Dastardly Deeds (13 page)

‘Hurry up.’ I scrambled from the bed. The fly of my pants was open. I didn’t even remember that happening. ‘Quinn will be back soon.’

‘Raincheck?’

I looked at him in disbelief. His grin was nearly as wide as Petra’s had been. ‘Certainly not. Maybe. Ask me tomorrow.’

‘Well then—’ he rose, pulling the bedclothes from the floor and tossing them onto the bed ‘—I might hobble down to my room and have a cold shower.’

I smiled, trying to muster some sympathy, but it was submerged beneath concern that Quinn might return before he left.

‘Let’s think of it as entrée.’ He leant over to kiss me. ‘Main course to come.’

‘And what’s for dessert then?’

He laughed. ‘Seconds?’

‘Sounds good.’ As soon as he left, I tugged my bra back into alignment. My left breast felt like an indented pancake. I finished doing up my buttons and then straightened Petra’s bed roughly. She came back as I was smoothing the covers.

‘Don’t say anything,’ I said quickly and, I suspected, in vain. I was right.

Apparently Zeus didn’t have a problem with family members popping in unannounced. No, he flitted around the ancient world spreading his seed willy-nilly and rarely stuck around to face the consequences. One of the stories we were told, atop the rocky outcrop of the Acropolis, had him engaging in enthusiastic extramarital sex with his cousin Metis. This was despite having been previously warned that any child of theirs might grow more powerful than him. Once blood began to return to his brain, he recalled the prophecy and promptly decided that the best remedy was to turn Metis into a fly and then swallow her whole. Which no doubt came as quite a shock to her. Plus, having a swallowed a fly myself once, I can’t say I’d recommend it.

Unfortunately, Metis had already conceived. One could only imagine how uncomfortable it was for her, given she was still a fly, particularly during the third trimester. I rather hoped she gave Zeus gas. She must have been a little bored as she almost immediately began making a helmet for her daughter-to-come. Legend does not record what she used for materials but the subsequent hammering gave Zeus a killer headache. With Panadol being in short supply, he opted to have his forehead cleaved in twain by a double-headed axe. As you do. His daughter Athena leapt forth fully developed and fully armed. Legend does not record what happened to poor Metis.

Athena became the goddess of wisdom, courage, inspiration, civilisation, law, justice, mathematics, strength, war strategy, and the arts and crafts. She was named the patron goddess of heroic endeavour and, at some stage, found time to invent the chariot. This was probably a welcome innovation, since Greek sandals didn’t look terribly user-friendly. She was also a virgin, which may have explained why she had so much spare time.

Her temple was an elegant affair, tucked around the side of the more famous Parthenon. I was fascinated by her, and not just because she took multi-tasking to a whole new level. She was elegant and majestic, with a piercing gaze that was evident even in marble statues. I had already decided to buy a memento of her for my study at home. I was going to use it for inspiration. If she could juggle all those roles and still find time for casual invention, then surely I could manage my single task of churning out one column per week.
Athena declared goddess of multi-tasking. Women everywhere pay tribute by doing several things at once.

Our guide today was a woman named Angela. She had a flowing mane of yellow-blonde hair and a gorgeous medallion that she had apparently received simply for graduating from university. All I’d got was a certificate. She was brisker than either Ali had been, and a stickler for punctuality. Athens was shaping up as my favourite place thus far, crowned by the Acropolis and given flavour by the museums and the street markets and the sheer affability of the citizens. They might be in the middle of a financial crisis, but their spirit seemed undaunted.

Wandering around the Acropolis was a dangerous affair, not just because of the crowds but also the slabs of slippery stone. We had been given strict instructions to spend one hour, no more, and then make our way down the hillside to a meeting place by the road. Ruby, Quinn and I were early, mainly because all three of us were a little scared of Angela. I could see Lew over by the bus, chatting to the driver. The girls headed to a street stall selling souvenirs and costume jewellery as I collapsed tiredly onto a bench beside Enid. She had elected not to climb the rise to the Acropolis. Both her hands were planted on her cane and she was leaning forward with her head resting on them. She was also snoring damply.

‘Can I join you?’

I looked up at Tessa with surprise. ‘Ah, okay. It’s a free world.’

‘Thanks.’

An uncomfortable silence settled. I glanced over towards the stall.

‘Are you enjoying yourself?’

‘Yep.’

