Darker Water (28 page)

Hayden was a few years older than me and had
already been out of the house for a while when our dad died, so
he’d missed all the fun years after that. The years when our mother
went from asshole to asshole, dragging her younger son along for
the ride, keeping him close instead of sending him to boarding
school like she had with Hayden. But it didn’t matter who’d gotten
more of it or from whom—damage is damage.

I could have run away or moved in with Hayden
when he turned eighteen, but back then I’d been stupid enough to
think that being with her was actually doing something to help her.
He didn’t know about any of the shit that was going on. Not until a
lot later. When we both got shit-faced and I got chatty.

For a reason I didn’t understand, Hayden had
always known it wasn’t normal. Maybe it was because I’d known so
many of them—every man Renee picked was just like our father. So
I’d grown up thinking that hurting the ones you claim to love is
what a man did. I spent a lot of nights with a lot of tears,
wishing I wouldn’t have to do it someday.

All the assholes who said they loved my
mother couldn’t keep their hands off her. Some of them couldn’t
keep their hands off me, either. Not in a touchy-feely way. No—when
I got touched, it was with a fist.

I remembered the night I found out that it
wasn’t normal. The look on my friend’s face when I asked him what
he usually got hit with. All men have their weapon of choice. But
this kid’s dad didn’t. This kid’s dad punished by grounding him or
taking away the keys to his car. At the time, Renee and I had been
living with Anna and her dad for about a year. His weapon of choice
was leather. That fucker sure liked leather.

The next day I’d talked to Anna about
something real for the first time. She didn’t talk back. She didn’t
say a word, even though I went after her, trying to make her
understand. From that point on, I wanted to take care of her—clean
her up and get her ice whenever she needed it.

“How many times have you tried to get Mom
out?” Hayden asked. “How many times has she wanted your help?” He
shrugged. “Unfortunately, we can’t decide for her. Someday maybe,
which is why I keep in touch with her, but it’s up to her. It’s not
your responsibility, little brother. Just like it’s not your
fault.”

People always say that. They also say, ‘if
you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem,’ and a
whole bunch of other contradictory shit.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Think hard,” Hayden said. “I hear you had to
write a big check to someone else recently, too.”

Did he mean—? “The guy from the bar fight?” I
shoved back from the table. “I need to fire all those assholes. Did
the whole client-confidentiality thing get thrown out while I
wasn’t looking?”

“They work for me too, and Scott is on the
board. What you do affects the foundation, Carson.”

“As if I don’t know that. Yes, I paid.” In
coin, at least. “But no, it wasn’t a big check—it was a
regular-sized one. I don’t think banks will cash the big cardboard
ones.”

He completely ignored my attempt at humor and
tossed his napkin on the table. “Nothing like that can ever happen
again, Carson. I don’t care how good your reasons were—it can’t
happen again.”

“It won’t.”

“Good. So tell me about this girl.”

I groaned. “She’s a friend.”

“Benefits or no?”

“What the hell?” We didn’t talk about this
stuff. Ever. But Hayden just sat there with an expectant look on
his face. “Yes. Okay, yes. There are benefits. Great benefits.
Don’t tell Renee, though. It will give her an excuse to call
me.”

“Do you treat her well?”

I leaned back in my chair, not even
pretending to eat anymore. “Yeah, I treat her well.”

“Do you think it’s going to turn into
something?”

I paused. “No. She’s great but…no. Neither of
us want that.”

Hayden laughed but it was a sad laugh,
something deeper. “Someday it won’t matter what you want. Hopefully
someday, with someone, you won’t have a choice. She’ll come into
your life and show you how wrong you’ve been about everything
you’ve ever known. And you won’t stand a chance against her, little
brother.”

For the first time, I saw life in my
brother’s eyes. And, as good as it was to see, it also scared the
shit out of me. Because Hayden never laughed and there was never a
spark in his eyes—that just wasn’t who he was. And if my older,
stable, logical brother was doing things he’d never done before,
anything was possible. Well,
almost
anything.

“Nah,” I said. “We both want to keep things
just like they are.”

