Darker Water (27 page)

My throat felt constricted, like my body knew
I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about this and was trying to stop
me. I had to finish it, though. “I never understood when or why. My
father always knew, though, and so did the men that followed after
he died.”

“And one day
I
would know. When I
became a man, I would understand the requirements, and I would have
to make sure the people I loved followed the rules and were good
people. Or I would have to punish them. I would have to hurt them
because I loved them.”

I glanced at her quickly and saw pity on her
face. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted her to understand why I
could never be with someone. Why I couldn’t trust myself to love
her.

“You’re not getting it,” I said, running a
hand through my hair and starting to move. “Shit, Lane, I want to
think that I wouldn’t. That I
couldn’t
, but who knows what
the fuck they’ll do in a situation they’ve never been in
before?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What if I hit you?” I knew what would happen
because I’d lived it so many times. “You’d forgive me and take me
back because I’d convince you it was your fault.” I slumped down on
the edge of the bed and let shit come out of my mouth that I’d
never told anyone. Because I’d never trusted anyone before. And all
of it was going to kill that trust, smash it into little pieces
like it should be. “You’d hide the bruises and try to do better,
but it wouldn’t work. Because it would have nothing to do with you
or what you did. It would have to do with me and how fucked up I
am. And no matter what you did or how hard you tried or who you
were, I would keep doing it. Because I hate myself. Because picking
on someone who loves me makes me feel better. Makes me feel like
I’m not weak or stupid or powerless.”

I took a breath, not knowing when I’d last
taken one. “I would fuck it up because I don’t know how
not
to.”

“That’s what your dad did?”

I nodded, not looking at her, not really
seeing anything. But I was feeling it—everything I’d felt back
then: angry, afraid, worthless. “Did you know I look just like him?
And people have told me I think like him.”

“You’re not him.”

“When someone tells you they love you so
much, they have to hurt you, everything gets mixed up in your head
and you don’t know what’s right and what’s not. And when the person
who’s supposed to protect you tells you it wasn’t that bad and
sends you back in for more… That shit doesn’t go away. It’s part of
you, changes the way you react, the way you are.”

“It doesn’t mean you’ll do what he did.”

“How do you know?
I
don’t even know.
But I know it’s not worth the risk.
I’m
not worth the risk.”
I’d gone through hours and hours of therapy, but nothing stuck.
Nothing could convince me it wouldn’t happen. I got angry at
people. I felt that pressure build up inside me. The bar fight was
the worst, but it wasn’t my first. I didn’t even care about those
people, and I couldn’t walk away. If I could hurt someone I didn’t
care about, what would I do to someone I loved?

“What if I told you I think you
are
worth it?” she asked.

“I’d tell you you’re wrong.” I felt her hands
slip under my arms and around my chest, the heat of her body on my
back.

“What if I told you I know you care about
me?”

I paused, not moving. Unable to move. “I’d
tell you that you’re right.” It wasn’t love, but it was so much
more than I should have ever let it be. “I don’t want to hurt you,
Lane. But, if we don’t stop now, I will. I know I will. And you’ve
already been hurt too much. I can’t do that to you.”

Fuck. I pulled out of her grasp, wiping my
hands over my face and through my hair. “You need to leave
now.”

“No.” There was no real expression on her
face—no anger, disappointment, or fear. All the things that I was
feeling.

“Go away, Lane,” I said tightly.

“No.”

I couldn’t touch her, couldn’t force her out
because touching her was the risk. “Please.”

She shook her head and scooted back to lean
against the headboard.

“Fuck, Lane. Go away. I’m trying to warn you
what might happen.”

“It’s not going to.”

“Do you actually think you know me better
than I know myself? Get out. Of my bed and my life.”

“No.” Her body seemed unaffected but a tear
gave her away. Then another that she wiped away roughly.

Proof positive. I’d hurt her. And that was
just the beginning. “What do you want? To fuck with me? To make
me—” Then I realized it. Recognized it. “It’s deliberate. You do it
on purpose.”