‘Me too. I’m feeling a bit better today.’

I glanced across. She didn’t look better. Her foundation shone patchily against her pale skin and her face looked puffy. I dropped my gaze for a moment. Her shirt puckered awkwardly, even for her, across her chest. ‘You’re pregnant.’

‘What?’ She stared at me, her eyes huge, and then suddenly covered her face with her hands. Her voice emerged moistly. ‘Yes. Oh, god.’

‘Interesting.’

‘No, it’s not! It’s
awful
!’

I tended to agree. My stomach felt like it had been hollowed out with a soup spoon. I glanced back towards the street stall. Ruby mouthed something at me that looked like ‘what the
fuck
?’. I frowned at the obscenity, and also because it was the only facial expression I was capable of.

‘What am I going to do?’ wailed Tessa, her head still in her hands. ‘How am I going to
tell
him? Oh, god.’

I busied myself smoothing my pants. I just wanted her to go away. Some tourists stopped nearby, talking loudly. We drew a few curious glances before they moved off.

Tess finally lowered her hands. Her face was even puffier, with damp rivulets tracking down her cheeks. ‘Darcy is going to kill me.’

‘Unlikely. He knows he wouldn’t do well in prison.’

‘No, I mean it.’ She turned to face me. She really wasn’t looking her best. ‘He didn’t even want Sophie, you know. Sure, he loves her to bits now, but when we found out I was pregnant, he was not happy. At all.’

‘Tough.’

Enid snorted softly. I glanced at her but she still appeared to be asleep.

‘Another baby would be
awful
,’ continued Tessa tearfully. ‘Sophie is more than I can handle! I’m forty-two years old!’

‘Which isn’t exactly decrepit.’ I frowned at her. ‘And besides, stop acting like this is something you’ve done
to
Darcy. I assume he played an active role. Let him help handle things.’

She grabbed at my arm. ‘But I’m not like you, Nell. Five babies! I don’t know how you did it!’

‘The same way you did.’ I looked down at her hand with distaste. ‘And, coincidentally, with the same person.’

‘What’s going on?’ asked Darcy tersely, looming over us. Tessa snatched her hand back but he wasn’t even looking at her. ‘What’ve you said to her?’

‘Dickhead,’ said Enid clearly.

I stood slowly, letting my gaze linger as I looked from Darcy to Tessa. The effect was somewhat spoilt by one of my knees creaking loudly. Then I walked away towards my daughters. Yen and Uncle Jim had joined them. Yen was glancing at her watch.

‘Heaps of time,’ said Uncle Jim soothingly. He was referring to the fact we were parting ways after we left the Acropolis. Their flight was leaving at six.

‘Thank you, I am well aware of that,’ replied Yen. She turned to me. ‘What was that about over there? What did you say to upset her?’

‘Why does everyone assume it was me?’

‘Logic. Mind you, I’m not complaining. If the girl is stupid enough to sit next to the ex-wife of the man she philandered with, then she deserves whatever she gets. And I don’t like your hat.’

‘I do,’ said Uncle Jim loyally. ‘Reminds me of my mother.’

‘Excellent.’ I made a mental note to throw the hat away.

Yen ignored the exchange. ‘Have you heard from Lucy? I emailed her last night about making arrangements to pick us up and she hasn’t replied.’

‘We’re eight hours behind,’ said Ruby. ‘She may not have had a chance.’

‘Pfft.’

I glanced towards the bench where Darcy was now sitting beside Tessa with his arm around her. Enid appeared to have gone back to sleep. I wondered if I should give my girls a heads-up. They were going to have a new sibling. For Scarlet and Lucy, this would mean a sibling younger than their own children. My throat felt coated with bile.

‘Hey there!’ Deb appeared by my elbow, beaming. Behind her stood Scott, Donald and Phoebe. The latter two did not look as pleased.

We greeted them, with subsequent queries ascertaining that they were about to head up to the Acropolis but were just waiting for their tour guide to finish arranging things with the driver. Deb waved at her husband.

‘So, what’s the verdict?’ asked Scott. His belly was straining against his T-shirt. The limitless food and drink were clearly having an effect.

‘Amazing,’ I replied. ‘Absolutely amazing.’

Ruby held up her camera. ‘I’ve taken about a thousand photos.’

‘How about you, Mrs Forrest?’ Scott turned to Yen politely.

‘I took two. But they were very good. We’re going to sit in the bus.’