For the next few days, I made excuses about
why I couldn’t see Carson. They were all true—I’d been completely
neglecting my business and everything else. But that had nothing to
do with the real reason I didn’t want to see him.

I needed time. A chance to think about what
he’d said. He was wrong—I didn’t want to be hurt. I wanted to be
loved
.

Idiot.

Since that was a no-win scenario, I tried
remembering what a basket case I’d been a few months ago and why
I’d decided love was bullshit. As each day went by, I got better
and better at convincing myself I’d been wrong. It was a momentary
delusion. What the hell did I know about love? I’d confused things
in the past, multiple times, so in six months from now, I’d
probably look back on what I was feeling and laugh at how stupid
I’d been.

Love is a two-way street, right? Doesn’t
everyone say that? So when I took my head out of my ass, I
understood that I was misinterpreting my emotions because I still
hadn’t completely shaken the old me. Realizing that made me glad to
have Carson in my life because he was the only person who wouldn’t
judge me for my fuck-up, even when it involved him.

It would be okay. Nothing had to change.

Oh my god, what complete bullshit. Everything
had changed, for me at least. Now it was just finding the balls to
face it. I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen for a long
time. Hopefully before it did, I’d remember love was a fairytale
and sex was only sex.

I was deep in the midst of my Saturday
morning ritual—pajamas, coffee, and couch—when I heard a knock on
the door. My mind instantly went to Carson, with something like
excitement. But I still needed time before I was ready for us to go
back to our old selves, to the pre-delusional-Laney times. So, I
slowed down.

“Oh.” I blew out a breath of disappointment.
Multiple counts of disappointment. Not only was he not the man I
wanted to see, he was Kevin, the last guy I’d turned into a frog.
The guy who, though perfect on paper, was anything
but
in
reality. I’d actually pictured myself having a future with this
asshole—kids, house, dog. Back then I hadn’t understood what
passion was and had confused it with contentment. I’d been content
with him—not happy or unhappy. Just…content.

His smile looked forced, and he was holding a
white bag and a coffee carrier with two cups.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I tried to call you but—”

“I changed my number.” Too bad I didn’t
change my address, too.

“Can I come in?”

“I’m not sure. How would Brittany feel about
that?”

“We’re not together anymore.” What a
shocker.

“That’s too bad, but I’m actually not
interested in being your backup plan.”

“That’s not why I’m here.” Right, of course,
he was only here to apologize for being such a douche. It had
nothing to do with him being dumped and feeling sad and horny. “Can
we talk for a few minutes? Please.”

I sighed, but stepped back and let him
inside. After excusing myself, I went to put on my robe. When I
came back into the living room, Kevin was sitting on the couch, and
I had a flashback. He was sitting in exactly the same place, but
only wearing his boxers because we’d just had sex. Okay sex. What I
used to think was good sex.

He smiled at me as he leaned back, making
himself at home. Even though the image was the same and
he
was the same, I wasn’t. I didn’t want anything from him—not even an
apology. But after everything that had happened lately, I wasn’t up
to another argument, so I’d hear him out, pretend to be sad he
screwed up his own life, and then ask him to leave.

When I heard another knock on the door, I
knew it was Carson. Had to be. I still wasn’t sure I was ready to
see him, but at least he’d be able to get Kevin to leave with just
one glare.

“Gotta get that.” I practically ran to the
door, opening it only to be pushed backwards by a very unhappy
Carson, coffees in hand and eyes on the floor.

“I know you probably have shit to do,” he
said, shoving one of the cups at me and heading into the living
room, “but you know how impatient I am. I wanted to—”

He got there only a half second before I did.
I saw his shoulders rise by at least an inch and his entire body
tense. This was something I hadn’t foreseen happening.

I stepped in between them. “This is Kevin.
Kevin, Carson. Carson, Kevin.”

Carson’s eyes went to me and then traveled
down my body, his expression turning into one of
understanding…something that wasn’t true. Wait a minute. How’d that
happen?

“Kevin was my last frog.” I didn’t look at
Kevin when he made a what-the-hell sound. My eyes were glued to
Carson’s because...well, because he mattered.