“Do what?”

“This.” I motioned back and forth from her to
myself. “You’re so self-destructive you put yourself into
situations where you know you’re gonna get hurt. Just like Renee
did. Even after my dad died, she couldn’t help herself. Guy after
guy, all of them beat the shit out of her. I used to think my
friends who didn’t get beaten were the weird ones because every man
I’d ever known hit my mom. And most of them hit me. But then I
realized that she went into the relationships knowing what was
going to happen. She chose to be with men who treated her like shit
because that’s all she thought she was.”

“That’s not why I’m here,” she said, shaking
her head, “and it’s not what’s going to happen.”

“Only because I won’t let it.” It all seemed
so obvious now. People don’t change. She was just like my mom and
Anna, and I almost fell for it. “If you had your way, I’d be just
like the rest of your frogs. Keep me close until you think you’re
in love, because you know that as soon as it happens, I’ll leave
you. Because that’s all you think you deserve.”

She was openly crying now, her knees tucked
up to her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

“I’m just another one, aren’t I? I almost
fell for it. I almost fell for you.” Fuck it. I
did
fall for
her. “I can’t wait to see you, I smile like a shithead every time I
see it’s you calling, I want you to stay over every single night
because I sleep better when you’re next to me and the next day
always seems brighter, better.”

I kept talking, not knowing which of us I was
hurting more. But better it happen now than when it was too late.
“Being with you makes me feel like I’m more of a man, because I
know without a doubt that I would do whatever it took to protect
you.” My voice caught. “So that’s what I’m finally doing. I’m
telling you to go away.”

She lifted her head to say one word:
“No.”

He moved so fast, he was on the bed before
I’d even registered his reaction. He yanked me down and spread my
legs open, setting his body between them.

“Do you want me to hurt you, Lane? Is that
what you need from me? What you
want
?”

I shivered. His weight seemed heavier than it
had ever been before, his voice lower and crueler and more
intimidating.

“No,” I said. But he’d been right about
everything else. The truth seemed so obvious when he said it, as if
the reasons only became real when they were spoken. “I don’t want
you to hurt me. I want you to love me.”

He let out a shuddered breath. “You know I
can’t.”

“All I know is you’ve never tried.”

His lips crushed mine, punishing and
desperate. His hand found my core, his touch commanding but not
hurtful. Controlling my pleasure. He knew my body, what it needed.
What it wanted. And even though I didn’t understand what was
happening between us, nothing could stop me from coming, crying his
name halfway in and halfway out of his mouth. He kept stroking me
gently, slowly letting me come down from the high. But he wasn’t
done. He was just giving me a chance to catch my breath before his
touch became firmer, more insistent.

“Be inside me, Carson. Please, I need you
inside me.”

Even as he shook his head, he slipped on a
condom and pushed into me, both of us moaning. Each stroke brought
us closer together, like we were supposed to be.

“This is what I can give you, Lane.” His
thrusts got stronger. “We can do this. And it’s good, right?”

“So good.” Every word took air neither of us
could get.

He was so deep, slamming into me so hard, it
would’ve felt like a punishment if it didn’t feel so fucking
amazing. “I can give you this, but you can’t ask me for more. Tell
me this is enough.”

Was it? I couldn’t answer. Not now. Not when
he was making me feel like this. Being with him was more than I’d
ever wanted physically. But what about everything else? I couldn’t
choose until I could think.

“Yes or no, Lane. Is this enough?” As if his
cock didn’t feel incredible enough, he slipped his hand between us
and used his thumb to stroke me with exactly the pressure I
needed.

“I can’t...oh...I can’t think.” I put my
hands above my head, tensing my arms every time he pushed into me
so I wouldn’t be shoved into the headboard. “Don’t make me
choose.”

For a moment a shadow passed over his face,
disappointment that I didn’t answer maybe. What did he want? Which
answer did he really want? To let him keep me from getting too
close or to force him to take me all the way in.

