is the only person in my life I really depend on and know isn’t going anywhere. She’s been there most of my life. Her, I trust with my life. Anyone else I wouldn’t trust holding my purse.