‘Oh, I wanted to say goodbye,’ said Deb hurriedly. ‘Have a great flight!’

‘We will.’ Yen moved briskly away. Uncle Jim nodded to us and then followed her towards the car park.

‘Something I said?’ asked Scott.

I shook my head. ‘Not at all. That was her being friendly.’

Ruby snorted. She wandered away to take photos of the stream of tourists making their way up and down the hillside. I didn’t see the appeal of these for posterity, but then I didn’t tend to take photos at all. I preferred to let others do all the work and then just chose some to copy.

‘We’ve come from the museum over there.’ Deb pointed farther down the hill. ‘It puts Melbourne to shame, doesn’t it? The statues are older than our city!’

‘And such a spiritual experience.’ Phoebe brightened. ‘You could
sense
the history. When our guide was telling us about the Persian invasion, I could almost
hear
it.’ She closed her eyes, as if listening to faint screams over again.

‘All I could hear were the schoolkids,’ said Donald ruefully.

Phoebe opened her eyes to shoot him a glance. ‘But you did enjoy the Lego, didn’t you?’ She turned to me, flicking her plait over her shoulder. ‘They had the Parthenon there, made completely of Lego. Don likes Lego.’

‘So I’ve heard.’

‘Mum wrote a column about Lego once,’ offered Quinn. ‘Like, it was just because the girl Lego was
so
girly. We hated it. And all these nutters got offended. You should have seen the letters she got!’

Donald stared at her and then slowly rubbed the back of his neck.

‘Bizarre,’ said Scott, grinning at his friend.

‘Yeah.’ Donald shrugged, and then suddenly laughed. It sounded rusty. He cleared his throat before looking at me appraisingly. I got the sense I had just returned to his radar. ‘I like your hat.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Is this a secret meeting?’ asked Ashley, coming up behind Deb. He pinched her either side of the waist in the manner that men seemed to find vastly amusing and women hated. She yelped.

‘Women hate that,’ commented Nick, going up several points in my estimation.

‘Nah, they just say that,’ said Scott. ‘They really love it. Don’t you, girls?’

‘No.’ Deb was still rubbing her sides. ‘And we also don’t like being called girls.’

Scott lifted his sunglasses to give her the full weight of his disbelief. He followed this with a paternalistic chuckle. Even Quinn was now looking at him with distaste.

‘Hey, nice sunnies,’ said Ashley. He turned to give me a wink. I added him to the list of people I was annoyed with.

‘Thanks.’ Scott slipped them back into place. ‘Got them in Istanbul. A steal.’

‘Mine were crap,’ said Nick. ‘They broke the next day.’

Ashley lifted an eyebrow. ‘Only because you sat on them. With your big arse.’

‘Barely touched them. And my arse is nicely toned, thanks.’

‘Mine too,’ said Scott.

‘Gross,’ said Quinn shortly, moving away.

Nick flushed. ‘Sorry,’ he said to me. ‘Forgot she was there.’

‘That’s all right. Today’s been a day for large arses.’ I glanced over towards Darcy and Tessa. She now had her head on his shoulder. He was looking in my direction unsmilingly. I returned the favour.

‘Oh, here’s our guide,’ said Deb. ‘Come on team. We’re off.’

Donald lingered as the others said their farewells and moved away. He nodded towards me awkwardly. ‘Catch up for a drink later?’

‘Ah, um … maybe. We’ll see.’ I could feel Ashley’s gaze like a laser pointer somewhere around my left temple. This was all getting too difficult. My ex-husband was busily propagating the species, my ex-boyfriend was getting possessive, and now I had a new admirer with caterpillar eyebrows and a sociopathic penchant for Lego. Plus, there was a killer out there somewhere, who could even be one of the above, but probably wasn’t.

We bade farewell to Yen and Uncle Jim in Syntagma Square. Their transfer to the airport was already waiting when our bus arrived. Uncle Jim thanked me profusely for offering to keep an eye on Enid, even though I wasn’t aware I had done any such thing. Yen was still firing instructions over her shoulder as she left. Contact Lucy to let her know that her grandmother would be back in the shop in two days’ time; contact Scarlet and/or Red to arrange pick up from Tullamarine airport; contact Yen’s cleaner to ensure the house was spick and span. There was more, but it was lost in the rumble of traffic as they pulled away from the kerb. And then they were gone.