“I can’t.” I didn’t know how I felt, what I
wanted, or what I could handle. “This isn’t fair.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Carson,” I moaned as everything
collided—physical and emotional, pleasure and hurt. He followed me
over, pressing deeper and clutching me to him, groaning against my
neck. A tremor went through his body as we both tried to catch our
breaths.

He didn’t pull out, keeping us connected. Our
bodies, at least. “I can’t love you, Lane. Ever.” Even though the
words were whispered, a tiny vibration against my skin, they
thundered in my ears. “Tell me this is enough. That you don’t want
something I can’t give you. Tell me we can have this and you won’t
need more. Say it.”

“Okay,” I lied, knowing it was already too
late. Knowing that even though he would never feel the same way I
did, I couldn’t let him go. “It’s enough.”

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice so eager and
hopeful.

“Yeah. Everything’s gonna be fine… Like
before. Nothing has to change.”

I made it all the way home before I started
crying.

I saw my brother as soon as I walked through
the door—same table in the same restaurant we always met at. Not
that we met very often. I was the only guy whose sleeves were
tattooed on, but the servers didn’t hassle me because they knew I
tipped well.

“I have to get back soon, so I ordered for
both of us.” Sure. Hayden’s office hours were from nine am to five
am the next day, even on weekends.

“Very romantic, bro, but you’re not getting
any.”

Hayden didn’t smile because Hayden never
smiled because Hayden was never happy. He wore his melancholy well,
though, and the only reason it was so glaringly obvious to me was
because over the years we’d had a couple conversations. Not many,
because our family saw emotions as something
other
people
had, at least while we were sober. Even though Hayden is about the
same size as I am, he’s always been a lightweight.

But to someone who didn’t know what a train
wreck he’d lived with until Renee shipped him off to boarding
school, he looked pretty damn perfect. Professional, way more
socially acceptable and better behaved than I was, hardworking, and
with no idea how to have a good time.

My theory was that he worked so much so he
didn’t have to be at home with his wife. Clare was great and
really
nice to look at, but it didn’t take more than two
minutes to figure out there was absolutely no connection between
them. That was probably why Hayden managed to look lonely in a
crowd of people.

“Why have I been summoned today, big
brother?” I asked.

Hayden put his napkin on his lap. “I heard
you’ve been giving Mom money.”

“So?”

“Why?” He held up his hand. “Don’t answer
that. I know why and I think it’s a terrible idea, not to mention
incredibly unhealthy. If you don’t want to have a relationship with
her, fine, but don’t pay her off and think that’s enough.”

“Why not? It seems to work pretty damn well
most of the time.” I rolled my eyes at his glare. “She blew all of
it. Did you know that? Everything Dad left her, and everything she
could get out of her other husbands. She generously donated it all
to Saks and Gucci. They thanked her by giving her shit she doesn’t
need and only uses once or twice.” Our mother was a piece. Thank
goodness there was always another guy to treat her like a queen in
public and a pauper at home.

“I also heard what happened after the
Walk—her side at least. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, by the way.”
Since Hayden was one of the few board members I actually liked, I
knew he wanted to be there. “Clare and I donated a little extra
online.”

“To pay me off?” I sighed and waited until
the server left before speaking again. “She’s going right back in
for another round, Hayden. Doesn’t that bother you? Even if there
weren’t a whole bunch of other tragic reasons, she wants to live a
certain lifestyle, and she doesn’t have the funds to do it. I
wanted to give her a chance.” Again and again and again. “If that
means sending her a check every month, then I’ll send her a check
every month. Although, she’s doing it anyway so it didn’t work
after all, did it? Unfortunately, she’s not
only
the
gold-digger I always thought she was. I guess she needs something
other than money.”

Without saying it outright—because we never
did—Hayden knew exactly what I was talking about. We had the same
father and had seen and felt a lot of the same things. Including,
but not limited to, belts, hardcover books, and fists.