“Wow.” He laughed through tight lips and
looked away, shaking his head slightly. “Okay. I’ll go.” Then he
glared at Kevin. “You fuck her over again, and I’ll turn you into
road kill. Understand?” He handed me the other cup of coffee
without making eye contact and backed out of the room.

Kevin grumbled something or protested or did
some male posturing, but I didn’t pay attention. My focus stayed on
Carson. Did it matter if he thought something was going on? Yes, of
course it did. Especially because he’d been so clear about saying
he’d let me know before he slept with someone and I should do the
same. But I hadn’t slept with anyone, so whatever Carson thought
was an assumption
he’d
made.

That wasn’t fair. “Carson, listen—”

He held up his hand. “Don’t worry about
it.”

As if that was possible. But maybe whatever
he thought had happened would keep some much-needed space between
us until I was sure I was okay. No one would get their feelings
hurt and we could spend time together while the emotions that
shouldn’t be had a chance to cool down and be put to rest.

I followed him back to the door. “Want to
meet tomorrow?”

“Why?”

I grabbed his jacket so he wouldn’t walk
away. “Because I want to see you.”

He glanced back towards the living room. “He
cheated on you so you’ll pay him back, is that it?”

“What? No.” I scrambled for an answer, stuck
in a lie I hadn’t even verbalized. But I hadn’t corrected him,
either, told him whatever he was thinking was wrong. “Kevin just
wanted to talk.”

“I’m sure he did.” He looked down to what I
was wearing again. “I guess whatever he said worked.”

“That’s—”

“I know, not fair. You’re right. Apology
number four. You can do whatever you want. Just…” He wiped his hand
across his mouth. “Just be careful. Okay?” He leaned in and kissed
my forehead. “I can’t meet tomorrow. Maybe later in the week
sometime. I’ll call you.”

No, he wouldn’t. Because he knew I wouldn’t
sleep with two men at the same time. So whatever it was that we
were doing would stop because he thought Kevin and I were back
together. I watched him walk down the hall, wondering how something
so right could go so wrong so quickly. I’d wanted a little space,
not a continent.

Instead of saying anything, I was silent. My
mind was going in too many directions, and I hurt in a way I wasn’t
sure I had a right to hurt in. For all I knew, this was his way
out. Maybe while I’d been avoiding him, he’d been avoiding me. And
maybe he’d just come over here to say he was done with me.

Well, tough shit. Because I wasn’t done with
him.

I just needed a little time to figure out
what I wanted to do. I wouldn’t lie to him, but I had to understand
what I felt, thought, and wanted before I could be honest with
him.

“Carson,” I called. “I’m coming over
later.”

He turned around without stopping and
shrugged. “If you want to.”

“I do.” As soon as he was gone, I went back
inside to get rid of Kevin. My conversation with Carson couldn’t
wait until tomorrow.

I went into the living room. “I have a busy
day planned and—”

“Sure. I won’t take too much of your time.”
He didn’t get up or leave, though. If he wanted to talk, maybe I
could encourage him to talk quickly, so he would
leave
quickly.

“So… How’s...what was her name again?” I knew
the name of my replacement because I’d spent months reliving that
relationship and trying to figure out what I’d missed, what I’d
done wrong, and what I should have done differently. Even though
Kevin had broken my heart and I didn’t want anything to do with
him, I’d still obsessed about it for more time than I’d ever admit
to.

“Brittany,” he said. “She wants to have our
marriage annulled.”

“Wow.” My eyes flew to his hand, stopping on
the gold band he wore. “You really married her. I didn’t know.” It
didn’t mean anything was different. It just confirmed that all the
months I’d spent sobbing and googling wedding announcements had
been a complete waste of time.

“In August.” Meaning, a month after he’d
broken up with me. Tops. He looked at me expectantly, waiting for a
reaction, I guess. But honestly, I couldn’t think of a single
reason I would care.

“Congratulations on the wedding,” I said,
hoping we could wrap this up quickly and he’d go away. “And sorry
about the divorce. Did you try therapy?” For
any
of his
issues?